Useless surgeon.
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
It's hard on your joints.
Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
Surgeon: "I know, I am"
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Apparently it was an inside joke
"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.
"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.
She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."
Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.
Most women can't pull off sarcasm.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
His hand slipped.
Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
They are both engaged in a conversation when all of a sudden, one of the surgeons starts laughing hysterically. A dermatologist walks over to their table to join them. He asked the surgeons, "what's so funny?" One of the surgeons replies, " you wouldn't understand. It's an inside joke. "
"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a refugee!"
... So she she decides to get the operation, so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth.
After the operation, she wakes up with three roses on her chest.
Curious, she asks the nurse, "who are the roses from?"
"Well," says the nurse, "The first rose is from your husband. He wanted to thank you for undergoing the operation, and he said he's looking forward to enjoying the results."
"and the second rose?" asks the woman.
"That's from the surgeon," replied the nurse, "He noticed that you had taken some extra time to... prepare the area, and wanted to say thank you."
"Well that was very nice of him!" said the woman, "And who is the third rose from?"
"Oh, " said the nurse, "that's from Eddie in the burn ward. He wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.
I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
My grandfather was a doctor, so he had some fun ones. This was one of his favorite:
A boy was born mostly healthy, but with a strange mutation that left him with no left eyelid. The doctors were a bit stunned at first, but called in a plastic surgeon to consult. They needed to figure out a way to protect and keep the eye moist, but how?
Finally the surgeon proposed an unorthodox idea: he suggested that if they circumcised the boy, they could fashion the foreskin into a serviceable eyelid.
The parents consented, and off they went to surgery. Two hours later, the plastic surgeon appeared, looking tired but fairly content.
"How did it go?" the parents asked with concern.
The surgeon replied, "Well, he's a bit cockeyed, but I don't think anyone will notice."
and discussing surgeries they had performed..
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the Horse's ass.
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia,she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
With my bear hands
Ashok: Why did you run away from operation Table ?
Ramesh : The nurse was repeatedly saying- "don't get nervous" ,"don't be afraid.
"Be strong" This is a small operation only."
Ashok : So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid?
Ramesh: She was talking to the surgeon!
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the politician spoke up. "Yes," he said,
"But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.
"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"
The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."
NOTE BEFORE YOU READ: This joke is most often told amongst doctors, and you need to know a little bit about medical sub-specialties to get it.
A family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a mortician go hunting.
After a while in the woods, they spot a bird flying overhead. The family practitioner starts to aim at it, but stops when he realizes that he's not sure if it's a duck. The gynecologist starts to point at it, but stops when he realizes he's not sure if it's a male duck or a female duck.
Meanwhile, the surgeon blows the bird away. He chews his lip for a second, then turns to the mortician.
He tells him, "Go see if that was a duck."
"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"
Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.
After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.
He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.
Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.
Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.
So the doctor she asked "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life.
"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
A young woman's face is badly injured during a car crash. Before surgery the surgeon removes a large part of skin from her husbands buttocks so he can transplant it to her face. The operation is a success and the woman looks almost the same as she did before. Gratefully, the woman thanks her husband: 'You're so sweet you did this for me, when we get home I will make sure you'll have the night of your life'. 'No need' the man says, 'It's thanks enough to know that every time your mother kisses you, she will be kissing my ass!'
An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."
"Yes," said the surgeon. "I know the feeling."
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
He ended up having a change of mind.
I wish he was more energetic.
It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon
Doctor Doolittle.
The wife and her husband sat in their trailer watching a cooking show on TV, as the wife notice a romantically involved couple next door through the window. The couple was lying down on a blanket, the girl nibbled the boys ear and he had his hand inside her T-shirt. You don't need to be a brain surgeon to see where this would develop.
«I can not decide whether I want to watch them or the TV», the wife jokingly said to her husband.
«Watch them», the man replied dryly, «you already know how to cook».
The first doctor sees him and says, I've been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.
No way! says the chiropractor, I've had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can't you see how crooked his back is?
Nope, says the orthopedic surgeon. I've had more training than both of you combined and I'm certain that this man has hip damage.
The doctor's arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. Well gentlemen, he said, All four of us were wrong.
I thought it was a fart!
He tells the patient: "Would you like a woman's brain or a man's brain?"
"Why are there options?" the patient asks.
"Well," replies the Surgeon, "the woman's brain is half the price of the man's!
"Why is it half price?" asks the man.
"Because it's used!"
...the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, That will be $200.
The surgeon was astonished. He says, I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.
The plumber says, Yeah, I know. Before I switched to plumbing, I was a neurosurgeon too."
he got the sack
He specialized in male-to-female sexual reassignment surgeries. He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.
$700 per week, plus tips.
After his surgery, he asks the surgeon, "How much should I pay you?"
The surgeon replies, "Oh, you don't need to pay me anything, I do this sort of stuff for free."
The man, confused, then asks, "How do you make a living?"
The surgeon says, "I just collect the tips."
We stopped him and asked what was wrong.
He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.
We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"
Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"
"Don't be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
Because it didn't have the stomach for it.
I went to the doctors surgeon and he said to me pick a star sign, any star sign. So I said Capricorn and he said Nah you've got cancer.
Overall I do a lot of de-livering
It's why I'm not a surgeon anymore
... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.
I'm just about to close the nasty gash, the surgeon said.
The patient got paranoid and said, I'm not going to let you do that. I'm a senior nurse, I can close my own wound.
The surgeon hands her the thread and said, Suture self .
But I can't see any problem now.
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