Swallow Jokes

What are some Swallow jokes?

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies?

The Swallow.

What did the cannibalistic lion do?

Swallow his pride.

I swallowed two cans of helium today

HeHe

A stork brings a baby to a couple...

...but a Swallow takes one away.

Your momma so slutty...

...her spirit animal is the swallow.

I just swallowed a dictionary...

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had,

I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside.

What is the hardest part about admitting you are a gay lion?

Having to swallow your pride.

What is a huge benefit of dating an Ethiopian girl?

You know they'll swallow

They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.

They just have to swallow their pride.

What kind of bird does not make babies?

A swallow

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

If a stork makes white babies, and a crow makes black babies, what makes no babies?

A Swallow

I swallowed some food coloring once

I went to the doctor and he said I was fine, but I felt like I had dyed a little inside.

A man sees his dog chew up and swallow a pencil

Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.

"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"

"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."

"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"

"Use a pen."

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?

Reality.

What's the hardest tea to swallow

Reality

Why aren't lions cannibals?

They can't swallow their pride.

The bird of Love is the dove, but what's the bird of true love?

A swallow

I have a friend who everyone knows is gay but he won't admit it.

He'll swallow everything but his pride.

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

I swallowed a watch..

And now I'm just looking for a way to pass the time

BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.

I swallowed some food coloring earlier.

I think I dyed a little inside.

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...

(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then takes off his mask. It is her husband. She screams at him: I can't believe it. It's you. Why are you doing this? He gets close to her and says: you see??? It didn't kill you to swallow it. Did it?

Woman beater

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

What is the official bird of love?

The Swallow.

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

**

A frog and his froggy son go to a restaurant...

The young frog has been having trouble eating food, and not much seemed to help. The two are eating, and the little frog manages to swallow something without any issues! The father frog notices that the son didn't upchuck. Beaming with pride, the father frog grins over at his son.

"Ah, son! Your fly is down!"

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

The thing about bird jokes are...

sometimes they're hard to swallow.

Owl let myself out.

I swallowed some Scrabble tiles earlier.

I am not looking forward to my next vowel movement.

NSFW: Do you spit or swallow?

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, Do you spit or swallow?
She slapped my face and stormed offโ€ฆ I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook

If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything.

Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"


The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

A little girl asked her dad where babies come from.

Dad: "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy."

Little girl: "Does she swallow the seed?"

Dad: "Only if she wants a new dress."

Why does Batman call his teenage, tights wearing sidekick Robin?

cause Swallow was too obvious.

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.

The doctor asks, What's the problem?

The man says, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.

The doctor says, I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?

The doctor says, The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

If you ever see a woman drinking a Corona...

...you should ask her out immediately, because you know she'll swallow anything.

It takes a long time for a giraffe...

...to swallow its pride.

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

Latvian joke.

I tell Latvian joke:

Latvian man very hungry.

He go in minefield, look for potato feed family.

Many hours, he suddenly find big potato, size of fist!

He quickly pull out pin, put in mouth, swallow whole thing.

Then he say "But why was there pin in potat "

End from joke.

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places the noose around his neck, puts the gun to his temple and takes a mouthful of poison and jumps. The gun goes off and he misses his head and the bullet cuts the rope in half. He screams as he falls into the water below. The water rushes into his mouth and washes the poison away. He swims to shore and says " Thank God, if I hadn't been able to swim I might have drowned."

She asked me for breakfast in bed...

I said "maybe you should swallow next time."

What is President Clinton's favourite game?

Swallow the leader.

Urologist told me a joke during my vasectomy...

So during my vasectomy it was just me and the younger female doctor in the room. She was talking with me to distract me and said you want to hear a good vasectomy joke? Of course I said yes, not knowing it was going to go this way.

If a Bluebird has blue babies, a blackbird has black babies, a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow!

My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making oral sex jokes.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while.
Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''


The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.

Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

What kind of mint is the hardest to swallow?

Abandonment.

A woman asks her husband what type of bird makes for the sexiest Halloween costume

"Should I be a spotted boobie?", asks the woman.
"Or what about a spread pink Flamingo?" "...Neither" replies the man. "If you really want men to like you, you need to be some sort of swallow."

Why do blondes prefer the pill instead the condom?

Because it's waaay easier to swallow

Mr. and Mrs. Blip-Blop

Mr. and Mrs. Blip-Blop were lying in bed one night. Mrs. Blip-Blop turns to Mr. Blip-Blop and says,
"Blip-Blop, blippity bloppity blop. Blip blippity blop bloppy blop." Mr. Blip-Blop replies,
"Geez, hon; just swallow it."

A man rushes into a bar...

... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.

"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.

"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the bartender.

"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"

"What do you have?" the bartender asked.

The man drank down his last swallow and said, "No money."

What do you call a stork that doesn't bring babies?

A swallow

A stork will always bring a baby.....

But a swallow never will

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards,

Because change should come from within.

If the bird of peace if the dove, what's the bird of love?

The swallow.

I swallowed my money.

Just to be safe.

Little girl logic

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

20 reasons why chocolate is better than sex

1. you can *get* chocolate.

2. 'if you love me you'll swallow it' has real meaning with chocolate.

3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.

5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.

8. two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.

16. good chocolate is easy to find.

17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.

How to make Swallow jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Swallow to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Swallow? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Swallow pick up lines to share with friends.

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