Entertaining Surgery Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!
Upvote for visibility.
No joke will ever be too soon for Joan Rivers thread.
Joan Rivers died doing what she loved to do best. Surgery.
My rabbi told me this one.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...
The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
Finals in college are a lot like plastic surgery
walk in with A's and leave with D's.
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
hashtag nofilter
(AP) New York - A baby delivered without eyelids had surgery today at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, NY. Doctors successfully removed the child's f**... and were able to use the tissue to successfully form eyelids. Doctors said the child will be fine.
Just a little cockeyed.
I just had hip replacement surgery
It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
You can explore surgery surgical reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean surgery plastic surgery dad jokes. There are also surgery puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.
s**... after Surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs
"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"
Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts association,
Nice to see a lot of new faces here today.
Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic
I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
Can I talk to my son?
A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!
A lawyer had just undergone surgery
...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a t**... subject...
These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting
Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."
"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery?
The anesthesia wasn't local.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous
I see a lot of new faces today.
When life gives you lemons...
... a simple surgery can give you melons.
What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?
Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
A blind man and his mistress.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out n**..., spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.
Plastic surgery anonymous
"Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous, I see a lot of new faces here today and I have to say I'm really disappointed with you all..."
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!
I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong
I mean, it's not rocket surgery
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a t**... subject.
Now when you talk about Botox no one raises an eyebrow
Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group
I see a lot of new faces around
Remeber when plastic surgery was a t**... subject?
Now you mention botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous
I see some new faces with us today so I must say I'm disappointed.
Do you really have to lick the knife!? she asked with a disapproving frown. Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit. I said, chuckling. Lots of people do it though, don't they?!
Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked. Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don't they? I said.
Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.
So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?
Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.
After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?
He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.
There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.
Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
A lawyer wakes up after surgery
He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.
The patient excitedly replies, I'll take the good news first.
The surgeon tells them, Well, you're about to get a new dog!
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...
It was an ether/oar situation.
I remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a t**... subject..
..but nowadays when you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
I once woke up mid surgery.
Thankfully the patient was still asleep.
A patient runs into a doctor's surgery yelling out: I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking! What should I do?
The doctor replies: you are just going to have to be a little patient.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.
So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.
A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...
...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."
Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery..
Me why?
A man is walking his pet carrot
As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.
If There's h**... Below …
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.
I was going in for surgery to remove a cyst in my hand yesterday, and I asked one of the nurses if I'd be able to play piano after recovery.
She said yes!
I replied: "That's great, I've never been able to play before!"
The eyeroll I got back made me think she was thinking back over the Hippocratic oath to determine whether she could smother me with a pillow or not.
Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?
Anything
I have a male to female trans friend who just finished her gender reassignment surgery.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
Plastic surgery used to be such a t**... discussion topic...
...now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow
Why did the hipster decline surgery?
The anesthetic wasn't local
Remember when plastic surgery was a t**...
Now you mention Botox and no one rises an eyebrow
Remember: l**... the knife is acceptable after cutting something like cake
Not after surgery
A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery
He asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.
I gave my wife ten thousand dollars to have plastic surgery;
now I can't get the money back and I don't know who to look for.
Chuck Norris went to the doctor for surgery
When the doctor woke up from sedation, Chuck gave him a lolly pop and wished him a good day.
At first I didn't believe a surgery could fix my legs and get me out of the wheelchair.
I stand corrected.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation.
