The Best 74 Swear Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Swear jokes. There are some swear sworn jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these swear faithfulness puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Swear Jokes and Puns

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Swear joke, So there's this man with a parrot.

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"?

You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

Irish guy in a parking lo

theres an Irish guy driving through a packed parking lot. Upset, he shouts "dear lord, if ya help me find a parkin spot I swear on me moothers grave that I will give up mah whiskey." Just then a car backed out of a spot in front of him. Suprised, he then shouts "Nevermind lord, I found one!"


Swearing

If you hear your parents swear, be afraid.

If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid.

If you hear your priest swear...

stop squeezing so tight.

What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys?

Niggaless Cage

(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)

Swear joke, What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys?

What did the gay guy say while parking?

Wow, I'm not straight at all...

A preacher is buying a parrot


"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.

I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.

I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...

"Dad, what's a preposition?"

"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

You can explore swear oath reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean swear vowed dad jokes. There are also swear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My friend has Tourettes.

He doesn't have a bank account.
He has a swear jar.

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction.

I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
Panty dropper for sure.

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

I don't swear because I'm religious.

I swear because I'm angry.

Swear joke, I don't swear because I'm religious.

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

A penguin's car broke down in the middle of the city.

So he got his car towed to a mechanic's shop and walked to an ice-cream shop to grab a large cone.

After about 20 minutes, he walked back to the mechanic's shop and asked if he knew what the problem was.

"It looks like you blew a seal," said the mechanic.

"No, no, I swear to god it's just ice-cream."

I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time...

She's never getting her nose back.


A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.

'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant

There was a woman there who claimed that she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

"Did you just say something?"

"Uhhh nope?"

"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."

"No I didn't."

"Good, because I'm vegan."

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...

10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

It is known that masturbation eases congestion

"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"

Wife comes home in the morning

The husband asks her where did she spend her night so she says she slept at one of her best friends. The husband calls 10 of her best friends but none of them confirms
Next day, the husband comes home in the morning.Wife asks him where have you been and he says he spend the night at one of his best friends. The wife calls 10 of his best friends, 8 confirm her husband spend the night over and 2 of them swear he is still there sleeping

If one more person asks me to do a summersault....

.......I swear I'm going to flip!!!

A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...

That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

At a bathroom line.

''Can I go before you? I really need to number two''

''No, I was here before you and I need to go as well''.

''I swear I need to go more than you''.

''You're so full of shit''.

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

Mother has four sons joke

The older three sons are blonde with light skin. The youngest is a brunette with darker skin.
The husband is laying on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and asks "honey, I need to know... is our youngest really my son?"
The wife responds: "yes dear, of course, I swear to god with all my heart!"
Reassured, the husband then passes away peacefully. The wife huffed a breath of relief and then muttered "thank god he didn't ask about the other three"

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.

"And you? Did you see my face"

"No, sir. But my wife did"

Why do chickens swear so much?

They only know foul language

A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.

She says "No!"

He doesn't believe her and asks her again.

"Dad, I swear I'm not!"

He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"

Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."

A policeman stopped me for driving over 30.

But I swear I got at least 40 people.

People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

I swear...

Everybody's birthday is this year

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegans Club

But I'd swear I've never met herbivore.....

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

I ran into a vegan girl who said she knew me..

.. But I swear I hadn't seen herbivore.

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

What kind of boat doesn't let you be nude or swear?

A censorship

I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a Mexican girl!

As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...

What swear words cause the most suffering?

"I do."

I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?

The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"

Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.

I'm done stealing. I took an oath today.

But I swear I will give it back.

A alien walks into a bar

He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your balls off!" Alien responds "I don't have any balls". The waiter says "Then how do you have sex?". The alien responds by tapping the waiter and saying "beep"

Why does Oedipus never swear?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!

When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...

My son came out of the closet today

I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I'm working with a bunch of stiffs.

A couple has 4 sons

The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is yours."
The husband died a few moments later. She said to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

God In The Parking Lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. Lord, he prays. I can't stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I'll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says Never mind, I found one!

How do you get nine grandmas to swear?

Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"

I swear Grandma didn't send this to me on Facebook...

Doctor - so, what did you have for dinner last night?

Patient - I had a fruit salad.

D - only fruit salad? Well, that should help with your cholesterol. And strawberries are very high in...

P - well, it was mostly grapes.

D - mostly?

P - well, all grapes.

D - still, fresh grapes are...

P - they weren't overly fresh. Well, a little older, maybe. Fermented?

D - ...

P - Okay, wine. I had wine for dinner.

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

Man I swear to god, Flat Earthers are just so annoying.

Like sometimes their theories are so wild they just push me off the edge.

Why do Yakuza swear a loyalty oath?

Because they can't do pinky promises.

If you carve a swear word into a weapon

Does that make it do curse damage?

Reposters are the opposite of liars

Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.

I picked up some Chinese from a local place...

I picked up some Chinese from a local place (won't name them), and as I was driving home, I heard a weird rustling in the bag! I was like, "WTF is in the bag?" I swear I saw something peering at me out of the corner of my eye.

I pulled over hard, slammed the car in park, and gingerly picked up the bag. Again, more rustling, and the moo-shu moved!

I thought, "Please don't tell me there's a rodent in the bag." So I carefully opened the bag, and there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?

Shit went down

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.

Two drunks are in a bar

First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?

Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.

Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.

Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.

Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.

Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.

I told my son it's ok to swear at the gun range

Because yelling "SHOOT" is just to dangerous

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the swear perjury jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working swear pledge piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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