Swear Jokes

What are some Swear jokes?

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...

10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

"Did you just say something?"

"Uhhh nope?"

"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."

"No I didn't."

"Good, because I'm vegan."

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time...

She's never getting her nose back.

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...

"Dad, what's a preposition?"

"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

I don't swear because I'm religious.

I swear because I'm angry.

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A priest and a nun are golfing...

The priest misses a putt and yells " dammit I missed!" The nun tells him not to swear because God won't approve of it. On the next hole the priest hits a bad shot and yells once again " dammit I missed" and the nun tells him," don't swear anymore or the sky will open up and God will strike you down" . On the next hole the priest once again messes up and once again yells "dammit I missed!" At that point the sky opened up and the nun gets struck by lighting. The priest looks up with astonishment and from the sky he hears " dammit I missed!"

I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.

I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.

An dying man's last wish...

An elderly man on his death bed tells his wife "Honey, I want you to promise me that when I go you will put all my money in the casket with me." Reluctantly, his wife agrees and assures him she will uphold her promise.

After the funeral, the women tells her friend about her husband's odd request - "You know, he made me swear to bury all our money with him". The friend replies, "That's crazy! I can't believe you would actually do that". And the elderly woman says "Don't worry...I wrote him a check".

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'
'Correct again Claire'
And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question
'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?'
Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out
'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'

I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant

There was a woman there who claimed that she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.

What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys?

Niggaless Cage


(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)

Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?

The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"

Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.

I swear...

Everybody's birthday is this year

I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

A policeman stopped me for driving over 30.

But I swear I got at least 40 people.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."ο»Ώ

A preacher is buying a parrot


"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

The Priest who couldn't swear!

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, Hoover! under his breath.

On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard. Hoover! again, a little louder this time.

On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! Praise be to God!

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. Hoover!
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, Hoover.

It's the biggest dam I know.

A priest was driving in a bus.

A priest is riding in the bus when it hits a bump in the road.

"For f*ck sake!" Exclaims the driver.

The bus hits a second bump.

"Motherf*cker !!!" The driver gets furious.

"You shouldn't swear." Says the priest. "Try and say "Lord help us" instead."

The bus drives in a yet another bump, the tire goes flat.

Exhausted, the driver decides to listen to the priest's advice.

"Lord help us" - Says the driver, and to his amazement, the tire inflates.

"No f*cking way!" Exclaims the priest.

What did the gay guy say while parking?

Wow, I'm not straight at all...

Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never have sex with another man but you"

Some time later the man dies and after a month the wife dies too. She finds herself in front of the gates of heaven. Approaches to Saint Peter.

"I'm sorry your holiness, I'm looking for a man who died one month ago..."

"Kind lady, every day thousands of men arrive here. Could you be more specific?"

"His name is Jason. He... used to say he would turn in his grave if I cheated on him."

Saint Peter's eyes lights up and bursts laughing. Calls a nearby angel.

"Gabriel, go tell "The Windmill" that his wife arrived."

I found these drugs in your pocket, what do you have to say for yourself?

Officer: I found these pills in your pocket.

Suspect: Officer I swear, I don't know how they got there. Every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket.

Officer: Yeah right.

Suspect: Officer, I swear, every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket. Let me show you.

Officer: Okay, fine, show me.

The suspect throws the pills into the toilet and flushes them down. The officer waits.

Officer: Okay, now what?

Suspect: What?

Officer: Where are the pills?

Suspect: What pills?

An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot.

Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably. F this, F that, F you and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.

The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman's outstretched hand. He looks into the lady's eyes and says "Ma'am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?"

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.

"And you? Did you see my face"

"No, sir. But my wife did"

A duck walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." The duck turns and leaves.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and again asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, slightly flustered at this point, says, "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes, we have never had grapes, and we will almost definitely never have grapes. The duck turns and leaves.

The following day, the duck once again returns to the bar and once more asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shouts, "No! We do not have any grapes! And the next time you ask I swear I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck quickly waddles away in fright.

