Swear Jokes
123 swear jokes and hilarious swear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about swear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ready for a laugh? This article is packed with an array of hilariously rude swear jokes to delight in. From references to pinky swear and an oath to God, to the classic swear jar, these jokes will have you rolling with laughter.
Quick Jump To
- Short Swear Jokes
- Swear One Liners
- Swear Jar Jokes
- Rude Swear Jokes
- Pinky Swear Jokes
- More Swear Jokes
Funniest Swear Short Jokes
Short swear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The swear humour may include short swore jokes also.
- When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
- I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied. What, no nickname for me? She asked.
Sometimes I swear she's going deaf. - When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"
- 10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"
- I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time... I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch
- My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
- "Did you just say something?" "Uhhh nope?"
"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."
"No I didn't."
"Good, because I'm vegan." - So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain" I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain
- I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time... She's never getting her nose back.
- It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again... I'll be ill
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Swear One Liners
Which swear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with swear? I can suggest the ones about vows and pledge.
- What start with a W and ends with a T It really does, I swear!
- I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid... I can stop whenever I want
- A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan... I swear I've met herbivore
- What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor
- What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot? A cursor!
- So you know how things hurt less when you swear? I call it Ibuprofanity
- Why is Oedipus against swearing? He kisses his mother with that mouth!
- What do you call a mouse who swears? A curser
- I don't swear because I'm religious. I swear because I'm angry.
- How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month? He started a swear jar.
- How do you get nine grandmas to swear? Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"
- I swear... Everybody's birthday is this year
- A policeman stopped me for driving over 30. But I swear I got at least 40 people.
- What did the gay guy say while parking? Wow, I'm not straight at all...
- Why do Yakuza swear a loyalty oath? Because they can't do pinky promises.
Swear Jar Jokes
Here is a list of funny swear jar jokes and even better swear jar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend has Tourettes. He doesn't have a bank account.
He has a swear jar. - Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in. It's half empty.
- Dropped my swear jar on my foot. Just to see if I'd learnt anything.
- My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.
Then I saw the swear jar. - How does Gordan Ramsey save money? Swear Jar
- I got a rude awakening this morning. My swear jar fell on my head.
- How do you rob a sailor? A swear jar.
- Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... It's currently half empty...
- If LeafyIsHere had a swear jar... He would be bankrupt.
- How do you bankrupt someone with Tourettes? Follow them around with a swear jar
Rude Swear Jokes
Here is a list of funny rude swear jokes and even better rude swear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.
- For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
- For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
- For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing. She's in for a rude awakening.
- What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego.
- My brother dropped my swear jaw on my head this morning. That was a rude awakening.
Pinky Swear Jokes
Here is a list of funny pinky swear jokes and even better pinky swear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mom thought she heard me drop the F-Bomb I had to pinkie swear I didn't.
Happy Swear Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about swear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean confess jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make swear pranks.
"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat c**...'s going deaf.
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?
How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*c**..."?
You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"
Irish guy in a parking lo
theres an Irish guy driving through a packed parking lot. Upset, he shouts "dear lord, if ya help me find a parkin spot I swear on me moothers grave that I will give up mah whiskey." Just then a car backed out of a spot in front of him. Suprised, he then shouts "Nevermind lord, I found one!"
Swearing
If you hear your parents swear, be afraid.
If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid.
If you hear your priest swear...
stop squeezing so tight.
What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys?
Niggaless Cage
(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)
A preacher is buying a parrot
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you s**... fool!" screeched the parrot.
I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.
I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.
I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...
"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder Destruction.
I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
p**... dropper for sure.
What is it with people who text and drive?
I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.
What do you call a society governed by men with no t**...?
An anorchy...
...I swear, that one KILLED at the urology convention
What do you call a m**... who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have s**... with strangers?
An oxymormon.
A penguin's car broke down in the middle of the city.
So he got his car towed to a mechanic's shop and walked to an ice-cream shop to grab a large cone.
After about 20 minutes, he walked back to the mechanic's shop and asked if he knew what the problem was.
"It looks like you blew a seal," said the mechanic.
"No, no, I swear to god it's just ice-cream."
A guy arrives home late from the pub....
His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.
'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.
I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant
There was a woman there who claimed that she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
It is known that m**... eases congestion
"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"
Wife comes home in the morning
The husband asks her where did she spend her night so she says she slept at one of her best friends. The husband calls 10 of her best friends but none of them confirms
Next day, the husband comes home in the morning.Wife asks him where have you been and he says he spend the night at one of his best friends. The wife calls 10 of his best friends, 8 confirm her husband spend the night over and 2 of them swear he is still there sleeping
If one more person asks me to do a summersault....
.......I swear I'm going to flip!!!
A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...
That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...
At a bathroom line.
''Can I go before you? I really need to number two''
''No, I was here before you and I need to go as well''.
''I swear I need to go more than you''.
''You're so full of s**...''.
Mother has four sons joke
The older three sons are blonde with light skin. The youngest is a brunette with darker skin.
The husband is laying on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and asks "honey, I need to know... is our youngest really my son?"
The wife responds: "yes dear, of course, I swear to god with all my heart!"
Reassured, the husband then passes away peacefully. The wife huffed a breath of relief and then muttered "thank god he didn't ask about the other three"
A bank robber just finished his heist
Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.
"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.
"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.
"And you? Did you see my face"
"No, sir. But my wife did"
Why do chickens swear so much?
They only know foul language
A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.
She says "No!"
He doesn't believe her and asks her again.
"Dad, I swear I'm not!"
He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"
Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."
People assume I'm vegetarian
Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegans Club
But I'd swear I've never met herbivore.....
So the world's oldest woman died today....
I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???
What kind of boat doesn't let you be n**... or swear?
A censorship
I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a mexican girl!
As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...
What swear words cause the most suffering?
"I do."
I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....
...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?
The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.
The girlfriend announced...
"I love you lots, snuggles."
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.
I'm done stealing. I took an oath today.
But I swear I will give it back.
A alien walks into a bar
He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your b**... off!" Alien responds "I don't have any b**...". The waiter says "Then how do you have s**...?". The alien responds by tapping the waiter and saying "beep"
Why does Oedipus never swear?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!
When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...
My son came out of the closet today
I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock
I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.
I swear I'm working with a bunch of stiffs.
A couple has 4 sons
The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is yours."
The husband died a few moments later. She said to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
God In The Parking Lot
A man is struggling to find a parking space. Lord, he prays. I can't stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I'll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says Never mind, I found one!
I swear Grandma didn't send this to me on Facebook...
Doctor - so, what did you have for dinner last night?
Patient - I had a fruit salad.
D - only fruit salad? Well, that should help with your cholesterol. And strawberries are very high in...
P - well, it was mostly grapes.
D - mostly?
P - well, all grapes.
D - still, fresh grapes are...
P - they weren't overly fresh. Well, a little older, maybe. Fermented?
D - ...
P - Okay, wine. I had wine for dinner.
My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.
I almost had to call the popcoroner.
(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)
Man I swear to god, Flat Earthers are just so annoying.
Like sometimes their theories are so wild they just push me off the edge.
If you carve a swear word into a weapon
Does that make it do curse damage?
Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?
s**... went down
Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor
Because, I swear, that guy annoys the s**... out of me.
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.
Two drunks are in a bar
First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?
Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.
Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.
Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.
Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.
Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair; the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine? The wife said, I swear to all that is holy, he is your son.
Then the husband died, and his wife muttered, thank god he didn't ask about the other three.
Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!
Elf: You have my bow.
Dwarf: And my axe.
Necromancer: And your brother.
A man is struggling to find a parking space. Lord, he prays. I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!
Christian's these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible
I swear most are Eighth-iest
I swear, nothing is made in America anymore.
My new TV says "Built In Antenna," and I don't even know where the h**... that is!!!
Why is it acceptable for the leader of a Firing Squad to swear?
Because saying oh shoot can cause problems.
Struggles of passwords
Struggles of passwords
"Set password:"
carrot
"Password must be at least 8 characters."
boiled carrot
"Password must contain at least 1 number."
1 boiled carrot
"Password cannot contain spaces."
50boiledcarrots
"Password must contain at least 1 capital."
50FUCKINGBoiledcarrots
"Password cannot contain multiple consecutive capitals."
50FuckingBoiledCarrots
"Password cannot contain swear words"
IfYouDoNotAcceptThisPasswordThenYouCanStickThose50BoiledCarrotsUpYourButt
"This password is already in use."
A man's been driving around a crowded parking lot trying to find a place to park.
"Lord," he prayed, "I can't take this any longer. If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking and go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, "Never mind, I found one."
