Superman Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Superman puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Superman

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.


He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris

Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.

You want to know what's the most unrealistic thing from Batman V superman? (not a spoiler)

A democratic senator from Kentucky.

Why does Superman have a lower case "s" on his chest?

Because not all heroes wear caps.

Why doesn't Superman need a boss? (OC)

He already has supervision.

What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

What do Superman and Bloods have in common?

They're both getting killed by a Kryptonite.

I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.

It was a narrow "S" cape.

Superman grandpa

On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an empty bottle of whiskey, a knife and a gun. When he landed there were 20 enemy guards waiting for him. He killed fifteen men with the gun. Until it ran out of bullets. Killed 3 guys with his knife until the blade broke off, then killed the last 2 with his bare hands. Then the teacher reply's that was a very violent story and what was the morale?

Stay away from grandpa when he's drunk.

Batman Impression

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."

"Go on then" the second one says.

"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"

The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"

"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

I was watching The Avengers with my grandpa.

He was asking me all sorts of questions about the movie such as "Who's this character?" And "What about that character?". I explained the heroes as best I could. He finally asks me "Where's Superman?" So I try to explain that too. "Superman's owned by a different company, he's owned by DC, and these heroes in this movie are Marvel characters." He replies "What? The whole world is falling apart in this movie, but Superman can't get out of his contract to help?!"

As she lay there in screaming agony...

her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

What does Superman put in his drink?

Just ice.

So I was at the club

They played crank that, and I did the Superman.

They played the Cupid shuffle, so I did the Cupid shuffle.

They played Come on Eileen, and I got kicked out of the club.

Got thrown out of the theatre during the Superman movie...

... but I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Which city is the South African Superman from?

Cape Town

Why is Batman jealous of Superman?

Superman got adopted.

Who's the better businessman: Superman or Batman?

It's Superman of course, or have you ever heard about a batmarket?

What's the one currency superman can't hold?

Kryptocurrency.

You know why Superman would be the best candidate for a management position?

Supervision.

Superman got a divorce...

He can only see his kids with super vision now.

Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

What does a horse and kryptonite have in common?

They both paralyze superman

As anyone with a journalism degree will tell you...

The fact Superman got a job with a newspaper at the end is the strangest thing to happen in that movie.

Standing in a graveyard, Lex Luthor and his subordinate are planning Superman's demise

Lex: This is the night I bury Superman!

Henchman: You've finally figured out his weakness?

Lex: Yes, this evening, I'll lure him into this tomb and he'll be incapacitated!

Henchman: How does that work?

Lex: It's his crypt-tonight.

Why does Superman only daytrade bitcoin?

Because he can't go near [email protected]

Two men are drinking away their sorrows...

In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.

A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartender says:"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman."

How does Superman get out of risky situations?

He always has an 'S' cape

BLACK SUPERMAN

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.



Credits:Someones Tweet

If Batman and Superman had a baby, what would it be?

Adopted

The sons of Superman, Flash and John are chatting...

Superman's sons says, "my dad travels the fastest, he doesnt care about traffic and returns home from work in a matter of minutes."

Flash's son says, "Nah, dude, my dad travels at the speed of light, the moment he finishes work, he's home."

John's sons says, "Please, my dad's shift ends at 5, he's home watching TV at 4:30 already"

Villian: I'm going to bury superman this evening, bwahahahha!

Henchman: yeah, lol, heard this one before.

Villian: No really! At sundown, I'm going to lure him into this mausoleum and lock the door, it's his weakness!

Henchman: What are you talking about, that'll never work!

Villian: Of course it will, it's his crypt tonight.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection.

She said I have too many issues.

Why can't Superman defeat a vampire?

He's in his crypt tonight.

I invited Superman to a funeral this evening...

But he said he was feeling weak so he didn't want to go to the crypt tonight.

What's the difference between spider man and superman?

peter parker can shoot webs. clark kent.

(Dark) What's the one thing Superman can't do?

Stay on a horse.

Why is Batman so jealous of Superman?

Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2

I was throwing a ball with my dog when Superman came around and threw it.

Sounds pretty far fetched.

What does Jewish Superman say when he takes off ?

Up Up and Oy Vey !

(For some reason this is just fun to say out loud)

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.

You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.

Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.

Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.

So I guess this means you were Batman too.


β€”Credit goes to cartoonist Zach Weinersmith

I just googled "Superman football stats," and it didn't have his FA cup stats...

...just his league

As she lay there in screaming agony...

As she lay there in screaming agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

Chuck Norris and Superman arm wrestled...

Loser had to wear his underwear over his pants till the rest of his life.

Why is Superman so trusting?

Because he can throw everyone *really* far.

Why did superman join the bloods?

Cause he doesn't wanna crip-tonight

Do you know what the African Superman is called?

*"tongue click"* Kent

Batman impressionist

Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?"

"Go on then"

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!"

"That's Superman"

"Thanks, I've been practicing."

Why does superman wear tight shirt?

Because it's sized "S"

Chuck Norris and Superman

Chuck Norris and Superman fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.

(Submitted at the request of my 10 year-old son.)

Superman: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive"

Batman: "I fight a penguin and a really persistent clown"

I challenged Superman to a fight.

The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Why did the blind kid who pretended to be Superman keep running into walls?

He had no supervision.

Why couldn't Superman find the local playground as a kid?

Adult supervision was required

Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana?

Because he was in a wheelchair.

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

what would you call superman if he was deaf and mexican?

No hero

Where does Superman ride?

On the Lois Lane.

Only cricket fans will appreciate

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White


They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"


They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the f--k is Chris Cairns?" asked Pinocchio.

Wonder Woman

Batman is talking to the Flash. "Hey, Flash, did you hear about Wonder Woman? She was lying on the roof of her building naked moving her hips in a suggestive manner. Superman was flying by and saw her. He took off his clothes, flew down and landed right on top."

Flash says, "Boy, I bet Wonder Woman was surprised."

Batman answers, "Not nearly as surprised as the invisible man!"

Do you guys have any clean ish Super Hero jokes?

I'm going to be an Emcee at a superhero themed event and some jokes would be great. The sexual assault superman one just won't fly. Many people there aren't really into super heros but some (very few) are.

My favorite so far is...

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up....they would be alloys.

Who is faster? Superman or the flash?

Umm. The cameraman?...

Just a hotel bar...

There was a bar on the 42nd floor of the hotel. A dude drinks some whiskey . Then he says watch this. To a dude. He jumps out a window and right before he hits the ground he softly lands and comes back up to the bar. Puzzled, the dude asks how did you do that? The man says just drink some whiskey. The dude has some whiskey and jumps out the window and lands with a SPLAT!!! The bartender says Superman, your such a bad person when you are drunk.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes