Surely Jokes

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

Farming advice

A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks n**... every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the garden n**... every morning as you said but not that many tomatoes, but the cucumbers surely got big this year.

So its pancake Tuesday today

That surely crepe'd up on us

When the Jews wandered in a desert for four whole decades,

surely it went from epic fail to epoch fail

So a vulture is in line to board a plane...

and he's got a deer carcass in his claws. The TSA agent turns to the vulture and says, "That deer carcass smells horrific, surely you are going to check it on?" The vulture looks at the agent, smiles and says, "Nope, it's carrion."

Dat Riddim

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the d**...." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."

a lil' Boudreaux joke for y'all.

Mrs. Boudreaux went to the the local newspaper and said she wanted to put in the Obituary Column that Boudreaux died. They told her it would be $1.00 per word.
She said, "Here ya go, 2 dollahs - put in dere dat Boudreaux Died."
They said, "Mrs. Boudreaux, surely you want more dan dat."
She said "Mais, no, just 'Boudreaux died'."
The editor said, "Well, you a lil' upset. Bring yaself back tomorruh and you probably tink of sumtin else."
She came back the next day, and said, "Yeh, I tought of sumtin else.. 'BOAT FOR SALE'."

An old man...

An old man, living alone in a hut in the mountains walked down to the village one day. He went to the doctor.
- I want to be castrated
- No? Surely you don't want to do that?
- Yes, I do! Please castrate me!
And so they did.
When he later walked back up to his hut he met another man, also living alone in a hut in the mountains. The other man said:
- Hi there! I'm going to the doctor. I'm going to be vaccinated.
- Vaccinated! That was the word!

A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in t**... and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you." There was a long silence until the hiker hollered, "Can anybody else hear me?"

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Ha. Surely I'm not as awful as that!

Tall guys of the world, unite! There are people who seek to discriminate against us!

Surely, you have noticed it by now. All over the Internet people are screaming about oppression and then saying, "#notallmen."

Doctor, doctor, I keep suffering from halucinations that I'm the brightest star in the night sky.

Surely, you can't be Sirius.

A guy goes to the Doctor...

The Doctor looks at him with a grave look and says:
"I am sorry Sir but you are going to have to stop m**...."
The guy answers a bit puzzled:
"But I mean... Surely that's not bad for my health?"
"No, but it's a bit disturbing when I'm talking to you."

The fly and me

I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.

Surely we don't need that many guards.

I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop m**.... I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous.

He said it was distracting him.

I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.
I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.
Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"
The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."
The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"
The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

So a man went to a doctor's appointment...

The doctor said, "I have bad news and worse news."
The man asked, "Oh, what is it?"
The doctor frowned, " You have only 24 hours to live."
The man was in shock. "And what's the worse news? Surely it can't get any worse!"
The doctor frowned again. "I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"

and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on

What kind of m**... invented the fire blanket

Surely fire is warm enough already?

"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

A blonde walks into a bank and says "Hands in the air! This is a screw-up!"

The banker, confused, says "Surely you must mean a 'stick-up'." The blonde responds, "No, I forgot the gun."

The doctor gave me some bad news today...

He said I had severe onomatopoeia.
I asked what that was, and surely enough, it's exactly what it sounds like.

Nintendo: surely you can't come up with a worse name than Wii U

Microsoft: hold my beer

How to tell whether someone is an idiot

Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?
For that, we have special questions.
Can you name an example?
Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one?
But doctor, that surely won't work for people like me who know nothing about mountaineering.

*My iPhone on Airplane mode*

Me: Siri, surely it must rain today
Siri: It won't and don't call me Shirley

They say inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out.

But that's silly. Surely the skinny people aren't still alive after they eat them.

Did you hear about the guy that robbed the clock store overnight?

He surely took his time.

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,
Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,
Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.

They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how r**... they turned out to be.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

How many shots of liquor does it take to kill an Irishman

20, and if that does not put him in the ground, His wife surely will!

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

Asked my iPhone, Surely I don't need an umbrella today? . Siri replied Yes, and don't call me Shirley .

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.

Did you here about the man who lost his entire left side?

Remarkably, he's alright
(This is surely a repost because I've known it for years, but I can't remember seeing it on here)

What did the lighter say to his wife when their kid burnt a house down?

"Hey, at least now we surely know that he's arson."

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

A guy named Miles gets lost during a marathon in India...

"Surely I should be at the finish line by now!" he thinks.
Shortly he comes upon a group of Punjabi people, practically a score of them. "Excuse me," he asks, "Have you all seen anyone running a race around here? I'm not sure how long this thing is supposed to be. If so, can you point them out to me?"
Twenty Sikhs point to Miles.

It seems Like Saudi Arabia

will surely beheading out of the World Cup

Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July

Surely 241 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

3 Guys walk into a building

Surely one of them would have seen it coming?

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.
"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.

I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.

A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,

But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.
The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

It was Cesar Chavez who said: The end of all education is surely to service others

Well get on it, Shirley!

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

Are you alone this valentine?

Just die on the 13th and you will surely get attentions with flowers on 14th

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is
God's assistant: why two ears?
God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right
God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.
God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who f**... in the room.

A man boarded a plane with 16 kids

Attendant: Welcome sir, are all of them your kids. You surely have a big family
Man: Nah, I work for a c**... company. These are consumer complaints

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."
Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designer.
I mean, surely you've heard of...Karajan Luggage?

A woman decides do help people in need

She says, "I will donate my clothes to people who are starving!"
The husband says, "People who fit in your clothes surely are not starving."

Surely 2020 couldn't get any worse...

>!Enter the Spanish Inquisition!<

Wife: donate my clothes to poor people who are starving.

Husband: honey, if they fit in your clothes they surely aren't starving.

Wife: I want to donate my clothes to people who are poor and starving.

Husband: Anyone who fits into your clothes is surely not starving.

I surely hope Death is a woman

That way it never comes for me.

Social Distancing is so unbelievably s**...

If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.

I can't marry my girlfriend else my family would disown me.

My wife and kids surely would.

It's disgraceful that in 2020 the train-driving profession is overwhelmingly male-dominated. Surely it's...

a woman's right to choo-choos.

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

A pregant woman goes into a doctors office to have an ultrasound.

The doctor tells us that she is going to have a girl. The doctor then asks what she will name the baby. "Hannah," she says. "I have six other daughters, and I've named them all Hannah."
"Surely that's a bit confusing?" The doctor inquires. "What if you want to call one of them downstairs?"
"That's easy," replied the woman. "I just call them by their last name."

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...
No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

John Buttlicker went to the magistrate to change his name.

He went to the attendant and told that he has had major difficulties during his life because of his name.
Attendant: Surely I can see that you have the necessary aspects to change your name! Have you tought what you would change it to?
John Buttlicker: Well I've always liked more the name Alex...

the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"

if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.
too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.
perfect invention.
let's put them in the busiest buildings.

A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck n**... woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.
The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "
The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Japan!"
The Viking shakes his head and says " No! She is in truth a Viking! Behold the beard of Thor!"

(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."
The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.
The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."
The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her f**...."

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!
...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.
I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a laugh out of me!

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, Surely, it's not going to rain today?

And she replied, Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley.
That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.

So Siri tells me there's a blizzard on the way, to which I say

Surely you can't be serious and she replies I am serious and don't call me Shirley
I must have left my phone in airplane mode

In 'Dungeons and Dragons' because bards are musicians...

Surely they can only use scale mail?

My friend committed arson at a gas station and is now locked inside. I fear for his soul.

I think he will surely burn in Shell.

Doctor. I think I'm a moth

A man goes to see a surgeon and says,
Man: "Doctor, I think I am a moth."
Surgeon: "Very strange, but surely you need a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. Why did you come to me?"
Man: "Your light was on."