The Best 55 Survivor Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Survivor jokes. There are some survivor alive jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these survivor survivalist puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Survivor Jokes and Puns

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven...

A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven and upon entry through the Pearly Gates, meets God and says, "hey, do you want to hear a Holocaust joke?"

To which God replies, "I guess, go ahead."

After the joke God responds, "that was not funny."

The Holocaust survivor answers in turn, "well, I guess you had to be there."

Lone Survivor

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

Survivor joke, Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...

And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows?

Survivor guilt.

I found a great online simulator of being the lone survivor of the human race.

It's called Google Plus.

What do you call a little kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

Survivor joke, What do you call a little kid with no friends?

One hundred bacteria walk into a bar...

of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

Did you hear about the ship wreck survivor that rode a dolphin to safety?

He said he did it on porpoise.

What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive]

A sandy hook survivor.

What type of humor did the heart attack survivor like?


You can explore survivor grylls reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean survivor comedy dad jokes. There are also survivor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I was talking to a Hiroshima survivor about his near death experience...

He told me he saw the light

I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

North Korea has finished nuking the South, and there was one man left alive.

He was the Seoul survivor.

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

As a cancer survivor, people ask me how did I come to terms with having cancer.

I didn't... It just kind of grew on me.

Survivor joke, As a cancer survivor, people ask me how did I come to terms with having cancer.

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

Survivors of a plane crash in the middle of nowhere suddenly ran out of food

"Since we have no more food, the only option we have is cannibalism" one person said.

"But I'm vegan" said his friend.

"It's okay, the guy on the wheelchair is a vegetable"

I cancelled my date with a holocaust survivor...

I just don't really dig chicks with tattoos

What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor

All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines

What do you call someone who has had no friends for 5 years?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

What do you call third grader with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

French cat joke

Two cat's are trying to cross a river, ones name is Onetwothree and the others name is Undeuxtrois.
Why was Onetwothree the only survivor?
Because Undeuxtrois cat sank.

Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down

It was the sole survivor.

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

How do you know when it's time to get a new Dishwasher?

When she cheats on you.


^(That makes it okay, right?)

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

Jeff Probst is the host and executive producer of the reality TV Show Survivor.

Well, Probst to him.

My mom always told me I was strong, and a survivor

...of an abortion

You wanna know the best part about chemotherapy?

It was the free hair cuts.

Source: Childhood cancer survivor

This new season of survivor is turning out better than I ever expected.

I was really worried when they announced Survivor: White House.

What does a cancer survivor who just baked a pumpkin pie say?

"I made it."

Credit to my wonderful brother.

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"

Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

How does a tiger survivor in the wild, my darling?

They eat prey, Love.

Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:

"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"

Good news for Detroit - a major TV show just signed to do filming there!

Unfortunately, it's Survivor.

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven

On arrival in heaven, the Holocaust survivor tells God a Holocaust joke. God says, "that's not funny." The survivor replies, "ah, well, you had to be there."

Next time I meet someone that says they are a cancer survivor...

I will say, "no doubt, my last girlfriend was a taurus."

What do you call an elementary student with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

We didn't have fancy Survivor Bias when I was a kid...

and I turned out just fine.

There was a terrible attack on the International Fruit Expo this year.

I was the Dole survivor...

What did the Domestic Violence Survivor say to her the new Self Defense Instructor?

I've learned to roll with the punches.

Yo mama is so fat

That when Thanos snapped even he disappeared and she was the sole survivor

My grandfather was a Holocaust survivor and made it out of Auschwitz alive.

Then again, most of the Waffen SS did.

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

What do you call a video of a birthday party for a seventy year old breast cancer survivor ?

"Not your proudest fap."

What do you call the vaccinated twin?

Designated survivor.

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,

"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."

God doesn't laugh.

The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?

"It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."

A Holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to heaven.

He tells God a Holocaust joke.
God replies, That's not funny.
He replies, I guess you had to be there.

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven

He walks up to God and tells God a Holocaust joke. God says that's not funny . The Holocaust survivor says you're right, I guess you had to be there .

Edit on the shoe factory fire. One person is still alive.

They were the sole survivor

Juliane Koepcke was the sole survivor, when her plane crashed in the amazon

Guess they should have made the whole plane out of her

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.

"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking wehn one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says β€ŸConvert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.
The one says to the other, β€Ÿshould we do it?? The other says β€ŸNO!! Are you crazy? The first guy replies β€ŸHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gonna do it. So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says β€Ÿwell, did you get the money? He replies β€ŸOh that's all you people think about, is not it??

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the survivor reporters jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working survivor outlive piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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