Survey Jokes

Following is our collection of research puns and lamar one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Survey jokes for adults, dirty populous jokes and clean inspection dad gags for kids.

The Best Survey Puns

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

A recent survey asked 12 year olds what they had done over the past week. 83 percent answered...

"your mom".

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.


A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.

The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:

The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

UN Food Survey Fails...

UN Phone Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

Survey Says

A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Shower Sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.

Survey gone wrong.. or right??

On a survey for 'which conditioner you use?' 99% of the womens said 'aaahhhhhh.....get out of my shower!!!!'

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer...

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick...

I surveyed 100 women & asked which shampoo did they use when showering.

99 of them said, 'HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE'.


Surveys have shown that..

6/7 dwarfs aren't Happy

A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children...

...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.

I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state.

Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes.

Survey says

Accordian to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

This guy stopped me in the street.

"Sir," he said, "have you got a few minutes to complete a survey on priorities?"

I said, "Yes," and walked away.

During the collapse of the Soviet Union...

... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.

**Survey man**: Where were you born?


**Woman**: St. Petersburg


**Survey man**: Where do you live now?


**Woman**: Leningrad


**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?


**Woman**: St. Petersburg

While filling out a survey, I came across the gender option: Canadian...

I guess you could say I'm Eh-Sexual.

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they'd mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

Well, weaknesses... he said I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality

"And your greatest strength? She asked.

Oh, I'm the Batman

Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

A survey has found

that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.


Men do that too. It's called silent.

A recent survey asked 12 year old's what was their best accomplishment in 2015.

87 percent of them answered "your mom"

A recent survey in the UK asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

18% answered: **YES**

82% answered **Ω„Ψ§ΨŒ Ω„ΩŠΨ³ Ψ§Ω„ΩƒΨ«ΩŠΨ±**

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

I was filling in an online survey when it asked me what state I lived in

Apparently "constant despair" isn't an appropriate answer.

A recent survey...

In a recent survey 53% of pet owners said they would let their pet sleep in their bed - I tried it once but the goldfish died

I was reading this survey the other day

And accordion to it, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected

Guns aren't lethal!!!

I did a survey of people who got shot and the result was that gunshots have a 100% survival rate

Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.

Man answers the phone: "Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?

"Adam"

And your wife's?

"Eve"

Ha! That's funny..does the snake lives there too?

"Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please..."

A recent survey reported 3 out of 4 men don't know how to turn on the dishwasher.

I find that lightly fingering her usually does the trick.

A recent worldwide survey showed...

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 7,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

I recently did a survey on Syria.

The results blew me away.

A recent survey says women prefer 4-5 inches over 6 inches and bigger, citing a "better fit" being one of the top reasons

While preference between Android and iOS devices are evenly split.

UN sent a survey to children from different country: " Regarding the problem of food shortage in other countries, what's your opinion?" Surprisingly no kids understand the question.

American kids: "what's other countries ...?"
European kids: "what's shortage ...?"
Africa kids: "what's food ...?"
Chinese kids: "what's my opinion ...?"

Accordion to a recent survey...

Most people don't notice when words are swapped for instruments in sentences.

The Tea Survey

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Irishman was asked.

'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'

Accordion to a recent survey, most people don't notice when a musical instrument is inserted into a sentence.

Supposedly this joke was rated the funniest joke in a survey of British people...

Patient: Doctor, last night, I made Freudian slip. I was sitting at the dinner table next to my mother-in-law. I turned to her and I meant to say,"Please pass the salt", but instead I said "You fat cow, you've ruined my life".

A recent survey has revealed that the favorite sex position is "Doggy Style"...

With married couples in mind, that's where the husband has to sit up and beg, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Movies

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us. "I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"

"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

According to a recent survey,

6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.

Raging Gamers

A recent survey conducted asked about a thousand 13-year old gamers what they had done last week.

92% said "your mum"

I survey houses for a living

although the owners prefer to call it "breaking in".

A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

So I surveyed some people...

5 out of 4 of them think I'm bad at fractions.

A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

A man is taking a survey to find out what people think about the meat shortage.

First he approaches a Russian, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, what do you think about the meat shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" Then he asks an American, who says, "What's a shortage?" Last, he asks an Israeli, who says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

A new survey claims that 74% of Louisiana households are now considered overweight

The rest just don't see it as a problem.

New research shows there are no Ginger Bankers...

Survey results suggested that although many wanted to work in finance, they wern't able to sell their soul to Satan...

Sex Survey Says

The Kinseys did a survey of sexual practices in a town.
Half the town admitted they masturbated.
The other half lied.

"– Hi, We're doing a brief survey. May I ask you some questions?"

*"– Yes."*
"– What's your name?"
*"-Adam."*
"– And your wife's?"
*"– Eve."*
"– Wow, and the snake lives with you too?"
*"– Yes, my mother-in-law lives with us too"*


^I ^translated ^it ^from ^Spanish ^and ^that's ^the ^better ^punchline ^I ^could ^think ^about.

National Survey Reports Pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday

To me it's a little bit more than that.

A recent survey found.

6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team in Washington state was tracking the migrations of crows. They trapped a number of crows, tagged them with the code WASH. BIOL. SURV. together with a box number, and released them.

Some weeks later they received a letter from an up-country farmer, reading as follows:

"Dear sirs. Yesterday Ah shot wun of yer crows an give it to mah wife to cook. Followin yer instrucshens, she washed it, bioled it an surved it.

"It was the worst thing we ever et."

The General Social Survey reports that the average male has sex 54 times a year.

It's going to be a busy month.

From former prime minister of Italy : Have you heard about the survey? They asked women aged between 20 and 30 whether they'd make love to Berlusconi."

"....33 percent of them said 'yes' and 67 percent said 'again?'

A survey was taken about whether there were too many illegal immigrants in the US.

22% said "YES"

17% said "NO"

61% said "NO COMPRENDE"

People ranked their favorite meats...but the survey was flawed and inconsequential.

The steaks weren't very high

A recent study has found that 90% of dead people don't breathe.

The other 10% didn't respond to the survey.

In a survey conducted in a land far far away it was found that....

6 our of 7 Dwarves are not happy

I've been conducting a survey on the general public's thoughts on blenders.

So far it has had mixed reactions.

Just had a strange phone survey

They asked:

* How's the knee feeling?
* Do you prefer shorts or long pants?
* Do you ever get cramps in your calf area?

I interrupted and said, Hey, this is weird. Why are you asking such strange questions?

The surveyor laughed and said, I'm just polling your leg.

There is an abundance of study jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 73 funniest jokes and survey puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any scan witze you can hear about survey.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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