suppose Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious suppose puns

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."


"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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Is there an f in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. Where's your lieutenant? he asks a private.

Sir, there isn't a lieutenant assigned to this post.

I was told there was.

No, sir, no lieutenant here.

I'm pretty sure there is.

The private thinks about it for a moment. Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word 'rifle' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

Well, 'rile' I suppose.

That's what I thought. And sir, if you took the word 'draft' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

Amused, the major answers, 'Drat' I guess.

And sir, if you took the word 'lieutenant' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

The major says, There is no 'f' in lieutenant.

That's what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin' lieutenant.

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '

**WHACK**...**she spanks him**

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

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Joke from Spain (forgive my English)

There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.

"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.

The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."

"And?" She asks.

"And I did!"

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Do you drink beer?

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
…correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
What color is your Ferrari?

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My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

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A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."

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Penguin NSFW

A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A prostitute then comes in and starts to give him a fantastic blowjob. He's just about to blow his load when the prostitute gets up and leaves. The man waddles after her with his pants around his ankles. "Hey!" he shouts. "What the fuck is a penguin"?

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A nun was sitting in the bath....

....when there was a knock on the door.

Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation.

"It's the blind man," came the reply.

Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, and she told the man to come in.

A man in overalls walked in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. "Nice tits love," he said. "Where do you want your blind?"

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A man is sitting at a courthouse...

A man is sitting at a courthouse waiting for his trial after calling the Queen a swine. They finally call him, the queen is sitting at her throne, and three officials are in front of him and the man asks:

-"So I can't call the Queen a swine anymore?"

One of the officials says:

-"No you can't, and you will have to pay a fine."

The man replies:

-"Ok. But let me ask you something: If I want to call a swine "queen", is that ok ?"

-"Yes... I suppose." Says the confused official

The man looks up to the queen's throne

-"Ok then. Good bye, Queen!"

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A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

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Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...

And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!"

And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!"

And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola."

The other two turn to him like he's crazy and say, "what, you aren't going to order Guinness?"

To which he replies, "well if you two aren't going to order beer, neither am I!"

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans.

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

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My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

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A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

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Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?

Student: No

Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?

Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.

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A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car

"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy

"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.

After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"

"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"

The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"

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wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

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A woman is out buying groceries...

She buys one apple, one banana, one small milk, a frozen meal for one and one cup of instant noodles. The cashier looks at her and says "So, I suppose you're single?" The woman looks away, blushing, and answers "Yes I am. How did you know?" The cashier replies "Because you are fucking ugly."

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I recently got crushed by a pile of books,

I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.

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I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.

Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.

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A widow puts out an ad for a man...

She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her sexually. A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.

"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."

"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me sexual," she asked with a puzzled face.

"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom...

'I think it's about time we started swearing', says the 7 year old. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast - 'Oh, shit Mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops bitch'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know, but it sure as shit won't be fucking Coco Pops'.


Kinda old but i only just heard this one, gold.

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A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...

The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.

She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.

The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"

The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."

After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.

The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"

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My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with

Now she's mad at my answer.

I guess I was suppose to only say one name, not two,

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My wife has the body of a woman half her age.

I suppose I should call the police.

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A man goes to a dress up party with a woman tied to his back.

Someones asks him "why the hell is there a woman tied to your back?

The man replies "I'm suppose to be a turtle... this is Michelle".

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They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

It's been several days now, what should I do?

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Tom, Walter, and Mike are building a skyscraper...

Suddenly a stiff wind blows through and catches Tom off guard. He falls to his death. Walter and Mike rush down to the street level where a crowd has gathered around Tom's body.

"I suppose one of us should tell his wife", says Mike.

Walter sighed. "Well, I used to give him a ride home. I know where he lived and I'm good a delivering bad news. I'll do it."

So, Walter leaves Mike to help clean Tom off the sidewalk. About an hour later Walter comes back with a case of beer under his arm.

Mike says, "Hey! Where'd you get that?"

"Tom's wife gave it to me!"

"What? Why?"

"Well, when she answered the door, I asked her 'Are you Tom's widow?' She said "No, I'm not!' And I said "Bet you a case of beer you're wrong!'"

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The Blonde that wanted to prove she wasn't dumb.

A blonde woman kept getting told she was dumb because she was blonde.
She decided to dye her hair black and show people how smart she was.
She approached a farmer with a herd of sheep and asked him.

-"Sir, if i can guess how many sheep you have there, will you give me one?"

-"Well ma'am, i suppose, if you guess the exact number i'll let you have one".

-"Alright, you have 134 sheep".

-"I'll be damned, that's exactly right, well, pick the one you like".

-"THIS ONE!"

-"If i guess the natural color of your hair, can i have my dog back?"

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"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

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International Women's Day!

Today is International Women's Day... It was actually suppose to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

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I got banned from a Christian dating site

I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.

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You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

So the student later takes a quantum mechanics course and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

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"How big do you suppose that fence is?"

"I reckon that fence is around a yard."

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The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,

"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?"

"It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could."

"Could you do your job if you drank two cups of vodka"

"I guess I could."

"Could you do your job if you had three cups of vodka?"

"Well, I'm here, aren't I!?"

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I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl...

...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.

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An elderly lady went to court…

An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.
"What is it that you stole?" the judge asked her.
"Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
"Alright. How many peaches were in the can?"
"Six," she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.
"Okay. Well, I'm going to give you six days of jail, since there were six peaches in the can, okay? Does that sound fair to you?"
"Yes, Your Honor. I suppose it does."
"Your Honor!" her husband piped up. "I thought you should also know… she also stole a can of peas…"

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

A woman walks into an ice cream shop.

She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."

The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."

She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll have a quart of chocolate, please."

The guy looks back at her a bit confused, "No, I'm sorry. It's not the quantity, we are completely out of chocolate right now."

The woman says, "Oh ok... well then I suppose I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

The guy is bewildered. He responds, "Lady, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"

"Umm... Of course, S-T-R-A-W"

"Very good. Now can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"

She responds, "Well, yes... V-A-N"

He smiles and says, "Perfect. But now can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"

She furrows her brow, "But there is no 'fuck' in chocolate!"

He goes, "I know, lady that's what I've been trying to tell you!"

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So Jimmy, say I have 5 birds sitting on a porch...

Teacher says to Jimmy:

"So Jimmy, say I have 5 birds sitting on a porch and I knock one down with a stone, how many birds will be left on the porch?"
"None, Ms. Anderson. Once I knock the first one, all the others will be flying away"
"No Jimmy, the correct answer was 4, but I do like the way you think"

After a while Jimmy Raises his hand.

"Yes Jimmy?"
"Miss Anderson, say you are looking at three women eating an ice cream cone, one is licking it, one is biting it and one is sucking it. How do you tell which one's the married one?"
"Well, the one sucking it I suppose"
"No Miss Anderson, It's the one that's wearing a ring, but I do like the way you think!"

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Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes...

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
You could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

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Ferrari

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20
years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

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Mahatma Gandhi...

...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."

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"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"

"Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

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A boy asks his father the differences between realistic and hypothetical situations?

The father says, "Ok son, firstly go ask your mother if she would have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars, then ask your sister if she would sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and lastly ask your brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." The boy goes to his mother and the answer she gives is, "of course I would have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars." The boy goes to his sister and she says, "of course I would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Finally, the boy goes to his brother and his brother says "yeah I suppose I would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, that is a lot of money." The boy goes back to his father and reports back what everyone has said to him. The father says, "well son hypothetically we are sitting on three million dollars right now. Realistically we live with two whores and a faggot."

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Over the counter

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the Pharmacist " I've heard a lot about that Viagra stuff does it really work" the pharmacist says "yea it works great" the guy asks "do you think I can get it over the counter" the pharmacist says "Well If you took enough I suppose you could". knee slap

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A man sees a woman in a bar...

A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."

The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"

The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.

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I walked out of my local shop today...

...and outside was a tramp. Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."

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My gay friend told me his old boyfriend never played with his balls, but his new one just can't stop playing with them

I told him "I suppose one man's junk is another mans treasure"

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There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".

I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.

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There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people

Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.

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A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late...

The boy replied "Sorry sir, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down.

Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied "sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane.

Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied "No sir, I am Abbey Lane"

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My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt."

I suppose she has a point, I really should make an effort to learn her mother's real name.

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I know they are supposed to keep my closet fresh, but moth balls smell terrible.

It's not worth spreading their tiny, insect legs apart to smell them either.

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A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had sex in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have Chinaman Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.

He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have Chinaman Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.

6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have Chinaman Charlie though".

Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and Chinaman Charlie, right?"

"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.

"Chinaman Charlie doesn't swing that way either".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...

...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"

She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."

Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Late one evening, a Cab driver picks up a nun...

While driving her he says sister, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I've always fantasised about being with a nun . The nun says oh, you and everyone else! I don't suppose do you happen to be a Catholic by any chance? . The cab driver says yes, i am . The nun tells the cab driver to pull over, gets in the front of the cab and gives him the best blowjob he has ever had. Afterwards, the driver says sister, that was amazing, but I have a confession to make: I'm not catholic . The nun says don't worry about it, my name's Ralph and I'm on my way to a costume party

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Brainless Lawyers

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband takes his wife to the pub

A nagging wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as you I suppose," she replies.

The husband orders a couple of straight whiskies and throws his down in one gulp. His wife watches him, takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck, it's horrible," she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink that stuff!"
"Well there you go," cries the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The teacher told the kid to ask his dad about the government.

Kid goes home and asks his dad -
"What is the government?"

The dad replied -
"Suppose I am the president, your mother is the congress, the maid is the workforce and your younger brother is the future"

and then, he leaves the room. Later at night, the kid heard his younger brother screaming. He wakes up to check out his brother and saw that his brother has shitted on his pants. The kid immediately runs up to his parents bedroom and through the keyhole, he saw that his mother was asleep and his dad was not in the room, he goes to call the maid and saw that his dad was screwing the maid and then he said -

"Oh, now I get it! The president is screwing the workforce, the congress is asleep and the future is full of shit"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Where does a Jew with ADHD go?

a Concentration Camp.

(It flared it religion when its suppose to be a pun?)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I know I'm not supposed to judge people by race...

But I fucking hate marathon runners.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A kid calls in a police station.

The officer picks up.
Kid: Hi. Do you have a gun?
Officer: Yes.
Kid: Shove it up your ass then! Disconnects
Furious, the officer calls back to that number. This time a lady picks up.
Officer: Your kid just called here and asked me to shove my gun up my ass.
Lady: Really? How much time has it been?
Officer: Around 5 minutes I suppose.
Lady: Oh come on officer, take it out now, you're a grown man, don't take the kid so seriously!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed

Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?

Floyd Mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep

Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?

Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bar Joke with Angry Wife

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly sceptical.

The man leaves and enters again with the biggest newt the bartender had ever seen. It was almost a meter long and the bartender was shocked silent.

"This is my newt: Tiny." The man tells the bartender.

"Tiny? But it's massive!" The bartender says in shock.

"He's called Tiny because he's my newt."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Some people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates.

A group of people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is confused, as no one from Detroit has ever arrived there. He leaves to speak to God.

"There are some people from Detroit here. What should I do?"

God thinks for a moment. "The usual, I suppose. Ask what they've done to get into Heaven."

Saint Peter goes back to question the people, but comes running back moments afterword.

"They're gone!" He exclaims.

"The people?" Asks God.

"No, the Pearly Gates!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After a few more drinks and some good conversation...

A man walks up the the bartender at a local pub and orders a beverage. After a few more drinks and some good conversation with the bartender the man asks, "Hey barkeep, You want to make a bet?"

The bartender shrugs and responds, "It all depends on the bet, I suppose..."

The man says, "I bet $500 that if you slide a beer mug from end to end on the bar I can stand on the bar and piss in it without getting a single drop on the bar."

To which the bartender chuckled and says confidently, "You've got no chance... You're on!"

After the two shake hands, the man stands on the bar and takes his aim as the bartender slides the empty mug. The man somehow managed to miss the mug entirely and piss all over the bar...

The man, smiling radiantly, then gets down from the bar and pays the $500 to the bartender.

The bartender asks, "What are you so happy about, you just lost $500?!"

The man responds, "See that guy at the corner booth? I bet him $1500 that I could piss all over your bar and make you happy about it..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman goes to a sleazy doctor complaining that she doesn't feel very well...

Before she can say any more, he tells her to go into the other room, strip off and lay down on the bed. When he comes in, he's so taken with her beauty that he immediately starts to fondle her whole body.
Don't worry, this is quite normal, he says. I expect you know what I'm doing?
I suppose you're checking for anything unusual, she replies.
That's right, he responds, and then quick as lightning he strips off, lays on top of her and starts making love.
Do you know what I'm doing now? he asks.
Oh yes, she replies calmly. You're getting herpes. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The man with the huge orange head

A man walks into a bar and he looks around
he sees this man sitting in the corner with this huge orange head.
So he goes up to the bartender and he says
"so what's up with the guy with the giant orange head"
the bartender replies "oh if you buy him a drink hell probably tell you all about it"
so he buys the guy a drink and goes to sit with him.
The guy with the orange head says "so I suppose you want to know about my head"
and so he tells him
and he says
"one day I was walking along the beach
when I found this gold bottle,
I rubbed it and a genie came out,
the genie said for saving me from the bottle you get three wishes
so the first wish he wished for unlimited money,
I got that and it was good,
then I wished for a super model as a wife
and that was all good"
then the man said "and then my third wish, that's where i went wrong,
I wished for a huge orange head"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 Blonds go hiking

2 Blonds go hiking. Knee deep in jungle, one blond says she has to take a shit, but forgot to walk with toilet paper. The other blond says, do you have a dollar? " yes " says the first blond. well use the dollar then, says the second blond. a few minutes later, the first blond comes out from a shurg of bush with shit all over her hands was well as her clothes. What happened, says the second blond? i thought you had a dollar to use? of course, says the other blond, but how was i suppose to use 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel to wipe my ass without getting shit everywhere?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
Why did 7 eat 9?
You're suppose to have 3 squared meals a day!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fidel Castro just passed away...

...I suppose Black Friday was too MUCH capitalism for him.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In April of 1620, it rained. That same year, the Pilgrims arrived.

I suppose the saying is true. April showers bring Mayflowers.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi Asked a priest:

>Could you ever be promoted in your church?

The priest answered,

>Well, I could become a bishop

The Rabbi asked,

>And then?

The preist said,

>Well, I suppose I could even be an archbishop

The rabbi said,

>And if you were to be promoted again?

The priest answered,

>Well, then I would be a cardinal

The rabbi inquired once again, to which the priest answered,

>I could become the Pope

The rabbi asked,

>And then?

The priest threw up his hands and said,

>what more could I become?
God himself?!

The rabbi calmly replied,

>One of our boys made it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man comes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers...

"I suppose I'll have to keep my legs open for the next few days!" The wife says.

The husband replies, "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An angry wife was complaining about her husband...

.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Trump & Trudeau

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says:

Donald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator.

Justin: Yea, I suppose so Donald.

Donald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch.

Justin: That's also true Don, but I hate to break it to you, the US is a Country.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted...

Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."

Gaton "ought to, uh?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...

Wife: I suppose I will

Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I'm gone

Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.

Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?

Wife: Well, I'd probably donate them to a church or goodwill I think. Maybe I'll keep a shirt or two for their sentimental value.

Husband: Yeah, of course donating them is probably best... what about my golf clubs? Do you think your next husband will use those?

Wife: Of course not, he's left handed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ethics done right

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm here to see the doctor.

Secretary: Which doctor?

I suppose, if the real doctor is booked.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Heaven

There is a Jew, a Baptist, and a Christian waiting in line at the pearly gates. The Jew walks up to St. Peter. St. Peter says "You are in room 4, but when you walk past room 1 please be quiet." So the Jew walks quietly down the hall to his room. The Baptist goes next. St. Peter says "You are in room 5, but when you go past room 1 please be quiet." So the Baptist does what he is suppose to do and enters his room. Next the Christian walks up to St. Peter. St. Peter says "Go to room 6, but please be quiet when walking past room 1." The Christian leans in towards Peter and ask "Why? What is in room 1?" Peter replies "Oh, that's were the Catholics are, and they think they are the only ones up here."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An older couple on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary

An older couple is sitting down to breakfast on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says "Honey, we were wild and crazy when we were newlyweds. What do you suppose we were doing on the morning after we were married 50 years ago?"
The husband says "We were probably sitting around naked at the breakfast table."
"Why don't we do that now? You know...for old times sake?" says the wife. The husband agrees and they both strip and sit back at the table.
The wife leans over and says "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago."

The husband says "Of course they are. One's in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,

"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."

"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My diseased eagle has been banned by the government.

I suppose that makes it

an illegal ill eagle.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three ducks in a pond

There were three ducks in the pond that all got arrested. On their day in court the first duck approaches the bench.

The judge askes: "what were you doing in the public pond?"
Duck 1: "I was only blowing bubbles"
Judge: "Well you can't do that so I will give you 3 days in jail and $50 fine."

Duck 2 approaches the bench...
Judge: "Why did you get arrested in the public pond?"
Duck 2: "I too was blowing bubbles in the pond your honor."
Judge: "Well I'm sorry but your going to get the same 3 days in jail and $50 fine."

The third and last duck approaches the bench and judge asks.. "I suppose you were blowing bubbles in the pond as well?" The duck replies.. "No sir I am Bubbles"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Snow White and the seven dwarfs go to see the pope.

Snowhite and the seven dwarfs go to see the pope. As Snow White talks to the pope, the dwarfs push Dopey in front and whisper, "Ask the question, Dopey, ask the question!" Dopey blushes, but the pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me a question?"

"Well, uhm... do you think they have *nuns* in *Iceland?*"

"Why sure", the pope goes, "I suppose there are some nuns in Iceland." But the dwarfs push Dopey in front again: "Ask the *whole* question, ask the *whole* question!" The pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me another question?"

"Yeah... do you think they have *black* nuns in Iceland?"

"I suppose there are some black nuns in iceland", answers the pope. "Ask the *whole* question, ask the *whole* question!" go the dwarfs. "Dopey, do you have another question for me?"

"Err, yes... do you think they have *little* black nuns in Iceland?"

The pope muses over this a bit, but finally decides "Nah... I really don't think they have little black nuns in Iceland."

And the dwarfs go: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde and her friend were standing on the street talking..

The blonde's friend sees her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop with a big bunch of flowers and says, "Oh yeah, I suppose he expects me to spend the whole night on my back with my legs in the air now!"

The blonde says, "Why, do you not own a vase?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Male logic!! is it working?

MALE LOGIC
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per
beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been
drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3
beers a day,
which puts your spending each
month at $450.
In one year, it would be
approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400,
the past 20 years puts your spending
at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink
so much beer,
you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari ?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old man and an old woman are sitting a watching a movie...

When the old man says to the old lady "You know, I miss it when my wife used to hold my dick when we'd watch movies together because her hands were so warm and it brought warmth down there."

The old lady says "I suppose I could do that if you promise not to tell anyone about it"

The old man smiles and says "I promise."

The next few weeks pass without incident... then suddenly, the old lady finds the old man with another old lady and finds her hands in his pants while *they're* watching a movie... she's gets really frustrated and says furiously "What does she have that I don't?!"

The old man smiles and says "Parkinson's."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sometimes the same word means different things to different people.

Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to "secure the building."

After a short while, the Marines report back, "We have destroyed the building."

Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."

Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day."

Air Force: "We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I want to hear other people's funny Lemericks. Get creative and have some fun with it. Maybe a little NSFW...

I suppose I'll start it off. I came up with this one today.

"There once was a fellow named Earl, who wanted to have sex with a girl.
Along came this chick, who sucked off his dick and he gave her a necklace of pearls."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I hate Christmas.

I work throughout the year to afford gifts, and the fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit.

Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My cheap laminated countertop just collapsed

I suppose I always took it for granite.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was suppose to write a sodium joke...

But Na

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mathematician a physicist and an engineer...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a cow and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the dimensions of the cow and evaluated a very complicated integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the cow inside and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked at the cow and said, let's suppose the cow is a sphere.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bartender is about to close up for the night...

When a tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick. Confused, he agrees and tells him to get gone as he wants to get home. As one tramp leaves, another one enters and asks for a tooth pick. Again the bartender gives him one and tells him to leave. As this tramp he leaves another one enters and he shouts, "I suppose you want a toothpick as well do you!?" he replies
"no a straw"
The bartender says, "A straw? why a straw?"
The tramp says "some drunk has threw up outside and the other two got all of the good bits".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

We're supposed to get snow,

But right now it's still up in the air.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've had enough of Christmas!

All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids asked for, and what happens on Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it.

Still, I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I met my girlfriends dad last weekend, he told me "Anything you do to my daughter ill do to you on my front lawn!"

I said "I suppose you'll be buying me dinner on your front lawn?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Need a boobjob?

Wife: "Honey, I need money for a boobjob."


Husband: "Sorry Hon, but can't you just wipe your chest with a toilet paper?"


Wife: "How's that suppose to make my boobs bigger?"


Husband: "Well Hon, it worked on your ass."





πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do you want to hear me count from one to one hundred?

One... Two... One Hundred!

My four year old just made this up as I was putting him to bed. I know it's a terrible pun... takes after his old man, I suppose!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did 7 8 9?

Because you're supposed to have 3 square meals a day.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why aren't you supposed to help sick birds?

It's ill eagle

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Half as mad

A teacher from primary school asks Peter a question,

Teacher: "Peter; suppose that a car is moving at a speed of 100 mph suddenly brakes and the driver flies out through the windshield at a certain force and lands on the road. What would be my age?"

Peter thought for a moment and replied,

Peter: " Sir, you would be 40 years old."

The teacher; perplexed looked at Peter and asked how could he guess his exact age.

Peter: "Sir, I have an older sister aged 20 and she is half as mad as you."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The son of a terrorist....

A teenage son of a terrorist was busted by his dad for skipping school.
"Farhad, why did you not attend school today?"
"Well," the boy said, "all my friends skipped school--"
"Ach! Farhad, must you always do what your friends do? I suppose if your friends wanted to live long, prosperous lives of peace and tranquility, you'd do that too, right?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man takes a bunch of flowers home

Man takes a bunch of flowers home for his wife.

She says ""I suppose I will have to spread my legs now".

He says "Why, haven't you got a vase"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay...

I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay, as several times today I've caught him looking down toward my balls and checking out my arse.

My skirt is a bit short, I suppose.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know you're supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't.

I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

You are not supposed to twist measuring sticks to measure curves

But I've always been willing to bend the rulers

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar and is appproached by a woman

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: Rs. 300 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs Rs. 300 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at Rs. 27,000. In one year, it would be approximately Rs. 3,24,000 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend Rs. 3,24,00 , not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at Rs. 64,80,000 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?
..

Woman:
No

Man: Then where's your Ferrari?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I can see two years into the future.

I suppose you could call it '2020' vision.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There is something that I am not supposed to do near a hot stove

but I just can't put my finger on it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Supposedly this joke was rated the funniest joke in a survey of British people...

Patient: Doctor, last night, I made Freudian slip. I was sitting at the dinner table next to my mother-in-law. I turned to her and I meant to say,"Please pass the salt", but instead I said "You fat cow, you've ruined my life".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2man Team

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man looks around the football stadium to find a good seat. He sees a man sitting next to an empty seat in the front row. He walks up to the man.

Hello, I need a seat, is this one taken?
Not anymore, it's was suppose to be my wife's.
Why isn't she here?
She died.
I'm sorry for your loss but why not give the seat to another family member or friend?
They're all at her funeral.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Could eating a lot of spaghetti make me a better dad?

I suppose it's pastable.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's supposed to be funny, but let's you down?

This joke...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is watching a movie at a movie theater.

Suddenly, he has a tremendous urge to pass gas and wants to do it silently. Fortunately, there is a scene on the screen with a freight train going by, and he lets out a big one. After he does his business and the train passes, the guy next to him turns to him and asks,

"Excuse me sir, but do you suppose the last two cars were carrying shit?"

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I once met Bruce Willis

I once met Bruce Willis at a fancy dress party. He was wearing a really shabby looking nun outfit. I was told that he'd worn the same costume to every fancy dress party he'd attended for years. I suppose old habits die hard.

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A new private arrives at an army base

The major in charge asks him if he has reported to his lieutenant.

The private replies, "there isn't one, Sir"

The major says, "No, you must report to him."

"Sir, may I ask you a question?"

"All right"

"Suppose you take 'rifle' and remove the 'f'. What remains?"

The major replies, "Rile, I suppose."

"And what if you removed the 'f' from 'draft'?"

"I guess it would be 'drat' then."

"And what about from 'lieutenant'?"

Confused, the major responds, "but there's no 'f' in 'lieutenant'."

The private replies, "that's what I've been telling you the whole timeβ€”there is no effin' lieutenant!"



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I've been told I've got terrible body odor.

I suppose I do need to bury the corpses sometime.

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Three questions to a lawyer . . .

A man called up a lawyer and asked: How much would you charge to answer three questions?

The lawyer thinks for a moment and said: Two thousand dollars plus tax.

TWO THOUSAND! cries the man. That's a bit expensive, isn't it?

Yes, I suppose it is, said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: So what's your third question?

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A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month cattle drive, asks the barman for 4 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"We still ain't got no girls here, but Pretty Larry is still out back in the alley, if'n yer desperate enough."

"Not yet. . ." says the cowboy.

The next time, the cowboy walks in after a 6 month cattle drive. He asks for 6 shots and a pretty prostitute.

"Still no girls," says the barman, "I don't suppose yer desperate enough for ol' Pretty Larry in the back alley?"

"Well. . ." says the cowboy, "as long as we can keep it a secret I suppose I *am* desperate enough this time."

"Oh sure!" says the barman, "No one will know 'cept me, you, Larry, Jim, and Roy."

"Who're Jim and Roy??" asks the cowboy.

The barman says, "They're the ones who hold Larry down."

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I think elephants are overprotected

But I suppose it's easy for me to say that from my ivory tower.

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That fat bastard with the beard gets all the credit

I work my fingers to the bone to give my children everything they want for Christmas and for what? On Christmas day that fat bastard with the beard gets all the credit, mind you, i suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.

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Pricey set of teeth

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a gift shop during her honeymoon in India.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Crocodile teeth" the salesman beamed.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that crocodile teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us"

"Of course not!" he objected.

"Anybody can open an oyster"

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I was a little disappointed that my friend decided to bring a hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

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I was wondering why a fire truck was in front of a theater close to me last night...

I suppose it was Catching Fire

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I'm convinced my dad does the ultimate dad joke

Whenever we are at a restaurant and my dad ends up with baby corn on his plate he waits for the waiter to come back and he takes the baby corn and eats it as it were a corn on the cob and asks, "Is this how you're suppose to eat it?" Usually this happens at some sort of Asian restaurant and the Asian waiter is very confused and awkwardly smiles. The rest of my family always fear there will be baby corn on his plate when we go out but once the plate comes, we know theres no stopping it.

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Harley Davidson dies and goes to heaven...

He was met at the gate by saint Peter. He said to Harley your not suppose to be here, your supposed to be in hell. Harley said no I'm not I want to see the boss. Saint Peter takes Harley to see God. Harley says to God I'm suppose to be up here not in hell. Oh Harley you invented the motorbike, I'm an inventor too. I invented man and woman.
Harley said I know with the male you made the perfect model, with the female you made the inlet valve to close to the outlet valve.
God said maybe so but a lot more people rides my model than yours.

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A married couple goes to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

The doctor comes in and tells her, "I've got good news and bad news" Worried, the woman asks for the bad news first. He says, "I'm sorry but your baby was born a ginger." The woman responds,"That is bad news, but I suppose I can get used to it. What's the good news?"

"It's dead!"

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Wife: He made two fat jokes yesterday.

Husband: I don't recall this, that's a lie!

Therapist: Why would she remember then you making them?

Husband: Elephants never forget I suppose.

Therapist: Savage.

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I find younger girls seem to make more noise in the bedroom...

I suppose they are not expecting to see a man outside their window.

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If you are not supposed to abuse cough syrup,

Then why does it come with a plastic shot glass?

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We're supposed to lose all the trees by 2020

but if we work hard, we can make it by 2018.

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A man was sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. Suddenly, the Pope turns to the man and asks, "My son, do you know a four letter word referring to a woman?"

The man, having just gotten out of a terrible relationship, could easily think of one, but he knew the Pope wouldn't appreciate it. Instead, he says, "Father, the word you are looking for is 'aunt'."

"Ah," said the Pope. "I don't suppose you have an eraser?"

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I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up.

I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type.

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A 5 year old and 3 year old - Best Joke EU

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

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You are now not supposed to give breaths while doing CPR

Because of inflation

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A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

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Why did 7 8 9?

Because you're supposed to have three square meals a day.

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What are the best Suppose puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Suppose? Well, here are the best jokes about Suppose to have fun with.

Joko Jokes