Suitcase Jokes
99 suitcase jokes and hilarious suitcase puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about suitcase that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready to laugh? If you're looking for a funny take on the otherwise mundane task of packing a suitcase, check out this article featuring the best suitcase jokes. With jokes about lost suitcases, handbags and even foreskins, it's sure to bring a smile to any traveler's face. Some gags involve rattlesnakes and even levitating suitcases - you won't want to miss out!
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Funniest Suitcase Short Jokes
Short suitcase jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The suitcase humour may include short luggage jokes also.
- I phoned the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase." - I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year.... I am now dealing with emotional baggage.
- I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage
- My wife bought a new suitcase for work She asked if I wanted to know why she bought that specific one
I reply with a "no"
She asks why, and I say, "Because it's a pretty open and shut case" - I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick... I could hardly close my suitcase.
- "Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!" \-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"
"I don't care. Just leave." - Covid Vaccine? Just been up town and there's a bloke near Oxford Circus with a suitcase selling COVID 19 vaccines. £2 each or three for a Pfizer.
- The electron asked the photon, Have you packed a suitcase? The photon said, No, I'm travelling light.
- When I get home from work, I like to pack myself into really small suitcases. I can hardly contain myself.
- I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short... I lost the case.
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Suitcase One Liners
Which suitcase one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with suitcase? I can suggest the ones about briefcase and handbag.
- I hate hotel towels....So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase.
- My girlfriend dumped me because I'm unorganised. So she packed my suitcase and I left.
- I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's jam packed.
- I climbed on a tree with a suitcase. My aim is to become a branch manager.
- My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
- I could never date a suitcase Just too much baggage for me I guess
- What do you call a croatian stuffed inside a suitcase? Luggit
- I took two pieces of bread as my suitcase on a trip. It was jam packed!
- Why does Oregon Ducks need such big suitcases? Because they Pac-12 of everything
- What happened when the octopus found a suitcase full of £20 notes? It was squids in.
- I enjoy squeezing into a suitcase so much... ... I can hardly contain myself.
- What's worse than ten babies in one suitcase? One baby in ten suitcases.
- A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away.
- During hide and seek i trued to hide in a small suitcase, But I couldn't contain myself.
- Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
Suitcase Packing Jokes
Here is a list of funny suitcase packing jokes and even better suitcase packing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase. It was jam packed.
- Why do actuaries always pack a bomb in their suitcase when they fly? Because the odds of two bombs being on the same plane are astronomical.
- You Know What I Love Doing More Than Anything? Trying to pack myself into a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
- My wife got mad at me because I said she was lazy. She says she so upset she's going to leave me, just as soon as I pack her suitcase.
- A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar with a ski mask, and a suitcase that happens to be on fire. He says "NOBODY MOVE! I'M PACKING HEAT HERE!"
Lost Suitcase Jokes
Here is a list of funny lost suitcase jokes and even better lost suitcase puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the son say to his father when he lost his suitcase in the airport on their trip to the middle east? "Where's baghdad?"
- The airline lost my prosthetic leg To make matters worse, a baggage handler dropped a heavy suitcase on my foot... I wanted to sue the airline, but my lawyer said I didnt have a leg to stand on.
Comical Suitcase Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about suitcase you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean baggage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make suitcase pranks.
I went to my sisters house and saw her packing a suitcase. I asked, "What's going on?" She said, "I'm feeling homesick." I suggested, "But you're at your home now." She replied, "I know. I'm sick of it!"
One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure.
You carry the suitcases!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Joe told him: “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be d**... if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!”
"Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?"
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Granny congratulates Johny to his birthday and tells him:
"May you live so many years, how many steps you made to the church during these years!"
Suddenly appears the Death and tells Johny:
"Have you heard your Granny's wish?
So, pack up your suitcases, tomorrow you'll finally go with me, mac!
Those 4 steps will not save ya!"
Why didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!
Found 4 fox cubs
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
An Israeli Joke
An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
A man went onto a train with a banana and a suitcase....
He arrived at his destination safely.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Discipline is important
A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, "Whatever we do we shouldn't s**... him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
Train conductor
A train conductor is making sure he stamped everybody's ticket when a man try's to get on the train without a ticket. Too stop him the conductor swings his suitcase hitting the man on the head killing him. The conductor has to go to the electric chair. When they turn it on it doesn't do anything. They ask him what happened and he simply said "I'm a bad conductor."
Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
The German tax evader in Switzerland
A German wants to bring his untaxed savings to a number account in Switzerland.
He sneaks into the bank, looks around and whispers to the bank assistant:
"Psst! I've got 2 million euros in my suitcase!"
The bank assistant replies in a normal voice:
"Why do you try to be so unsuspicious? Poverty is not a shame in Switzerland."
A man finds a rhumba of rattlesnakes inside a suitcase
So he calls 911 and tells the operator about the matter at hand. The operator is shocked to hear this and asks whether the snakes are moving. The man says "I don't know, but that might explain the suitcase."
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I killed my wife the other day for always being right
...and hid her in a suitcase under my bed.
She always said the only way I would have s**... with another women would be over her dead body.
I got a job making wallets out of elephant foreskins
If you rub the wallet it turns into a suitcase.
I'm not crazy
Man: Doctor my family thinks I'm nuts because I like pancakes, Psychiatrist: I see nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes too, Man: Well then you should come over and see my collection, I have three suitcases full.
I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road
"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man tried smuggling sausage and v**... out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.
The whole event was pretty terrible.
It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
My mate bought a new suitcase
My mate bought a new suitcase advertised as 'indestructible!', with a lifetime guarantee.
One week later one of the wheels broke clean off and the case would fall over when being used.
He tried to return his broken suitcase but the company refused to deal with him.
'Im going to sue!' my friend said angrily
I told him I would too but I was afraid his case wouldn't stand up in court.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Patrick wants a bike...
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..
Me: Honey! It finally happened! we won the lottery!
Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.
Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.
A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...
At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.
"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those un your suitcase or ship them separately."
"Oh, no, it's okay." He says. "These are my carrion beetles."
A man takes a wallet to the patent office..
...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says, I don't think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. When you massage it ...it turns into a suitcase.
My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references
My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references. She packed up her suitcase, and she walked out. As soon as she walked out of the door, I noticed that she had left her suitcase here. We live in a bad neighborhood, so she packed some pepper spray in it just in case. I quickly picked it up, ran out the door, and saw her. I handed it to her and said:
It's dangerous to go alone. Here, take this.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend hand cuffed me to the bed, took her suitcase and my wallet, and locked me inside.
This role play stuff is getting too serious, but I must say she makes s**... exciting.
I walked into a plane
I was about to sit down after I saw my friend and said hi to him.
For some reason I was taken off the plane and was arrested by 2 cops.
After they patted me down and look in my suitcase I was allowed back in.
All I said said was "Hi Jack!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbour has a f**... for holidays
I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can't take it with you
A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.
A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "s**... idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."
A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.
With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.
"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.
"No, sorry, that's our carrion"
A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter
-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.
-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.
-Great then, because that's what you did on my last flight.
A guy walks up to a musician...
"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.
"I only got a tenor on me."
Most common Last words before death
1. throw me that grenade, i know how to deal with it.
2. it's 100% safe!
3. green is always grounding.
4. turn left, I know it there.
5. I slept with your sister.
6. it's ok, dogs loves me.
7. oh, they changed color of my pills.
8. Somebody forgot his suitcase.
9. let's have one beer
10. Chuck Norris doesn't exis...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I were going on holiday
And we were discussing our secret s**... fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed. So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drunk Son
The son arrived home drunk. To avoid being punished, he pretended to open his laptop and begin reading.
Dad: Did you come in drunk today, too?
Son: No, Dad, as you can see, I'm studying.
Dad: What are you studying by opening the suitcase, you m**...?
A man tells his friend that he has a dog in a suitcase who can play the piano.
The friend says ok let's see it . The man opens the suitcase and sure enough a small dog with a small piano comes out and plays the piano with great skill. As he plays a crowd gathers around to watch. After some time a female dog comes out from the crowd, picks him up by the scruff and carries him off. The friend asks what's going on is that part of his routine? The man says No that's his mother, she wants him to be a doctor.
(Translated from Hindi and relayed by my father in law)
There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.
A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.
When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father" and the elevator operator says "no, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Help
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
I don't know, he said. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!
My girlfriend said my obsession with Only Fools And Horses was too much and asked me to go.
I said, I'll get the suitcase from the van...
