The Best 90 Surely Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Surely jokes. There are some surely grief jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these surely composure puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Surely Jokes and Puns

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

Farming advice

A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks naked every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the garden naked every morning as you said but not that many tomatoes, but the cucumbers surely got big this year.

So its pancake Tuesday today

That surely crepe'd up on us

Surely joke, So its pancake Tuesday today

I have just read FHM's top grooming products of 2009. Surely they got it wrong.....

Haribo were not even in the top 10.

When the Jews wandered in a desert for four whole decades,

surely it went from epic fail to epoch fail


So a vulture is in line to board a plane...

and he's got a deer carcass in his claws. The TSA agent turns to the vulture and says, "That deer carcass smells horrific, surely you are going to check it on?" The vulture looks at the agent, smiles and says, "Nope, it's carrion."

Dat Riddim

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."

Surely joke, Dat Riddim

An old man...

An old man, living alone in a hut in the mountains walked down to the village one day. He went to the doctor.
- I want to be castrated
- No? Surely you don't want to do that?
- Yes, I do! Please castrate me!
And so they did.
When he later walked back up to his hut he met another man, also living alone in a hut in the mountains. The other man said:
- Hi there! I'm going to the doctor. I'm going to be vaccinated.
- Vaccinated! That was the word!

A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in terror and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you." There was a long silence until the hiker hollered, "Can anybody else hear me?"

Jesus party

When Jesus distributed fish and bread, he surely turned some water into red wine for the feast, being his blood and all, everyone knew he could do that party trick by then.
I'm sure someone must have went like:
"That's all good Jesus, but white wine would have been better with fish".
That person miraculously had food poisoning that day.

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

You can explore surely sir reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean surely evidently dad jokes. There are also surely puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Ha. Surely I'm not as awful as that!

Tall guys of the world, unite! There are people who seek to discriminate against us!

Surely, you have noticed it by now. All over the Internet people are screaming about oppression and then saying, "#notallmen."

Doctor, doctor, I keep suffering from halucinations that I'm the brightest star in the night sky.

Surely, you can't be Sirius.

A guy goes to the Doctor...

The Doctor looks at him with a grave look and says:

"I am sorry Sir but you are going to have to stop masturbating."

The guy answers a bit puzzled:

"But I mean... Surely that's not bad for my health?"

"No, but it's a bit disturbing when I'm talking to you."

The fly and me

I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.

The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins

Surely joke, The fly and me

I don't understand why dogs are called man's best friend.

Surely a man's real best friend would never try to hump his girlfriend's leg.

Niels Bohr (true story)

a true story (supposedly)

A man goes to visit Niels Bohr, and sees a horseshoe hanging over Bohr's door (a scandinavian superstition).

The man says, "But Niels, you are a scientist! Surely you do not believe in this superstition?"

Niels replies, "Of course I don't believe in it!"

The man is confused. "Why do you have it if you don't believe in it?"

Bohr replies, "It is supposed to work, even if you don't believe in it!"

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.


I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.

Surely we don't need that many guards.

I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous.

He said it was distracting him.

My neighbor just threw out the biggest trash I have ever seen..

Boy, I will surely miss Mrs. Jones

I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.

I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.

Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

This week is Frankenstein's birthday

surely he'll throw a monster party

2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win

2017: He can't do that... right?

2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!

Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel.

That way he'll surely get the black vote.

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"

The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."

The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"

The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

So a man went to a doctor's appointment...

The doctor said, "I have bad news and worse news."

The man asked, "Oh, what is it?"

The doctor frowned, " You have only 24 hours to live."

The man was in shock. "And what's the worse news? Surely it can't get any worse!"

The doctor frowned again. "I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

What do Greek teenagers say?

Omega!!

Note: surely it already exists but I thought of it independently and am proud of my terrible joke!

I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"

and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on

What kind of moron invented the fire blanket

Surely fire is warm enough already?

The US has avoided disaster..

by electing Donald Trump, our country's cumulative sigh of relief that surely would've thrown our planet out of its orbit and into the sun, has been avoided.

My Father is surely looking down on me today!

He's not dead, just very condescending

"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began

"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"

Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

Why is the Queen's speech on at 3pm?

Surely 1 can never be too early to make a speech...

A blonde walks into a bank and says "Hands in the air! This is a screw-up!"

The banker, confused, says "Surely you must mean a 'stick-up'." The blonde responds, "No, I forgot the gun."

The doctor gave me some bad news today...

He said I had severe onomatopoeia.

I asked what that was, and surely enough, it's exactly what it sounds like.

Nintendo: surely you can't come up with a worse name than Wii U

Microsoft: hold my beer

How to tell whether someone is an idiot

Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?

For that, we have special questions.

Can you name an example?

Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one?

But doctor, that surely won't work for people like me who know nothing about mountaineering.

*My iPhone on Airplane mode*

Me: Siri, surely it must rain today

Siri: It won't and don't call me Shirley

They say inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out.

But that's silly. Surely the skinny people aren't still alive after they eat them.

Did you hear about the guy that robbed the clock store overnight?

He surely took his time.

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,

Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.

They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

How many shots of liquor does it take to kill an Irishman

20, and if that does not put him in the ground, His wife surely will!

So you know how all those oil companies make a bunch of money?

I was thinking. Surely it must be rigged, right?

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

Asked my iPhone, Surely I don't need an umbrella today? . Siri replied Yes, and don't call me Shirley .

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.

When Americans are born, they're given a Bible and a Gun.

When one doesn't get them what they want, the other surely will.

Did you here about the man who lost his entire left side?

Remarkably, he's alright

(This is surely a repost because I've known it for years, but I can't remember seeing it on here)

What did the lighter say to his wife when their kid burnt a house down?

"Hey, at least now we surely know that he's arson."

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

A guy named Miles gets lost during a marathon in India...

"Surely I should be at the finish line by now!" he thinks.

Shortly he comes upon a group of Punjabi people, practically a score of them. "Excuse me," he asks, "Have you all seen anyone running a race around here? I'm not sure how long this thing is supposed to be. If so, can you point them out to me?"

Twenty Sikhs point to Miles.

It seems Like Saudi Arabia

will surely beheading out of the World Cup

So Anthony Bourdain was cremated...

Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.

Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July

Surely 241 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

3 Guys walk into a building

Surely one of them would have seen it coming?

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.

I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.

A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,

But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.

The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!

After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

Apple's stock quote has fallen a bit

If it would wear a new Apple Watch Series 4, it would surely detect the fall!

While I was talking with Siri I said Surely you can look this up

Siri replied Don't call me Shirley

Then I realized I had airplane mode on

I mean surely you know that global warming is a huge issue in our world today right?

Don't call me Sherly!!

I visited a doctor and he told me I was paranoid.

In fact, he didn't tell me, but he surely had to think I was.

After several attempts, I finally understood that mime's story...

Surely he gesticulates.

It was Cesar Chavez who said: The end of all education is surely to service others

Well get on it, Shirley!

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

Are you alone this valentine?

Just die on the 13th and you will surely get attentions with flowers on 14th

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!

The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God's assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who farted in the room.

Harry Potter sees a black dog...

Harry: Sirius, is that you in disguise?

Sirius: I am, surely, and don't call me Sirius

A man boarded a plane with 16 kids

Attendant: Welcome sir, are all of them your kids. You surely have a big family

Man: Nah, I work for a condom company. These are consumer complaints

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designer.

I mean, surely you've heard of...Karajan Luggage?

A woman decides do help people in need

She says, "I will donate my clothes to people who are starving!"

The husband says, "People who fit in your clothes surely are not starving."

Surely 2020 couldn't get any worse...

>!Enter the Spanish Inquisition!<

Wife: donate my clothes to poor people who are starving.

Husband: honey, if they fit in your clothes they surely aren't starving.

Wife: I want to donate my clothes to people who are poor and starving.

Husband: Anyone who fits into your clothes is surely not starving.

I surely hope Death is a woman

That way it never comes for me.

Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid

If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.

I can't marry my girlfriend else my family would disown me.

My wife and kids surely would.

It's disgraceful that in 2020 the train-driving profession is overwhelmingly male-dominated. Surely it's...

a woman's right to choo-choos.

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!

The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

A pregant woman goes into a doctors office to have an ultrasound.

The doctor tells us that she is going to have a girl. The doctor then asks what she will name the baby. "Hannah," she says. "I have six other daughters, and I've named them all Hannah."
"Surely that's a bit confusing?" The doctor inquires. "What if you want to call one of them downstairs?"
"That's easy," replied the woman. "I just call them by their last name."

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the surely explorer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working surely examination piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes