Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Summer Jokes and Friends
Is your name Summer? ‘Coz you're HOT!
Two conjoined twins walks into a pub
The bartender is amazed: "You're not from around here"
The siamese on the left side:"No, we're french, every summer, we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip"
"So, you really seem to like the country?"
"Not that much, but once a year, my brother can drive".
Dating in 1962
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!
Ol' Merl & Ethel
Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."
My parents once sent me abroad for the summer
I didn't learn a thing from her.
For my summer job, I worked at the zoo, circumsizing elephants
The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!
Minnesota has 4 seasons
Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.
Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer?
He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.
Penguin experiencing car trouble
Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back.
To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop.
"Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."
What will the neighbors think?
With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband:
"What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the n**... in the backyard?"
The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like."
The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?"
The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."
Hygienic!
Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day. They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice that she wasn`t wearing any p**.... So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any p**....
She said, "I don't know if it's cooler but sure keeps the flies off the watermelon.
You can explore summer travel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean summer weather dad jokes. There are also summer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Humpty Dumpty had a good Summer...
But he had a *great* Fall!
Canadian summer
I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"
He said "No! I was working that day."
After a disappointing summer,
Humpty Dumpty ended up having a great fall.
Foreplay
After the first week of s**... education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
Asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise..
I just asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise this summer. He said his ancestors made that same mistake and he's not falling for it.
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.
The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.
The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."
Where do admins go for summer break?
Banned camp.
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
This and That are both on summer break.
That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.
i have no idea where this is going
Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday
I vacationed at a nudist colony this past summer...
the first few days were the hardest.
I wanted to open up a summer camp for kids with learning disabilities
apparently people think calling it a concentration camp is wrong
Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD
Its a concentration camp
Why do Jews stay home during the summer?
They don't like going to camps.
Here's one for you recent graduates.
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
A reporter is looking for someone to interview at the Summer Olympics
He sees a man carrying a twelve-foot pole and asks, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replies, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
How does ISIS cool down in the summer time?
In a blow up pool
During the summer, a kid started a yard work business....
...After several weeks his mother noticed he was becoming more and more depressed. She asked her son, "why are you so blue lately, your business is doing great"?
The son replied, "Mow money mow problems".
My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.
We call her Summer for short.
It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.
Well, they're going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.
Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer.
At least he had a great fall.
I love summer in Canada!
It's my favorite day of the year!
I love summer in the UK.
My favourite day of the year.
What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?
The Steam summer sale
Where do you send someone with ADHD for summer?
A concentration camp.
My wife
Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.
Why do lions only mate in the summer?
Because the pride cometh before the fall
You heard about the guy that added 3, 20, and 46?
The Summer of 69
What's Irish and comes out in summer?
p**... O'Furniture
What do you call it when Shakespeare has a w**...?
Mid summer Night's cream
I can count the times I was on a vacation in Chernobyl on one hand
This summer, it will be my 15th time going there
What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?
3 months of no school shootings.
Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?
Concentration Camp
It's been a few weeks since the last school shooting.
Oh, it's summer.
Pride is like the summer...
It comes before the fall.
My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....
I've never heard him complain
What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?
DES...
PA....
-nish Inquisition
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...
The pay wasn't that good, but the tips were HUGE
I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms.
It didn't do so well, people kept telling me Concentration Camp was a bad name.
How's y'all's summer bods looking?
Mines looking like I have a great personality.
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.
The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.
A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery."
She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"
He replies: "Take it all, go away."
I heard Humpty Dumpty had a great summer...
But he had a horrible fall!
What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll?
Seasoning
Being deemed an "essential worker"
Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off.
Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.
Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, ninni laaksonen, Cassandra searless, Mariah billado, Victoria Hughes, Bridget Sullivan, Tasha Dixon, and Samantha holvey.
How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
By their seasoning.
Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his miserable summer.
I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd.
Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.
Which is the most desired summer body this year?
The antibody.
Made this one up at work today.
There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.
His name was Popsicles.
A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.
It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.
Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his c**..., while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.
When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"
To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "
Jewish mother goes to the airport
to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.
The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"
Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...
Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.
The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.
After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand and hesitantly spoke:
"Well... de horse jumped over de fence and de feet got tangled in de tail..."
Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?
Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!
What do you call someone who likes to add numbers when the weather is warm?
A summer
(I thought of this, hope it's original)
Little known fact about me: I was supposed to compete in the 1988 summer Olympics in Seoul...
...but I suffered a Korea ending injury.
I told my boss that I had a terrible fall.
He said, "That's fine, don't come in to work today."
Tomorrow I'll tell him I had a horrible summer, too.
I was so proud of my son
He's 18 and he got a job sandblasting for the summer to save for school. The manager was talking to him during safety orientation and said so sandblasting? That should be fun . He responded yeah it should be a blast He said he got a groan and an eye roll then told me off for being contagious.
During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem
They deployed the swat team.
I love summer in Scotland...
This year it was a Wednesday.
My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping
He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.
In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….
But now is the winter of our disco tent.
What's Irish and stays out all summer?
p**... O'furniture.
Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?
Because the Pride comes before the fall.
I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade!
Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.
A Boy and his Father.
A boy and his father were sitting on the front porch of their home one summer evening. The boy had overhead a conversation at the doctors office and had a question for his father. "Dad?" His father replied. "Yea son?". "What's an alcoholic?" the boy asked. "Well son.." searching his mind for an explanation. "You see those 4 trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see 8 trees." The boy, confused, replied: "But Dad,
there's only 2 trees."
The oldest one I could think of on a Monday morning:
Where do cantaloupes go during the summer?
John Cougar's Melon Camp.
One summer, I worked as an assistant to an one-armed typist.
It was shift work.
A scientist was walking on the street during hot summer day.
"Damn, it's hot" he complained.
"Tell me about it" said the Sun above.
Scientist was surprised.
"Wow! Sound propagation through space!"
"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"
\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"
"I don't care. Just leave."
