Sunday Night Jokes
54 sunday night jokes and hilarious sunday night puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sunday night that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Sunday Night Short Jokes
Short sunday night jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sunday night humour may include short sunday evening jokes also.
- John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday. It was just a Saturday Night fever.
- You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.
- Saturday Night Live is getting a name change! Saturday Night Live is getting a name change. It's now called "Sunday Morning DVR."
- Michael Jackson Joke #4543762 Michael Jackson tried killing himself Sunday morning
by jumping off his boat.
The coast guard found him last night, bobbing up and down
on a small buoy. - Looks like we set back the clock twice this week... First on Sunday, then on election night.
- What did Kanye say to the Swift winds? Irma let you finish ( I know it's lame for a Sunday night... but this was a shower thought...sorry)
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Sunday Night One Liners
Which sunday night one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sunday night? I can suggest the ones about sunday morning and saturday sunday.
- Why didn't John Travolta go to church on Sunday? He had a Saturday Night Fever
- There will be a rain dance on Sunday night, weather depending
Sunday Night Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about sunday night you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean starts sunday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sunday night pranks.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Mary is sitting in Sunday school...
She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"
A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"
The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class "Who is the son of God?"
The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells "JESUS CHRIST!"
The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class "What did Eve say to Adam after they had they're 13th child?"
Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"
Would you remarry?
John and Margaret; A married couple, are sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when the wife asks,
"John, if I were to die, would you get remarried?"
John is bewildered and clearly upset,
"Now why would you ask a thing like that, Margaret? We're sitting here having a lovely breakfast and you have to go an ruin it asking depressing questions like that, I'm not answering."
Margaret, clearly realizing she's stepped over the line, immediately drops the questions, but later that night it nags at her, and so she asks again.
"John, I want you to answer, if I were to die would you get remarried?"
Again John is even more upset this time and berates her for bringing up such a morbid subject. Well, they go to bed, but at two in the morning Margaret sits up in bed, turns on the lamp and asks again,
"John! I want you to answer this time right now! If I were to die would you get remarried?"
John realizing that this is not a subject that will be dropped sits up in bed and sighs,
"Yes." He says
"Okay, okay.....Would you sell the house?"
John looks confused, "well...no."
"Would you sell our bed?"
John again looks confused, "Well No, there's no reason too."
Margaret then asks a little distraught, " Well you certainly wouldn't let her touch my golf clubs, would you?"
To which John reply's, "Well no, of course not. She's left handed."
A guy sits in front of TV all day, f**... like there's no tomorrow.
But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog p**....
The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna f**... your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asked his wife.
"Well," the man said, "you were right. I f**... my guts out."
"What did you do?" asked his wife.
"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"
A chemistry professor is giving his final exam...
... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and decide, "We've been studing all that we can study, let's go out and relax for a while." They drive 150 miles to the next town, they get drunk and pass out later sunday night. They woke up late monday morning and realized they missed their test. They drive back and tell the profesor, "We had a flat tire and couldn't get it fix and that is why we are late." The profesor agrees that having a flat tire is a legitimate excuse. He then proceeds to put them in two seperate rooms and hands them the new test they have to retake. First question: (5 points out of 100) What is the chemical compound for sugar? "That's an easy question" the one student says. He goes and answers the question. Second question: (95 points out of 100) Which tire was flat?
Fishing trip
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
Susan at Bible Shool
Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She dozed off, and when the teacher asked her, "Who is the Son of God?" The boy next to her poked her with a pencil. She immediately woke up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!". After this she nodded off again and the teacher called on her again, "Susan, who is the creator of the universe?" The boy poked her again with the pencil, awakening flustered and rather angry, she spoke softly, growing gradually louder, "Oh, my, God!" Again she falls asleep when the teacher asks one final question, "Susan, what did Eve say to Adam after their 56th child?" The boy once more prodded her with his pencil and she screams, "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF!!!"
A man left work
one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Little Johnny is in Sunday School,
and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?"
And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?"
Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that's what you pray with."
"Oh lovely, Thomas." says sister Jean
Then little Mary Margaret chimes in again "I think it's your heart, 'cuz that's where Jesus lives"
Sister Jean clutches her chest, "Beautiful, dear."
But then Johnny shouts, "It's your LEGS!"
Sister Jean looks stunned, "Your legs, John? Why?!"
"Last night I went in my mommy and daddy's room, and mommy was on the bed, with her legs in the air going 'OH GOD, I'M COMING!'"
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
A Farmer goes to town
and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."
"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"
"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."
"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"
"Naw, but I do have a John Deere."
"No, No, No, do you have a grudge?"
"Yup, park my John Deere in it evry night."
"Look here, do you have a suit?"
"'Course, wear it to church evry Sunday."
"You're not making this easy on me. Listen, is your wife a nagger?"
"Nope, but that last kid was, that's why I want one of them die-vorces."
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
Heard this one 20 years ago in India
At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital s**..., more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace.
"In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."
Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee."
No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes.
Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back.
Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had s**... congress may stand!"
"Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"
Final Exam
The Final Exam
There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The
guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
My favorite kids joke
One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:
"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"
"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."
Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:
"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"
"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"
Then bowling ball asks the mom
"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"
A Great Italian Place
Two elderly couples get together every Sunday night for dessert and coffee. One Sunday, while the wives are in the kitchen, the husbands are chatting about restaurants. "We found a lovely little Italian place in town" one husband says. "Delicious manicotti, great wines, just perfect."
"What is it called?" the other husband says. The first husband goes, "It was called...oh, my. I can't...it's called...oh, darn it. It's right on the tip of my tongue! Wait, okay, what's the name of the flower, you know...the pretty one with the thorns?"
"You mean a Rose?" the other husband says. "That's it!" the first husband says, and turns towards the kitchen. "ROSE! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT PLACE WE WENT TO?!!"
So a man is set up on a blind date with a Sunday school teacher...
He was worried about possibly going out with a p**... but decided to give it a shot anyway. He took her out to dinner and asked what kind of wine should they order. She responded "Oh no, I couldn't have a drink. What would I tell my Sunday school?"
Disappointed, he realized this date was getting a little lame.
As they left the restaurant he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh no, I couldn't have a cigarette. What would I tell my Sunday school?"
Well he decided to drive her home as it didn't look like the night was going anywhere.
As they drove down the Boulevard they passed a motel. The woman looked hard at the man and said "Do you want to get a room?"
Stunned, the man pulled over, got a room and she proceeded to give him the wildest night of his life.
Lying spent on the bed, the man said "Wow... That was fantastic! But... What will you tell the Sunday school?"
"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
A man is late for work...
A man is late for work. He's been late before and he knows that if he's late again he could be in serious trouble. He's driving around the parking lot and it's full. He can't find a spot anywhere. So the man begins to pray.
"Please God, if you let me find a parking spot I'll start going to church every Sunday. I won't miss Christmas or Easter. And I'll start praying every night. I just really need to find a parking spot."
Just as he finishes the two taken spots in front of him separate allowing a vacant parking spot to appear.
"Nevermind. I found one."
Credit goes to my coworker who usually has great jokes for me.
It's Easter Sunday morning...
... and chubby Chuck has been chomping on Easter eggs all night. He decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he plays a prank. He goes into the chicken coop and replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the colored eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.
p**... is a poor Irish farmer...
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
COUNTING CONDOMS
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the c**... display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one c**...?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
A father and his 11 year old son are walking through the pharmacy one day.
As they walk past the family planning aisle, the son points to the condoms and asks "Dad, what are those?"
The father realizes his son is old enough to learn about such things, so he tells him "Well, those are called condoms. Men use them when they have s**... to be safe and not get girls pregnant."
"Okay." the son responds. "Who are those for?" he asks while pointing at the 3 pack.
"Those" the father replies, "are for men in high school: One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night"
"What about those?" the son asks pointing to the 6 pack.
"Those are for college aged men: Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday?" the father responds.
"And what about those?" the son asks pointing to the 12 pack.
With an air of confidence, the father looks up and says "Those, son, are for married men: One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Enjoy weekend and enjoy and enjoy weekend
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
How would you like it if you didn't see me?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
Jesus is watching you...
A man broke into a house one night, his goal was to take something small and valuable.
While he was searching through the stuff he heard a small voice "Jesus is watching you."
He stopped for a moment and said to himself "This must be a voice from my old sunday school."
So he continued searching, about 5 minutes later he heard the voice again "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight to the direction and he saw a parrot.
He said to the parrot "What is your name?" The parrot replied "Moses"
The robber then said "What kind of silly people would name there parrot Moses?"
The parrot looked up and said **"The same people who named the pitbull jesus!"**
My friend was talking about "Super Bowl Monday"
Friend: "We should get Super Bowl Monday to be a holiday. People spend all night watching the game, drinking, and partying, but in the morning they have to go to work."
Teacher: "Is that what you plan on doing on Sunday?
Friend: "No, I don't have a job."
Bob left work one Friday evening but since it was payday he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife
and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
An Husband's Final Request
At the end of Sunday Mass, a Priest notices an elderly woman sobbing in a pew. Worried about her, he approaches and asks,
"Is everything okay, my child?"
"Oh Father, not entirely. My husband passed away last night."
The Priest sits beside her and takes her hand. "That's terrible news. Did he have any last requests?"
"He did, Father. Just one."
"Oh? What was it?"
"He asked me, 'Mary, please put down that gun.'"
At the drug store
A little boy and his dad were at the drug store and they just so happened to come upon the c**... aisle.
The little boy asked his dad "Daddy why are there so many different boxes of condoms?"
"For different stages in your life." said the dad.
"What's the 3 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your in High School 2 for Friday night, and 1 for Saturday night."
"Then whats the 6 pack for?"
"For when your at college. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Oh. Then what's the 12 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your married. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March........"
My friend has a f**... and his crush asked him out last night
She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends
He decided to come with us and told us you know I wouldn't ditch you, bros before toes!
You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?
Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I'm talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y'alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I'm talking wet enough to drown a fish. Once you've done every single step, in that order, absolutely perfectly, you call me over.
After leaving left work Friday afternoon Mike stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.
When he finally came home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied That would be fine with me".
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
4 kids are at a party on sunday night
They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn't be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded ok, you can take the test tomorrow
The next day the kids are at school. The professor says you all have to take the test in separate rooms
Fair the kids responded.
The first question was worth 5 points and said what is 5+5 .
Easy enough said one of the kids in their test room.
The second question was worth 95 points. It said which tire was flat
I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...
She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"
i said "that would be b**... lovely".
So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night
He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
Prayer
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
Passing
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear? "She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. "The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? "She says, "That he did, Father... "The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that d**... gun...'"