survive Jokes

funny survive pick up lines and hilarious survive puns

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D


A man comes home to find his wife's suitcase packed. NSFW

He asks her, "Where are you going?"

She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free."

The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing.

He says, "Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."


A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall


Thank you banks

Thank you banks for the student loans, car loans and mortgages, which helped me survive my life.

I don't know if I can ever repay you.


A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."


Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.


Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016


Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?


If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive?

American comedy films.


Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids...

... no one could survive that many dad jokes!


Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants?

That is something i never herbivore!


Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat.

Then I remember they just feed off attention.


quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.


So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.


I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo


A priest and a lawyer are on a sinking ship

The priest yells, "women and children to the lifeboats first!". Then the lawyer, anxious to survive, says, "Fuck the children!" The priest replies, "do we have enough time?"


A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws off the second man's legs. The second man, pale and weak, says to the first man. "Alright, now let's get your legs off"

The first man runs away and yells "you have to catch me first!"


What does a diabetic neckbeard need to survive?



Letting go of a loved one is hard...

But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.


A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".


A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said, That's my house. They then asked about the second structure. That's where I go to Church. The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, That's where I used to go to Church.


Still the best blonde joke to date..

A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."


Always remeber the Alamo

An Englishman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."


Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."


A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire.

A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire. The billionaire asks them to participate in a year-long experiment wherein they will be taken to a deserted island to survive.

He assigns them each tasks according to their heritage:

The Spaniard will be in charge of food.
The American will be in charge of shelter.
And the Japanese man will be in charge of supplies.

A year passes on the island and the billionaire returns to find only the Spaniard and American left.

"What happened?! Where is the Japanese man?" he asks.

"We're not sure! As soon as we got here he took off into the forest and we haven't seen him since."

Worried for the Japanese man, they decide to search the island.

After a few minutes of walking, all of the sudden, the Japanese man leaps out from the bushes and yells, "**SUPPLIES!**"


4 football fans were in a plane crash

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.

The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.

The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.

The third guy starts to cry.

Whats wrong? Asks the other 2.

I like Arsenal..


A man goes to a doctor...

And the doc says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."

The man says, "OK, give me the worst news first."

The doc says, "You have stage 4 cancer throughout your brain and mouth and you aren't likely to survive more than 4 months."

The man says, "Well that's really bad, what's the other news?"

The doc says, "You have alzheimers too."

The man sits and thinks a bit and finally says, "Well, that's not so bad at least I don't have cancer."


A small business fell on hard times

and the owner knew that the only way for his company to survive, he would have to let one of his employees go.

He struggled with the decision for weeks. Jack was always willing to put in the extra hours to get the job done right and Jill was talented and intelligent, just the kinds of people that any small business needs.

He confided in Jill, hoping that maybe she would know how to fix the company without any firings. He said, "Hey Jill, listen. I either need to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replied, "I'm really tired. Could you just jack off?"


How long could a Kardashian survive in the wild?

Forever. Plastic is not biodegradable.


The Purge...

My brother said he would be able to survive "The Purge" if it were real. I put a few laxatives in his coffee we'll see about that...


But you can.

Not every flower can bloom, but a rose can. Not every plant can survive without rain, but a cactus can. And not every retard can read, but look at you! Go little buddy go!

(sorry if repost, first post on this sub)


Two men and one women survive a plane crash and find an island to live on

There is plenty of food and water, and after a day they are able to build a suitable shelter. The days go by followed by weeks. After a few weeks of their day to day routine, they can no longer hold back their urges.

The can no longer contain these animal urges and begin to fuck. After a few weeks of this routine, the woman is disgusted with herself and commits suicide.

After a few weeks of not fucking, the men are once again overcome by their urges and have sex once again.

After a few weeks of this, one of the guys turns to the other and says "do you think it is time to bury her?"


Old Soviet man goes for Rations...

An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.

"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is bullshit!"

The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."

The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"

He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."


A smoker, an alcoholic, and a rapist are offered 1,000,000$ if they can change their lives... they're put in one room filled with the best and most expensive alcohol and the best and most expensive brands of cigarettes, and they have to survive there for a week.
On the second day the alcoholic couldn't take it over there and drank all the alcohol.
The smoker couldn't take it either and decided to light one up, but as he tries to light he drops his lighter and just as he starts to bend over to get it the rapist says: "Pick up the lighter and we both burn out"


The pope is dying...

of a new and terrible disease. The only cure, according to the Vatican's top physician, is for his holiness to engage in the down and dirty. To survive his ailment, the Pope must have sex. To not do so means certain death. He refuses at first, horrified at the thought. But slowly, the bishops convince him that it could be kept quiet, and no one would ever know. Finally the pope relents, but only under the condition the bishops find a special woman for the job. "She must have these three qualities, or God will never forgive me." "Yes, Holiness. Of course. What is the first quality?" "She must be blind, so that she can't see to whom she is making love." The bishops nod in agreement. "That is most wise, oh Pope. And the second quality?" "She must be a good Catholic woman, without a husband." "But of course! Wise and good is your wish, oh holy one. And the third quality?" "Big titties."


What are the best Survive puns ?

Did you ever wanted to be joking with someone about Survive? Well, here are the best Survive dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Survive pick up lines to share with friends.

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