Surprise Visit Jokes

A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be £7.00' says the barman

The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub' the gorilla replies ' I'm not surprised at these prices'

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and r**..., she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

A recent college grad visits a farm one day

A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.
"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.
"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."

An absent student

A Student, every time he is absent from school, he tells his teachers that his father is in the hospital, then when this happened way too many times, one of his teachers goes to visit his father
He was surprised to find
his father is in fact a doctor

Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and p**..., two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getting rid of them. She said, "See those wires along the ledge? They are carrying 1000 volts. We thought that would get rid of them, but it didn't phase them a bit." I told her "I'm not surprised. That's AC current, and these are DC pigeons."

A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..

..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.
The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about a little sixty nine?"
She flies into a rage, "You go out drinking with your friend, you knew how busy the restaurant was, you leave me to do all the hard work, and now you expect me to get up and make you Mongolian Lamb with Snow Peas!?"

The Priest and the Tiger

A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.
To his surprise the tiger prays too.
'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'
'Shut up you idiot, I'm just saying grace!' Replies the tiger.

Midget priest

The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.
He walks in to see a midget priest.
Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"
The midget says "actually we prefer little people"
Bishop replies "Who doesn't"

Wife at work calls her husband

W: Where are you?
H: At home with the kids, darling.
W: Run the mixer for me.
H: Why, OK... Ghhhhiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr
W: KThxbai
Again next day
W: Where are you?
H: At home baby.
W: Sound the mixer.
H: Huh, Ggghhhiiiierrrrrrrr
This time the wife gives a surprise visit home only to find the kids alone.
Wife: Where's daddy?
Kid: I don't know, but he took the mixer-grinder with him.

A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principals.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
"Mom, can I e**... Helen?"
The girl, waiting to hear a cold hearted "no", she surprised hears: "Sure... You can! e**... her... to the corner with your eyes!"

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada.

He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...
It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.
The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.
His feet feel refreshed!
The street has gorgeous s**... and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones.
He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.
One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap!
The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.
He interrupts them to say, Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best.
The man with the sledge stops and says, Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold.
Well, I'll be! cried the archaeologist. And what's that fellow up to? pointing to the man on his knees.
Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see...
And here the man paused...
So you see...my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist.
The gradist...of fall time.

Good news from the Doctor

Older man was not feeling well and made a visit to his doctor.
The doctor ran a lot of tests and when the results came in the man was called back for another visit.
When the man sat down in the doctors office the doctor told him he only had 6 months to live.
The man broke down crying at this news to which the doctor did try to console him a bit. When the man gain a bit of control again he thought of all the tests that had been down and told the doctor he did not know if he could afford to pay his bill.
The doctor, now a little surprised at the mans statement, then says "ok, I will give you another 6 months"

A doctor visited a mental patient in his room...

He found the patient in his bed lying on his side. He came closer and heard the patient singing a song.
Doctor: Wow, it looks like you're getting better.
Patient: *continues to sing*
The doctor was very pleased. He continued to watch and listen to the patient. All of a sudden, the patient stopped singing and flipped to his other side. The doctor was surprised, so he asked the patient.
Doctor: Hey, why did you stop singing? And don't turn your back on me. I'm still talking to you!
Patient: Doctor, I'm a cassette tape. Side A is done, so I turned to Side B.
And the patient started singing again...

A married man goes to a motel with his lover

And all of a sudden finds his father-in-law's car in the parking lot. In an attempt to prank him, he keys the car all around. After that, he goes with his lover and stays a few hours at the motel. Later, he payes a visit to his father-in-law as a surprise, and finds him very upset.
-What's wrong?- the man asks, forcing himself not to laugh.
-Awful stuff-he replies- My daughter borrowed my car to go to church, and all of a sudden returned it keyed all around!

No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...

The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn't want to do it either.
When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
Wow! he exclaimed, I didn't know dogs could do chores!
I don't want to, but the family made me do it.
The friend was even more surprised, I didn't know dogs could talk!
Shhh , said the dog, don't let them know, or they will ask me to answer the phone.

A feminist visited a Muslim country and was unhappy with the treatment of women there...

All of the Muslim men made their wives walk at least five feet behind them. The visiting feminist was outraged, "How could you be so sexist? This is an outrage!"
She left the country, only to return years later. Much to her surprise, all of the women were walking five feet *ahead* of their husbands. The feminist couldn't believe it. "What changed? Why are you so progressive now?" One of the men overheard and said with a smile... "land mines."