swear Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious swear puns

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.


"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.


A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"


Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.


I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want


When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"


What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.


A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore


A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"


2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!


10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...

10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"


I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch


My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.


"Did you just say something?"

"Uhhh nope?"

"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."

"No I didn't."

"Good, because I'm vegan."


So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain


I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time...

She's never getting her nose back.


So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???


I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...

"Dad, what's a preposition?"

"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."


What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.


I don't swear because I'm religious.

I swear because I'm angry.


I was telling my friend a joke. "There was this gorilla...


"I fucking swear, if this is another Harambe joke, I..."

"Well, thanks for killing it."


A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom....

"You know what" says the 7 year old. "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go down for breakfast I'll swear first, then you."

"OK" says the 4 year old.

They go downstairs and the mom asks what they'd like for breakfast.

"I'll have Coco pops bitch!"

WHACK! He flew out of his chair bawling his eyes out.

The mom looked at the 4 year old and sternly said "And what do you want?"

"Don't know, but it won't be fucking Coco pops"


Swearing Little Johnny

During class little Johnny kept swearing, everything was fuck this and fuck that.

Teacher, "Johnny, that is not a word a ten year old should be using."

Little Johnny, "There are worse words than that miss, like murder and death."

Teacher, "No Johnny, the word you keep saying is much, much worse than murder and death."

Little Johnny, "I disagree miss, I bet you would rather be fucked than killed."


How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.


A man and a priest are playing golf.

The man hits the ball but it goes wide, landing far away from the hole. "Damnit, missed!" he shouts angrily. The priest turns to him and says, "if you swear like that, one day god will strike you down"!

The mab ignores him and tries for another shot. Once again he misses and once again he shouts "DAMN, MISSED"! At this point the priest is getting pretty annoyed himself. He reminds the man; "seriously, if you keep swearing like that, God will strike you down".

For the third time the man lines up a shot, swings, and misses completely. "DAMN MI....!" he begins before a bolt of lightning flashes down from the sky and hits the priest, killing him instantly! As the man looks around in shock a voice booms from the heavens; "DAMN, MISSED!"


So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old priest. The young priest turns to him, horrified.

"Sir, you shouldn't swear like this... Remember, God said unto Moses *Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy God in vain.*"

The old priest mumbles a half-hearted excuse and shuffles off to find his ball. He positions himself, checks his grip on the club, and strikes. The ball heads straight toward the hole... then gets blown off course again.

"That GODDAMN wind!" yells the old priest.

The young priest grows pale. "Sir," he pleads, "you really shouldn't swear like this." But the old priest is already walking toward the brush where his ball landed.

He reaches it, and strikes it a third time. The ball gets blown off course yet again and lands right in the middle of a pond.

"THAT GODDAMN WIND!!" screams the priest, throwing his club away in a fit.

"Sir," the young priest begins, but then there is a mighty flash in the heavens, and the young priest is struck dead by lightning.

The old priest falls to his knees. "God," he asks, "why did you smite this poor young man instead of me?"

A booming voice echoes through the sky : "That goddamn wind..."


I promise just one beer

After a long day at work, a man goes home to his family to tell them he is going out for just one beer.
Wife: Honey, that's fine. But I swear if you come home shitfaced after midnight again its over!
Husband: I promise just one beer.
And out the door he went to his local watering hole. One turned into two, and two into four, until it was last call and the man stumbled out the door and made his way home. The next morning, expecting the worst, he woke up to a note left on the bed beside him that read: Good morning honey, I hope you a feeling okay, I have made pancakes and eggs for you downstairs, and after work I will cook your favorite supper.
Dumbfounded, the man goes downstairs and asks his son "What the hell happened here last night?"
Son: Dad you were straight shitfaced last night! Mom and I had to carry you into the house and upstairs to bed. You just passed out. Mom took your shoes and socks of and was starting to undo your shirt and tie when you shot up, threw mom across the room, and said 'get off me bitch, I'm married."


A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom...

'I think it's about time we started swearing', says the 7 year old. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast - 'Oh, shit Mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops bitch'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know, but it sure as shit won't be fucking Coco Pops'.

Kinda old but i only just heard this one, gold.


when the boys started to swear...

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'HELL' and you say 'ASS.'

"The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says
"What would you boys like for breakfast?
"The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."


The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

The four year old says

"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."


A priest and a nun are golfing...

The priest misses a putt and yells " dammit I missed!" The nun tells him not to swear because God won't approve of it. On the next hole the priest hits a bad shot and yells once again " dammit I missed" and the nun tells him," don't swear anymore or the sky will open up and God will strike you down" . On the next hole the priest once again messes up and once again yells "dammit I missed!" At that point the sky opened up and the nun gets struck by lighting. The priest looks up with astonishment and from the sky he hears " dammit I missed!"


An dying man's last wish...

An elderly man on his death bed tells his wife "Honey, I want you to promise me that when I go you will put all my money in the casket with me." Reluctantly, his wife agrees and assures him she will uphold her promise.

After the funeral, the women tells her friend about her husband's odd request - "You know, he made me swear to bury all our money with him". The friend replies, "That's crazy! I can't believe you would actually do that". And the elderly woman says "Don't worry...I wrote him a check".


I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.

I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.


Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'
'Correct again Claire'
And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question
'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?'
Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out


I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant

There was a woman there who claimed that she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.


What are the most funny Swear jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Swear? Well, here are the best Swear dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Swear pick up lines to share with friends.

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