Suspicious Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Suspicious puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Suspicious

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."

The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...

I'd wonder why.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

A guy is driving happily along in his car with

his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

You're running around with other women, she charged.

You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs!

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

Two terrorists in a bar

Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"

Terrorist: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."

Waiter: "Why a goat?"

The first terrorist says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."

Friendship: Men vs. Women

Friendship Between Women:


A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."

So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.

So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.

"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

:)

The Bro Code

A woman tells her husband that she is going to the bar with her friends. That night, she does not come home. When she finally comes home the next morning, she tells her husband that she spent the night at a friend's house. The husband, suspicious of his wife, calls her 10 closest friends.. None of them know what he is talking about.

The next night, the husband tells his wife that he is going to the bar with his friends. That night, he does not come home. When he comes home, he tells his wife that he spent the night at his friend's house. The wife, suspicious of her husband, calls his 10 closest friends. Eight of them confirmed his story and two claimed that he was still there.

Gone fishing

The husband came home from work Friday afternoon and told his wife he'll be going fishing for the weekend with his friends from work. The suspicious wife ever so kindly offered to pack for him. She went unto their closet and threw a duffle bag full of clothes and toiletries together. Having loaded up his truck, the husband kissed his lovely wife goodbye and took off for the weekend.

On Sunday evening, the husband returned home. The wife cheerfully asked her husband how his weekend was. The husband exclaimed it was great and he had a great time with his friends. However, he told his wife, that he couldn't find his PJs so he was forced to sleep in his jeans the whole weekend. The wife got up from her seat and slapped her husband, and yelled "THEY WERE IN YOUR TACKLE BOX!"

The talking dog....

A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."

The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"

"Ruff" says the dog.

"What is on top of a house?"

"Roof" says the dog.

The bartender is getting annoyed, so the man begs to let him ask one more question.

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Roof" says the dog.

With that, the bartender halls the man and his dog out onto the street. The man is dejected. The dog sees this, looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio?"

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'

'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Jesus

One day, a cop was driving along when a car just whizzed past him. He turns on his siren and chases him down. Once the cop finally pulls over the car, he walks up and sees Pastor Brown, the pastor at his town's church. Upon peering into Pastor Brown's car he notices a suspicious bottle. The cop says "Pastor, what's in that bottle?"
To which the Pastor replies "Just water, officer."
So the cop, being a cop, takes a sip of the liquid to see if he's lying or not. But it's not water...it's wine!
So the cop says "Hey this is wine!"
And the pastor replies "Oh Jesus must be at it again!"

An American decides to get rich quick...

By suing bus companies. So, he goes to a bus station, and when the bus arrives he sticks his leg out so it gets runs over. He spends 6 weeks in hospital and is given $10,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he goes to a different state and does the same thing, but this time with the other leg. This time he spends 8 weeks in hospital and gets $20,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he decides that people in the US will get suspicious if he keeps getting run over, so he travels to England. There he goes to the first bus stop he can find, sticks his leg out, and dies of pneumonia.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an exterminator...

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are traveling in a car.

They get puled over by a cop. The cop asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am." The officer becomes suspicious, so he asks to check the trunk. He looks inside and asks, "Did you know that there is a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger replies, "I do now."

Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.

What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper?

I dot my i's on you!

-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny!

Wife: Where are you?........

Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixer.
Husband : (turns mixer on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: (turns mixer on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him, "Son, where is your father?"
Son: "I don't know, he went out with the mixer...

I hate spending time with my girlfriends family . . .

Her husband's getting suspicious.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.....


During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?

Don't know they're just a bit shady.

A security guard starts working at the docks...

...and at the end of the day he sees a worker leaving, pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw.

The security guard is suspicious that the man is stealing from the ships, but after searching through the straw, he can't find anything more than old straw for the man's garden. The next day the same thing happens and again he can't find any stolen goods in the wheelbarrow, just straw.

Over the next 4 years this happens every single day, and the security guard never stops suspecting the man of stealing, until one day the man leaves with no wheelbarrow.

The security guard asks him why he has no wheelbarrow today and the man says it's because this is his last day, he's retiring. The security guard can't contain his curiosity and begs the man to tell him what he's been stealing all these years.

The man replies: Wheelbarrows.

My grandfather's new 21 year old wife denies she's a gold digger

but I think it's a little suspicious she married him less than a week after his death.

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.

By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"

"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

I should have been more suspicious

when the Chinese guy offered to wok my dog for me …

50th Anniversary Gift

At their 50th anniversary, the wife decides to give the husband a very special gift. She said, as a gift, I'll give you a chance to ask me anything and I'll tell you the truth.

Husband see's a chance. He said, you know, it's about Adam. I have always wondered about him. He doesn't look anything like our other 6 children. I was always suspicious about him. I think I may not have been fair to him as well because of this. I have to ask you, does he have a different father?

Wife pause for a second. then says: yes.

The husband feels sad, but still asks, who?

The wife replies: you.

Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.

Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".

A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.

The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.

Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was startled, I meant to say Donald Duck!"

The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

Blonde, brunette, and a red head

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were running from the police. The three women ducked into an old barn on the side of the road. Inside the barn were three empty sacks and they decided to hide in them. In walk the police. They see the three sacks and are immediately suspicious. An officer kicks the sack the brunette is in so she says "Meow!"
"Oh it's just a cat." He says. The cop goes to the red head and kicks the sack shes in. She says "Woof!"
"Oh it's just a dog." So he moves onto the last sack where the blonde is hiding. He walks up and gives it one good kick.
"Potatoes!"

A communist revolution seems a bit suspicious

I mean, they always raise a few red flags.

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers.

Then it becomes suspicious.

Brits

They drive a German Car
They go to Irish Pubz
To drink Belgium beer
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back
They sit on Swedish furniture
They watch American films
On a Japanese TV


Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign



Courtesy of Rick Wakemam who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw)

Ice cream van man found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce

Police are not treating the death as suspicious.

They believe he topped himself.

A man becomes suspicious that his wife is cheating on him

So he confronts her and she admits that there have been three points of time that she has been unfaithful.

He asks her what the first time was, and she says, "remember when you had your heart attack but couldn't figure out how we paid the doctor?"

He says, "I guess you saved my life, I have to forgive you for that. What was the second time?"

"Well, do you remember when you lost your job, and couldn't figure out how we made house payments?"

"I guess I can't fault you for that time. You saved our house. But what was the third time?"

"Well, do you remember when you were running for president of your golf league and needed 79 more votes?"

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:

'Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jacob'

Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:

'Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama'

After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.

Eve became suspicious.
Are you running around with another woman? Eve fired off.
What other woman? Adam exclaimed You're it!
That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
What are you doing?
Counting your ribs.

I'm suspicious that my dictaphone is suddenly full

although I may be reading too much into it

I think my wife might be secretly dealing drugs.

There was a suspicious phone call this morning which I answered. A male voice asked "Has that dope gone yet?"

Dead husband

A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?"

Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct."

The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"

"The old fool used an elastic rope!"

The Police and the Penguins

A State Police officer is driving on the highway, doing his usual route, when he spots a suspicious van up ahead. When he approaches it, he notices that the driver has twenty penguins in his van!

The officer pulls over the man, and asks, "where are you coming from with all those penguins?!"

The man responds, "from the zoo."

The officer says, "alright, take them back to the zoo right now!" The man, puzzled, drives the penguins back to the zoo, and the officer follows to make sure he brought them back.

The next day, the officer is doing his usual routine when he sees the same van again... full of penguins, and they're all wearing sunglasses!

He pulls over the man again, and asks, "okay, what's the big idea? I told you to take them back to the zoo yesterday!"

The man responds, "well, yeah. We went to the zoo yesterday, and today we're going to the beach."

repost (pretty sure) suspiciously knowledgable wife

wife calls the husband at work. "can you send a mechanic to our house, the carburettor is flooded."

husband is taken aback and becomes suspicious. "how do you know that?" he asks.

"because the car is at the bottom of the pool".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes