suspicious Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious suspicious puns

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

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Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

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Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

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A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

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I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

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If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...

I'd wonder why.

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Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

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A guy is driving happily along in his car with

his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

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My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

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Human Trafficking

A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!

There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

You're running around with other women, she charged.

You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs!

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A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

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Human trafficking

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!
The captain responds, Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One...

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The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

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Why was Han solo so suspicious after sticking his dick in Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

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Two terrorists in a bar

Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"

Terrorist: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."

Waiter: "Why a goat?"

The first terrorist says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."

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Friendship: Men vs. Women

Friendship Between Women:


A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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The Princess and the Knights

In a kingdom long ago, there lived a beautiful princess. Many suspected that she was involved sexually with the knights of the castle. The king dismissed these rumors but as time wore on, they seemed more and more frequent. One day, the king grew suspicious enough of his knights and so he devised a plan. He placed a knife inside the princess' vagina and waited until the next morning. At dawn, the king called in his three most loyal knights- Lancelot, Gawain, and Percivale- and commanded them to drop their pants one by one. Sir Percivale did so, and revealed his sliced member. He was executed on the spot. Sir Gawain did the same, and revealed his cuts and was executed as well. However, when Lancelot dropped his pants, his member was completely intact with no marks at all. "Incredible", said the King. "You truly are the most loyal of all my knights. Whatever you desire will be yours". Alas, Sir Lancelot was speechless.Β 

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All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

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"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

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A couple Mr and Mrs Wong are trying for a baby,

Mrs Wong eventually gets a positive pregnancy test, but Mr wong is suspicious as he did the maths and the dates didnt quite add up.

He doesnt question anything and has faith in his wife, Later as she gives birth they are both overcome with joy.

Until Mr wong looks at the baby and calls his wife a whore saying he knew she had slept around,
She questions 'What's the matter of course he is yours!'
He replied 'oh come on two Wongs dont make a white'

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The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

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Lie detector robot

So a Dad builds a lie detecting robot that slaps anyone when they lie. He's been suspicious of what his son has been up to lately.

So they are sitting at the dinner table, the mum, the dad, the son, and the robot.
The dad asks his son "So where were you last night?"
The son replies "I was at the library"
*the robot slaps the son*
Son: "Fine, I was at Geoff's house"
Dad: "And what were you two doing?"
Son: "studying of course"
*robot slaps the son*
Son: "ok we were watching movies"
*robot slaps the son again*
Son: "Fine! we were watching porn ok?"
Dad: "I'm disappointed in you, when I was your age we didn't even know what porn was."
*the robot slaps the dad*
Embarrassed the Dad says "Well I certainly wasn't watching it!"
*the robot slaps the dad again*
The Mum starts chuckling at the end of the table and says "He's definitely your son"
*And the robot slaps the Mum"

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Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."

So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.

So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.

"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

:)

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The Bro Code

A woman tells her husband that she is going to the bar with her friends. That night, she does not come home. When she finally comes home the next morning, she tells her husband that she spent the night at a friend's house. The husband, suspicious of his wife, calls her 10 closest friends.. None of them know what he is talking about.

The next night, the husband tells his wife that he is going to the bar with his friends. That night, he does not come home. When he comes home, he tells his wife that he spent the night at his friend's house. The wife, suspicious of her husband, calls his 10 closest friends. Eight of them confirmed his story and two claimed that he was still there.

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Gone fishing

The husband came home from work Friday afternoon and told his wife he'll be going fishing for the weekend with his friends from work. The suspicious wife ever so kindly offered to pack for him. She went unto their closet and threw a duffle bag full of clothes and toiletries together. Having loaded up his truck, the husband kissed his lovely wife goodbye and took off for the weekend.

On Sunday evening, the husband returned home. The wife cheerfully asked her husband how his weekend was. The husband exclaimed it was great and he had a great time with his friends. However, he told his wife, that he couldn't find his PJs so he was forced to sleep in his jeans the whole weekend. The wife got up from her seat and slapped her husband, and yelled "THEY WERE IN YOUR TACKLE BOX!"

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The talking dog....

A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."

The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"

"Ruff" says the dog.

"What is on top of a house?"

"Roof" says the dog.

The bartender is getting annoyed, so the man begs to let him ask one more question.

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Roof" says the dog.

With that, the bartender halls the man and his dog out onto the street. The man is dejected. The dog sees this, looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio?"

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'

'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

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A head of state is suspicious about his wife

A head of state is suspicious about his wife cheating with a member of his cabinet.

So one night he inserts a razor blade inside her and after a week has passed ordered all the members to remove their pants. To his surprise everyone had his dick cut except the Minister of Defense. He then thanks him for his loyalty and appoints him the prime minister, the Minister of Defense then replies " Thank you thire".

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[NSFW] I got a little suspicious when my girlfriend of 3 years suddenly changed her ring tone

She had never bleached her asshole before.

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Jesus

One day, a cop was driving along when a car just whizzed past him. He turns on his siren and chases him down. Once the cop finally pulls over the car, he walks up and sees Pastor Brown, the pastor at his town's church. Upon peering into Pastor Brown's car he notices a suspicious bottle. The cop says "Pastor, what's in that bottle?"
To which the Pastor replies "Just water, officer."
So the cop, being a cop, takes a sip of the liquid to see if he's lying or not. But it's not water...it's wine!
So the cop says "Hey this is wine!"
And the pastor replies "Oh Jesus must be at it again!"

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An American decides to get rich quick...

By suing bus companies. So, he goes to a bus station, and when the bus arrives he sticks his leg out so it gets runs over. He spends 6 weeks in hospital and is given $10,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he goes to a different state and does the same thing, but this time with the other leg. This time he spends 8 weeks in hospital and gets $20,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he decides that people in the US will get suspicious if he keeps getting run over, so he travels to England. There he goes to the first bus stop he can find, sticks his leg out, and dies of pneumonia.

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What are the most funny Suspicious jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Suspicious? Well, here are the best Suspicious dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Suspicious pick up lines to share with friends.

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