survivors Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious survivors puns

Why sharks circle before they attack...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

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I watched a documentary about stroke survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

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A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island..

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

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An englishman, a German and a chinaman crash on a deserted island...

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean, and only three survivors wash ashore a deserted island: An Englishman, a German and a Chinaman
(A more stereotypical joke setup you'd be hard-pressed to find).

So the German takes charge, tells the two others: "you brit, build us a shelter, I will go out to find food. You, chinese boy, there must have been something left from the plane, take care of the supplies".

Several hours later, the german dude comes back to camp, where the englishman has built passable accomodation for their little band of refugees. However, the third survivor is nowhere to be found... well shit, he was probably eaten by a wild animal whjile salvaging...too bad for him.

they make themselves comfortable and start eating the berries and coconuts gathered when suddenly the chinaman jumps out of a nearby bush and yells "Supplise!"

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

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There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea.

One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.

They collide...

All the survivors were marooned.

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The cruise ship survivors

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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I made a joke about the plane crash that had no survivors in it to my wife

She got angry at me and called me insensitive.

I told her, "you had to be there"

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3 soldiers receive their payment

The war is over. It all depended on one mission.

After the 3 remaining survivors received their medals the president says: "I can not thank you enough. For your payment, you will choose any length from one body part to another and I will give you one thousand Dollars for every inches I measure."

The first soldier, the biggest of them said: "Sir, measure the distance between my toes and my forehead, sir!" The president says: "78 inch. That's 78,000 Dollars!" He receives his money and happily walks off.

The second says "Sir, I'll take the distance between one hand and the other.", as he spreads his arms.
The president measures it and says: "76 inches. That's 76,000 Dollars!"
The young soldier can't complain. He takes his money and walks off.

The president asks the third one. A tough old veteran who has killed many men in his life. Without showing any emotion he says: "From the tip of my dick to my balls."
The president is surprised, and a bit disgusted, but being a man of his word, he pulls down the old veteran's pants. "Where are your balls?"

"'Nam, sir."

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There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.....

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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A joke about nuns

A bus full of nuns crashes on the highway, and there are no survivors. The nuns all wake in a line to the pearly gates, with Saint Peter standing there with a basin of holy water.

The first nun in line walks up to Peter. He looks at her and says, "well, you were an all around good person, you gave your life to God... but let me ask you one question... have you ever touched a penis?"

The nun shys away for a second, but answers, "um... yes... but it was an accident, I didn't mean to." Peter smiles and says, "that's okay, just wash your hand off with holy water and you're allowed in."

The next nun in line comes up to Peter, and he says, "well, you were an all around good person, you gave your life to God... but let me ask you one question... have you ever touched a penis?"

The nun shys away, and says, "yes I have once... I held one in both my hands and rubbed it up and down."

Saint Peter smiles again and says, "well that's okay, just wash your hands off with holy water and you're allowed in."

Just then, a nun comes running up the line, knocking everyone down to get to the front.

Saint Peter says, "excuse me, what's the meaning of all this?! You can't cut in front of everyone!"

The nun replies, "sorry, but lemme gargle with some of that shit before Sister Anne has to stick her ass in it."

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5 men and 1 woman on a deserted island

Five men and one woman strand on a deserted island after their cruise ship sank. They are the only survivors. They find shelter and enough food and water to sustain them. So now they discuss the matter of sex. They all agree that each man gets his different day of the week to have sex with the woman. And in the weekends the woman is free to choose any or no man.
Now everything is going fine. But after 3 weeks the woman gets ill and eventually dies. The first week, the men are doing fine. The second week, it gets harder. But the third week, it becomes unbearable. That's when they decided to bury the woman.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American were in a plane...

And the plane crashed into a jungle only leaving them alive. They were promptly captured by a tribe of cannibals. One of the cannibals had eaten a linguist a few years back and could converse with the three survivors pretty well and informed them that they were to be killed, eaten, and their skin was going to be used to make a canoe. But because this was a tribe of sophisticated cannibals, the survivors were allowed to choose their own form of death.

