Survive Jokes

Following is our collection of cope humor and live one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Survive puns for adults, dirty dehydration jokes or clean starvation gags for kids.

There is an abundance of lifeboat jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 90 funniest jokes on survive. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fend witze you can hear about survive.

The Best jokes about Survive

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

Thank you banks

Thank you banks for the student loans, car loans and mortgages, which helped me survive my life.

I don't know if I can ever repay you.

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.


Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive?

American comedy films.

Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids...

... no one could survive that many dad jokes!

Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants?

That is something i never herbivore!

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.


So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

What does a diabetic neckbeard need to survive?

Incelin

Letting go of a loved one is hard...

But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".

A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.

Still the best blonde joke to date..

A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

Always remeber the Alamo

An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."


Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire.

A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire. The billionaire asks them to participate in a year-long experiment wherein they will be taken to a deserted island to survive.

He assigns them each tasks according to their heritage:

The Spaniard will be in charge of food.
The American will be in charge of shelter.
And the Japanese man will be in charge of supplies.

A year passes on the island and the billionaire returns to find only the Spaniard and American left.

"What happened?! Where is the Japanese man?" he asks.

"We're not sure! As soon as we got here he took off into the forest and we haven't seen him since."

Worried for the Japanese man, they decide to search the island.

After a few minutes of walking, all of the sudden, the Japanese man leaps out from the bushes and yells, "**SUPPLIES!**"

4 football fans were in a plane crash

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.

The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.

The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.

The third guy starts to cry.

Whats wrong? Asks the other 2.

I like Arsenal..

A man goes to a doctor...

And the doc says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."

The man says, "OK, give me the worst news first."

The doc says, "You have stage 4 cancer throughout your brain and mouth and you aren't likely to survive more than 4 months."

The man says, "Well that's really bad, what's the other news?"

The doc says, "You have alzheimers too."

The man sits and thinks a bit and finally says, "Well, that's not so bad at least I don't have cancer."

A small business fell on hard times

and the owner knew that the only way for his company to survive, he would have to let one of his employees go.

He struggled with the decision for weeks. Jack was always willing to put in the extra hours to get the job done right and Jill was talented and intelligent, just the kinds of people that any small business needs.

He confided in Jill, hoping that maybe she would know how to fix the company without any firings. He said, "Hey Jill, listen. I either need to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replied, "I'm really tired. Could you just jack off?"

How long could a Kardashian survive in the wild?

Forever. Plastic is not biodegradable.

The Purge...

My brother said he would be able to survive "The Purge" if it were real. I put a few laxatives in his coffee we'll see about that...

Old Soviet man goes for Rations...

An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.

"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is bullshit!"

The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."

The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"

He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."

A smoker, an alcoholic, and a rapist are offered 1,000,000$ if they can change their lives...

...so they're put in one room filled with the best and most expensive alcohol and the best and most expensive brands of cigarettes, and they have to survive there for a week.
On the second day the alcoholic couldn't take it over there and drank all the alcohol.
The smoker couldn't take it either and decided to light one up, but as he tries to light he drops his lighter and just as he starts to bend over to get it the rapist says: "Pick up the lighter and we both burn out"

Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island.

1) Check spelling.
2) If correct, enjoy.

People on a plane

Bill Gates, Tony Blair, an old man and a schoolchild are on a plane, when the pilot bursts out of the cabin

"The plane is about to crash, and there are only four parachutes. And one of them is mine!"
The pilot jumps out of the plane with the parachute

Tony Blair stands up, grabs a parachute and says
"I was Prime Minister of the UK, I deserve to live!"
He jumps out of the plane

Bill Gates stands up and says
"I am the smartest man alive, I should survive"
He grabs a parachute and jumps out

The old man turns to the child and says
"There is only one parachute left, I am old and have lived my life, you take it"

The child replies
"No need, Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack"

Apparently you can survive just by eating plants.

That's something I haven't herbivore.

An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….

A man in need of a brain

A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.

The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar

The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar

The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar

The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive

The doctor replies: because it's never used

An American, Russian, and Asian are stranded on a desert island…

… They decide in order to survive they will have to work together and plan on splitting up the day's work.

The Russian was tasked with building a hut, the American was to search for food, while the Asian was to search for supplies.

Each sets off in their separate directions.

The Russian builds an excellent hut, complete with a floor and a waterproof roof. It was sturdy and comfortable.

