A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
On a fine sunny day, Lil Tyrone was sitting in his 4th grade math class. Feeling bored as usual, he decided to compare the size of his dick with his classmates. To his surprise, his was much bigger than any of his classmate's.
Feeling happy but curious at the same time, he went home and asked his dad:
"Hey dad, I was comparing the size of my dick with my classmates today, and mine was so much bigger than everyone else's! Is it because I'm black?"
Upon hearing lil Tyrone's question, his dad looked him straight in the eyes and replied:
"No Tyrone, it's because you're 18."
An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.
"That goddamn wind!" says the old priest. The young priest turns to him, horrified.
"Sir, you shouldn't swear like this... Remember, God said unto Moses *Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy God in vain.*"
The old priest mumbles a half-hearted excuse and shuffles off to find his ball. He positions himself, checks his grip on the club, and strikes. The ball heads straight toward the hole... then gets blown off course again.
"That GODDAMN wind!" yells the old priest.
The young priest grows pale. "Sir," he pleads, "you really shouldn't swear like this." But the old priest is already walking toward the brush where his ball landed.
He reaches it, and strikes it a third time. The ball gets blown off course yet again and lands right in the middle of a pond.
"THAT GODDAMN WIND!!" screams the priest, throwing his club away in a fit.
"Sir," the young priest begins, but then there is a mighty flash in the heavens, and the young priest is struck dead by lightning.
The old priest falls to his knees. "God," he asks, "why did you smite this poor young man instead of me?"
A booming voice echoes through the sky : "That goddamn wind..."
A bunny is running through the forest and he meets a hedgehog, who's smoking a joint, so the bunny says:
"Hedgehog noo, don't do it, drugs are dangerous, come to run with me in the forest!"
The hedgehog convinced by the bunny runs with him.
They run and they meet a bluetit who is doing blue crystal meth.
The bunny scandalized says:
"Oh bluetit, please, don't do drugs, it's a very sunny day, run with me and you'll be healthier".
So the hedgehog, the bluetit and the bunny happily run through the forest when they meet the wolf, who's snorting coke, so the bunny says:
"Wolf what are you doing? Come and run with me, coke is really bad bad for you!"
The wolf stops and raises his head, looks at the little company of animals and says:
"What the hell guys? Every time the bunny does ecstasy we all run through the forest like idiots..."
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, 'Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!' The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, 'Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!' The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some smack. 'Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!' The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. 'Lion,' they reprimand, 'why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!' The lion answers, 'That little f**ker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!'
The teacher start creative writing class by saying, "Today I want you to write a sentence that uses the word 'beautiful' twice".
Susie goes first: "My mom bought me a beautiful dress and I look beautiful in it."
Next, the teacher calls on Mary: "Today is a beautiful sunny day, helping the beautiful flowers to grow."
Thinking, "Little Johnny can't possibly make this ugly", the teacher calls on him. Little Johnny says, "Last night at dinner my sister told us she is pregnant and my Dad said, 'Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful.'"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"
Because they only have one season.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball veered off into a foursome of men. Indeed the ball hit one of the men who then immediately clasped his hand near his crotch and went into a fetal position. The women rushed to his side and started to apologize. She said "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist, I can relieve your pain." he denies the help and continues to roll around in his fetal position. After minutes of begging the women is finally allowed to help the man. First she unzipps his pants and starts to massage him. Once she is done she asks, "how do you feel now?" the man replies "that felt great but my THUMB still hurts a lot!"
One time, on a beautiful sunny day, three good friends made a deal to not give a shit about anything anymore.
After some time of walking behind eachother, one guy notices a 100 dollar bill, stops above it, and thinks whether to pick it up or not.
Then he says quietly:
"Aaah, fuck it, i don't give a shit about that money".
And proceeds to walk.
Second guy saws him looking down and notices the dollar bill, and as he is approaching the money, he remembered about the deal they had just made, and then thought:
"Fuuuuck that, i don't need that shit".
And also proceeds to walk slowly forward, pushing down the urge to pick it up.
Third guy approaches the dollar bill, leans forward and picks it up. Other guys were immideately confused.
And one guy asked: "Why did you pick it up, we said earlier today that we don't give a shit about anything?"
Then the third guy says to them: "I don't give a shit about what I said".
When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while.
When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…
"What does a vagina look like?"
Dad says," you know what a rose looks like on a warm sunny morning, all velvety and moist. That's what it looks like before sex."
Right on cue the little boy asks," Well what about after sex dad?"
Dad answers," Have you ever seen a pitbull eating mayonnaise?"
Every day Sunny Leone creates history...
Then
we have to
go to
Settings
and
delete that
History.
So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Three guys get trapped in a cave beneath the desert. They find a lamp with a genie. The genie offers each of them a chance to dive into a pool of their favorite drink.
One guy runs from a diving platform and yells "beer" and lands in a pool of beer. Another guy runs and yells "Sunny D" and lands in a pool of Sunny Delight. The third guy runs, slips and yells "shit".
Don't know they're just a bit shady.
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.
The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.
After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rounded up 20 sheep's on the field. The shepherd was a bit confused because he did not have that many sheep's so he head out to the fields and counted his sheep. The shepherd counted 15 sheep's and wondered why his dog said 20.
He approached his dog and asked "there is only 15 sheep's in the field. Why did you say there were 20?"
The dog turns toward the shepherd and said "i know, but i rounded them up"
were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A condom."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."
In Russia in the early 1800's, there was a weather man named Rudolph. He was very good at his job, but he was particularly famous for predicting rain. One morning, it was bright and sunny outside, without a cloud in the sky. However, Rudolph predicted that there would be a huge rain storm, bigger than anyone had ever seen. People laughed and thought it was ridiculous, but sure enough, that night it rained more than anyone in Russia had ever seen. In only 3 hours, it rained over 10 inches! That morning, Rudolph's wife was astounded. "I can't believe you were right about this, honey!" she said, surprised. Rudolph just laughed and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. At about 3:30 in the morning Sherlock wakes up Watson and says to him:
"Look up into the sky, Watson, what do you see?"
Watson replies,"I see that it is very clear out, and that the moon is full."
"And what do you deduct from that, Watson?" Sherlock asks.
"I deduct that is is about 3:30 in the morning, and that tomorrow will be a clear, sunny day. tomorrow night the moon will begin to wane," Watson answered. Then he asked," what do you deduct from that, Sherlock?" Sherlock replied:
WATSON YOU IDIOT, SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR TENT!
One sunny day, a Newfie was walking his dog down the street, when he noticed a bar along the way. He wanted to grab a nice cold beer, so he tied his dog's leash to a nearby tree, in the shade where it's cool. As the Newfie sits down at the bar and orders a beer, a police man walks in, and asks everyone if they know who's dog is outside.
The Newfie stands up and says, "That'd be my dog, what seems to be the problem officer?"
The Policeman responds, "well sir, I don't know how else to say this, but your dog is in heat."
The Newfie says, "I know that sir, it's a hot day out there, but she's in the shade so I'm sure she'll be ok."
"No mister, you don't seem to understand," says the Policeman, "your dog needs to be bred."
"No, no, no," said the Newfie, "She doesn't need any bread, I already fed her lunch, I'm sure she's alright."
By this point the Policeman is very frustrated, and exclaims, "Listen you no good Newfie bastard! Your dog needs to have sex!"
The confused Newfie then responds, "Well officer, I don't see what the problem is here, so you can go right ahead. I've always wanted a Police dog."
I ask honey if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
She is right, I kill the son of b* in one shot.
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
Joe and his buddy Ryan decide to go golfing. Joe was setting up his tee when a funeral procession drove by on the nearby road. Joe immediately took off his hat, and stood perfectly still until the procession had passed. Ryan said "Joe, that's one of the most respectful things I've ever seen." Joe responds, "Well, we were married for 35 years after all."
A man was sunbathing at a nude beach one sunny afternoon when a little girl walks up to the man. The man immediately covers his genitals with a newspaper to shield the girl from looking at them.
"What's under there, Sir?" the naive little girl asks.
"It's my little birdie and he's trying to sleep," the man replies.
"Ok."
The man falls asleep as the girl walks away. He wakes up in the hospital with horrible pains in the pelvic region. He then sees the little girl and asks, "What happened?"
"I went back to get something to feed your little bird and you fell asleep, so I pet the bird and it spit at me so I SNAPPED IT'S NECK, SMASHED HIS EGGS, AND BURNED HIS NEST!!!"
The Ciaz vs Sunny problems are getting out of hand.
It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.
A sunny day in Seattle.
The naked man has a full erection sticking straight up.
The archaeologist asked the man what he is doing. The man replies that he needed to know what time it was so he was using his erect penis as a type of sun dial. The archaeologist commended the man and went on his way.
The next day the archaeologist is headed home and comes across the same man. He's laying on his back again, fully naked, but this time he's masturbating vigorously.
The archaeologist pauses for a second, looks at the man, shakes his head and says, "I give up, now what are you doing?"
The man says, "Winding my watch".
Son, it's daddy here
Sunny gets gold.
Cloudy gets silver.
Snowy gets bronze.
And Rainy gets a precipitation award.
One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin. Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his friend Shut-Up.
Now Shut-Up lived on the other side of town, so he hopped in his car and raced off. Just before he passed Manners' house, a policeman pulled him over for speeding.
The Policeman came over and asked Shut-Up what his name was, to which he replied "Shut-Up".
Offended, the Policeman asked again, and again Shut-Up replied "Shut-Up".
Furious now, the Policeman asked a third time. Shut-Up, who was no doubt confused by the Policeman's anger, replied again saying, "I've already told you. Shut-Up."
Lividly, the Policeman retorted, "Where are your manners!"
Speeding off in confusion, Shut-Up replied "Around the corner picking up Shit"
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sunny? Well, here are the best Sunny dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sunny pick up lines to share with friends.