Surprising Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Got Drunk

Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.

I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising

as I have never driven a bus before.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"



The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest

"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.

He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.


"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks

"Not until after the cops get here. "

It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.

The first American product they tested blew everyone away.

Little Johnny lives with his mother on a farm...

One day he comes running in and screams: "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is fucking the cow!"
His Mother slaps him hard and says: "We don't use language like that in this house, the next time it happens, say 'The bull is *surprising* the cow.'" Rubbing his cheek, Little Johnny walks away.

A couple of days go by and Little Johnny runs in again, screaming "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is surprising all the cows!", his Mother turns around and says "That's not possible, he can't be surprising all the cows at once"
Little Johnny says: "Yes he can, because he's fucking the horse!"

My girlfriends parents and I tried surprising her with a car on her 16th birthday

But she got lucky at the last second and jumped out of the way.

Two men are painting a church.

They are painting it blue.

They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.

The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.

They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.

Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

Its not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama

In long races usually the guy from Kenya wins.

Paraprosdokians

*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.

If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

You're never too old to learn ...something stupid.


Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican.

Which is surprising, since I just assumed he was running as a joke.

Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

Dead crows

There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.

This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a vehicle coming, two crows will shout out so the other birds can fly away.

After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.

Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".

Why are antijokes surprising to people?

Because they point out the obvious while the listeners are expecting a joke.

When I was about 5

On holiday with my parents, after a loooong day we finally go for dinner. We all ask for steaks. The waiter asks how we want them. Everyone else says for medium. With a surprising look I confidently ask the waiter for an extra large one! Idiots!!

[meta*] surprising new science shows that the way humans understand jokes can be acurately modelled by fluid dynamics

let that sink in.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..

..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

Surprisingly, Doug Jones isn't the best thing to come out of Alabama

I-65 North has been saving people from Alabama since 1959

Donald Trump told me that I have very nice teeth

which is not surprising, seeing as he only likes things that are straight and white.

A thief broke into my house last night...

A thief broke into my house last night... he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.".

I had to laugh at this one, haven't heard it before and the last bit was quite surprising :)

I used the toilet just after my wife and noticed that her shit really does smell of roses.

Hardly surprising. She's polished off four tins of the fuckers in the last two days

A traveling salesman is driving through the country

when his car breaks down near a farm house. The farmer says he can spend the night but only if he sleeps in the barn.

The next morning the farmer invites the salesman in for breakfast.

Salesman: You have some really amazing animals. The cow could talk. She told me what a good and kind farmer you are.

Farmer: Well that's very surprising, but it's a nice thing to hear.

Salesman: The horse too, why that horse said you always feed him the best oats and brushed him every day. He sure does like you.

Farmer: Well you're going to make me blush.

Salesman: but the real surprise was the sheep

Farmer: **THAT SHEEP IS A GOD DAMN LIAR**!!

Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 5 minutes today..

surprising because the box said 4-6 years.

A UKIP candidate standing in local elections in Bristol has been revealed as a 40-year veteran of the porn industry.

Hardly surprising. The first thing I think when I hear, 'UKIP candidate' is always, 'enormous prick'.

Little Johnny at his finest

Teacher: Ok class, if any student here is a moron, please stand up.

*Silence fills the classroom for a couple of seconds until Little Johnny, sitting all the way at the back of the classroom, stands up*

Teacher: Oh look, Little Johnny stood up! Not surprising, considering you're the dumbest student in the whole class. Tell me, Little Johnny, why did you stand up? You do realize, you're admitting to the whole class that you're a moron? You know that, right?

Little Johnny: I'm not standing up to let everyone know I'm a moron. I'm only doing it to make you feel better, since you're standing alone.

A Recent Study Found That...

...Christian women tend to become atheists after marriage. I don't find that surprising. After marriage, a woman does lose faith in a man's ability to come a second time.

My father had cancer and he had only 3 months to live. By the end, he ended up surprising everyone.

He died in one month.

Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!

A man is having some trouble in bed...

... so he goes to see the doctor about it. The doctor does a full exam and pronounces that the man has premature ejaculation problems. To fix it, the doctor tells him to get something loud and surprising to stop it from happening.

The man goes to the local gun shop and decides that the best course of action will be to get a pistol and some blanks.

The next night, he's in bed with his wife, when they decide to do some oral on each other in the dark. He starts to feel it coming so he grabs for is pistol and just as he is about to climax, he fires it off. The man immediately lost 3 inches and his neighbor walked out of the closet with his hands up.

Surprising the Cow

Little Johnny lives with his mother on a farm, one day he comes running in and screams: "Mommy, Mommy, the Ox is fucking the Cow". His Mother slaps him hard and says: "We don't use language like that in this house, the next time it happens, say 'The Ox is surprising the Cow'". Rubbing his cheek, Little Johnny walks away. A couple days go by and Little Johnny runs in again, screaming "Mommy, Mommy, the Ox is surprising all the Cows!", his Mother turns around and says "That's not possible, he can't be surprising all the cows at once" Little Johnny says: "Yes he can, because he's fucking the horse!"

The most surprising moment in the inauguration

Jimmy Carter is still alive

It's surprising how little people change

Actually the process isn't that different, other than the tiny clothes

Surprisingly, Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs has trouble with women.

They all say he has a Mike Rowe penis.

Surprisingly John Deere wasn't a country music fan...

He preferred Mowtown...

What's the most surprising dog?

A ChiWOWah

I heard that after Hurricane Irma, FEMA will run out of money.

This is surprising since I thought they would have a rainy day fund.

I usually get drunk

Most if not all of these times i have had trouble with the police.So last time I took a bus home








This was surprising to me because I haven't driven a bus before

J.K. Rowling has announced a surprising change to Harry Potter's surname due to all of the jokes going around over and over...

It's Harry Post.

What's the most surprising Elk?

A Cari-BOO!

What are the funniest surprising jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Surprising? Well, here are the best Surprising puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Surprising pick up lines to share with friends.

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