Swear Jokes
114 swear jokes and hilarious swear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about swear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ready for a laugh? This article is packed with an array of hilariously rude swear jokes to delight in. From references to pinky swear and an oath to God, to the classic swear jar, these jokes will have you rolling with laughter.
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Funniest Swear Short Jokes
Short swear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The swear humour may include short vows jokes also.
- When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
- I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied. What, no nickname for me? She asked.
Sometimes I swear she's going deaf. - 10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"
- My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
- "Did you just say something?" "Uhhh nope?"
"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."
"No I didn't."
"Good, because I'm vegan." - So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain" I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain
- I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time... She's never getting her nose back.
- It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again... I'll be ill
- I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot But then I discovered oven mitts
- So the world's oldest woman died today.... I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???
Share These Swear Jokes With Friends
Swear One Liners
Which swear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with swear? I can suggest the ones about pledge and confess.
- I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid... I can stop whenever I want
- A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan... I swear I've met herbivore
- What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor
- So you know how things hurt less when you swear? I call it Ibuprofanity
- Why is Oedipus against swearing? He kisses his mother with that mouth!
- I don't swear because I'm religious. I swear because I'm angry.
- How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month? He started a swear jar.
- How do you get nine grandmas to swear? Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"
- I swear... Everybody's birthday is this year
- A policeman stopped me for driving over 30. But I swear I got at least 40 people.
- What did the gay guy say while parking? Wow, I'm not straight at all...
- Why do Yakuza swear a loyalty oath? Because they can't do pinky promises.
- I met an alien who couldn't stop swearing... He was an Extra Tourettes-trial.
- My friend has Tourettes. He doesn't have a bank account.
He has a swear jar. - I'm done stealing. I took an oath today. But I swear I will give it back.
Swear Jar Jokes
Here is a list of funny swear jar jokes and even better swear jar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in. It's half empty.
- Dropped my swear jar on my foot. Just to see if I'd learnt anything.
- How does Gordan Ramsey save money? Swear Jar
- I got a rude awakening this morning. My swear jar fell on my head.
- How do you rob a sailor? A swear jar.
- If LeafyIsHere had a swear jar... He would be bankrupt.
- How do you bankrupt someone with Tourettes? Follow them around with a swear jar
Rude Swear Jokes
Here is a list of funny rude swear jokes and even better rude swear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.
- My brother dropped my swear jaw on my head this morning. That was a rude awakening.
Pinky Swear Jokes
Here is a list of funny pinky swear jokes and even better pinky swear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mom thought she heard me drop the F-Bomb I had to pinkie swear I didn't.
Happy Swear Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about swear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cursing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make swear pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Swearing
If you hear your parents swear, be afraid.
If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid.
If you hear your priest swear...
stop squeezing so tight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A preacher is buying a parrot
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you s**... fool!" screeched the parrot.
I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.
I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.
I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...
"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."
On the green of the 18th hole after a horrible day of golf...
The golfer says to his caddy: "I swear, if I don't make this putt I'm going to drown myself in the water hazard". To which his caddy replied: "You think you can keep your head down that long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder Destruction.
I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
p**... dropper for sure.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a society governed by men with no t**...?
An anorchy...
...I swear, that one KILLED at the urology convention
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a m**... who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have s**... with strangers?
An oxymormon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why were all the r**... sitting around an ordinary potato waiting for it to talk?
It was a CommonTater
I just made this up I swear
Why did the nun swear when she got her new outfit?
It was a bad habit.
My girlfriend was so intent on going shopping for a dress that she wouldn't even think about seeing a movie.
I swear, she's such a clothes-minded person sometimes.
I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant
There was a woman there who claimed that she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A kid asked his mom : how did you make me ?
His mom said : one night i put little sugar under my pillow and in the morning you were by my side; The kid grabbed some sugar and put it under his pillow, he woke up in the morning and found an ant in his bed, "If you weren't my son, I swear i would've squashed you!"
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It is known that m**... eases congestion
"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"
If one more person asks me to do a summersault....
.......I swear I'm going to flip!!!
A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...
That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...
I phoned my boss.
I said, "I'm calling in sick tomorrow."
"But, how do you know you're going to be ill?" he asked.
I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Honey, am I fat?"
"No, not at all"
"You're lying"
"I swear. By the way, you got something on your chin... no, the other one"
A man was asking a woman's father for her hand in marriage
The woman's father agreed but only on the condition that the man had never laid with another woman before.
"I have never sir." Responded that man
"Do you swear it?" Asked the father
The man responded "Yes sir, I swear it on both my children!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever
I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a bathroom line.
''Can I go before you? I really need to number two''
''No, I was here before you and I need to go as well''.
''I swear I need to go more than you''.
''You're so full of s**...''.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.
I always wondered what kept them together.
Then I saw the swear jar.
A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"
The man said, "What little girl?!"
The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"
The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"
The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."
Why do chickens swear so much?
They only know foul language
A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.
She says "No!"
He doesn't believe her and asks her again.
"Dad, I swear I'm not!"
He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"
Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."
People assume I'm vegetarian
Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kind of boat doesn't let you be n**... or swear?
A censorship
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a mexican girl!
As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...
What swear words cause the most suffering?
"I do."
Why do deaf people never swear?
Because they always watch their language.
"I swear to god, if you get any closer I'm going to jump!"
Said the man to the jump rope.
I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....
...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why doesn't Sigmund Freud swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger.
I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.
Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?
The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.
The girlfriend announced...
"I love you lots, snuggles."
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A alien walks into a bar
He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your b**... off!" Alien responds "I don't have any b**...". The waiter says "Then how do you have s**...?". The alien responds by tapping the waiter and saying "beep"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!
When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...
My son came out of the closet today
I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock
Swearing parrot
So this woman has a parrot that is always swearing and she doesn't know how to make him stop. So she decides to take him to her vet for some advice on it. He tells her to put him in the freezer for 10 seconds next time he swears. So later that day the parrot starts swearing and she decides to try it. After 10 seconds she takes him out and he says to her, "I'm so sorry about all the swearing, it'll never happen again. & btw, can you tell me what the chicken did"?
I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.
I swear I'm working with a bunch of stiffs.
A couple has 4 sons
The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is yours."
The husband died a few moments later. She said to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
I swear Grandma didn't send this to me on Facebook...
Doctor - so, what did you have for dinner last night?
Patient - I had a fruit salad.
D - only fruit salad? Well, that should help with your cholesterol. And strawberries are very high in...
P - well, it was mostly grapes.
D - mostly?
P - well, all grapes.
D - still, fresh grapes are...
P - they weren't overly fresh. Well, a little older, maybe. Fermented?
D - ...
P - Okay, wine. I had wine for dinner.
My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.
I almost had to call the popcoroner.
(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man I swear to god, Flat Earthers are just so annoying.
Like sometimes their theories are so wild they just push me off the edge.
If you carve a swear word into a weapon
Does that make it do curse damage?
Reposters are the opposite of liars
Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I picked up some Chinese from a local place...
I picked up some Chinese from a local place (won't name them), and as I was driving home, I heard a weird rustling in the bag! I was like, "w**... is in the bag?" I swear I saw something peering at me out of the corner of my eye.
I pulled over hard, slammed the car in park, and gingerly picked up the bag. Again, more rustling, and the moo-shu moved!
I thought, "Please don't tell me there's a rodent in the bag." So I carefully opened the bag, and there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?
s**... went down
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor
Because, I swear, that guy annoys the s**... out of me.
Two drunks are in a bar
First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?
Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.
Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.
Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.
Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.
Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.
I told my son it's ok to swear at the gun range
Because yelling "SHOOT" is just to dangerous
Why is it acceptable for the leader of a Firing Squad to swear?
Because saying oh shoot can cause problems.
The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America
He replied 'It wasn't me'.
The teacher asked him again. 'Who discovered America?'
He, once again replied 'It wasn't me'
One last time the teacher asked him.
And again he replied, now a little louder 'I swear to god, it wasn't me!'
The teacher had enough and called little Jimmys father.
'I asked him who discovered America' the teacher said, 'and his response was It wasn't me'
'Well...' his father said, 'maybe it really wasn't him'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two little kids.....
aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, Okay, you say a**...' and I'll say h**....'
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. Aw, h**..., says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios. His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. What'll you have?
I dunno, quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your a**... it ain't gonna be Cheerios.
There's so much controversy surrounding school zones
I swear, I see a sign saying "end school zone" in every single one.
