Surprise Love Jokes
66 surprise love jokes and hilarious surprise love puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about surprise love that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Surprise Love Short Jokes
Short surprise love jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The surprise love humour may include short surprise party jokes also.
- I was surprised that my Christian clothing company is extremely popular with transvestites. As it turns out, they love Cross Dressing.
- I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"
- Buddhist monks love posting ancient frog memes for you normies You can get a surprising amount of karma for Reeeee posting
- MLK day I'm kinda surprised it's a national holiday. I mean, I love milk as much as the next guy, but jeez.
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Surprise Love One Liners
Which surprise love one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with surprise love? I can suggest the ones about surprise visit and sweet love.
- I love being a pessimist. I'm either always right or pleasantly surprised.
- What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
Surprise Love Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about surprise love you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guess what love jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make surprise love pranks.
A hippie in a bus sees a very beautiful lady and he goes to the lady and asks " can I do my way with you? " and the lady replies by saying "sorry i cant so that i am a nun my body and soul belongs to the lord" the hippie then walks away and exits the bus cause they have arrived and his bus stop but gets stopped by the bus driver " you know that nun always goes to the cemetery and prays so you should go there dressed up like jesus and ask her to do your way with her" says the bus driver the hippie says okay and waits till midnight and goes to the cemetery and sees the nun praying then he put his jesus outfit and asks the nun to do her way with her and he shall forgiver her sins and she says yes but do it from behind so i will not lose my virginity and they start to make love and when they were done the hippie rips his outfit of and says surprise its me the hippie! and then the nun rips her dress of and screams surprise its me the bus~driver!
A hippie in a bus sees a very beautiful lady and he goes to the lady and asks " can I do my way with you? " and the lady replies by saying "sorry i cant so that i am a nun my body and soul belongs to the lord" the hippie then walks away and exits the bus cause they have arrived and his bus stop but gets stopped by the bus driver " you know that nun always goes to the cemetery and prays so you should go there dressed up like jesus and ask her to do your way with her" says the bus driver the hippie says okay and waits till midnight and goes to the cemetery and sees the nun praying then he put his jesus outfit and asks the nun to do her way with her and he shall forgiver her sins and she says yes but do it from behind so i will not lose my virginity and they start to make love and when they were done the hippie rips his outfit of and says surprise its me the hippie! and then the nun rips her dress of and screams surprise its me the bus~driver!
A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.
"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.
"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."
The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends.
He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"
There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left.
The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.
The first man said:
"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."
That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"
That is to horrific.
He asked the third man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine that I was n**... in a refrigerator..."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”
A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce.
The priest was surprised.
"Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about."
The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned."
"Ah"” said the priest, "a parable."
"In a way, Father," replied the man. "I’m the only one who knows it pinches."
Sensitive men do exist
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot s**... love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,
"Well, how was it for you?"
The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...
Vet Friend of mine just sent this:
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase
"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.
"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."
This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.
"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.
"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."
The husband and the horse.
The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet .
Startled, he gets up and asks:
- Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies...
Days later, there he was again seated when he receives a new punch, this time with a pressure cooker.
Even more surprised (and dizzy), he asks: - What happened now, my love? She replies: - Your horse just called ...
Baseball
Two old friends in their 80's John and Frank grew up together and always loved baseball since they were young. They went to the park everyday to feed the bids and talk about baseball.
One day, John turns to Frank and says, "Frank, do you think there is baseball in heaven?"
John think for a second then says, "Well how about this. Whichever one of us dies first will find out if there is
baseball in heaven, then come back as a ghost to tell the other one."
Frank agrees to this and they continue to feed the birds and talk.
Sadly, a few weeks later, Frank dies of a heart attack.
John kept going to the park to feed the birds, only now, he did it alone. After a few days, he hears a voice, "Joooooohn. Jooooooohn."
John is surprised at first, but then says, "Frank? Is that you?"
Frank responds, "Yeeesss. I've come back with good news and bad news."
John asks, "Oh my god Frank! I've missed you so much! What's the good news?"
Frank responds, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven."
John says, "Oh my god, that's amazing! What could possibly be the bad news?"
