The Best 63 Surgeon Jokes
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of surgeon jokes. From doctor jokes to hospital jokes, we've got all the best medical humor.
Top 10 Funniest Surgeon Jokes and Puns
If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him...
With my bear hands
Sex after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
Cardiologist
A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.
Did you hear about the brain surgeon who was thinking of performing a brain transplant on himself?
He ended up having a change of mind.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
His hand slipped.
2 surgeons are sitting down having lunch.
They are both engaged in a conversation when all of a sudden, one of the surgeons starts laughing hysterically. A dermatologist walks over to their table to join them. He asked the surgeons, "what's so funny?" One of the surgeons replies, " you wouldn't understand. It's an inside joke. "
Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...
"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.
"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.
Met a woman at the bar the other night
She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."
Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.
Most women can't pull off sarcasm.
No plastic surgeon will help me!
I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
You can explore surgeon hospital reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean surgeon patient dad jokes. There are also surgeon puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".
It's hard on your joints.
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
So, there are two men.
They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a refugee!"
Do not Get Nervous
Ashok: Why did you run away from operation Table ?
Ramesh : The nurse was repeatedly saying- "don't get nervous" ,"don't be afraid.
"Be strong" This is a small operation only."
Ashok : So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid?
Ramesh: She was talking to the surgeon!
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.
Self service in the OR
Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.
Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.
Don't Get Nervous
Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
I just spoke to my lazy eye surgeon.
I wish he was more energetic.
A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...
"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."
My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach
Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon
Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?
Apparently it was an inside joke
Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."
Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
Surgeon: "I know, I am"
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
I know the feeling...
An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."
"Yes," said the surgeon. "I know the feeling."
Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.
It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.
So the doctor she asked "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life.
"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
My grandmother always use to say the fastest way to a man's heart is through the stomach
She was a terrible surgeon.
Did you hear about the surgeon who botched Kim Jong Un surgery?
Yeah, me neither.
Three Surgeons meet in a bar...
Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys ass and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".
Surgeon: Just relax, Michael. It's just a small surgery.
Patient: My name isn't Michael.
Surgeon: I know, my name is Michael.
My girlfriend got her good looks from her father
He's a plastic surgeon
Four surgeons
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown
I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.
"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery
"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.
And he runs out of the operating room.
As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.
The patient excitedly replies, I'll take the good news first.
The surgeon tells them, Well, you're about to get a new dog!
I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either
I just didn't become a surgeon
A Patient Needs a Heart Transplant
The surgeon tells the patient, "You are in luck; we have two matching donors! A twenty-year-old athlete and an eighty-year-old lawyer. Which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart. That one hasn't been used yet."
My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"
Lovely woman.
Terrible surgeon.
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.
He said: Sure, knock yourself out!
In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.
Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'
'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'
A doctor's toilet gets clogged up
He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.
The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.
A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse.
Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
A passer by asked a tree surgeon how many trees he has cut down...
Surgeon: Exactly 178,794
Passerby: Wow, how do you know that?
Surgeon: I keep a log
Four Surgeons are getting coffee
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...
...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."
My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon.
The plastic surgeon
A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."
Surgeon: "don't worry, Micheal. This is but a small surgery"
Patient: "my name is not Micheal. It's Dan".
Surgeon: "I know. My name is Micheal".
*after 500 surgeries.
Patient: "Doctor, I'm really worried. This is my first surgery".
Surgeon Micheal: "Don't worry. This is my 500th surgery".
Patient: "thanks Doctor. Now I know I'm in good hands".
Doctor Micheal:" yeah, this time it ought to succeed".
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk at a doctor's office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Why do you think it was taken here?
After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.
I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.
Doctor. I think I'm a moth
A man goes to see a surgeon and says,
Man: "Doctor, I think I am a moth."
Surgeon: "Very strange, but surely you need a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. Why did you come to me?"
Man: "Your light was on."
Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.
The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."
The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."
The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of the birds fall down into the water. He turns to the pathologist and says: "Run a test on them, will you, and see if they're ducks."
Speaking of foreskins.....
A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids. This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Due to the lack of suitable donors for the skin the doctor used the boy's foreskin, post circumcision. I saw him the other day and other than looking a little cock-eyed he seemed okay.
My mother always used to say 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach'
She's a lovely woman but a terrible surgeon.
3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.
The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical patients were polliticians. Their heads are interchangable with theirs asses and they have no internal organs as they are completely full of shit!
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic before my operation...
"Go ahead," he replied. "Knock yourself out..."
What's the worst job for a talkative Italian?
A surgeon
Sylvia was wheeled into the operating room.
The surgeon told the nurse, "Please prepare the instruments."
Sylvia glared at him and said, "Here I am at death's door and you want to play music?!?"
A surgeon and a caretaker had some beers and say goodbye.
Take care!
Oh, cut it out!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the surgeon gastroenterologist puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working surgeon doctor's office piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.