Survivors Jokes
78 survivors jokes and hilarious survivors puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about survivors that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Survivors Short Jokes
Short survivors jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The survivors humour may include short survival jokes also.
- The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas. The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
- Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.
- There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.
They collide...
All the survivors were marooned. - I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives... The results were shocking.
- North Korea has finished nuking the South, and there was one man left alive. He was the Seoul survivor.
- French cat joke Two cat's are trying to cross a river, ones name is Onetwothree and the others name is Undeuxtrois.
Why was Onetwothree the only survivor?
Because Undeuxtrois cat sank. - A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke. How do you know when it's time to get a new Dishwasher?
When she cheats on you.
...
^(That makes it okay, right?) - So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting... The ham looks over at the turkey and says:
"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. " - One hundred bacteria walk into a bar... of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.
- Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down It was the sole survivor.
Share These Survivors Jokes With Friends
Survivors One Liners
Which survivors one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with survivors? I can suggest the ones about cancer survivor and survivor show.
- The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday. There were no survivors
- What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive] A sandy hook survivor.
- A group of Germans walk into a BAR... after 20 rounds there are no survivors.
- Three Germans walk in to a BAR. There were no survivors.
- What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
- What is a shark attack survivor's favorite coffee? Half-caf. I'll see myself out.
- A helicopter crashed into a cemetary So far 2 survivors and 300 bodies have been found.
- We didn't have fancy Survivor Bias when I was a kid... and I turned out just fine.
- A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors 6 Finger Death Punch
- Robespierre, Trotsky, and Mao walk into a bar. There are no survivors.
- What do you call third grader with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
- What type of humor did the heart attack survivor like? Offbeat.
- What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows? Survivor guilt.
- What has 16 arms and 12 legs? 5 children born of Chernobyl survivors.
- Edit on the shoe factory fire. One person is still alive. They were the sole survivor
Unearthly Funniest Survivors Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about survivors you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rescuers jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make survivors pranks.
A man, a woman, and a great survivor are trapped on an island.
The survivor finds a bunch of coconuts.
The man thinks to himself, "What if there are other people on the island? Then we won't be stranded!"
He throws coconuts at nearby ships, and the island was populated.
Everybody looks at him cross.
Then they kick him off the island.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck...
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had s**... for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.
He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lone Survivor
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"
I found a great online simulator of being the lone survivor of the human race.
It's called Google Plus.
I was talking to a hiroshima survivor about his near death experience...
He told me he saw the light
I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...
Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"
As a cancer survivor, people ask me how did I come to terms with having cancer.
I didn't... It just kind of grew on me.
Death toll in Orlando club shooting hits 50
Most of the survivors found were in the closet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...
So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"
A small plane crashed into a cemetery...
the forensics found no survivors. They have found 268 bodies by sunset. They will continue searching tomorrow morning...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Survivors of a plane c**... in the middle of nowhere suddenly ran out of food
"Since we have no more food, the only option we have is cannibalism" one person said.
"But I'm vegan" said his friend.
"It's okay, the guy on the wheelchair is a vegetable"
What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor
All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines
BREAKING NEWS: A Red Cruise ship and a Blue Naval Vessel have collided in the Caribbean...
...and the survivors are marooned.
Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.
Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.
Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors.
Those poor unfortunate soles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I made a joke about the plane c**... that had no survivors in it to my wife
She got angry at me and called me insensitive.
I told her, "you had to be there"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a plane crashed and every single person died, but how were there still survivors of the plane c**...?
the married people on the plane survived
This new season of survivor is turning out better than I ever expected.
I was really worried when they announced Survivor: White House.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I watched a documentary about s**... survivors last night.
It was a bit one sided.
A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.
Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"
Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."
Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:
"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"
Good news for Detroit - a major TV show just signed to do filming there!
Unfortunately, it's Survivor.
A ship with 66 passengers sets off, however during the sail it flips over, there are no survivors but how many people died?
99
Next time I meet someone that says they are a cancer survivor...
I will say, "no doubt, my last girlfriend was a taurus."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of rebellious, man eating salads violently take over and begin eating all humans
A final group of survivors are hiding in a church and a little boy says to the priest
"Father, there are too many of them, what are we going to do? What will become of us?"
The priest says to the boy:
"Lettuce prey"
There was a terrible attack on the International Fruit Expo this year.
I was the Dole survivor...
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
Two Roman sailors were the only survivors when their longship capsized.
When asked by the rescuing ship's commander how many survivors there were, they responded "II, sir!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The expected number of Holocaust survivors is expected to double by 2020.
k**... are evil.
An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...
When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors
He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."
A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?
What plane?
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."
Juliane Koepcke was the sole survivor, when her plane crashed in the amazon
Guess they should have made the whole plane out of her
A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific
To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A small airplane crashes into the ground in a small town, and some curious locals go to the c**... site to see what happened.
Some of the locals start digging to see if there are any survivors trapped in the plane.
A few hours in, they give up the search and one of the locals goes back to his house and tells his wife what happened.
He tells his wife that there were over 1000 bodies found in the c**... site, but no survivors were found.
Oh my god, where did it c**...? the wife asked in shock.
In the town cemetery. the husband replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One of the Saddest Stories I've Ever Heard
The HighSchool Girls National diving team's plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.
Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a working diving board and bring some normalcy back into their lives!
…
…
But alas… The poor b**... were forced to resort to cannonballism.
A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven.
Upon meeting God, he decides to tell a Holocaust joke.
After hearing it, God said "Hey, that's not funny."
To which the Holocaust survivor replied, "Well, I guess you had to be there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends go hunting....
While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.
The Survivor calls 911.
Survivor: My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!
911: Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?
***BANG***
Survivor: Okay, now what?