Frank says, "You're pitching on Friday."
True happiness
Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of v**..., blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."
The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab
Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.
When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"
Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.
That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.
The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.
As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."
Roger and Jenny on their wedding night . . .
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'
A joke we tell tourists in china
Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta.
Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant he had no education and spoke no english.
So the chinese officials prepared the old chinese discoverer with a few basic english phrases such as:
"hi, how are you"
"Fine, you?"
"Me too"
The day finally came and, naturally, the old chinese discoverer was nervous to be meeting Clinton. None the less he went through the english he was taught in his head and wasn't going to lose face.
Smiling, Clinton approached the old chinese discoverer and said, "Hello"
The chinese discoverer paused briefly to recall, but out of nervousness mispronounced; "Hi, who are you?"
"I am the President of the United States and the husband of this lovely lady," a surprised Clinton said while pointing at his wife.
"Me too," he replied
A guy and a girl have been dating for a while...
and she tells him that she's ready to go the next step of their relationship and have s**.... She invites him over for dinner at her parents house and then afterwards to go back to her place to do the deed.
After much consideration he decides that he should buy condoms just to be safe for their night of love making. So he goes to the pharmacy and takes a look. He becomes indecisive about which package of condoms to buy, should he buy the large fifty pack or go with the four pack? He decides to ask the pharmacist and explains the situation to him. After speaking with him for a while he decides to get the large fifty pack.
Later that night, he goes to his girlfriends parents house for dinner, bringing her mother flowers. They all sit around the table, and he to the surprise of his girlfriend offers to say grace. They all bow their heads and five minutes go by, ten minutes go by and he's still saying prayers. The girlfriend leans over to him and says:
"Wow I didn't know you were so religious." He leans back over and responds "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."
(Haven't seen this one on here so I thought I would share)
Marriage business
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first l**... encounter. In his highly a**... state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the decades she had 'charged' him for s**..., these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth millions, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
A guy really loved beans...
...so much that he had to stop eating them because they gave him horrible gas. After a couple of months, he went out to eat and decided to cave in just this one time since he'd been doing so well. He ended up eating 3 bowls of beans before his girlfriend called to make dinner plans. He knew he was going to be gassy, but he figured he could work it out. So that night, he goes over to his girlfriend's house. When he gets there, she tells him that she has a surprise for him but wants to blindfold him. She does, and leads him through the house and to the dining room table. She says she'll be right back, and he hears her leave. After just a few seconds, he gets a familiar rumble in his stomach. The urge to f**... is so great, but knowing his girlfriend is not in the room, he leans all the way to one side and lets it rip. Then the smell. He almost gagged himself, it was horrible. He waved his arms trying to dissipate the smell, and it seemed to go away just before his girlfriend came back in. "Ready?" She asked. He nodded, so she took off the blindfold. She yells, "surprise!" All of the other guests just stood there looking horrified.
Midnight Surprise!
A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's p**..., and give her o**... s**.... Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's p**..., and gave her o**... s**.... She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
A man goes to confession at his church
He kneels before the priest and says, "Father, I'm afraid to confess something."
"Speak, my son," the priest consoles. The man looks nervous, but begins.
"Last night, my wife and I were having dinner together for the first time in a while. At one point, right in the middle of the meal, I looked up and noticed how ravishing she looked in her dress. Our eyes locked and a spark flew between us that hasn't existed in years and I couldn't help myself: I just grabbed her and tore off her clothes and we made love right there on the table."
"There is no sin in being passionate with your wife, my son," the priest says. "You have nothing to confess."
The man looks surprised. "Really? You're not going to kick us out of the church?"
"Heavens, no! Why would I do that?"
"Well they kicked us out of the restaurant."
Some of my favorite SFW jokes
Some of my personal favorite ones:
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
And finally,
A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of p**.... Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."
Who says men don't remember?
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
The little black box
A couple was married for 23 years and were very open and honest with each other. The only exception to this was the woman made her husband promise to never look in her little black box.
One evening he could no longer fend off his curiosity, he opened the box. To his surprise he found 1 quarter and 298 dollars.
Later that night, when his wife arrived at home, he told her, "I'm sorry honey, I couldn't resist, I looked in your little black box. But I don't understand, what is the quarter for?"
