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Survivors Jokes

78 survivors jokes and hilarious survivors puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about survivors that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Survivors Short Jokes

Short survivors jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The survivors humour may include short survival jokes also.

  1. The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas. The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
  2. Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.
  3. There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.
    They collide...
    All the survivors were marooned.
  4. I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives... The results were shocking.
  5. North Korea has finished nuking the South, and there was one man left alive. He was the Seoul survivor.
  6. French cat joke Two cat's are trying to cross a river, ones name is Onetwothree and the others name is Undeuxtrois.
    Why was Onetwothree the only survivor?
    Because Undeuxtrois cat sank.
  7. How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ten. One to screw it in and nine to form a support group for Survivors of Darkness.
  8. A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke. How do you know when it's time to get a new Dishwasher?
    When she cheats on you.
    ...
    ^(That makes it okay, right?)
  9. So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting... The ham looks over at the turkey and says:
    "What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "
  10. One hundred bacteria walk into a bar... of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

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Survivors One Liners

Which survivors one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with survivors? I can suggest the ones about cancer survivor and survivor show.

  1. The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday. There were no survivors
  2. What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive] A sandy hook survivor.
  3. A group of Germans walk into a BAR... after 20 rounds there are no survivors.
  4. Three Germans walk in to a BAR. There were no survivors.
  5. What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
  6. My grandpa was one of the Holocaust survivors... But then again, most guards survived.
  7. What is a shark attack survivor's favorite coffee? Half-caf. I'll see myself out.
  8. A helicopter crashed into a cemetary So far 2 survivors and 300 bodies have been found.
  9. We didn't have fancy Survivor Bias when I was a kid... and I turned out just fine.
  10. A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors 6 Finger Death Punch
  11. Robespierre, Trotsky, and Mao walk into a bar. There are no survivors.
  12. A red and blue ship collided in the Mediterranean today. The survivors are marooned.
  13. My mom always told me I was strong, and a survivor ...of an abortion
  14. What do you call third grader with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
  15. What do you call someone who has had no friends for 5 years? A Sandy Hook survivor.

Survivors joke, What do you call someone who has had no friends for 5 years?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about survivors can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of survivors puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Unearthly Funniest Survivors Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about survivors you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean rescuers jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make survivors prank.

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven...

A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven and upon entry through the Pearly Gates, meets God and says, "hey, do you want to hear a Holocaust joke?"
To which God replies, "I guess, go ahead."
After the joke God responds, "that was not funny."
The Holocaust survivor answers in turn, "well, I guess you had to be there."

A magician and his parrot...

This magician was getting annoyed with his parrot, because during every trick the parrot would spoil it by saying something along the lines of "It's in your shirt, braack." He then decided to get rid of him, so he took him on a ship, and into the boiler room. The magician shot the parrot, but missed. The ship exploded and the only survivors were the magician and the parrot, surprisingly. The parrot then says, "Alright, braack, you got me, where is the ship, braack."

Lone Survivor

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"

A bus full of housewives

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
People cried for a week. But there was a man who was still crying after 2 weeks. When asked why he is still crying, he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus."

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...
And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

I found a great online simulator of being the lone survivor of the human race.

It's called Google Plus.

I was talking to a hiroshima survivor about his near death experience...

He told me he saw the light

I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

Two ships crashed in the night one ship was carrying red paint the other blue

The survivors were marooned

Watched a TV show about s**... Survivors last night

Needless to say it was a bit one sided

Death toll in Orlando club shooting hits 50

Most of the survivors found were in the closet.

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

A small plane crashed into a cemetery...

the forensics found no survivors. They have found 268 bodies by sunset. They will continue searching tomorrow morning...

Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down

It was the sole survivor.

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors.

Those poor unfortunate soles.

Irishman and the fire

Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.
They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.
"What happened! How did the fire start?!" they ask him.
"How should I know?" says the Irishman. "It was already on fire when I went in.."

I made a joke about the plane c**... that had no survivors in it to my wife

She got angry at me and called me insensitive.
I told her, "you had to be there"

A plane crashes on a desert island and there are three survivors, a woman and two men.

After two weeks on the island the woman is so ashamed of what they have been doing that she kills herself. Two weeks after she kills herself the men are so ashamed of what they have been doing that they decide to bury her. Two weeks after they bury her the two men are so ashamed at what they have been doing that they dig her up again.

a plane crashed and every single person died, but how were there still survivors of the plane c**...?

the married people on the plane survived

I watched a documentary about s**... survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"
Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:

"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven

On arrival in heaven, the Holocaust survivor tells God a Holocaust joke. God says, "that's not funny." The survivor replies, "ah, well, you had to be there."

Next time I meet someone that says they are a cancer survivor...

I will say, "no doubt, my last girlfriend was a taurus."

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors
He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

A Holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to heaven.

He tells God a Holocaust joke.
God replies, That's not funny.
He replies, I guess you had to be there.

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven

He walks up to God and tells God a Holocaust joke. God says that's not funny . The Holocaust survivor says you're right, I guess you had to be there .

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking wehn one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ‟Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.
The one says to the other, ‟should we do it?? The other says ‟NO!! Are you crazy? The first guy replies ‟Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gonna do it. So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says ‟well, did you get the money? He replies ‟Oh that's all you people think about, is not it??

My jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

A small airplane crashes into the ground in a small town, and some curious locals go to the c**... site to see what happened.

Some of the locals start digging to see if there are any survivors trapped in the plane.
A few hours in, they give up the search and one of the locals goes back to his house and tells his wife what happened.
He tells his wife that there were over 1000 bodies found in the c**... site, but no survivors were found.
Oh my god, where did it c**...? the wife asked in shock.
In the town cemetery. the husband replied.

One of the Saddest Stories I've Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team's plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.
Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a working diving board and bring some normalcy back into their lives!


But alas… The poor b**... were forced to resort to cannonballism.

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon meeting God, he decides to tell a Holocaust joke.
After hearing it, God said "Hey, that's not funny."
To which the Holocaust survivor replied, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

Two friends go hunting....

While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.
The Survivor calls 911.
Survivor: My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!
911: Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?
***BANG***
Survivor: Okay, now what?

Survivors joke, The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live

jokes about survivors

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these survivors jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.