Summer Jokes

What are some Summer jokes?

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they're going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Where do admins go for summer break?

Banned camp.

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer.

At least he had a great fall.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

After a disappointing summer,

Humpty Dumpty ended up having a great fall.

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

Two conjoined twins walks into a pub

The bartender is amazed: "You're not from around here"
The siamese on the left side:"No, we're french, every summer, we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip"
"So, you really seem to like the country?"
"Not that much, but once a year, my brother can drive".

What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."

His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."

What will the neighbors think?

With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband:
"What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?"
The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like."
The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?"
The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."

I love summer in Canada!

It's my favorite day of the year!

Asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise..

I just asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise this summer. He said his ancestors made that same mistake and he's not falling for it.

For my summer job, I worked at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!

Pride is like the summer...

It comes before the fall.

Why do lions only mate in the summer?

Because the pride cometh before the fall

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

Canadian summer

I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"

He said "No! I was working that day."

Ol' Merl & Ethel

Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.

The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.

The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."

I vacationed at a nudist colony this past summer...

the first few days were the hardest.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.

i have no idea where this is going

Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.

In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.

SON : Awww Mom! I don't want to go to school.
MOM : Give me two good reasons why you don't want to go to school??
SON : "One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me!!
MOM : Oh! that's not a reason darling. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON : OK. You give me two good reasons, WHY I should go to school?
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old, and should understand your responsibilities!
Two You are the 'PRINCIPAL' of the school "πŸ˜‚

Golf jokes today is it? Here's mine

A three-man group, a doctor, a priest, and an engineer are playing a golf course on a beautiful summer day. After a few holes they realize the group ahead of them is progressing incredibly slowly; the doctor flags down the groundskeeper and asks "What's taking them so long? I've got patients to see this afternoon!"

The grounds keeper explains, "Well, we had a fire in the clubhouse a few years back. A group of firefighters was able to save it, but they lost their sight in the blaze. Since then, we allow them to play for free whenever they like."

The doctor responds, "That's terrible! I'll speak with the ophthalmologists I know, perhaps one of them can help these poor men."

The priest nods before adding, "I'll keep these men in my prayers and see about getting donations from my congregation for the families"

The engineer looks at the doctor, priest, and groundskeeper and asks, "Why can't they just play at night?"

Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday

A Greek and a Scotsman


A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.


The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'


The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'


The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who
built the first timepieces and calendars.


And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'


The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn't that good, but the tips were HUGE

I can count the times I was on a vacation in Chernobyl on one hand

This summer, it will be my 15th time going there

What's Irish and comes out in summer?

Paddy O'Furniture

Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer?

He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.

Humpty Dumpty had a good Summer...

But he had a *great* Fall!

My parents once sent me abroad for the summer

I didn't learn a thing from her.

My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

Penguin experiencing car trouble

Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back.

To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop.

"Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."

Two Guys, The Summer, And The Confessional

A young man goes to confession with his friend on the first day of summer. When he enters the confessional, he says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned... I have been with a woman of poor moral fiber."

Priest: "That's sad to hear young man... I must ask... was it Jenny Armstrong?"
Young Man: "I cannot say father."
Priest: "Was it Sarah Smith?"
Young Man: "I will not say, father."
Priest: "It must have been Michelle Geller."
Young Man: "Father, I will not say."
Priest: "I admire your conviction, but you must atone. Don't return to service for two weeks, or until you have said 4 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers."

The young man leaves and sees his friend on the way out. "What did you get?' his friend asks. He replies, "two weeks of summer vacation and three good leads."

Three guys on a summer road trip…

As they were driving down a long desolate highway, their vehicle being to sputter along and finally died. Unable to start it up, the three guys decided it was a good idea to make the long trek to the nearest city. One guy said, Lets each take one thing with us to help us on this long walk. All agreed and begin searching.
The first guy picked the cooler they brought, If we get thirsty, we have something to drink! The other two replied, Great idea!
The second guy looked around, I know what I will take! I will take the car seat, so if we ever get tired we can take a load off. Great idea! the others said.
Third guy, looking and looking, could not figure out what he wanted to take. Finally he gets an idea. I'm going to take the car door The other two, giving him a funny look.
Well if it gets hot, we can roll down the window!

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I've never heard him complain

A reporter is looking for someone to interview at the Summer Olympics

He sees a man carrying a twelve-foot pole and asks, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

The man replies, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Minnesota has 4 seasons

Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.

Why do Jews stay home during the summer?

They don't like going to camps.

You heard about the guy that added 3, 20, and 46?

The Summer of 69

Hygienic!

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day. They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice that she wasn`t wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any panties.

She said, "I don't know if it's cooler but sure keeps the flies off the watermelon.

It's been a few weeks since the last school shooting.

Oh, it's summer.

Skinny Dippers

A farmer in Maine was just finishing up a tough day in the Summer Sun. He decided that after such a tough day the perfect thing he needed was a walk around his pond. The blueberries were in full bloom so he decided that it was worthwhile to pick some up for breakfast the next day, so he grabbed a bucket.

As he approached the lake he heard some girls laughing and giggling. Fortunately for the girls they saw him force and quickly retreated to the deeper waters. As he noticed them he smiled to himself. There were three gorgeous girls covering themselves - *skinny dippers* he thought to himself.

"We're not coming out until you leave!" One of the girls shouted at him.

He frowned and furrowed his brow. "Honestly, I didn't come down here to see some naked girls or anything of the like. I don't care if you stay in there or leave." He lifted the bucket slightly. "I'm just here to feed my pet alligator, Bill."

What do you call it when Shakespeare has a wet dream?

Mid summer Night's cream

God will save me

Heard this a while back at summer camp or something of the like. Haven't seen it on here yet.

A man is drowning in a lake. A boat drives up and the captain asks him, "hey buddy, need any help?"
The man responds, "No, God will save me."

The captain reluctantly goes about his way and a little later a speedboat drives up to the drowning man. "Hey buddy, can I help you?"

"No, god will save me."

The man drowns and up in heaven he goes up to God and says, "Hey, why didn't you save me?"

God simply replies, "I sent you two boats, dumbass."

I wanted to open up a summer camp for kids with learning disabilities

apparently people think calling it a concentration camp is wrong

Where do you send someone with ADHD for summer?

A concentration camp.

Foreplay

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

During the summer, a kid started a yard work business....

...After several weeks his mother noticed he was becoming more and more depressed. She asked her son, "why are you so blue lately, your business is doing great"?
The son replied, "Mow money mow problems".

How does ISIS cool down in the summer time?

In a blow up pool

I always get burnt during summer time.

I would go under trees but they're a little shady.

What's a hipsters favorite season?

Summer, they like it before it's cool

I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

I watched a documentary about the 1936 summer Olympics in Berlin

It seemed like a wonderful event, but it made me uneasy every time the officials said, "Let's make this a good, clean race."

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.

To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-Shit!"

I asked my English friend what his favourite summer accessory is.

He said, "Clouds."

Do you know what drastically goes down during the summer?

School shootings.

Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!

I was planning on taking my little girls to the start of summer village fair today, but its raining, windy and cold so we decided not to go.

May weather won.

Now that Benedict XVI is out of work...

...like all good celebs, he's releasing a fragrance. Expect to see Popepourri on the shelves this summer.

Where do parents send their ADHD children during the summer?

Concentration camps

3 Feminists at a convention

Says the first one: my husband has only one shirt and wants me to iron it. I said if you want your shirt you will have to iron it yourself! (loud applause) First day I saw nothing, the second day either, but on the third day he was ironing his shirt himself!!

Second one: my husband has white sneakers for the summer and wants me to clean them. I told him that if he wants clean shoes he has to clean them himself! (loud applause) First day I saw nothing, the second day either, but on the third day he was cleaning his shoes!!

The third one: My husband wants to eat steak every day. I told him that if he wants to eat steak he has to cook for himself! (loud applause). The first day I saw nothing, the second day either, and on the third day I saw a little through my left eye.

Honey, I just won the lottery!

-- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!

My mom wanted to send me to a program last summer for people with ADHD...

It was called a Concentration Camp.

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a lousy summer!

A few fresh snails

Tom's wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment's before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down some fresh snails for the party.

On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he'd stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn't gotten his wife those snails.

Quickly he hurried down, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.


Tom, looked towards the snails and said C'mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we're there!

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid," says the first, "do like I do. Climb up a stewardesses leg, stay in here croch and you'll be here in no time, nice an cosy."

Next year, they meet again. The second one is shivering again, saying :

" I did what you said... I climbed up a stewardesses leg and lay down at her croch. It was so warm and cosy, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I was in a motorcyclists moustache again..."

How to make Summer jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Summer to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Summer? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Summer pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes