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Surgeon Jokes

138 surgeon jokes and hilarious surgeon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about surgeon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of surgeon jokes. From doctor jokes to hospital jokes, we've got all the best medical humor.

Funniest Surgeon Short Jokes

Short surgeon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The surgeon humour may include short physician jokes also.

  1. A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
  2. I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said: Sure, knock yourself out!
  3. My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
  4. Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
    Surgeon: "I know, I am"
  5. "The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach." The surgeon was fired later that day.
  6. A trans man went to his therapist and then a gender reassignment surgeon. To both of them he said the same thing... I need to get something off my chest.
  7. Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by... "What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.
    "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.
  8. I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done None of the other surgeons seem to do it !
  9. My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
  10. My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman.
    Terrible surgeon.

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Surgeon One Liners

Which surgeon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with surgeon? I can suggest the ones about surgery and urologist.

  1. My girlfriend got her good looks from her father He's a plastic surgeon
  2. My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons.
  3. How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His hand slipped.
  4. A Spine surgeon's to-do list 1) Get back to work!
  5. Traditionally, orthopedic surgeons were strong and dumb. But now they have power tools.
  6. Did you hear about the surgeon who botched Kim Jong Un surgery? Yeah, me neither.
  7. What's the worst job for a talkative Italian? A surgeon
  8. I just spoke to my lazy eye surgeon. I wish he was more energetic.
  9. Did you know that a lobotomy is very easy to perform? Surgeons call it a no-brainer.
  10. Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy? he got the sack
  11. Wanted: Circumcision surgeon $700 per week, plus tips.
  12. Why did the surgeon not like the movie? Because it was the uncut version.
  13. Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . . encourage you to pick your nose.
  14. What was the plastic surgeon priest's favourite thing to do? Alter boys
  15. Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

Surgeon Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny surgeon doctor jokes and even better surgeon doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • No plastic surgeon will help me! I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
  • So... I went to the doctors surgeon and he said to me pick a star sign, any star sign. So I said Capricorn and he said Nah you've got cancer.
  • Patient: "Doctor, there is something I must get off my chest." Doctor: "I'm sorry, ma'am. I am not a plastic surgeon."
  • Doctor's Discussion Two surgeons are conferring in the hospital corridor outside a patient's room...
    "We found a large lump in his wallet but I think we got it all."
  • What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work? Suture self!
  • I met a plastic surgeon the other day. He told me that plastic surgeons have a remarkably low rate of depression compared to other doctors.
    I guess they find a lot of what they do to be uplifting.
  • My doctor told me I have to go to the foot surgereon. But I'm scared of even going to the regular hand surgeon, what should I do?
  • Stay calm John, it's just a... ...small cut with a scalpel, said the surgeon.
    Patient: but I am not John.
    Doctor: I know, I am John.
  • I started a group for surgeons who are having trouble booking their vacation homes as AirBnB sites. It's called Doctors without Boarders.
  • What do you call a surgeon that only has s**... with midgets? Doctor Doolittle.

Plastic Surgeon Jokes

Here is a list of funny plastic surgeon jokes and even better plastic surgeon puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes... But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.
  • Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear.
  • Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients... At the olfactory.
  • My plastic surgeon didn't even recognize me after the surgery I guess he's just terrible with faces
  • If Mr. Miyagi was a plastic surgeon, what would his slogan be? Racks on, racks off.
  • I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants He just replied "Si"
  • What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty? Faith lifts
  • The zookeeper asked her plastic surgeon to make her a marsupial by giving her a pouch. She wanted to be more koalafied for her job.
  • Plastic surgeons don't get along with me. But they bring out the breast in my wife.
  • What is a plastic surgeon's favorite activity at summer camp? arts and grafts.
Surgeon joke, What is a plastic surgeon's favorite activity at summer camp?

Brain Surgeon Jokes

Here is a list of funny brain surgeon jokes and even better brain surgeon puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the brain surgeon who was thinking of performing a brain transplant on himself? He ended up having a change of mind.
  • A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant. I refused, telling her she wouldn't change my mind.
  • I went in to get a brain transplant.. ..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.
  • How does a dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slips
  • Why do brain surgeons begin operations early? So they can work ahead
  • What do you call a group of brain surgeons? A neural network.
  • Where do Brain Surgeon Students go to study? The Hippocampus
  • What did a brain surgeon order at a restaurant? A seizure salad
  • A career change can happen quickly in today's society. For example, there once was a dentist who became a brain surgeon within a matter of seconds.
    All it took was for his drill to slip.
  • I had a great conversation with the world's leading brain surgeon.. Best cab ride ever

Tree Surgeon Jokes

Here is a list of funny tree surgeon jokes and even better tree surgeon puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A passer by asked a tree surgeon how many trees he has cut down... Surgeon: Exactly 178,794
    Passerby: Wow, how do you know that?
    Surgeon: I keep a log
  • What do you call 3 Irish tree surgeons? Tree fellas
  • If you're a surgeon, you bury your mistakes... If you're a tree surgeon, your mistakes bury you.
  • As a kid I wanted to be a tree surgeon... but the sight of sap makes me faint
  • Our school pe teacher left to become a tree surgeon... Something about operations on a yew tree
  • How do tree surgeons live? Life on the hedge!
  • What do you call an elite team of crime solving tree surgeons? Special branch.
  • It took me just 30 minutes to get the Christmas tree up yesterday... It took surgeons 4 hours to get it back out again.

Surgeon Anaesthetist Jokes

Here is a list of funny surgeon anaesthetist jokes and even better surgeon anaesthetist puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The last thing you want to hear your surgeon say is "oops" Because if you hear that, it means your anaesthetist has also messed up..
Surgeon joke, The last thing you want to hear your surgeon say is "oops"

Playful Surgeon Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about surgeon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean medical doctor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make surgeon pranks.

If I ever find the surgeon who s**... up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

s**... after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

First Time

A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first s**... change operation!"
Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.
True story...LOL!

Cardiologist

A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.

The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, That will be $200.
The surgeon was astonished. He says, I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.
The plumber says, Yeah, I know. Before I switched to plumbing, I was a neurosurgeon too."

I met a plastic surgeon at a bar last night...

He specialized in male-to-female s**... reassignment surgeries. He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.

2 surgeons are sitting down having lunch.

They are both engaged in a conversation when all of a sudden, one of the surgeons starts laughing hysterically. A dermatologist walks over to their table to join them. He asked the surgeons, "what's so funny?" One of the surgeons replies, " you wouldn't understand. It's an inside joke. "

A man gets circumcised...

After his surgery, he asks the surgeon, "How much should I pay you?"
The surgeon replies, "Oh, you don't need to pay me anything, I do this sort of stuff for free."
The man, confused, then asks, "How do you make a living?"
The surgeon says, "I just collect the tips."

Met a woman at the bar the other night

She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."
Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.
Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

A neurosurgeon is preparing his patient for a brain transplant...

He tells the patient: "Would you like a woman's brain or a man's brain?"
"Why are there options?" the patient asks.
"Well," replies the Surgeon, "the woman's brain is half the price of the man's!
"Why is it half price?" asks the man.
"Because it's used!"

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

"Don't be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking m**...".

It's hard on your joints.

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.

So, there are two men.

They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former r**... from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a r**...!"

Do not Get Nervous

Ashok: Why did you run away from operation Table ?
Ramesh : The nurse was repeatedly saying- "don't get nervous" ,"don't be afraid.
"Be strong" This is a small operation only."
Ashok : So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid?
Ramesh: She was talking to the surgeon!

Self service in the OR

Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.
Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.

Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."

My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's o**...?

Apparently it was an inside joke

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

I know the feeling...

An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."
"Yes," said the surgeon. "I know the feeling."

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...

We stopped him and asked what was wrong.
He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.
We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"
Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"

A woman wakes up in hospital after having a v**... tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".
The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".
The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears .

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal s**... life.
"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

My grandmother always use to say the fastest way to a man's heart is through the stomach

She was a terrible surgeon.

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys a**... and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".

Surgeon: Just relax, Michael. It's just a small surgery.

Patient: My name isn't Michael.
Surgeon: I know, my name is Michael.

Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the a**... and head are interchangeable."

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown

I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.
And he runs out of the operating room.

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we're arguing over the oldest profession

The doctor said "in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, so the first profession was a surgeon." The engineer said, "God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession." The politician said, "who do you think you made the chaos?"

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, I'll take the good news first.
The surgeon tells them, Well, you're about to get a new dog!

I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either

I just didn't become a surgeon

A man goes in for hernia surgery

After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.
"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your t**... during the surgery."
The man was immediately furious.
"You b**...! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"
The surgeon calmly replies "Now sir, you don't have the b**...."

A Patient Needs a Heart Transplant

The surgeon tells the patient, "You are in luck; we have two matching donors! A twenty-year-old athlete and an eighty-year-old lawyer. Which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart. That one hasn't been used yet."

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'
'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.

Four Surgeons are getting coffee

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their a**... are interchangeable."

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."

My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon.

My sister always said the best way to a mans heart is through his stomach.

Great lady.
Terrible surgeon.

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.
Sheesh!

The plastic surgeon

A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's b**... to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "a**... skin for a friend."

Surgeon: "don't worry, Micheal. This is but a small surgery"

Patient: "my name is not Micheal. It's Dan".
Surgeon: "I know. My name is Micheal".
*after 500 surgeries.
Patient: "Doctor, I'm really worried. This is my first surgery".
Surgeon Micheal: "Don't worry. This is my 500th surgery".
Patient: "thanks Doctor. Now I know I'm in good hands".
Doctor Micheal:" yeah, this time it ought to succeed".

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk at a doctor's office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Why do you think it was taken here?
After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.
I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.

Doctor. I think I'm a moth

A man goes to see a surgeon and says,
Man: "Doctor, I think I am a moth."
Surgeon: "Very strange, but surely you need a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. Why did you come to me?"
Man: "Your light was on."

The surgeon who performed my circumcision didn't have scalpels.

I was surprised they managed to pull it off.

3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical patients were polliticians. Their heads are interchangable with theirs a**... and they have no internal organs as they are completely full of s**...!

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic before my operation...

"Go ahead," he replied. "Knock yourself out..."

If you are ever looking for some advice, you should contact a surgeon specialising in circumcision.

They have plenty of tips.

Three surgeons were discussing their patients.

The first surgeon says, 'I like operating on electricians, you open them up and everything is colour coded and tagged and easy to trace'
The second surgeon says 'I enjoy opening librarians. Everything is catalogued and in order, so really easy to find things'
The third surgeon says 'I enjoy working on mechanics. They're always so understanding if you have any bits left over!'

Plastic Surgeon Dad, Operates On His Own Daughter....

There was a plastic/cosmetic surgeon,
who did some procedures on his own daughter,
He did her Nose, b**..., and a few other things....
When people said she was pretty,
He then would jokingly say to them:
"she got her good looks from me!"

I'm a great surgeon, I've never lost a patient

I know exactly where they all were when they died

What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.
A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.
(OC)

Surgeon joke, What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

jokes about surgeon