She responded hesitantly, "Well.. the quarter represents the number of times that I cheated on you."
After a sudden outburst the man finally calmed himself down, "Well I still love you and want to work this out, one time in 23 years isn't that bad. By the way, what is the $298 dollars all about?"
Casually she said, "Well I kept running out of room to put the quarters"
The Best Toast of the Night
Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer at his regular pub and offered the following toast: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!"
That won him top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and proudly told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
"Aye, did ye now," said Mary. "And what was your toast?"
Thinking quickly, Patrick said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Patrick!" said Mary.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
"Aye, he told me," said Mary, "and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he'd only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A woman heads to the golf course...
A woman and a couple of her friends head out for 9 holes at their local golf course. None of them are particularly good at the game, so after a couple of drinks the woman ends up making a horrible shot and sends the ball shooting wildly across the course.
In her surprise she forgets to yell fore, and a moment later there's a howl from a gentleman on the cart path. His club bag is on the ground and he's got his hands between his legs as he swears loudly. The woman rushes over in a tizzy. "I'm so incredibly sorry! Let me make it up to you. You'll feel much better." "Really ma'am, you don't have to worry-" The man says, but the woman has already stooped to her knees, undone his belt and begun expertly fellating him. After a few minutes she looks up at him. "See? That must feel much better." The man says, "Well that was lovely. But I think my thumb is still broken..."
So a man gets back from a holiday.
and he's showing his family a photo album. He gets to one picture and says, look this is a little monkey called a macaque, and it's diet consists mostly of c**.... His family is somewhat impressed and enjoy the cute picture.
The man then says "Well if you liked that, you'll love these!" turns the page and the family let out cries of disgust and horror. surprised, the man says "What? it's just another picture of a crab eating macaque."
An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names
Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sure"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."
A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"
Little Johnny is at Sunday school
and his teacher asks him "If I went to Church every week, and tried to live my life following the ten commandments, would I get into heaven?"
"No!" answers little Johnny
"If I sold my house, my car, and all of my other possessions, and gave all the money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
Little Johnny replies "No!"
"Ok, well if I spent my whole life being charitable, loving my family, and being kind to everyone I met, would I get into heaven then?"
"No!"
The teacher was somewhat surprised by little Johnny's intelect
"So how do I get into heaven?"
"You have to be dead."
A man went to a doctor
A man went to a doctor and said,"doctor my wife has given birth to 6 kids. Is there any way to stop her from giving birth to more kids?"
The doctor said,"Use a c**... while making love to your wife!"
The man thanked the doctor and left.
He returned after a year and told the doctor,"Doctor I used c**... while making love but my wife gave birth to one more kid"
The doctor said,"Ok dont worry here is a contraceptive. Ask your wife to take it the next day after you make love to her"
The man thanked the doctor and left.
He returned after a year and told the doctor,"doctor my wife took the contraceptive everytime but she still gave birth to another kid"
The doctor surprised at this,"Well all I can suggest is you dont make love to your wife to ensure she doesnt get pregnant and give birth to kids ever again"
The man returned after a year and told the doctor,"Doctor I didnt make love to my wife all year but she still gave birth to another kid!"
Email to Wife
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …
Who says men don't remember?
A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was
packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised
to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she
became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with
that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you
that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember
that jewelry store."
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"
A man is at a hotel with his wife's friend when he receives a message and gets surprised.
The mistress asks: "who was it my love?". He answers scratching his head: "it was my wife, she said she is going to be late because she went to the movies with you".
Ice Cream Truck
My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be s**... active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.
A man walks into a psychologist's office
The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."
A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.
"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.
They are having s**... when the man asks for a b**.... She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don't want to see a single dish in that sink tonight." He eagerly agrees.
The wife gives her husband a b**..., and when she's done, the man pulls out a blindfold. Surprised, the wife purrs, "What are you going to do to me?"
Perplexed, the husband responds: "You said you didn't want to see the dishes."
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want us to try doggy tonight"
Surprisingly to the husband the wife agrees.
So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweety"
The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "what? What about doggy?"
The husband replies, "honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
May Sound like a Joke to Some
Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!
So, there was this rich dude...
One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...
Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, replies, Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
To which she responds,
"Didn't feel a thing."
A couple were Christmas shopping
The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: " Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"
Military Time joke
Retired General meets a younger woman at a party and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
There's an old Yugoslav Joke mocking police corruption
where a policeman returns home unexpectedly and finds his wife n**... in their marital bed, obviously hot and excited. Suspecting that he surprised her with a lover, he starts to look around the room for a hidden man. The wife goes pale when he leans down to look under the bed; but after some brief whispering, the husband rises with a satisfied, smug smile and says Sorry my love, false alarm. There is no one under the bed!, while his hand tightly clutches several high denomination banknotes.
Men are so sensitive ;)
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
A senior in high school finally musters up the guts to ask his crush out to prom...
To his surprise, she says "yes." So, he decides to go all-out... He goes to rent his tux and there's a huge line, but he waits patiently and gets the tux. Next, he goes to the flower shop and has to wait in another really long line, but eventually gets the flowers. He goes to pick her up and she loves the tux and flowers and they head to prom. When they arrive, there's another long line but they eventually get in. While they're dancing she says to him that she's thirsty, so he goes to get her something to drink. He goes to get her some punch and there's no punchline.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar……
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."
Here's a story about me and my girlfriends first time.
She was at my house, and he and up to me and said, Im hungry, I want something nice and hot to eat. I caught her drift, so I went and got that metallic packet that everyone loves. I checked the used by date, and It wasn't off so I ripped it open and put it on. We waited a minute or so, until the tension was boiling hot, and then I grabbed it, and shoved it in her mouth.
The ramen was great, I'm surprised we hadn't had it before, we're having it again tomorrow!
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
A man is getting a divorce with his wife
The man sits down with his daughter to break the news to her. The daughter is visibly upset and asks why.
The man explains gently, Your mother and I don't love each other anymore honey.
What does love mean dad? , the daughter asks.
Well, an example of love is when you come home from work and your wife is excited to see you , the man replies.
But dad, mom gets excited lots of times right when you come home!
The man is surprised. When has she ever gotten excited?
Well, whenever mom hears your car while she is in the bedroom with uncle, she always screams, 'my husband's home, he's here!'
An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada.
He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...
It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.
The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.
His feet feel refreshed!
The street has gorgeous s**... and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones.
He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.
One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap!
The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.
He interrupts them to say, Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best.
The man with the sledge stops and says, Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold.
Well, I'll be! cried the archaeologist. And what's that fellow up to? pointing to the man on his knees.
Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see...
And here the man paused...
So you see...my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist.
The gradist...of fall time.
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a h**... and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts:
##Hasimota!
The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
Cowboy Jack
So I used to have this friend named Jack. He was pretty fat, and he thought he was a cowboy. He loved to ride horses. I was surprised they held him up. Well Jack just kept getting fatter and fatter. He refused to give up riding. Then one day he got stuck in his saddle. He tried to throw himself over one side, throw himself over the other, but nothing would work. Anyways, that was the day I had to help j**... a horse.
An old Russian WW2 joke
This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.
During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, he realizes that all of them are injured, most of them at their hands and arms.
The general interrogates the commander:
"Very impressive! But how did you manage to take all these hostages?"
"Ha, very simple! Just build up a machine gun next to the German trench and yell >>HEIL!! <<"
I walked into my local pub...
Much to my surprise, I noticed slabs of meat attached to the ceiling. I asked what it was all about.
The barman said if you can jump and touch the slabs of meat on the ceiling, you win free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if you don't reach it you have to pay up £50... how does that sound?
After some serious consideration I backed down and replied I'd love to but I'm sorry, the steaks are just too high...
The husband came home one day and started to pack his bag.
"Where to?" asked his surprised wife.
"To the Canaries," replied the husband, "I hear there are so many women in there, they even pay a man $20 to make love to them."
Hearing this the wife started to pack too.
"And here are you heading for?" asked the husband.
"I am coming with you," said the wife, "I want to see how you can live on $40 a month."
A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson
A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?
The boy replied I'm just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.