swallow Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious swallow stories

What are the best Swallow puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Swallow? Well here is a complete list of Swallow to have fun with:

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.


I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.

She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes."

"Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat."

"How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow."

My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these -

"Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."


If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.


A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"



Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."


I swallowed two cans of helium today



They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.

They just have to swallow their pride.


I swallowed two bits of string yesterday.

When they came out the other end they were tied together. I shit you knot!


Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to swallow the evidence. He is now facing 20 years of hard time.



So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."


Why aren't lions cannibals?

They can't swallow their pride.


I have a friend who everyone knows is gay but he won't admit it.

He'll swallow everything but his pride.


If a stork symbolizes birth what type of bird symbolizes birth control?

A swallow


I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.


I swallowed a watch..

And now I'm just looking for a way to pass the time


What's the difference between spit and swallow?

A firm grip on the back of her head.


I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.


I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together...

I shit you knot!


What is the official bird of love?

The Swallow.


Swallowed two pieces of string

Swallowed two pieces of string this morning.

A little while ago they came out tied together...

I shit you knot!


Party Trick

I've come up with a new party trick. Basically I swallow two pieces of string and a few hours later they come out of my ass in one piece. I shit you knot!


The thing about bird jokes are...

sometimes they're hard to swallow.

Owl let myself out.


Why does Batman call his teenage, tights wearing sidekick Robin?

cause Swallow was too obvious.


It takes a long time for a giraffe...

...to swallow its pride.


Latvian joke.

I tell Latvian joke:

Latvian man very hungry.

He go in minefield, look for potato feed family.

Many hours, he suddenly find big potato, size of fist!

He quickly pull out pin, put in mouth, swallow whole thing.

Then he say "But why was there pin in potat "

End from joke.


How can you tell if you have a high sperm count ?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow,


A girl goes to the doctor and asks...

A girl goes to the doctor and asks, "Doc, how many calories are in semen?"

He replies, "Girl, if you swallow enough to actually be worried about that, I don't think he'll care how fat you are!"


What kind of mint is the hardest to swallow?



I can swallow two bits of string...

And they will come out tied together.

I shit you knot!


If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies, what brings no babies?

A little Swallow.


A woman asks her husband what type of bird makes for the sexiest Halloween costume

"Should I be a spotted boobie?", asks the woman.
"Or what about a spread pink Flamingo?" "...Neither" replies the man. "If you really want men to like you, you need to be some sort of swallow."


If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The Swallow


Why do blondes prefer the pill instead the condom?

Because it's waaay easier to swallow


Mr. and Mrs. Blip-Blop

Mr. and Mrs. Blip-Blop were lying in bed one night. Mrs. Blip-Blop turns to Mr. Blip-Blop and says,
"Blip-Blop, blippity bloppity blop. Blip blippity blop bloppy blop." Mr. Blip-Blop replies,
"Geez, hon; just swallow it."


What do you call a stork that doesn't bring babies?

A swallow


What's the Difference between like, love and showing off??

Spit, Swallow and Gargle


What's the difference between a tease, a love, and a lust?

Spit, swallow, gargle.


Who was the best prostitute in history?

Ms.Packman, for 25 cents she'd swallow balls til she died.


In a family of 3...

Jim was eating breakfast one morning when his wife burst into the room and screamed "Jim! Our son just called me a bitch!"
Jim took a moment to swallow his egg. Then, he got up and angrily replied "I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!"


Friend at work hit me with this. (Sorry if repost.)

If a Stork brings white babies, and a Crow brings black babies. What brings no babies?

The Swallow.


They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow...

But it's just practice for the 60 pain killers later.


What kind of tea is hard to swallow?



What's the difference between "like", "love" and "showing off"?

Spit, Swallow and Gargle.


At least she didn't say swallow.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
One says: "Spit your gum out." the other says:
"Chew Chew."

/Badum cshhhh


What kind of bird is the best pornstar?

A swallow.


What Bird?

Which bird symbolizes love? Swallow.


Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:

Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men?

One day, Bill says to Ben, "Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!"

And Ben say, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that....."


I swallowed my keys

It's a pain in the ass getting in and out of the doors.


Never Argue With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


If the bird of peace is a dove...

...is the bird of love a swallow?



You've read some of the best swallow jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty swallow gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these swallow jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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