Surprise Visit Jokes

Following is our collection of husband humor and amazement one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Surprise Visit puns for adults, dirty day jokes or clean arrival gags for kids.

There is an abundance of amaze jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 25 funniest jokes on surprise visit. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ecstatic witze you can hear about surprise visit.

The Best jokes about Surprise Visit

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human faeces and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.

Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

A recent college grad visits a farm one day

A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.

"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.

"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."

Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."

" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "

" Second option, you pay $100,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel"

After much debating, the Americans decided to pay the larger fee and repatriate the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose the bigger figure.

" Well, the last time you buried someone he came back after three days so we're not taking any chances !"

A joke we tell tourists in china

Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta.

Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant he had no education and spoke no english.

So the chinese officials prepared the old chinese discoverer with a few basic english phrases such as:

"hi, how are you"

"Fine, you?"

"Me too"

The day finally came and, naturally, the old chinese discoverer was nervous to be meeting Clinton. None the less he went through the english he was taught in his head and wasn't going to lose face.

Smiling, Clinton approached the old chinese discoverer and said, "Hello"

The chinese discoverer paused briefly to recall, but out of nervousness mispronounced; "Hi, who are you?"

"I am the President of the United States and the husband of this lovely lady," a surprised Clinton said while pointing at his wife.

"Me too," he replied


There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Christian Aliens

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: **"Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"**. **"You mean J.C?"**, responds the alien **"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok"**. Surprised, the pope follows up with **"He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"**. The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize **"maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"**. The pope retorts **"Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"**. The alien says **"Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"**

A priest is on a bus (kinda long)...

...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...

-------–-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nurse told Ole to strip to the waist. So he took off his pants.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.

Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."

However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became aroused when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.

"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."

"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."

"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."

"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.

"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"

"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sure"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."

A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"


A feminist visited a Muslim country and was unhappy with the treatment of women there...

All of the Muslim men made their wives walk at least five feet behind them. The visiting feminist was outraged, "How could you be so sexist? This is an outrage!"


She left the country, only to return years later. Much to her surprise, all of the women were walking five feet *ahead* of their husbands. The feminist couldn't believe it. "What changed? Why are you so progressive now?" One of the men overheard and said with a smile... "land mines."

A married man goes to a motel with his lover

And all of a sudden finds his father-in-law's car in the parking lot. In an attempt to prank him, he keys the car all around. After that, he goes with his lover and stays a few hours at the motel. Later, he payes a visit to his father-in-law as a surprise, and finds him very upset.

-What's wrong?- the man asks, forcing himself not to laugh.

-Awful stuff-he replies- My daughter borrowed my car to go to church, and all of a sudden returned it keyed all around!

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada.

He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones.


He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.

One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap!

The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.

He interrupts them to say, Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best.
The man with the sledge stops and says, Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold.
Well, I'll be! cried the archaeologist. And what's that fellow up to? pointing to the man on his knees.
Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see...
And here the man paused...
So you see...my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist.
The gradist...of fall time.

His Limo Driver

The pope is visiting the US, at the airport a huge black limo is waiting and the driver opens the door for him. The pope can't take an eye from the car and asks if - for this special occasion and only for a few miles - he could be the driver. Surprised by this unusual request the driver, after some discussion about driving carefully, finally agrees. So the pope enjoys driving down the highway and soon he forgets about speed limits and he is driving as fast as he can. A nearby police car notices the speeding limo and finally the pope gets pulled over. The officer, after taking a quick look at the driver, rushes to call his boss. "Sir, I have a difficult situation here, I have a speeding limo but I think we might have caught someone high up and don't know what to do." "So, who is it? The governor?" "No Sir, higher up" "Someone from the white house?" "I think much higher, Sir!" "Who can possibly be higher up than the president?" "I don't know Sir, but, you see, the pope is his driver!"

The Priest and the Tiger

A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.

To his surprise the tiger prays too.

'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'

'Shut up you idiot, I'm just saying grace!' Replies the tiger.

Midget priest

The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.

He walks in to see a midget priest.

Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"

The midget says "actually we prefer little people"

Bishop replies "Who doesn't"

No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...

The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn't want to do it either.

When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
Wow! he exclaimed, I didn't know dogs could do chores!

I don't want to, but the family made me do it.

The friend was even more surprised, I didn't know dogs could talk!

Shhh , said the dog, don't let them know, or they will ask me to answer the phone.

Potato Family Circus

Mama Potato and Papa Potato had a precious little baby Sweet Potato. Life was wonderful. The little Sweet Potato grew up and eventually went away to college, making her parents very, very proud.

One day the little Sweet Potato returned home for a surprise visit. "Mom, Dad," she proudly exclaimed, "I have some very exciting news for you! I want you to meet the man I am going to marry!!!" Her parents were brimming with joy. Their little Sweet Potato goes outside to fetch her new mate and comes in and says, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Walter Cronkite!"

"Walter Cronkite!?" her parents exclaimed in utter disbelief. "You can't marry him, he's a commentator!!"


Wife at work calls her husband

W: Where are you?
H: At home with the kids, darling.
W: Run the mixer for me.
H: Why, OK... Ghhhhiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr
W: KThxbai

Again next day
W: Where are you?
H: At home baby.
W: Sound the mixer.
H: Huh, Ggghhhiiiierrrrrrrr

This time the wife gives a surprise visit home only to find the kids alone.
Wife: Where's daddy?
Kid: I don't know, but he took the mixer-grinder with him.

I visited the catacombs and was surprised when it was damp enough for moss to grow

I thought it would be *bone dry*

The magic river

There was a family (the father, mother and a son) of black people who wanted to be white.

Not wanting to end up like Michael Jackson, they wanted a non-surgically way of going from black to white so they paid a visit to their village's wizard, who said:

" There's a river 2 miles north of here. If you can swim across it you will become white"

When they got to the river, they found that it was full of crocodiles swimming in it. And yet they gave it a shot.

The father went in and surprisingly made it across the river without a scratch. Like the wizard said, he became white

Seeing that it was actually true, the mother dived and made it to the other margin with some flesh wounds, but she turned white like the magician said.

Finally the son dived. He tried his best, but the crocodile caught up to him and he died in the river.

Upon seeing this, the father says
"Don't be sad, he was black!"

What We Learn From the Movies:

It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.


His mother had Puritan principals.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
"Mom, can I escort Helen?"
The girl, waiting to hear a cold hearted "no", she surprised hears: "Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!"

A race of aliens visits earth one day;

they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean J.C?", responds the alien.
"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes