Supermarket Jokes
152 supermarket jokes and hilarious supermarket puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about supermarket that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this hilarious collection of jokes about supermarkets and grocery shopping. From Iceland supermarkets to supermarket aisles and trolleys, get ready for a good laugh! Groceries have never been funnier. Grab your dividers and get ready for a Supermarket Sweep!
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Funniest Supermarket Short Jokes
Short supermarket jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The supermarket humour may include short grocery store jokes also.
- They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
- A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull. I don't know how these people can sleep at night.
- Scene at the supermarket... Customer: Pardon me, but are these vegetables genetically modified?
Clerk: No, sir. Why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask? - I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area, Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
- I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars. Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.
- I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied.. "We're already open till 10 most nights. "
- I'm feeling sad because I went to the supermarket today for the sale they had on ginger ale but they were dumping all their stock into a hydraulic crusher out back. It was soda pressing.
- There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me! Real mature.
- Republicans in Congress have proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country They want to Make America Grate Again.
- I wanted to see if I could become invisible to others So I stood in the doorway of a supermarket holding a charity tin.
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Supermarket One Liners
Which supermarket one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with supermarket? I can suggest the ones about grocery and department store.
- What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket? Cut in line.
- I got a job at an Indian supermarket. Finally got me a naan to five.
- What should pianists take with them to the supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
- Where in the supermarket would you find the Dalai Lama? Eggs-aisle.
- I like going to the supermarket... because the cashier is always checking me out.
- I'm so fat... ...my favorite super hero is the supermarket.
- The supermarket ran out of soup. They were out of stock.
- What's it called when you drop a steak in the supermarket? Ground beef...
- What do you call a Muslim father who works at a supermarket? a Baghdad
- What do you call a moth in a supermarket? I can't believe it's not butterfly.
- I was too late for the ribeye special at the supermarket. Such a big missed steak.
- Why wasn't the alien allowed into the supermarket? He told them he came in peas.
- Who's the artist you find in the supermarket? Salvador Deli
- Man caught pinching loaf at local supermarket.
- What modern tribe of men takes their young daughter hunting. The Supermarket tribe.
Supermarket Shopping Jokes
Here is a list of funny supermarket shopping jokes and even better supermarket shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hate shopping. No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!
- Blind guy walks into a supermarket... Starts swinging his dog around his head.
Shop keeper says: "What're you doing?"
Blind guy says "just having a look around"
Cr - Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons".
I guess it was the honey dew list. - I went shopping . . . I went to the supermarket to get some groceries. When I got to the dairy section, they only had one piece of cheese left.
It was provolone. - I was shopping at the supermarket today Sounds like they were performing an exorcism on aisle six.
- I went to the supermarket today and got one of those shopping carts with the spinny wheel. I was forced to shop in circles for hours.
Local Supermarket Jokes
Here is a list of funny local supermarket jokes and even better local supermarket puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I forgot to wear a mask in the local supermarket. The manager told me to never show my face there again.
- Me and my best friend went to the local supermarket... He started to throw the milk and cheese all over the aisle. I thought, how dairy?
- I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".
- I went on a couple of dates last week at the local supermarket. The grocer was outraged, and said I destroyed his fruits.
- I went to my local supermarket I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married."
- Where did zimbabweans get their food before they started hunting and foraging? At a local supermarket
- I just learned that my local supermarket stopped selling my favorite cheese They cut the cheese and it stinks.
- My local supermarket is selling Star Wars-themed cereal... They really are trying to milk the franchise for all its worth.
- My girlfriend just told me the local supermarkets might run out of meat due to Covid-19. I told her, I'm not worried. There's more than one way to skin a cat.
- What does Guillermo del Toro's latest film have in common with your local supermarket? Fishsticks.
Supermarket Aisle Jokes
Here is a list of funny supermarket aisle jokes and even better supermarket aisle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was told that the supermarket sold pita bread But i searched every aisle and found naan
Supermarket Trolley Jokes
Here is a list of funny supermarket trolley jokes and even better supermarket trolley puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to the supermarket and they had a special on He collects the trolleys
Cheeky Supermarket Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about supermarket you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shopping mall jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make supermarket pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did one Muslim say to another in a supermarket?
Nothing very interesting, they are both completely ordinary members of society who should not be judged based on their ethnic background and skin colour.
And then the building exploded.
Battery
An old woman mistook me for an employee at the supermarket.
She asked, "how much does just one AA battery cost?"
I had one in my pocket, but it was dead. I handed it over and said, "Here, no charge."
My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
Bag Boy
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."
Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...
You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.
Two old guys in a supermarket wandering about, looking lost...
One says to the other "Lost the other half?"
"Yup" he replies.
"Me too. Let's join forces to find them. What does yours look like?"
"She's 25, six foot blonde, 36 double-D, long boots and a short skirt".
"Good. We'll look for yours first".
As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....
As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.
"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.
"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"
"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a Saturday evening...
It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."
A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
There was a fire at the supermarket I work at today.
We now offer a large selection of smoked goods.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a bunch of punks who attack supermarkets?
The Lidl Rascals
News Joke
So today I was at work (on the checkouts at a supermarket) and somebody comes along saying: "only a news-paper for me today" as she slaps down a copy of the Sun. I reply, "so where's your news-paper then?"
I came across the most beautiful girl i've ever seen today at the supermarket..
She wasn't the least bit happy, even after I offered to clean it all up and buy her a new top..
Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket?
Because baggers can't be choosers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...
...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?
She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?
No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher
Was admiring myself in a mirror at the supermarket the other day.
Its ok, I was at the self-checkout.
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...
I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I saw a woman in the supermarket pick up her kids by the hair
Certainly raised a few eyebrows
Just went to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas
I can't believe the currant exchange rate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day David Duke was walking home from the supermarket...
He saw a black man running down the street with a TV and immediately became nervous.
"Wait, is that mine? I can never tell the difference between those d**... things", he said to himself.
He quickly rushed home,
and breathed a sigh of relief.
His was still there; polishing his shoes.
I was doing some shopping at the supermarket...
...and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.
She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said "Those had better be for me!"
The teenager at the register turned and said "Even if they weren't, they definitely are now!"
You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.
Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.
Vegetable rationing
Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg...
The husband asks the wife...
The husband asks the wife:
-Babe which do you like the best, strawberry or banana?
The wife asks him:
-Why are you at the Supermarket?
The husband replys:
No I'm at the pharmacy...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Banned oranges...
It's 2021 and I went to the supermarket to buy some oranges but couldn't find any. I went to another one but there were no oranges again...
I asked the store manager what's the matter
He said "Trump banned all the Muslims for what some of them did so the new president banned all the oranges for what one of them did".
A 5 years old girl enters the supermarket...
...grabs 4 beers and goes to the cash desk. The lady smiles at her and asks:
"Do you think you can carry all four of them all by yourself?"
The little girls thinks for a second and says:
"Yeah, you're right. I'll drink one here before I go"
A dinosaur goes to a supermarket
A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'
[True story] I ordered fresh tilapia with my groceries from the supermarket, but they gave me frozen instead
Tastes like carp.
A supermarket cashier asked if I want my milk in a bag...
I said no, I prefer it staying in the carton.
We ran out of beer,
Says a man to his wife, who then tells him to go the supermarket and get a crate of beer.
"Oh," says his wife, "and if the have eggs, you bring six of them!"
Half an hour later the man returns with six crates of beer and his wife asks him why he brought six crates of beer.
The man replies, "They had eggs!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife said she had a nightmare last night.
She said, "We were in the supermarket and I was looking through the cans of soup. I turned around and you were n**... behind me having s**... with a t**... p**...!"
"That' so far-fetched," I said. "We never shop together."
If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank...
once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket, and they classed it as an "uncharacteristic purchase"
My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...
And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
A man in the supermarket reminded me of Michael Jackson today.
He said, "Don't forget about Michael Jackson".
I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?
Banned from the supermarket.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends were talking
And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
'I had s**... with my teacher.'
'But I thought you were homeschooled...'
'Yeah...'
I saw a lady crying at the supermarket today because she had lost her money and couldn't buy diapers that she wanted to buy.
I felt so bad that I bought them for her, but it's fine because I found a 100 dollar bill at the parking lot anyways.
I was worried my wife was cheating on me because she made frequent trips to the supermarket late at night...
She said not to worry, she was just going out to get bred
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a supermarket
She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;
"I can tell you're single"
The woman giggles and asks coyly
"Oh what gave that away"
The cashier replies
"Because you're fat"
My favorite supermarket had a fantastic deal on a mirror...
... I could see myself buying it.
I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.
That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.
Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!
It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!
I bought six wine bottles in the supermarket.
The cashier said, 'Do you want a box?'
I said, 'Alright, buddy, but I'm not much of a fighter.'
A woman was at the supermarket
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
Last night I ran out of sewing needles.
I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.
A couple was having a party at their house.
An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
Prices are going up
Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, They are going to raise the price so, I'm stocking up.
The other woman replied, I'd never go to such extremes to save money. I'm not that tight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful b**... blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...
I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...
There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks.
You can say I was Schwepped away by it.
Murphy's Car Is Stolen
Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.
Did you hear about the man that bench pressed an entire supermarket?
He got arrested for shoplifting.
BE CAREFUL IN SUPERMARKETS!!!
My wife and I went to grocery. Of course, we had face mask and goggles to be safe.
When we got there, wow, there are still too many people. Scary !
I decided, and I pulled my wife to go home cos we might even catch Covid there.
But, contradicting me, she wants to let go and doesn't want to go home!
Oh my goodness! I really dragged her back to the car.
In the car, she ignores me and is angry.
When we arrived home, when we remove face mask.
She is not my wife.
There was a power cut in town today,
two blondes were stranded on a supermarket escalator for hours.
Warning.
Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.
And came home with two cases of beer.
Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket
Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!
Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.
Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!
Grandma: It's midnight, you can't sing now.
Little Karl: But I need to sing really bad!
Grandma: Well ok then. Sing quietly to grannys ear.
In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.
In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy comes home with two black eyes.
A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her b**... crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punched me in the face.
He wife then looks at him confused and says: that explains one black eye, but not the other.
He then says: well, based on her reaction I assumed she wanted it that way, so I put it back.
