susie Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious susie puns

As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"

Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

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Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."


That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

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Where did Susie go after being hit by the bus?

Everywhere

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Past& Sees Her.

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past& sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised& ask her 'how do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin& suck 'em until they're dry.

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Little Johnny is in English class...

And the teacher calls on the class. "Who can give me an example of a sentence using the word, 'Definitely'?"

Little Susie raises her hand, "The sky is definitely blue."

"Very good," replies the teacher, "but when it's nighttime the sky is black, and when it's raining the sky is grey. Anyone else?"

Little Timmy raises his hand,"Grass is definitely green."

"Very good," the teacher again replies, "But Kentucky has blue grass and grass turns brown as it dies. Anyone-"

Before she can finish, Little Johnny pipes up, "Teacher, do farts have lumps?"

"No, Little Johnny."

"Well, then, I definitely just shit my pants."

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Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a hooker to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

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Little Johnny in creative writing

The teacher start creative writing class by saying, "Today I want you to write a sentence that uses the word 'beautiful' twice".

Susie goes first: "My mom bought me a beautiful dress and I look beautiful in it."

Next, the teacher calls on Mary: "Today is a beautiful sunny day, helping the beautiful flowers to grow."

Thinking, "Little Johnny can't possibly make this ugly", the teacher calls on him. Little Johnny says, "Last night at dinner my sister told us she is pregnant and my Dad said, 'Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful.'"

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Larry and anatomy

Little Larry and Susie were in 6th grade and they were going through a sex ed/anatomy section in class. One day the teacher pulled down a diagram of the female anatomy and pointed at the breasts. Then she asked "any of you girls know what these are called?". Little Susie promptly raised her hand and when called on answered "breasts, and my mom has two of them". The teacher praised her for the correct answer. Then she pulled down a chart of the male anatomy and pointed at the penis and asked "any of you boys know what this is called?". Little Larry could hardly contain himself and blurted out "yes ma'am, that's a penis... and my dad has two of them!". The teacher scolded him for not waiting until called on to answer, and then said "Larry, you're partially correct... yes that's a penis, but your father only has ONE of them". Larry immediately said "oh no ma'am... he has TWO of them! He has a little one that he pees with and a big one he brushes mom's teeth with".

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Legs up in the Air

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

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Where did Susie go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

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Little Susie came home from school one day.

Her mom asks "How was school today sweetie?"

"GOOD! Johnny showed me his penis on the playground!"

"What!" Said her mom, "Well what did you think about it?

"It reminded me of a peanut."

"HAHA, Because it was so small?" Joked her mom.

"NO! Because it tasted salty!"

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Using the word 'definitely'

A 3rd grade English teacher stood in front of her class and asked for volunteers to use the word 'definitely' to describe something.



The first student, Johnny, raised his hand and said "Teacher, the sky is definitely blue!"

The teacher responds "Well Johnny, sometimes the sky can be grey and sometimes it can be black." Defeated, Johnny put his hand down.

The next student, Susie, looking to make Johnny look bad proudly said "The grass is definitely green."

Teacher responded "Not so true Susie. When the grass dies, it can be brown, or yellow." Susie was embarrassed.

The teacher looked around the room and saw a puzzled look on her student's faces. Just as she was about the help her students out, little Billy threw his hand up.

"Yes Billy?"

"Teacher, are farts lumpy?" Little Billy asked.

"No Billy, farts are not lumpy."


"....Then I definitely just pooped my pants."


EDIT - Names...D'oh. Face meet palm

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A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.

"Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!" Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. "Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?"

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Why did Susie drop her ice cream?

Because she was hit by a bus.

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Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?"

"No son. Of course not"

"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"

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Susie wasn't the best student in Sunday school...

Susie was sleeping in class when the teacher asked her "who created the universe?" Timmy, who was sitting behind her, poked her with his pencil to wake her up and she yelled out "God Almighty!" Very good, said the teacher.

Later, when Susie was sleeping again her teacher asked her "Who is our lord and saviour?" Again Timmy poker her with a pencil and she yelled out "Jesus Christ!" Well done, said the teacher, who was clearly impressed.

Even later, Susie was again asleep and the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Timmy goes to poke Susie with his pencil again and she yells out "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"

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Dad Jokes anyone!

Little Johnny: Will you marry me?

Susie: You have to ask my father first.

Little Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.

Susie: And what did he say?

Little Johnny: He said he's already married.

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School!

Johnny's teacher asked him "if you had 15 jellybeans and Susie asked you for five , how many would you have left ?"

Johnny replied, "15"

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A teacher is teaching the alphabet...

She tells the students that she is going to go through all the letters of the alphabet and each student must tell her one object that starts with that letter...

She begins with "A"

Little Johnny excitedly jumps up and waves his arms in the air shouting "oh oh oh, I know! Pick me!"

Immediately the teacher begins to think of all of the possible bad things Johnny could say beginning with A
She decides to pick someone else

"Susie" - "apple" - "good Susie"
"The next letter is B"

Once again Johnny jumps up and waves his arms. The teacher realizes that she still can't pick him due to the terrible things he might say.

After this process continues for each letter the teacher gets to the letter "R"
Johnny jumps up, and the teacher decides that "R" is safe enough and that there is nothing bad Johnny could say.
She nervously calls out "Johnny, can you name something that begins with R?"
"Why yes" Johnny replies
The teacher holds her breath.
"Rats..."
She sighs a sigh of relief
"...big fucking rats with big giant cocks"

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[NSFW] Little Johnny runs up to his dad after school and asks him,

"Dad, is it ok for me to stroke other people's pets?"

"Yes Johnny, as long as they say its alright".

"Then, is it alright for me to show my friends around our chicken farm?" asks Johnny

"Um, I don't see why not." replies his dad.

"Great! See ya."

"Where are you going?"

"Gotta run Dad, Susie said that if I show her my cock, she'll let me play with her pussy."

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A man goes into confession...

Man - "Father I have sinned. I had sex out of wedlock."

Father - "Oh that is bad. Who was it with?"

Man - "Oh no, I don't want to say who it was."

Father - "Well was it Mary?"

Man - "No no sir it wasn't Mary."

Father - "Well than it must've been Susie."

Man - "No father it wasn't Susie. I don't really want to say."

Father - "Ok just go ten hail Marys then you should be ok."

The man goes outside and sees his friends waiting for him.

Friends - "How was it?"

Man - "Not bad, I got two great leads!"

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"Let's start today's english class with the alphabet," says the teacher

"Who can give me a word beginning with the letter 'A'? "

"Asshole!" says Frank

"Frank! That's not a nice word!
OK then, who can give me a word beginning with the letter B?"

"Bastard!" says Susie!

"Susie! That's not a nice word!" Says the teacher, who now decides to miss out the letter C,
"OK who can give me a word beginning with the letter D?"

"Dwarf!" says little Johnny.

"Very good Johnny! Can you tell everyone what a dwarf is?"

"It's a little cunt about half as tall as me"

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As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase

"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.

"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

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One my grandmother told me . . .

Little Susie's mother was sending her to the corner grocery store. "Ask for a pound of dried peas," she said. "And don't forget to ask Mr. Jones how his wife is feeling. She had a bad fall last week."
So Little Susie walks to the grocery repeating to herself, "A pound of dried peas, and how is your wife feeling? A pound of dried peas and how is your wife feeling?"
So she finally gets to the grocery store and goes up to Mr. Jones behind the counter.
"Well hello, Little Susie," said Mr. Jones. "What can I do for you?"
Little Susie replied in one breath, "I would like a pound of dried peas, and how is your wife feeling?"
"Split or whole?" said Mr. Jones.
Little Susie's eyes bulged out. "She DID?!"

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Using the word definitely in a sentence

Someone told me this one today. Hopefully, it's not a repost.

A kindergarten teacher asks her class, "who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "the sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "sorry Susie, but the sky can also be red at sunset and black at night."

A little boy says, "trees are definitely green."

The teacher says, "sorry, but trees change colors in the fall."

Johnny stands up suddenly and blurts out, "does a fart have lumps?"

Horrified, the teacher exclaims, "Johnny, of course not!"

Johnny sits back down and says, "ok, then I've definitely shit my pants."

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So, a mother takes her daughter to a doctor...

A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the
doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and
I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never
even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and
said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"

"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out
there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one
was going to show up."

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Playing doctor

Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother.

Later the Susie's mother confronted the Johnny's mother. "My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!".

Johnny's mother responded calmly, "that's OK, kids are always exploring. I wouldn't worry about it."

Susie's mom screamed out, "but he took out her appendix!"

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There were two sisters...

Once upon a time, in the wild, wild West there were two sisters, Jill and Susie. A relative of theirs dies and leaves the two sisters a ranch. The ranch was run down and they had little else to their name besides the ranch so they thought they'd invest what they had left into a stud bull to mate with their cows.

They found an ad in the paper for a healthy bull for sale for $500 and decided Jill would go down and see if the bull would be suitable and Susie would stay back and manage the ranch. If Jill decided the bull was fine she would send a telegraph back home to have Susie come down and help bring the bull back up.

Jill travels out to look at the bull and decides that it is worth the money. She pays the $500 and goes to the telegraph office to send word to her sister. She told the operator she'd like to send a message to her sister that the bull was fine and that she should come down to help bring it back to the ranch.

The operator told her it would cost $1 per word. All Jill had left after buying the bull was $1 and she thought long and hard about the message she could send. Finally, she told the operator to send the word "comfortable." The operator shook his head and said, "I don't get it, why the word comfortable?" Jill said, my sister is blonde, she'll look at the word and read it slow. COM-FOR-DA-BULL.

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Susie, you got half the problems wrong.

That's okay, Dad. I want to be a meteorologist when I grow up

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Little Susie

Little Susie came home from school one day and shouted "Mom! Mom! I made $5 today!" Her mother asked "How did you do that, Little Susie?" Little Susie said "I was walking home from school when a man offered me $5 to climb a pole!" Her mother was appalled and said "Little Susie, don't do that! That man just wanted to get a look at your underwear!"

The next day, Little Susie came home from school and shouted "Mom! Mom! I made $5 today!" Her mother angrily said "Little Susie! What did I tell you about that? That man just wants to look at your underwear!" Little Susie smiled and said "But mom I tricked him... I wasn't wearing any underwear."

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Use the word definitely in a sentence

A teacher of a grade three class is teaching her class about the word definitely. Towards the end of class the teacher asks the class to use definitely correctly in a sentence. A boy named Tom puts his hand up first.
"Tree leaves are definitely green."
"That is incorrect because during Fall leaves can turn red and orange." replies the teacher. A girl named Susie puts her hand up next.
"The sky is definitely blue."
"That is also incorrect because during sunsets the sky can turn red, orange and pink."
A boy in the back of the class named Johnny puts his hand up. The teacher knowing that Johnny has a bad reputation reluctantly lets him answer as he is the only one with his hand in the air.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Miss do farts have lumps?"
"No, why?"
"Then I definitely shit my pants."
I hope everybody enjoyed this joke like I did when I first heard it.

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A Sunday school teacher was teaching her first-grade class.

"Class," she said, "what were the first words Jesus said when he walked out of the tomb on Easter morning?"

A little girl waved her hand excitedly. "Ooh! Ooh! I know!" she said. "Pick me! Pick me!"

The teach smiled and said, "All right, Susie. What did Jesus say when he walked out of the tomb?"

Susie stood up proudly. "He said, 'TAH-DAH!'"

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Hi. I am here. First post, go easy on me.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

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It's the first day of 3rd grade...

Their teacher wanted them to behave more grown up since they were no longer in second grade.

As such, the teacher told them to use grownup words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

Susie went first and said she went to see her Nana.

The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.'

Next Samantha said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. Once again the teacher again said, 'No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'

Then the teacher asked Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, 'Winnie the Shit.'

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Little Susie goes to the doctor...

Little Susie goes to the doctor. Doctor puts a stethoscope on her back and says, "Ok now, big breathes."
Susie says, "I know! And I'm only 12!"

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What are the most funny Susie jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Susie? Well, here are the best Susie dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Susie pick up lines to share with friends.

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