The American soon returns with enough food for a feast. He has handfuls of fruit, fish, shrimp, coconuts, and all enough to last for weeks.

After complimenting each others work they notice that the Asian is no where to be seen with the supplies. As the night grew on they decided it would be best to search for the man in case he had gotten into some danger.

They searched for hours through the jungle until they came to a large clearing. In the middle was a giant rock, they wonder if he had gone to collect supplies by the rock and approach it cautiously.

Once at the rock the Asian quickly jumps out, raises his hands in the air, and yells, Supplies !

A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." And again they survive the battle. A year later the ship mate comes to the captain once more and says "SIR! THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" and the captain calmly says "Bring me my brown pants...

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive.

I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.

I've been married for 20 years,

and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...

If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.

How did Bilbo survive the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy?

Because old Hobbits die hard...

4 men entered a plane...

...an Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and a Texan and were flying across the country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Been married for 20 years

Been married for 20 years, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.

Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland

The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

An American, Russian, and Asian are stranded on a desert island...

... They decide in order to survive they will have to work together and plan on splitting up the day's work.

The Russian was tasked with building a hut, the American was to search for food, while the Asian was to search for supplies.

Each sets off in their separate directions.

The Russian builds an excellent hut, complete with a floor and a waterproof roof. It was sturdy and comfortable.

The American soon returns with enough food for a feast. He has handfuls of fruit, fish, shrimp, coconuts, and all enough to last for weeks.

After complimenting each others work they notice that the Asian is no where to be seen with the supplies. As the night grew on they decided it would be best to search for the man in case he had gotten into some danger.

They searched for hours through the jungle until they came to a large clearing. In the middle was a giant rock, they wonder if he had gone to collect supplies by the rock and approach it cautiously.

Once at the rock the Asian quickly jumps out, raises his hands in the air, and yells, "Supplies"!

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)

So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island.

After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them.

With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their lack of options, they decide to enter into a mΓ©nage Γ  trois -- the deal being that the woman will spend one week with one of the men, and then switch.

This goes on for a couple of years, and no one comes to the rescue. They live and prosper on the island until one day, the woman suddenly dies.

Her two lovers, obviously upset at her death, continue to live on the island, still hoping for escape, but with their hope at lengths' end.

The first week after her passing is terrible.

The second week is excruciating.

The third week, one of them breaks down in tears and refuses to speak to the other -- since it's so abysmal.

The fourth week, they have no choice but to bury her.



(Sorry in advance if this is a bit grisly)

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched the dog, the Queen herself often feeding the blind, half-starved animal with an eye dropper.

One morning, after worrying all night, the King and Queen shed tears of joy when the little animal struggled out of his bed and took his first steps.

The next day's headline:

"Royal Weiner Stands Up for First Time; King and Queen Jubilant but Tired"

A priest, a thief, and a soldier.
(Long)

A thief, a priest, and a soldier were all in a plane that's about to crash. They each decide to drop something so they can look for it just in case they survive. The priest drops a bible, the thief drops a knife, and the soldier drops a grenade.

The plane crashes, and, miraculously, they survive. They go their separate ways and begin to search for their items.

The priest is walking around and see's a little girl crying. He says "Little lady, why are you crying?" and she looks at him and says "The holy book came down and killed my Doggy!" and then she ran away.

The thief is trudging about and also see's a little girl crying. He looks at her and says "Little girl, why are you crying?"
And the little girl screams, "A knife came from the sky and killed my mommy!" and then she ran away.

Now the soldier is looking for his grenade and sees a little boy laughing. The soldier says, "Little boy, why are you laughing?" and the boy says "My daddy farted and the building blew up!"

eat dirt...

When I was a girl I had a disease that required me to eat dirt four times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it.

Lone Survivor

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone,with a huge pile of bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this, I had to survive." The rescue leader says "But, Christ, man ... your plane went down two days ago!"

I've always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation

Finding Nemo was a tough one

Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."

The second footballer nods in agreement, "I'm from Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."

The third footballer frowns. "Well lads," he sighs, "I play for Arsenal... but I'm not hungry."

A blonde, a Brunette and a Red Head were stranded on an island....

The island was 50 miles from the mainland and the girls all thought they might be able to swim back, so they all jumped into the ocean.
After about 10 miles, the Brunette said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.

After about 25 miles, the Red Head said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.

The blonde kept going, determined to survive. She made it 49 miles. She could see the shore and people on the beach, but was extremely exhausted.

Then she said, "I'm not gonna make it!" So she swam all the way back.

A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing...

So they bury her.

An Asian guy, Hispanic guy, white guy, black guy and their pilot are on a plane...

Suddenly the plane loses control and the pilot says, "If three people jump off, the rest can survive.
The Asian guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The Hispanic guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The black guy goes "This is for my people", and kicks the white guy off the plane.

How did the beggar survive the gallows?

Poor execution.

Four men are stuck on a desert island...

Four men are stuck on a desert island, but one of the men suddenly drops dead.

The remaining three men decides the best way to survive is that they eat his dead body, and that they should decide who gets what by which football team they support.

The 1st guy says: "I support Liverpool, so I should get the liver"

The 2nd dude says; "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest"

The 3rd male human says: "I support Arsenal, and I think I've lost my appetite..."



Old but gold ;)

If you survive colon cancer

Are you only left with a semi colon?

Why did all the blacks survive the holocaust?

Because they had to go to the back of the line

Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.

as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

Vampire Bats

A group of bats were sitting in a cave, completely fatigued as they haven't been able to find any blood this week. One of the bats grows sick of having to survive on fruit and nuts, so he leaves the group and ventures into the city to find some blood.

About an hour later, he returns, his face absolutely covered in blood. The rest of the group gather around him excitedly: "How did you find so much blood?" They ask.

He replies "Well, you see that village over there?"

"Yeah, we see it!"

"And you see that church on the hill nearby?"

"Yeah, yeah?" They reply, excitedly.

"And you see the huge steeple it has?"

"Yes, we see it!", they answer impatiently.

"I didn't."

Some football fans are stranded in the woods

There are 3 of them.
One liverpool fan, one hartlepool fan and an arsenal fan.
They decide that they are going to need some food if they are to survive.
They set a trap and manage to capture a bear.
"We can't eat bear meat!" the arsenal fan shouts, "we're going to die if we don't" the liverpool fan replies, the hartlepool fan agrees with the liverpool fan.
They then decide how they are going to split the bear.
"I'll have the liver since I'm from liverpool" says the liverpool fan,
"I'll have the heart since I'm from hartlepool" says the hartlepool fan, and the arsenal fans shrieks "I'm not hungry".

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escape to the roof a burning building..

The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the side walk and dies. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead."Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead."No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!""OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!""No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde."No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket more." The blonde replies "I cant trust you, so I will make this nice and easy.. just put the blanket on the ground and slowly walk away...."

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

How did possums learn to play dead?

When scientists learned that possums can survive up to 80 rattlesnake bites

What animal can only survive in temperate climates?

A lukeworm.

A man went hunting in Alaska.

A man was hunting in Alaska when he found himself confronted by a small, agitated bear. In order to survive, he shot it. Feeling hungry, he decided to utilize it and cook dinner in the woods.

It was tasty, even though it was a little grizzly.

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear war. But hit them with a newspaper and they die.

See how dangerous the media is?

My dads' version of the USSR joke

So the US trains a spy to go to the USSR and they do the full package: songs, how to drink like a russian, everything. So the deadline drops they send a spy fully clothed to survive the weather to Siberia. When the spy reaches the nearest town he goes to a bar to drink with the russians, he knows everything: songs, names of the drinks, by the end of the night he is a friend to everyone in the bar. When the first russian leaves saying "Ну ΠΏΠΎΠΊΠ° АмСриканси (Goodbye, american)". He asks another russian how did he know that he is an american the russian answers: "But Oleg, you're black"

George Bush, pope, and little school boy

Are on a plane travelling at heights. Suddenly the captain announces

"Too much weight, we need to lose some"

Unfortunately there is only one parachute.

Then Bush announces

"I am the most brilliant man in the United States, I must survive."

Therefore he crabs a chute and jumps

But that is not enough, soon the captain announces again

"Too much weight"

The pope turns to the school boy and says

"You stay here, I am willing to sacrifice myself, after all, I have pretty good connections to heaven"

The school boy answers

"It's okay, you can take the chute. The most brilliant man of the United States took my school bag"

Sometimes whenever I watch an underwater scene in a movie I try to hold my breath as long as the characters do to see if I'd survive in that situation.

I almost died watching Finding Nemo.

Someone told me that I can't survive falling off a 1,000 feet building.

Not with that altitude.

The stranded Chinese, American and Dutch

So a Chinese, an American and a Dutch are stranded on an island. The American takes responsibility and says: "We need things to survive so I would say that go fish, you Chinese guy get some suplies and the Dutch should get firewood for the night."

Like the American said, it happend. In the evening the American is waiting with the Dutch at the fire and after some time the Dutch askes the American: "Nou seg, where is the Chinese?" He wasn't done yet when the Chinese jumps out a bush screaming:

"SUPLISE!!!"

I accidentally jumped out of a plane without a parachute

But dont worry i got the rest of my life to figure out how to survive it

I just saw a man survive getting hit by a plane wing

Massive props to him.

A Real Woman

A flight going from Canada to Germany, suddenly had it's engine fail.The Pilot, realizing they wouldn't be able to survive the impact, told everyone to brace themselves for the upcoming crash.

A woman stood up, and said "I'm not gonna die like this, afraid and crouching. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?"

There was a long silence, then a man stood up, unbuttoned his shirt, then unbuckled his belt. He quickly pulled off his pants and shirt, threw it towards her, and said "Here, Iron this".

Doctor told his patient he has 2 months to live.

So he killed his doctor and the judge gave him 20 years.

Can't survive in Lagos if you're not smart.

Island Joke

A white guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are stranded on an island. The white guy says, "okay, we need to get to work if we're going to survive. I'll hunt for food. Mexican guy, you go build us shelter. Chinese guy, you go get us some supplies. We'll meet back here at sunset."

The white guy is roasting a pig over the fire, while the Mexican guy is putting the finishing touches on the shelter. As the sun sinks into the horizon, the Mexican guy finally asks: "so... where's the Chinese guy?" Then, out of nowhere, the Chinese man jumps out of the bushes yelling, "SUPPLIES!!"

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

because it couldn't survive in the Battlefield.

So a man and a woman are having a fight

A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free" the Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde...

...go on a survivalist show where they are to survive for as long as possible in the desert. Each can bring one item, but they need to justify to the producers how it will assist their survival. The brunette shows up with a canteen, explaining to the producers that a method of carrying water is critical. The ginger shows up with an umbrella, explaining that it's imperative that the sun be kept off the skin. When the blonde shows up, she's carrying a car door. When the producers ask why, she tells them that if it gets too hot, she wants to be able to open the window.

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and believes he can hook it up to somehow keep his phone charged as he travels the desert.

The second man decides he wants the water pump because he can drink from it when he gets thirsty.

The third man, who was a little slow, wanted to take a car door with him. His reasoning was, if it ever gets to hot, I can just roll the window down

I think we need to stop listening to scientists. They've been wrong about a fundamental topic...

...that you need a brain to survive. Look at Trump, he's living proof that you don't.

A blond, a brunette and a redhead survive a plane crash in the desert

they are sure to die, but suddenly the redhead stumbles on a piece of metal. it looked like a lamp, so she rub it and magically a genie appears.
'' I will give you each one wish", says the genie. The redhead wishes to return to her family, and her wish gets granted. the brunette wishes to to live in a big palace with her family, her wish gets granted.Then, the blonde says:" I will be so bored here by myself, I wish the two others come back"

Why did Obi-Wan survive the tsunami?

Because he had the high ground.

It's really easy to survive a zombie apocalypse

It's a no-brainer

I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet

Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.

A man was talking to a vampire at 11 PM

Man: so you disintegrate when you see the sun?

Vampire: yes.

Man: then how do tou survive in the moonlight?

Vampire: what?

Man: the moon is just reflecting off of the sun.

Vampire: ...


And that children, is why vampires don't exist.

A guy calls his girlfriend on the phone..

- Boyfriend: Sweetie, do you know how much I love you?
- Girlfriend: How much baby?
- Boyfriend: I would go thru fire, swim in the ocean full of sharks, climb all the mountains, survive in the desert like Bear Grylls, fight with bears and lions, even fight with Chuck Norris and all of the expendables cast if I have to, just to see your beautiful smile..
- Girlfriend: Aawww, you're so sweet! Why don't you come over?
- Boyfriend: How about tomorrow baby, it's starting to rain..

I managed to survive a 1v5

The guy had no chance with the 5 of us

How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes