Surgery Jokes
148 surgery jokes and hilarious surgery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about surgery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh in the operating room? Check out this collection of surgery jokes from the perspective of medical staff, patients, and those recovering from their procedures. Get a chuckle from surgery cartoons, puns about mastectomies and other procedures, and more!
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Funniest Surgery Short Jokes
Short surgery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The surgery humour may include short surgical jokes also.
- There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery... The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
- My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.
- Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was... ...an ether/oar situation.
- "Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
- BREAKING: North korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery. They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
- Plastic surgery anonymous "Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous, I see a lot of new faces here today and I have to say I'm really disappointed with you all..."
- If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse... I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!
- No joke will ever be too soon for Joan Rivers thread. Joan Rivers died doing what she loved to do best. Surgery.
- I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
- Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked. Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don't they? I said. Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.
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Surgery One Liners
Which surgery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with surgery? I can suggest the ones about surgeries performed and medical procedure.
- What's the most common operation in a lego hospital? Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke] - Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery hashtag nofilter
- I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong I mean, it's not rocket surgery
- Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery.. Me why?
- Finals in college are a lot like plastic surgery walk in with A's and leave with D's.
- Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery? The anesthesia wasn't local.
- I once woke up mid surgery. Thankfully the patient was still asleep.
- When life gives you lemon... ... a simple surgery can give you melons.
- Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong? I'm all ears.
- What do you call a fish that performs brain surgeries? A neurosturgeon
- Did you hear about the surgeon who botched Kim Jong Un surgery? Yeah, me neither.
- I fell asleep during surgery My patient unfortunately passed away
- How do uou describe a person during brain surgery? Open-minded
- Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery. Doc: Me too!!
After Surgery Jokes
Here is a list of funny after surgery jokes and even better after surgery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery? Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.
- I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.
- There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name. - Justin Trudeau announces free lazer eye surgery for all Canadians in 4 years... When asked why he put forward this proposal, he responded by saying "because it's 2020".
- My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup. Me: You don't need makeup.
GF: Aww thanks
Me: You need plastic surgery - Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.
- If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster Or maybe that's just super stichin'
- I gave my wife £10,000 to get plastic surgery Last week she took the money, got the surgery and ran away.
So not only am i down 10 grand, i don't know who to look for. - "We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery "Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.
And he runs out of the operating room. - I've decided to put off my gender transition surgery until after I've gotten my linguistics degree I'm a trans later
Plastic Surgery Jokes
Here is a list of funny plastic surgery jokes and even better plastic surgery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge... the look on my face was priceless.
- I just lent my friend £20,000 for plastic surgery The trouble is I don't know what he looks like now
- Why do LEGO men hate going to hospital...? Because plastic surgery costs a fortune!
- I went to my plastic surgery addicts anonymous meeting today. I saw a lot of new faces.
- One of the first things they want you to do before getting plastic surgery is.... Pick your nose.
- My plastic surgeon didn't even recognize me after the surgery I guess he's just terrible with faces
- How do you fix a doll with a broken face? Plastic surgery.
- I Remember The Guy Who Made Me Smile For The Rest Of My Life He's the reason why I don't do plastic surgery anymore.
- How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
- I read a book about a man who had plastic surgery. The preface was really good.
Surgery Remove Jokes
Here is a list of funny surgery remove jokes and even better surgery remove puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did FIFA have surgery? They had to remove their Blatter.
- After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.
- I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade! Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.
- A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.
Media was alerted by an anonymous tip. - My English professor had a colonoscopy... Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
- Had my wisdom teeth removed and the doc wrote me a script for oxys The percs of dental surgery
- Today I Saw A Living Tea Cup. But it was missing an arm, so I asked "what happened to your arm?"
He reply with "I had to get surgery to remove it."
"Oh"
"So I guess your an amputea?" - My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed.
- I got breast removal surgery... Sorry I had to get that of my chest
- I had my appendix removed a few years ago... I hope I never need surgery again. If I do, how will the surgeon be able to find anything in my body?
Heart Surgery Jokes
Here is a list of funny heart surgery jokes and even better heart surgery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me But then I had a change of heart
- I had to be rushed in for an emergency open heart surgery today, My doctor grinned as he handed me a scalpel, "Fixing your heart yourself would give you a sense of pride and accomplishm-..."
- "I'm gonna steal her heart.." Is not that romantic when you say it during a surgery.
- "The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach" ... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery.
- What did the polar bear say to the doctor 'Is my son going to make it from his heart surgery because right now I'm living on ice.'
- A guy named Michael was rushed to the emergency room one night and had to have heart surgery.. I guess you could say it was open Mike night.
- I woke up on the table in the middle of my heart surgery. The nurse just said, maybe cardiology isn't for you.
- RIP Bill Paxton The only guy to be killed by a predator, a terminator, an alien, and a botched heart surgery.
- My grandfather has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime of pain from the surgery.
- A rich friend of mine had lots of cosmetic surgery and even had a number of her organs repositioned. Still, her heart's in the right place.
Surgery Recovery Jokes
Here is a list of funny surgery recovery jokes and even better surgery recovery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery.. But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".
- I just had a scoliosis correction surgery When I woke up, the doctor said "well, now that we've got that all straightened out, we can focus on recovery"
Entertaining Surgery Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about surgery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean surgeon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make surgery pranks.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
My rabbi told me this one.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(AP) New York - A baby delivered without eyelids had surgery today at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, NY. Doctors successfully removed the child's f**... and were able to use the tissue to successfully form eyelids. Doctors said the child will be fine.
Just a little cockeyed.
A man gets circumcised...
After his surgery, he asks the surgeon, "How much should I pay you?"
The surgeon replies, "Oh, you don't need to pay me anything, I do this sort of stuff for free."
The man, confused, then asks, "How do you make a living?"
The surgeon says, "I just collect the tips."
After my surgery, the doctor told me I have to pee sitting down.
He told me not to lift anything that weighs more than 10 pounds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after Surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
Can I talk to my son?
A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!
Husband: "Honey, at work I fainted, and Natalie took me to the doctor. He says I need a brain surgery in 72 hours and blood transfusion also."
Wife: "Who is Natalie?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I snapped my fingers to get a waiter's attention.
Pretty s**... really, now I need surgery.
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
My mother always told me: "If you want a job done well, do it yourself"
That theory didn't pan out too well with my last surgery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man and his mistress.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out n**..., spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.
Got laser eye surgery last month
Still can't fire lasers out of my eyes. Am I doing it wrong? Should I get a refund?
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
I had surgery to become a 50p coin.
My father always said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...
"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."
He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."
She: "How nice, you are so sweet."
He: "You need plastic surgery."
Do you really have to lick the knife!? she asked with a disapproving frown. Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit. I said, chuckling. Lots of people do it though, don't they?!
Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor
A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.
The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a sensitive subject.
But now when you make jokes about botox, nobody lifts an eyebrow.
When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort
I guess you could say they were undercover operations
Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...
We stopped him and asked what was wrong.
He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.
We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"
Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
If the Doctor doesn't show up to your surgery
You're legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.
When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...
I see trees of green, and red roses too.
After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?
He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...
...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes in for hernia surgery
After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.
"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your t**... during the surgery."
The man was immediately furious.
"You b**...! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"
The surgeon calmly replies "Now sir, you don't have the b**...."
A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery
He asks his doctor: How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?
Doctor: It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.
Patient: That's amazing, I've never played the piano before!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or . . . .
if you operated on the right patient.
To celebrate my cake day, here's a joke that gave me a giggle
An old lady walks into a dental surgery, sits down in the chair, lifts her knees up and spreads her legs.
Dentist: 'Miss, I believe you're in the wrong room'.
Woman: 'You put my husbands new teeth in last week. I'm here to have them removed'.
My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.
A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...
...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."
Doctor: Don't be nervous Jeff, it's gonna be a quick surgery.
Patient: But my name isn't Jeff..
Doctor: I know, it's mine.
A man is walking his pet carrot
As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.
Following his collapse on set of Better Call Saul, doctors recommend a double-bypass surgery for Bob Odenkirk
Oh, good news. The deal went through. It's a triple-bypass now.
Surgeon: "don't worry, Micheal. This is but a small surgery"
Patient: "my name is not Micheal. It's Dan".
Surgeon: "I know. My name is Micheal".
*after 500 surgeries.
Patient: "Doctor, I'm really worried. This is my first surgery".
Surgeon Micheal: "Don't worry. This is my 500th surgery".
Patient: "thanks Doctor. Now I know I'm in good hands".
Doctor Micheal:" yeah, this time it ought to succeed".
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk at a doctor's office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Why do you think it was taken here?
After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.
I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.
I was going in for surgery to remove a cyst in my hand yesterday, and I asked one of the nurses if I'd be able to play piano after recovery.
She said yes!
I replied: "That's great, I've never been able to play before!"
The eyeroll I got back made me think she was thinking back over the Hippocratic oath to determine whether she could smother me with a pillow or not.
Two 5 year old boys are in the hospital waiting to go into surgery. The first boy asks the other, "What are having done?"
"I'm having my tonsils taken out."
"Oh you're going to love it. I had that done last year and I got to eat ice cream for a week. Best week ever."
The second boy asks, "What about you?"
"Circumcision," the first boy replies.
The second boy responds, "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for almost a year."
I have a male to female trans friend who just finished her gender reassignment surgery.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
