The Best 67 Supermarket Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Supermarket jokes. There are some supermarket mart jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these supermarket local supermarket puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Supermarket Jokes and Puns

Battery

An old woman mistook me for an employee at the supermarket.

She asked, "how much does just one AA battery cost?"

I had one in my pocket, but it was dead. I handed it over and said, "Here, no charge."

My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'

Supermarket joke, A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."


So I was walking past my local supermarket the other day and a man started to throw cheese, butter and milk at me.

How dairy.

Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

Supermarket joke, Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

Two old guys in a supermarket wandering about, looking lost...

One says to the other "Lost the other half?"

"Yup" he replies.

"Me too. Let's join forces to find them. What does yours look like?"

"She's 25, six foot blonde, 36 double-D, long boots and a short skirt".

"Good. We'll look for yours first".

I hate shopping.

No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

It's a Saturday evening...

It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"

The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

You can explore supermarket groceries reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean supermarket items dad jokes. There are also supermarket puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

A blind man and his guide dog go into a supermarket

He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.

The manager runs to him and asks what he's doing...?

"Just having a look around thanks" he replies.

Supermarket joke, A blind man and his guide dog go into a supermarket

Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

Where in the supermarket would you find the Dalai Lama?

Eggs-aisle.

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?

She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?

No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher


I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.

" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

" - Gold, obviously!"

" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...

I asked, "Are you two an item?"

Looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

You must be single.

A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."

You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

A 5 years old girl enters the supermarket...

...grabs 4 beers and goes to the cash desk. The lady smiles at her and asks:

"Do you think you can carry all four of them all by yourself?"

The little girls thinks for a second and says:

"Yeah, you're right. I'll drink one here before I go"

What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket?

Cut in line.

A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:

'So how are you paying today?'

The dinosaur replies:

'With tyrannosaurus checks.'

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

A guy was checking out at a supermarket with an attractive young clerk.

She scanned the frozen dinners, the beer, the ramen noodles and kept giving him eyes in between each scan.

As she scanned the condoms she looks and him and says, "Single huh?"

He replies, "yea, how'd you know?"

She says, "Because you're ugly."

What should pianists take with them to the supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt.

I wanted to see if I could become invisible to others

So I stood in the doorway of a supermarket holding a charity tin.

My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

A man goes up to a hot girl

A man goes up to a hot girl in the supermarket and says, I've lost my wife somewhere. Can you talk to me for a few minutes? The woman is confused and asks, Why talk to me?

The guy says, Because every time I talk to a hot woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

A man went to the supermarket to buy some condoms

Cashier: Do you need a bag?

Man: Nah, she's not that ugly...

A little Muslim kid losts his mom at the supermarket

The assisant asks him: "What does your mom look like?"

The kid says: "I have no idea"

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

Two friends were talking

And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

'I had sex with my teacher.'

'But I thought you were homeschooled...'

'Yeah...'

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."

A couple was having a party at their house.

An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don't know how they sleep at night

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

A man approached a very beautiful woman

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket.

You're LGBT, right? I asked.

You forgot about the 'Q', they replied bluntly.

No, I said, you did.

They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on.

Warning.

Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.

And came home with two cases of beer.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

But I'm a college graduate! the young man replied indignantly.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how...

A guy comes home with two black eyes.

A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her butt crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punched me in the face.

He wife then looks at him confused and says: that explains one black eye, but not the other.

He then says: well, based on her reaction I assumed she wanted it that way, so I put it back.

Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps

But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more…

I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me farted.

Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

Blundered at the supermarket earlier, went in for 6 cans of Sprite

picked 7up

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's Good Friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? .

So I turned it into wine...

Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happened to me monday, two times tuesday and again yesterday

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They're trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pears.

I don't get toilet roll there anymore.

I bumped into a guy in a supermarket yesterday.

He cursed me and told me not to walk like an idiot.

I told him, I'm sorry, but I haven't possessed a human body in a long time.

The look on his face was priceless.

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don't get why she's mad?

When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes ...

I think they were an item.

Misunderstanding.

A man in the supermarket sees a woman across the aisle looking at him, so he goes over and says "do i know you"? She says "you're the father of one of my children". He panics and thinks about the only time he cheated on his wife. "Are you the stripper at that party who had sex with me on the pool table while everyone stood around cheering". "No", she says, looking horrified "i'm your sons teacher".

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"



He says,



"Because you're ugly."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the supermarket greengrocer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working supermarket superstore piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes