Survive Jokes
138 survive jokes and hilarious survive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about survive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laughing may not seem like the most obvious way to cope with tough times, but understanding why jokes outlive any crisis can help you survive. Learn why humor is essential to your survivalist mentality in this article and discover tips to outlive any joke.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Survive Short Jokes
Short survive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The survive humour may include short survival jokes also.
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.
- TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived. Apparently it protects against harmful rays.
- Thank you banks Thank you banks for the student loans, car loans and mortgages, which helped me survive my life.
I don't know if I can ever repay you. - Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran. First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience
- Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper. This shows how toxic the media is.
- If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive? American comedy films.
- When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation... Almost died in Finding Nemo
- Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly This shows how toxic the media is
Share These Survive Jokes With Friends
Survive One Liners
Which survive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with survive? I can suggest the ones about staying alive and endure.
- Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives? America
- I knew a guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He is now a seasoned veteran
- An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives? The flambuoyants.
- How do you survive a fall without a parachute? Just like any other season
- My grandfather survived both the hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings Being in Canada helped.
- Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts But even he could not survive 2016
- Animals: winter is here, we need a plan to survive. Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
- My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings. Being in Australia helped.
- I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.
- What do you call a failed abortion? Survival of the fetus
- Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and rick perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives? Texas
- I can't even count on one hand the number of times I've survived frostbite. It's three.
- Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids... ... no one could survive that many dad jokes!
- two bears walk into a bar no one survived.
- What does a diabetic neckbeard need to survive? Incelin
I Will Survive Jokes
Here is a list of funny i will survive jokes and even better i will survive puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Mom, why didn't you vaccinate me?" "I didn't want you to get autism, honey."
"Thanks mom. I could have not survived having autism and polio at the same time." - Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants? That is something i never herbivore!
- So I am a proud anti-vac parent and my kids turned out great! The ones that survived, anyway.
- How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.
I'm so sorry. - Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains. This gives me hope for the next generation.
- People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust. Most of the guards survived didn't they?
- Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay! Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.
- I've always wondered how vegans survived No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention. - Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say that he's a seasoned veteran.
- Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives? The United States of America.
Fun-Filled Survive Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about survive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean revive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make survive pranks.
A man was talking to a vampire at 11 PM
Man: so you disintegrate when you see the sun?
Vampire: yes.
Man: then how do tou survive in the moonlight?
Vampire: what?
Man: the moon is just reflecting off of the sun.
Vampire: ...
And that children, is why vampires don't exist.
Who will survive no nut november the longest?
The people with a severe nut allergy
Apparently you can survive just by eating plants.
That's something I haven't herbivore.
Lone Survivor
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"
Why did all the b**... survive the holocaust?
Because they had to go to the back of the line
A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
A man went hunting in Alaska.
A man was hunting in Alaska when he found himself confronted by a small, agitated bear. In order to survive, he shot it. Feeling hungry, he decided to utilize it and cook dinner in the woods.
It was tasty, even though it was a little grizzly.
Still the best blonde joke to date..
A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"
The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y**... the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.
"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"
"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen y**... the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
If you survive colon cancer
Are you only left with a semi colon?
How did Bilbo survive the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Because old Hobbits die hard...
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
They say if you survive childhood, there is only 0.001% chance of dying a v**... ...
... So as I'm going skydiving tomorrow, I'm feeling kinda reassured.
Scientists thought we would never have enough air to survive on the moon...
...then they opened a bag of Lays chips.
what do you call a crab who will do anything to survive in the ocean?
a shell out
A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.
Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have s**.... Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having s**.... After a few days of s**..., they feel guilty about what they've been doing...
So they bury her.
I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet
Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.
What human o**... would survive the longest in the hunger games?
The liver
Breaking news: A helicopter has c**... landed into a cemetery in Ireland
The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.
Why is a room of 50 doctors safer than a room with 1000 doctors?
You can't survive in 1000 degrees.
*credit to my friend Neriah.
An Asian guy, Hispanic guy, white guy, black guy and their pilot are on a plane...
Suddenly the plane loses control and the pilot says, "If three people jump off, the rest can survive.
The Asian guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The Hispanic guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The black guy goes "This is for my people", and kicks the white guy off the plane.
What animal can only survive in temperate climates?
A lukeworm.
Why is pulling out 100% effective for superman?
They never survive the 1000ft fall to earth.
(Thanks Drawn Together)
Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?
because it couldn't survive in the Battlefield.
A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island
A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".
Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.
as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin
The Purge...
My brother said he would be able to survive "The Purge" if it were real. I put a few laxatives in his coffee we'll see about that...
A man goes to a doctor...
And the doc says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."
The man says, "OK, give me the worst news first."
The doc says, "You have stage 4 cancer throughout your brain and mouth and you aren't likely to survive more than 4 months."
The man says, "Well that's really bad, what's the other news?"
The doc says, "You have alzheimers too."
The man sits and thinks a bit and finally says, "Well, that's not so bad at least I don't have cancer."
A man in need of a brain
A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.
The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar
The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar
The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar
The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive
The doctor replies: because it's never used
Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island.
1) Check spelling.
2) If correct, enjoy.
They just tested the New Years confetti in New York to see if it would survive in the weather
It passed with flying colours
How did the sailor stranded on an island with a calendar survive a year?
Eating the dates and Sundays.
What two things will survive a nuclear holocaust?
Cockroaches and Kieth Richards
Why are leaves bad material for parachutes?
because they don't survive the fall (autumn)
Letting go of a loved one is hard...
But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
I bought a gun and a box of bullets just in case civilization collapses. I may not survive the apocalypse...
But I'll be d**... if my ex is going to.
When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive.
I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.
My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling...
But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.
I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale.
Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.
So a man and a woman are having a fight
A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free" the Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.
How long could a Kardashian survive in the wild?
Forever. Plastic is not biodegradable.
Sometimes whenever I watch an underwater scene in a movie I try to hold my breath as long as the characters do to see if I'd survive in that situation.
I almost died watching Finding Nemo.
Jaime Lannister must have been a Targaryen...
...to survive that burn from Olenna
Been married for 20 years
Been married for 20 years, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.
I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.
I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo
One nematode asked another-
"Can I come over to your place if humans set off a nuclear holocaust? And how will we survive?"
The other one replies "If you encyst."
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
I've been married for 20 years,
and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.
It's really easy to survive a zombie apocalypse
It's a no-brainer
Why did Obi-Wan survive the tsunami?
Because he had the high ground.
Communism is amazing
if you survive the five shots to your back while you're escaping it.
What's the difference between litter and garbage?
Depends on whether the puppies survive or not.
How did Han Solo survive outdoors on Hoth at night?
By keeping Luke warm.
Someone told me that I can't survive falling off a 1,000 feet building.
Not with that altitude.
How did the beggar survive the gallows?
Poor execution.
My girlfriend is how I get through tough times.
Been dating her for 5 years and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath I can survive anything
How did the train employee survive electrocution?
He was a good conductor.
I came with this one up myself and I'm looking for feedback.
A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.
One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"
Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall
A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...
He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.
Why can't you buy two iPhone X's?
You can't survive with no kidneys...
As a child, I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive.
I was lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
I managed to survive a 1v5
The guy had no chance with the 5 of us
eat dirt...
When I was a girl I had a disease that required me to eat dirt four times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it.
I just saw a man survive getting hit by a plane wing
Massive props to him.
Scientists recently found a type of gut bacteria that can survive in deep space...
They're now going to use them in a mission to colonize Mars.
3 Germans walk into a BAR in 1943
None of them survive.
I've always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation
Finding Nemo was a tough one
After everything she's been through and survived, one word comes to mind when I think of Demi Lovato.
Heroine.
Imagine you are on a sinking boat, surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
Stop imaging.
So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?
Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.
Doctor told his patient he has 2 months to live.
So he killed his doctor and the judge gave him 20 years.
Can't survive in Lagos if you're not smart.
I survived a zombie apocalypse by wearing a MAGA hat
The zombies thought I had no brain to eat
Makes sense Jeff Bezos' marriage didnt last
Not even a holy union can survive Amazon
Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...
...or she may not.
Thank you.
Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity
Like Stephen Hawking