The Englishman chose a pistol and said "God save the Queen!" and blew his own brains out.

The Frenchman chose a knife and said "Vive la France!" before slitting his own throat.

The American requested a fork. The cannibals, a bit perplexed, supplied the American with his eating utensil. He immediately began stabbing himself violently in the chest screaming "Make a canoe out of this, motherfucker!"

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The Stubborn Priest

A flood wipes out an entire town, making the only survivors having to take refuge on the roofs of a local church, one of which was the local priest.

Eventually, a rescue team comes by boat, and orders all the survivors to get on. All do so happily, except for the priest.

God is my only saviour, and *He* will be the one to come save me! He chants.

The rescuers try their best to convince him to get on the boat, but he doesn't budge. Eventually they abandon the priest on the church rooftop.

Then, a second rescue boat comes to do another check of any survivors, and sure enough, they find the priest reciting the bible, praying for God to rescue him.

Again, they try to convince him to come with them, and again he answers, God is my only saviour, and *He* will be the one to come save me!

They try and try, but he refuses. Eventually, they again abandon him on the roof.

Then one last boat arrives after a few hours, and again, for the last time, they try to convince the priest to come on the lifeboat. And again, he refuses, God is my only saviour, and *He* will be the one to come save me!

They end up having to abandon the priest, and no more lifeboats come. Eventually, he dies after one week on the rooftop.

At heaven's gate, he asks the angels, I was praying to God to come save me! Why did you let me die?!

We sent not one, not two, but *three damn lifeboats* to come save you, but you refused all of them!

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I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

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A bus full of housewives

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
People cried for a week. But there was a man who was still crying after 2 weeks. When asked why he is still crying, he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus."

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So there's this terrible shipwreck, with only three survivors - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey.

So there's a terrible shipwreck, and there are only three survivors that wash up onto a desert island - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey. They're immediately captured by cannibals and spend days locked in a cage, awaiting their fate. Finally the Chief of the cannibals comes to them, after days of starvation, and says "We're going to kill you, eat you, and make canoes out of your skin."

"Oh no," they cry. "Won't you reconsider?"

"No," says the Chief. "But I will let each of you choose how you will die."

So the British guy says, "Very well, if I must die, give me a pistol with a single shot." So they do, and he bravely puts it to his head and says "God Save The Queen," and blows his brains out.

Next the French guy says, "Oui, if I must go, give me ze noose." So they do, and he throws it around a tree branch and bravely says "Viva la France," and hangs himself.

Lastly the guy from Jersey scratches his junk, spits, and says "Hey yeah, uh, gimme a fork." So they do, and he stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, all over. He says "Fuck your canoe."

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Stranded

So a plane crashes near a deserted island, and the only survivors are Megan Fox and a guy named Bill. So for months, Bill builds her a shelter, catches fish, cooks, and takes care of Megan, while being a perfect gentleman.

So then Megan approaches Bill one night, and they make passionate love on the beach. This goes on for two weeks.

One day Bill is acting down. Megan asks him, "Bill what's wrong?"

"Nothing." he replies.

Megan persists. "Really, what's wrong?"

"it's ... No, don't worry about it."

Megan turns him around and says, "If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know."

Bill says, "Okay this is weird, but can you wear my hat?"

Megan think to herself, "guys like girls in baseball caps." she says "Sure, why not."

"can you wear my shirt and pants too?"

She thinks to herself, "a shirt I can understand, but the pants? Okay.." so she agrees, and puts them on.

Bill then says "can I borrow your mascara and put a mustache on you can call you Fred?"

At this point she just doesn't care any more. "sure, what ever."

"FRED!! You'll never believe who I've been fucking for the last two weeks!!!"

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A guy is in a shipwreck…

The only survivors are him and (insert you favorite celebrity/supermodel here). The two are there for years and in spite of her celebrity and his relative ordinariness the two fall in love and live very happily together for many years. One day she tells him, "Ive been so happy with you these past years. I never would have thought I could be so happy alone with just one person in a situation like this. Is there anything that you truly miss that I might be able to do for you?" He said that his best friend back in the world was named Ed and he asked her if she would let him pretend that she was Ed for just a few minutes. She was very happy to be able to do something so simple for him and of course said yes. He said, "Great! Lets go for a walk on the beach." After a few minutes walking on the beach he turns to her and says,"Hey Ed, you'll never believe who I've been fuckin'!"

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Love is in the Air

**First**

There once was a fellow named Dave

Who dug up a whore from her grave

She was moldy as shit

And missing a tit

But think of all the money he saved !

**Second**

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors: David, Darren and Daisy.
They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally.

Eventually Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself.
It's sad for David and Darren but they get over it and again nature takes it's course.

After year's time they feel really bad about what they are doing...

.. .so they bury her.

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A plane crashes in a jungle

and three guys are the only survivors. They have to walk out of the jungle to civilization. While they are walking they hear "Foo Foo" and a big blob of shit lands on one guy's head. He is disgusted and brushes it off. He immediately falls over dead. The other two guys are freaked out, but they have no choice but to keep on walking. Down the road a bit they hear again "Foo Foo", and a big blob of shit lands on one of their heads. The second guy is disgusted and wipes the shit off his head and falls over dead like the first guy. The third guy is really weirded out by this, but keeps on walking. As he walks he hears the "Foo Foo" again and tries to dodge the shit but it lands on his head anyway. He remembers the other two guys and doesn't brush it off, he just keeps walking. Eventually he makes it back to civilization. He buys a hat to cover up the shit and gets on with his life. When he gets back home he is reunited with his wife and they have awesome reunion sex. After sex, he falls asleep. His wife gets curious about the hat and takes it off of him. She finds the shit and brushes it off. The guy immediately dies.

The moral of the story is... "If the Foo shits, wear it."

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A group of Germans walk into a BAR...

after 20 rounds there are no survivors.

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Survivors

A Canadian, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a deserted island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can't find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells "SUPPLIES!"

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So theres this ship...

This ship is carrying Hitler, his Nazi soldiers, and several Jewish prisoners. The ship sinks however, and the only survivors are Hitler, two soldiers, and one Jewish prisoner.

Hitler says "this raft can only support three people. I'm gonna ask you a series of questions. If you get them right, you can stay."

Hitler goes up to the first Nazi soldier and asks, "What was the worst nautical disaster to ever happen?" He says the Titanic. Hitler says "Alright you can stay".

He goes up to the second soldier and asks, "How many people died on the Titanic?" The soldier says, "Approximately 2000". Hitler says, "Alright you can stay".

Then he goes up to the Jewish prisoner and he goes, "Name them".

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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten. One to screw it in and nine to form a support group for Survivors of Darkness.

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Irishman and the fire

Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.

They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.

"What happened! How did the fire start?!" they ask him.

"How should I know?" says the Irishman. "It was already on fire when I went in.."

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A plane crashes in the ocean . . .

And there are only three survivors: an American, an Englishman, and an Indian. A shark comes along, eats the American, eats the Englishman, and swims off. The Indian man cries out to the shark, "Shark! Why did you spare my life?" The shark swims back and says, "I ate one of you bastards last year and my ass is still burning."

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Watched a TV show about Stroke Survivors last night

Needless to say it was a bit one sided

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So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting...

The ham looks over at the turkey and says:

"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "

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Soup for the Mind in riddle form

1. a rooster lays an egg at the very top of a pointed roof. which way does the egg roll??

2. A plane crashes directly in the middle of the border between Canada and U.S.A. where where the survivors buried?

3. Two babys were born from the same mother, on the same day, of the same year, on the same minute, yet were not twins... how is this possible??



Answeres

1. roosters dont lay eggs, hens do
2. the survivors wouldnt need to be buried, the dead would
3. they were part of a triplet,not twins




i know they are old and easy, but better ones WILL come.

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A pirate ship is blown apart during a battle with the Navy.

A pirate ship is blown up during a battle with the Navy. The only survivors are an old crusty pirate and a pesky parrot. As they float together on some old timbers the parrot asks, "How's your ass?"
The pirate just ignores the parrot. So the parrot asks again, "How's your ass?" Again the pirate ignores him. Over and over again the parrot asks, "How's your ass? How's your ass?" Finally, annoyed, the old pirate yells at the parrot, "Awww, shut up!!!" The parrot replies, "Mine too, must be the salt water."

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A ship went down on a reef...

There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.

They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have sex. As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and the cat. Naturally, he chose the dog - man`s best friend. But the cat had a jealous streak, and would always interrupt the man when he tried to have his way with the dog. The man tried all kinds of strategies, but it was no use. The cat never allowed him a chance to get it on with the dog.

Then one day, another ship went down on the reef. From this ship there was only one survivor; a beautiful 22 year old woman. She almost drowned in the surf as she made her way to the island, but the man rescued her - effectively saving her life.

The woman was so grateful that she offered to do anything for the man.

"Anything?" asked the man, already thinking about his carnal desires.

"Yes. Absolutely anything. I`ll do anything to show you my appreciation. For you are my savior," she replied.

"Well then", said the man, "I`d be delighted if you could take the cat for a walk for half an hour."

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3 survivors and a chance for survival.(Long joke)

So three survivors of an aeroplane crash where captured by the local tribal men. The chief told the three men that if they go collect 10 fruit from the jungle and return they will be set free.

So the survivors went into the jungle and collected fruit.
One of the survivors came back with 10 apples and told the chief "here you go please set me free".

The chief declined and told him that was not all that he wanted him to do.
The chief told him that he had to stick the fruit up his arse without expressing any emotions at all or he would be instantly killed on sight. If he succeeded at placing the fruit up his bottom he would be set free.

The survivor knew he had really no chance at all but he said he'd give it ago. The survivor starts placing the shiny green apples up his bottom and gets to about 5 before he starts screaming in agony. He instantly gets killed for failing the task.

Whilst this was happening another survivor comes back with 10 grapes and overhears the instructions. He accepts and starts placing the small grapes up his bottom. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9..... He starts laughing loudly and gets instantly killed for laughing.

Up in 'Heaven' The afterlife gods asked him " Why did you not just put the last grape up your bottom to live?

He replied " I couldn't help it, I saw the last survivor carrying pineapples."


Please disregard grammar :P tired. Hope you enjoyed.

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My favorite joke when I was a kid

A plane is flying over the Atlantic when all of a sudden immense turbulence causes it to crash into the ocean. Miraculously, three survivors make it to an island where they are immediately seized by local natives. They are brought to the chief of the village, who simply says "I might spare your lives. But first, gather ten of any fruit and bring them to me."

The first man comes back with ten apples. The chief says, "You have a chance to live. We will shove these apples up your ass, and if you make a sound or move, we will kill you and eat you." Of course, as they try to force the first apple up his butt, he moans in pain and is killed and eaten.

The second man comes back with ten grapes. The chief says, "You have a chance to live. We will shove these grapes up your ass, and if you make a sound or move, we will kill you and eat you. So the man takes seven grapes up the ass but as they inserted the eighth, he began laughing hysterically. The natives are confused, but nevertheless they kill him and eat him.

The first and second man meet in the afterlife and the first man says, "You were so close! What the hell were you doing?" The second man replies, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"

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Why Sharks Circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.

"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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What are the most funny Survivors jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Survivors? Well, here are the best Survivors dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Survivors pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes