Supermarket Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"



" - Gold, obviously!"



" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

Looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

Marriage jokes

Marriage jokes
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? Why? Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my ass?"
She stares at him and says, "No, I'm your daughters teacher!"

A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

A man, whilst in a supermarket, approaches a woman he's never met before."Er Hello, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks. "You see, I've lost my wife...

"Yes, If you want, but why in the world do you want to speak to me?"

He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere..."

Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

Two friends were talking

And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

'I had sex with my teacher.'

'But I thought you were homeschooled...'

'Yeah...'

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

A little Muslim kid gets lost in a supermarket..

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

A man went to the supermarket to buy some condoms

Cashier: Do you need a bag?

Man: Nah, she's not that ugly...

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Two men!

Two men bump each other unconsciously at the supermarket and one of them says:

I'm sorry, I didn't notice you there because I can't find my wife

Oh, really? I'm searching for my wife as well!

Oh, tell me how does your wife looks like to see if I can help you out

Well, she is 1.80m, blonde, slim, angelic face, D cup breasts. What about your wife?

Forget about mine, let's search for your wife

What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket?

Cut in line.

My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

A man goes shopping...

...to the supermarket. At the cashier, there is a pretty long queue. In the queue next to him, a hot blonde smiles at him. The dude says:

"Hmm, do we know each other?"

"I'm not sure, but I think you might just be the father of one of my kids!"

The guy thinks about the only time he's been unfaithful and exclaims:

"Oh my god, are you the stripper I fucked on the pool table during my bachelor's party in front of all my friends while your co-workers spanked me with a stick and put a cucumber up my ass?"

The hot blonde answers:

"No... I'm your son's English teacher, sir..."

Troll Milkman

A guy goes to the supermarket and sees a guy selling milk. He asks "How much?" So the milkman tells him "$3 for 1 bottle & $10 for 3 bottles". The buyer thinks this is a retard scheme so he buys a bottle for $3, then another bottle for $3, then another for $3. Then he tells the milkman "I just bought 3 bottles for $9" so the milkman says "This is how I trick people into buying 3 bottles when they could've just bought 1"

I think you are the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?

She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?

No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher

A man goes up to a hot girl

A man goes up to a hot girl in the supermarket and says, I've lost my wife somewhere. Can you talk to me for a few minutes? The woman is confused and asks, Why talk to me?

The guy says, Because every time I talk to a hot woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

I wanted to see if I could become invisible to others

So I stood in the doorway of a supermarket holding a charity tin.

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

A couple was having a party at their house.

An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket

calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking
stuff, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when you're out in public."
"Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"
"Lard ass."

Half a head of cabbage..

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, Sir" the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

Father of one of my kids.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Is it Scotch?

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,"Champagne?
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'

I was standing in line at the supermarket checkout last week.

I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar. I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids."

I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow! We got so high together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch."

She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher."

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

Goodbye Mother.

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:

"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.

"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"

"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

Do I Know You?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids! Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? She looks into his eyes and says calmly, No, I'm your son's teacher.

You must be single.

A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."

Well this is weird......

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Are you the father of one of my kids?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and saying hello.
He's rather taken aback because he cant even place where he knows her from but, because she is so beautiful, he goes over and asks ' Do you know me?'
The woman replies 'I think you are the father of one of my kids'
Startled, the man's mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks "Oh my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching and cheering, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"


The woman looks into his eyes and calmly replies "No I'm your son's maths teacher"

Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

You must be single.

A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.

1 head of lettuce

A bag of flour

4 oranges

A loaf of bread

A pack of toilet paper

A flat of water

And two pounds of ground beef.

The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:

"You must be single!"

The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:

"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"

Slurring his words, the man replies:

"Cuz' yer ugly."

Bartering Australian style

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me...

She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from.

So I asked, "Do you know me?"

To which she replied, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into my eyes and said calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A young man shopping in a supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

shoplifting

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

A male dumb blond joke.

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!" The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker." Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car" he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blond, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber." I have to laugh every time I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

A blind man and his guide dog go into a supermarket

He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.

The manager runs to him and asks what he's doing...?

"Just having a look around thanks" he replies.

Three men were in a cafe, talking about their dogs..

First man says: "My dog is so smart if I give some some money he can go the nearest supermarket and buy me some drink.

Second man says: "My dog is so smart that if I give him money, he will buy whatever I want from him and he will return with the change and the receipt.

Both the first and second man turn their head to the third man, who was quiet and was grinning.

Third man says: "My dog works as cashier there."


^^Note: ^^Sorry ^^for ^^the ^^grammatical ^^errors

I went to the super market today

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

Parking Tickets

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

What are the funniest supermarket jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Supermarket? Well, here are the best Supermarket puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Supermarket pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes