Support Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

Why can't Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.

Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"

After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"

A dramatic silence prevails

After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."


(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

I'm just back from Walt Disney world so....

Micky Mouse wants a divorce.

Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...

I said she was fucking Goofy!

I'm in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words,

I'm for joint support for joint support for joint support.

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

I was talking to my grandfather

When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.

The bravest thing I ever did

I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.

I waited over an hour to speak.

Heard all the stories.

Finally it was my turn.

"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.

Everyone nodded.

"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We'd better get some support or people will think we're nuts.

Programming is like sex.

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If communism doesn't work, why do so many people still support it?

They don't work either.

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

People that can't support their own arguments piss me off...

I don't know why.

If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me...

And then plug me back in. See if that works.

What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"Man, if we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."

So I've got some buddies...

They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical marijuana to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.

Your generation relies too much on technology.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug...

Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.

This morning I went to my support group for premature ejaculation.

Turns out the meeting is tomorrow.

"Your generation is too reliant on technology," my grandfather said to me.

"No, YOUR generation is too reliant on technology!" I said as I pulled the plug of his life support in order to further prove my point.

My grandfather's last words..

My Grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

I created an Erectile Dysfunction support group once,

But it flopped,
Nobody came

What's the difference between a philosophy major and a picnic table?

A picnic table can support a family.

What did the right boob say to the left boob?

If we don't get some support around here, people are going to think we're nuts.

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

Our motto is: "Hang in there, we can beat it."

I went to a support group for premature ejaculation yesterday.

I wasn't sure what to wear, so I came in my pants.

My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology.

I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

What has four wheels and can't support a family?

A liberal arts major.

I lied about the wheels.

I went to my premature ejaculation support group tonight....

Turns out it's tomorrow

What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

I treat my family like dogs.

With financial support and unconditional love.

I only knock up anti-vaxxers.

Better to pay 4 years of child support than 18.

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My child support checks.

There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthiritis.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

I wonder if mormons support the transgendered?

If they did, they could go on a transmission!

-- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast

My grandpa always had it had on my generation...

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

I then proceeded to unplug his life support.

A Blonde calls tech support

She is told that in order to get help, they need her password.
She says that the password is "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had chosen such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

I go to a muscular dystrophy support group.

We meet weakly.

I'll never forget my grandpas last words...

Quit messing around with my life support cord you twat

My grandpa told me

My grandpa told me: "Your generation relies too much on technology".
So I replied: "No , your generation relies too much on technology" as I unplugged his life support.

Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group

I see a lot of new faces around

There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients.

In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

What's the most-clicked link on the Alzheimer's support website?

Forgot Your Password?

I joined an alcoholism support group.

It was a total bait-and-switch; every motherfucker there was *against* my alcoholism!

I got into a big argument with my girlfriend and she screamed, "You're just using me for sex!"

I replied, "Well what you expect?"

"Love and support!" She shouted in response.

"You're just using me for love and support!" I yelled.

I'm hosting a support group for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know

What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

If we don't get some support soon people are gonna start thinking we're nuts

Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Husband in coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

God will provide

My daughter brought her fiancΓ©e home to meet her mother and me. I asked the young man, "How do you intend to support my daughter?"

He replied, "Well, sir, I didn't go to college and have had trouble finding a job but I know that God will provide."

I then asked, "Do you have any savings that you can live on until you get on your feet?"

He answered, "Unfortunately, no sir. I haven't a penny to my name, but I'm sure that God will provide."

Finally, I asked, "Can you ask your family for financial assistance to help you through the early days of your marriage?"

"No sir. My family has barely enough money to pay their own bills. But I'm sure that God will provide for me and your daughter."

I left him to go find my wife and report back on our conversation. "So how'd it go?" she asked. I replied, "Well the bad news is he hasn't got a pot to piss in. The good news is he thinks I'm God."

There's a support group dedicated to those addicted to plastic surgery...

The leader walks in and says "Wow, I see a lot of new faces. I have to say I'm disappointed!"

I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.Β 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.Β 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.Β 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.Β 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.Β 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.Β 

Women blink twice as often as men.Β 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.Β 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.Β 


Men
are still busy checking their thumbs.

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, seΓ±or, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me...

"no the top one is your iphone charger, the bottom one is my life support." or something like that.

The Princess Bride is bull

When Wesley spends five years building up an immunity to iocane powder, it's romantic and we should idolize him.

But when I do it with rum, I'm an "alcoholic who needs to pay his goddamn child support."

Devoted wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.


When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day.


When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.


"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what? "


"What, dear? " his wife asked gently.


"I think you bring me bad luck. "

My grandfather told me my generation is too dependent on technology.

I said, "No grandpa, your generation is too dependent on technology." Then I unplugged his life support.

Always there for you.

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Yo momma is so big that...

I had to format my NTFS drive to a different file system to support her pictures

What do you call a support group for compulsive talkers?

On and on anon.

An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane...

The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", grabs the Englishman and throws him out.

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

I got in trouble at work for suggesting Saloon Doors on the Gender Neutral Bathroom

I just wanted to show my support for swinging both ways

Spaghetti

For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

I can't support building a wall to keep out illegal immigrants.

It's borderline racist.

Programming is like sex

One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.

Dads

(Dad support group)
Hi, I'm dad
"Hi dad, I'm dad"
*room breaks into laughter*
*dads starts building a shed together*

I went to a premature ejaculation support group meeting, but no one was there.

I guess I came too early.

What are the funniest support jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Support? Well, here are the best Support puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Support pick up lines to share with friends.

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