Sunday Morning Jokes

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having s**... will surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the d**...."
She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that d**... ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He’s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Curious

A young boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the newspaper.
"Where does p**... come from?" He asks.
The father feeling a little agitated that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yeah," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the washroom, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"

Would you remarry?

John and Margaret; A married couple, are sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when the wife asks,
"John, if I were to die, would you get remarried?"
John is bewildered and clearly upset,
"Now why would you ask a thing like that, Margaret? We're sitting here having a lovely breakfast and you have to go an ruin it asking depressing questions like that, I'm not answering."
Margaret, clearly realizing she's stepped over the line, immediately drops the questions, but later that night it nags at her, and so she asks again.
"John, I want you to answer, if I were to die would you get remarried?"
Again John is even more upset this time and berates her for bringing up such a morbid subject. Well, they go to bed, but at two in the morning Margaret sits up in bed, turns on the lamp and asks again,
"John! I want you to answer this time right now! If I were to die would you get remarried?"
John realizing that this is not a subject that will be dropped sits up in bed and sighs,
"Yes." He says
"Okay, okay.....Would you sell the house?"
John looks confused, "well...no."
"Would you sell our bed?"
John again looks confused, "Well No, there's no reason too."
Margaret then asks a little distraught, " Well you certainly wouldn't let her touch my golf clubs, would you?"
To which John reply's, "Well no, of course not. She's left handed."

A chemistry professor is giving his final exam...

... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and decide, "We've been studing all that we can study, let's go out and relax for a while." They drive 150 miles to the next town, they get drunk and pass out later sunday night. They woke up late monday morning and realized they missed their test. They drive back and tell the profesor, "We had a flat tire and couldn't get it fix and that is why we are late." The profesor agrees that having a flat tire is a legitimate excuse. He then proceeds to put them in two seperate rooms and hands them the new test they have to retake. First question: (5 points out of 100) What is the chemical compound for sugar? "That's an easy question" the one student says. He goes and answers the question. Second question: (95 points out of 100) Which tire was flat?

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

The Rich Old Man

A rich, brittle, 90 year old man walks into the doctors office for his usual check up. He sits down and waits until the doctor finally comes in:
Doc: Hows it goin fred?
Old Man: Good doc, but I gotta tell ya, something amazing has happened!
Doc: What that Fred?
Old man: Well, you know my girl friend is only 25 right?
Doc: Yes Fred I remember her, gorgeous girl!
Old man: Well doc, she's pregnant! I know thats normal for her but im 90 years old Doc! I must be some kind of super human! How is that even possible!
Doc: Well Fred... Let me tell you a story.... I knew a man once who lived in the middle of the woods, Sunday this man would wake up, grab his rifle that he kept next to the door, and walk out by the pond to try and shoot a b**.... Well as time went on he got older and older, and one Sunday morning this man woke up as usual and walked out the door... only this time... he grabbed his walking stick, thinking it was his rifle. he got to the pond and there sat a big beautiful b**..., the man raised his walking stick, still thinking it was his rifle, when all the sudden BANG!... the b**... dropped right on the log!
Old man: How is that possible?! All he had was a walking stick!
Doc: Thats where this story explains your situation Fred... Someone else shot their load into that b**....

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"

Football and accountancy in one joke

A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.
On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - *Professional fowl*".

Sunday Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Final Exam

The Final Exam
There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The
guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________

There were three churches in my town that were all infested with squirrels.

They each came up with a different way to deal with the infestation.
The first church hired an exterminator. He came by on a Monday morning, and by Sunday the squirrels were back.
The second church prayed to the Lord to deliver them from the squirrels, but did nothing themselves to solve the problem. The squirrels never left.
The third church had a young, zealous pastor who reasoned that since the squirrels were in church, they should be baptized. Now the squirrels are only there for Christmas and Easter.

Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker.

Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.
Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children."
"Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says.
"Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.
"Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.
The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"

A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.

His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.
The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.
St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."
God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"

Aww...sweet...

A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Daddy, where does p**... come from?" he asks.
The father, feeling a little perturbed that his five year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well, you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

"She's a Veterinarian."

Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her.
Mrs. Smythe, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'
Why yes, she replied, every week my daughter sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church.
That's wonderful, how much does she send you?
At least $2,000 a week.
And what does she do for a living?
She is a veterinarian, she answers.
That is a very good profession. Where does she practice?
Well," says the old lady, "she has a cat house in Chicago, and another one in Dallas…

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

An awkward question!

A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does p**... come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"

r**... Divorce

A h**... walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
h**...: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
h**...: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
h**...: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
h**...: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
h**...: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
h**...: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
h**...: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

Sunday Morning s**...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Brian raises his hand and says, He's in Heaven.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, Where is Jesus today?
Brian raises his hand and says, He's in Heaven.
Susan answers, He's in my heart.
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, He's in our bathroom!
The teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
Well, Little Johnny says, every morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'

Grandpa's death

After grandpa's death i went grandma's house to comfort her. I asked her how did that happen.
Grandma: " He died from a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Shocked, i told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
Grandma:" Oh no my dear. Realizing our advanced age we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the perfect rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, just in on the Ding and out on the d**...."
She paused, wiped away a tear amd then continued, " And if that d**... ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd be still alive today!"

Tommy doesn't want to go to Sunday school

Sunday morning, Tommy tells his mom, "I don't want to go to Sunday school anymore. I want to go to the real service with you and Daddy."
To his surprise, he gets his way. He sits in the main sanctuary for the first time, and he notices a display he hadn't seen before. There's an American flag and a few photographs of men and women in uniform.
After the sermon, he asks his mom what it is. She says, "That's a memorial for some members of our church who died in the service."
Really quietly, Tommy says, "I think I'll go to Sunday school next week."

A man and his best friend, a preacher, are traveling together.

They stop at a vineyard and after the taste testing the preacher comments that one of the wines is the best he's ever tasted. The man, knowing his friend's congregation is particularly conservative, grins and tells the preacher, I'll buy you a case of this wine IF you thank me for it in front of your congregation next Sunday.
The preacher gives it some thought and finally accepts. On Sunday morning before his sermon he stands at the pulpit and says, I'd like to thank my good friend Jeff for the gift of the fine grapes and the excellent spirit in which they were given.

A DIFFICULT QUESTION!

A little boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does p**... come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5-year-old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says,
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the bathroom, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks.
"And Tigger?"

Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner.
When he arrived, they showed him into the family room, introduced him to their 5-year old son who was playing an old Nintendo game, and disappeared into the kitchen to bring out some refreshment. The minister asked their son what they were having for dinner.
"Goat" the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "This morning, I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We should have the old goat for dinner tonight.'"

Slow learner

A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices on of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears.
"What happened to your ears?" he asks.
"Well, its a long story." he replies, "You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a phone call from her on Sunday. I was watching the football game and my wife was ironing some laundry behind me. The phone rang, so I reached back to answer it, but when I put the phone to my ear I realized I had grabbed the iron by mistake!"
"Well that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"
"Well, wouldn't you know it, she called back."

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

So there is this small church in the middle of the country.....

this church is small and contains only 100 people. But on one Sunday morning demons and the devil start to flay around the church. Soon after they had appeared they burst through the church door and wreak havoc on those within the church. People are on fire, the priest has jumped out the window, but there is 67 y/o man sitting in the front. The devil approaches this man and asks "do you know who i am?" the man replies "yes sir" the devil then asks "then why are you not scared?" but the old man looks the devil dead in the eyes and says "I've been married to you sister for 35 years."