Survey Jokes
131 survey jokes and hilarious survey puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about survey that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the lighter side of surveys, audits, and other types of research, such as jokes and humorous takes on the process. A recent survey provides insight into how people feel while taking examinations and being part of the research process.
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Funniest Survey Short Jokes
Short survey jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The survey humour may include short poll jokes also.
- Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga … And 100% of men don't care.
- Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced by a musical instrument.
- We conducted an online survey.... ...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.
- A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
- A recent survey asked 12 year olds what they had done over the past week. 83 percent answered... "your mom".
- A survey found that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea That must mean that one dude actually enjoys it.
- A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once and my goldfish died.
- 70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased. Take it with a grain of salt.
- The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply... "Benedict Cumberbatch."
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Survey One Liners
Which survey one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with survey? I can suggest the ones about quiz and vote.
- Surveys have shown that.. 6/7 dwarfs aren't Happy
- 10 out of 10 mathematicians agree that only 1 mathematician was surveyed.
- I recently did a survey on Syria. The results blew me away.
- According to a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.
- The Incomplete Surveys Institute concluded that 78% of every women
- I survey houses for a living although the owners prefer to call it "breaking in".
- So I surveyed some people... 5 out of 4 of them think I'm bad at fractions.
- A recent survey found. 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy
- Which country likes surveys the most? Poll-land
- Take this short survey to find out which Pokemon you are! Congrats @@ you're a Snorlax.
- I had a survey done on my house 8 out of 10 people said they rather liked it.
- I just conducted a survey. I asked 68 men and 2 women what their views were on equality.
- According to a recent survey 5/4 people are bad at fractions
- A Worldwide Survey Was Conducted by the UN...
- What do you call a room full of police officers who just completed a survey? Polled Pork
Recent Survey Jokes
Here is a list of funny recent survey jokes and even better recent survey puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 1,000 Men Were Recently Surveyed About Women 10% of the men surveyed liked women with thin legs.
15% of the men surveyed preferred women with muscular legs.
The rest liked something in-between. - 1000 men were recently surveyed about women.. 10% of men liked women with thin legs.
19% liked muscular legs.
The rest liked something in between. - A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children... ...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.
- According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community. Interestingly most of them were pansexual
- Survey says Accordian to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
- A recent survey asked 12 year old's what was their best accomplishment in 2015. 87 percent of them answered "your mom"
- A recent survey... In a recent survey 53% of pet owners said they would let their pet sleep in their bed - I tried it once but the goldfish died
- A recent survey says women prefer 4-5 inches over 6 inches and bigger, citing a "better fit" being one of the top reasons While preference between Android and iOS devices are evenly split.
- A recent worldwide survey showed... A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 7,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
- A recent study has found that 90% of dead people don't breathe. The other 10% didn't respond to the survey.
Happy Survey Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about survey you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean contest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make survey pranks.
I've been conducting a survey on the general public's thoughts on blenders.
So far it has had mixed reactions.
A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.
I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.
A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital s**......
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of i**..., you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."
In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to m**... regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.
One liner....
A recent survey shows that s**... banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN!
Supposedly this joke was rated the funniest joke in a survey of British people...
Patient: Doctor, last night, I made Freudian slip. I was sitting at the dinner table next to my mother-in-law. I turned to her and I meant to say,"Please pass the salt", but instead I said "You fat cow, you've ruined my life".
A recent survey in the UK asked the following question:
Are there too many foreigners in this country now?
18% answered: **YES**
82% answered **لا، ليس الكثير**
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
My girlfriend was taking a survey online about "Which holiday describes your s**... life?"
She wasn't happy with me when I chimed in, "Day of the Dead."
Shower s**... in Detroit
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had s**... in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, s**... in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.
The King of Slaveria fancied himself quite the Casanova
He was renowned throughout the lands for his voracious s**... appetite, and never travelled anywhere without at least a half a dozen concubines in his royal entourage. It so happened that on a voyage to survey his lands across the sea that his royal ship ran into a hurricane and sank. All were lost save the King and his Royal Jester who managed to make it to a small desert island. Well, it wasn't long before the King was at his wit's end.....
A surveyor went to a gentlemans club
He gathered all the strippers and declared, "I'd like to take a poll."
While filling out a survey, I came across the gender option: Canadian...
I guess you could say I'm Eh-s**....
The Tea Survey
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.
How about you?' the Irishman was asked.
'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'
I surveyed 100 women & asked which shampoo did they use when showering.
99 of them said, 'HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE'.
The United Nations world-wide survey
The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.
The survey went like this:
"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"
The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:
The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.
r**... Gamers
A recent survey conducted asked about a thousand 13-year old gamers what they had done last week.
92% said "your mum"
Survey Says
A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
Survey says
According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same-s**... partners. Said men, What channel is CDC?"
National Survey Reports pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday
To me it's a little bit more than that.
People ranked their favorite meats...but the survey was flawed and inconsequential.
The steaks weren't very high
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer...
I find that l**... her n**... and a light gentle f**... usually does the trick...
During the collapse of the Soviet Union...
... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.
**Survey man**: Where were you born?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
**Survey man**: Where do you live now?
**Woman**: Leningrad
**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
A recent survey showed that most UK citizens don't eat salad...
52% of them voted against romaine
A survey of 10,000 asked if they'd have an affair with former President Clinton...
80% responded "Never again".
"– Hi, We're doing a brief survey. May I ask you some questions?"
*"– Yes."*
"– What's your name?"
*"-Adam."*
"– And your wife's?"
*"– Eve."*
"– Wow, and the snake lives with you too?"
*"– Yes, my mother-in-law lives with us too"*
^I ^translated ^it ^from ^Spanish ^and ^that's ^the ^better ^punchline ^I ^could ^think ^about.
s**... Survey Says
The Kinseys did a survey of s**... practices in a town.
Half the town admitted they m**....
The other half lied.
New research shows there are no Ginger Bankers...
Survey results suggested that although many wanted to work in finance, they wern't able to sell their soul to Satan...
"Excuse me!"
"We're doing a survey here in Germany on what's *typically German* to you."
"Do you even have a permit for that?"
Survey gone wrong.. or right??
On a survey for 'which conditioner you use?' 99% of the womens said 'aaahhhhhh.....get out of my shower!!!!'
A survey was taken about whether there were too many i**... immigrants in the US.
22% said "YES"
17% said "NO"
61% said "NO COMPRENDE"
Got a Google Opinion Rewards survey asking what solar panel companies I have heard of
*Solyndra*
NY Times said Gen Xers spend the most amount of time on the internet.
Data were collected by survey monkey, analyzed by baby boomers and written up by the millennial intern.
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -
"Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !!
Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on s**... attitudes?
She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had s**... i**.... He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.
(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)
Would you like to take a survey?
Would you like to take part in a survey regarding your opinion on climate change?
✓ Yes □ No
Are you a scientist?
□ Yes ✓ No
End of survey.
A recent survey reported 3 out of 4 men don't know how to turn on the dishwasher.
I find that lightly f**... her usually does the trick.
A recent survey has revealed that the favorite s**... position is "d**..."...
With married couples in mind, that's where the husband has to sit up and beg, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ
The other two are Russian Hackers.
Survey found that 1 in 3 Democrats are of below average IQ
The other two are dead or imaginary.
Man answers the phone: "Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?
"Adam"
And your wife's?
"Eve"
Ha! That's funny..does the snake lives there too?
"Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please..."
Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state.
Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes.
After a thorough research and survey scientists claim that the thicker your thighs,
The more snacks you can lay on your lap.
In a survey conducted in a land far far away it was found that....
6 our of 7 Dwarves are not happy
A survey has found
that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.
Men do that too. It's called silent.
UN sent a survey to children from different country: " Regarding the problem of food shortage in other countries, what's your opinion?" Surprisingly no kids understand the question.
American kids: "what's other countries ...?"
European kids: "what's shortage ...?"
Africa kids: "what's food ...?"
Chinese kids: "what's my opinion ...?"
A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....
Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..
Movies
My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us. "I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much s**... in movies?"
"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."
A new survey claims that 74% of Louisiana households are now considered overweight
The rest just don't see it as a problem.
I took part in a survey about sport...
The surveyor asked, "Which race is your favourite?"
Apparently a**...' wasn't the correct answer.
This guy stopped me in the street.
"Sir," he said, "have you got a few minutes to complete a survey on priorities?"
I said, "Yes," and walked away.
From former prime minister of Italy : Have you heard about the survey? They asked women aged between 20 and 30 whether they'd make love to Berlusconi."
"....33 percent of them said 'yes' and 67 percent said 'again?'
The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A man is taking a survey to find out what people think about the meat shortage.
First he approaches a Russian, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, what do you think about the meat shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" Then he asks an American, who says, "What's a shortage?" Last, he asks an Israeli, who says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...
I guess the fourth is really with them.
Got stopped as I was walking into Boots today by a woman doing a Survey.
She asked me what my favourite Grooming Product was?
Should've seen her face when I said Haribo!
Survey says that 8 out of ten men have tasted their own precum
Admittedly we only surveyed about twenty men at a gay bar but the results don't change!
(Credit to Fitz)
The General Social Survey reports that the average male has s**... 54 times a year.
It's going to be a busy month.
I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they'd mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.
She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.
Well, weaknesses... he said I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality
"And your greatest strength? She asked.
Oh, I'm the Batman
Wash. Biol. Surv.
A biological survey team in Washington state was tracking the migrations of crows. They trapped a number of crows, tagged them with the code WASH. BIOL. SURV. together with a box number, and released them.
Some weeks later they received a letter from an up-country farmer, reading as follows:
"Dear sirs. Yesterday Ah shot wun of yer crows an give it to mah wife to cook. Followin yer instrucshens, she washed it, bioled it an surved it.
"It was the worst thing we ever et."
I was filling in an online survey when it asked me what state I lived in
Apparently "constant despair" isn't an appropriate answer.
Guns aren't lethal!!!
I did a survey of people who got shot and the result was that gunshots have a 100% survival rate
I conducted a COVID-19 survey by checking in on all the tinder matches I accumulated over the years.
Although my sample size may be insufficient, the results of the survey are devastating and tragic.
May they all rest in peace.