A day later, the duck cautiously approaches the bar. As the bartender glares, the duck asks, "Got any nails?" With a surprised and confused expression, the bartender replies, "No..." With a pleased expression, the duck responds, "Good. Got any grapes?"

Irish guy in a parking lo

theres an Irish guy driving through a packed parking lot. Upset, he shouts "dear lord, if ya help me find a parkin spot I swear on me moothers grave that I will give up mah whiskey." Just then a car backed out of a spot in front of him. Suprised, he then shouts "Nevermind lord, I found one!"

3 Construction Workers

Alanzo, Carlos and John are three construction workers are sitting on a high up beam of their nearly finished skyscrapers. Opening his lunchbox and seeing pasta, Alanzo curses, "I swear if my wife makes me pasta again, I will throw myself off this building." Carlos opens his lunchbox to see burritos, "I'm with you, I'm tired cold burritos everyday. If I see burritos again, I will jump." John opens his lunchbox, "I got bologna and cheese sandwich again. I will jump if I get this again.

The next day, Alanzo, Carlos and John are sitting together, ready to open their lunches. Taking a deep breath, Alanzo opens his lunchbox and sees pasta.With a sigh, he stands up and throws himself off the skyscraper to his death. Carlos opens his lunch box to see a burrito. Wiping away a tear, he stands and throws himself to his death. John opens his lunchbox and finds bologna and cheese sandwich. He stands and throws himself off the beam.

At the funeral, Alanzo's wife cries, "If I knew he was tired of my pasta, I would have never made it for him and he would never had jumped." Next to her, Carlos's wife is crying, "If I knew my Carlos didn't like my burritos, I would never had made them and he would never had jumped." Both women look at John's wife, "Well, don't look at me. He made his own lunch."

The Three Construction Workers

Three construction workers were at lunch one day, a Mexican, an Italian, and a Blonde man. While eating, the Mexican says "I love my wife, but if she makes me one more burrito for lunch, I swear I will jump off this building!" The Italian man joins in as well "I agree, my friend, I have been eating her pizza every day for 10 years! I will join you if my wife makes me this for lunch again!" Then the Blonde man pipes in, saying "Me too! I don't want another bologna sandwich, so count me in!"

The next day, sure enough the Mexican man gets his burrito, the Italian his pizza and the Blonde a bologna sandwich. So they wrote a note, and in unison, keeping with their oath they hurl themselves off the top of the skyscraper!

At the funeral, the wives of the Mexican man and the Italian man were both very sad, wishing they had known they could have prevented their deaths. But the blonde mans wife was upset like the others, so they asked her why she wasn't sad. She responded "Hey, don't look at me. He made his own lunch."

There's a blonde man, a Mexican man, and an Italian man sitting on a construction site eating lunch and...

The Mexican man opens his lunch and exclaims, "Bean burritos again?! I swear if I get bean burritos one more time I am going to jump and kill myself!" Then the Italian man opens his lunch and says, "Seriously?! Spaghetti and meatballs again?! If I get this one more time in my lunch I am going to jump and kill myself as well!" then the blonde man opened his lunch and gets a ham and cheese sammich and pretty much says the same thing as the other guys.

Then next day at lunch time the three guys go to the the top of the site and open there lunches, all of them got exactly what they had yesterday and jumped to their deaths.

At the funeral the Mexican's wife goes up to the front and says, "If only I'd known he didn't want burritos for lunch I would have made him something else!" Next the Italian's wife walks up and says, "He should have told me he didn't want spaghetti and meatballs! I just would have made him something else!" After this everyone at the funeral looks at the blonde man's wife waiting for her to say something and she just says, "Don't look at me he makes his own lunch."

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegans Club

But I'd swear I've never met herbivore.....

Why is it so hard to have a guys night out

Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home.
just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!!

Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn't seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)….

then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it's throat and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and farted

Mother has four sons joke

The older three sons are blonde with light skin. The youngest is a brunette with darker skin.
The husband is laying on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and asks "honey, I need to know... is our youngest really my son?"
The wife responds: "yes dear, of course, I swear to god with all my heart!"
Reassured, the husband then passes away peacefully. The wife huffed a breath of relief and then muttered "thank god he didn't ask about the other three"

I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a Mexican girl!

As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction.

I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
Panty dropper for sure.

It is known that masturbation eases congestion

"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"

A penguin's car broke down in the middle of the city.

So he got his car towed to a mechanic's shop and walked to an ice-cream shop to grab a large cone.

After about 20 minutes, he walked back to the mechanic's shop and asked if he knew what the problem was.

"It looks like you blew a seal," said the mechanic.

"No, no, I swear to god it's just ice-cream."

My friend has Tourettes.

He doesn't have a bank account.
He has a swear jar.

A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...

That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"?

You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes
"Now thats what I call.....elbow grease"

Whole kitchen stops dead in their tracks, including the guy who got hurt, and bursts out laughing. He's now our favourite.

A woman brings her duck to the vet...

The vet lays it on the table and says, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your duck is dead."

"No it's not! He was fine in the car, I swear! I want proof!" So the vet leaves, and then walks back in with a black lab. The dog walks up to the duck, sniffs it and turns his head. Then the vet brings in a kitten, and it runs up to the duck, pawing at its wings.

"Hmm.." the vet says, "Looks like it really is dead. That'll be $550."

"What?! You're going to make me pay $550 just to tell me my duck is dead??" The woman screams.

"Well, ma'am, it was $5 for the check up and $545 for the lab results and the cat scan."

People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.

'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

Wife comes home in the morning

The husband asks her where did she spend her night so she says she slept at one of her best friends. The husband calls 10 of her best friends but none of them confirms
Next day, the husband comes home in the morning.Wife asks him where have you been and he says he spend the night at one of his best friends. The wife calls 10 of his best friends, 8 confirm her husband spend the night over and 2 of them swear he is still there sleeping

If one more person asks me to do a summersault....

.......I swear I'm going to flip!!!

A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.

She says "No!"

He doesn't believe her and asks her again.

"Dad, I swear I'm not!"

He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"

Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."

Twins

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

What swear words cause the most suffering?

"I do."

What kind of boat doesn't let you be nude or swear?

A censorship

At a bathroom line.

''Can I go before you? I really need to number two''

''No, I was here before you and I need to go as well''.

''I swear I need to go more than you''.

''You're so full of shit''.

Why do chickens swear so much?

They only know foul language

Swearing

If you hear your parents swear, be afraid.

If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid.

If you hear your priest swear...

stop squeezing so tight.

I ran into a vegan girl who said she knew me..

.. But I swear I hadn't seen herbivore.

What do you call a society governed by men with no testicles?

An anorchy...

...I swear, that one KILLED at the urology convention

A priest, a biologist, and a mathematician sit down in a cafe.

As they chat, they see two men go into the bathroom. After a few minutes the bathroom door opens and three men walk out.

The priest says excitedly: I swear that bathroom was empty. We have just witnessed a miracle!

The biologist answers: There must be a natural explanation. They have probably reproduced.

The mathematician moves around uncomfortably in his chair and says: Look, guys, I don't care. I really, really need to go the bathroom. I'm just waiting for a third person to go in there so that it will be empty again.

Dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

A guy meets an old friend in the street

**Guy:** Hi ! It's been what... 30 years ?? How are you ? What happened in your life during all this time ?

**Old friend:** Well, I've been married four times, but all my wives died...

**Guy:** Oh my god, that's terrible ! Sorry to hear that. What happened to the first one ?

**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...

**Guy:** Aww that's so sad. What happened to the second ?

**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...

**Guy:** Again ! What happened to the third ?

**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...

**Guy:** Are you kidding me ?

**Old friend:** I swear I'm not.

**Guy:** Ok, what happened to the fourth ?

**Old friend:** She got punched in the head, with a baseball bat.

**Guy:** Whaaaat ? Why ?

**Old friend:** She didn't want to eat her poisonous mushrooms...

How to make Swear jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Swear to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Swear? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Swear pick up lines to share with friends.

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