The Spanish Inquisition.
Stark naked.
The Dark Knight Rises!
All politicians are assholes.
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, I take offense to that!
The pissed-off guy asks him, Why? Are you a politician?
No, he replies, I'm an asshole.
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
... "Fine. Suit yourself."
I said, "Spiders."
He said, "Professional ones?"
I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."
A man mentions to his coworker that her hair smells nice today. The woman suddenly grows enraged, Storms into her supervisor's office, and declares loudly she is quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on," says the supervisor.
"What's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"
"He's a fucking midget"
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
An astronaut, you fucking racist
It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."
Stark naked.
"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"
"It's a sircharge."
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"
But it wasn't his strong suit
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room.
Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.
I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...
You know she's a keeper.
Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Suit yourself.
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, May I help you?
The farmer said, Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.
The attorney asked, Well, do you have any grounds?
The farmer replied, Yeah. I got about 140 acres.
The attorney said, No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?
The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.
The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?
The farmer said, Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.
The attorney said, No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?
The farmer said, Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.
The exasperated attorney said, Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?
The farmer said, No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.
Finally, the attorney asked, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
And the farmer replied, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!
His Class Action Suit
FeDora
I'll see myself out.
Black guy one: "Do you think it will work?
Black guy two: "Only one way to find out."
BG1: "I only have $50"
BG2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change
BG1: "Let's do it then"
BG2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.
BG1: "Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25"
BG2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."
The man wears a full suit, the dog just pants
I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.
…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner's heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried This is why we can't halve nice things!
A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator together and it stops to let a man on. The man is wearing a business suit and has obvious dandruff flakes on both shoulders. He says hello and gets out on the next floor. The women continues to ride in awkward silence when the brunette speaks up. She says, "Someone needs to give that guy some head and shoulders."
The blonde looks confused and replies. "How do you give a guy shoulders?"
A husband went to the police station to file a missing report
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Officer: -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Officer: -Slim or healthy?
Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Officer: -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Officer : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Officer : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Officer : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Officer : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...
Rastas and Eliza were a married couple living in Alabama in the early 1970's. They'd been trying for a baby for over a year when they decided they better go and see the doctor.
Eliza went first and she came back about an hour later.
"How'd it go?"
"The doctor said I was fine, it must be you. You gotta go in tomorrow for some tests".
Next day Rastas went to the doctor, but he didn't come back until 3 hours later. And when he did, he was in a brand new suit.
"Rastas! Where've you been? I've been worried sick! And why are you in a brand suit?"
"Well Eliza the doctor said I was impotent, so I is gonna dress impotent!"
A young lawyer passes the Bar Exam & decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he will come across as very professional.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"
A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit.
Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers.
Finally, he had to buy tickets, there was yet another long line for the tickets but he waited, and eventually got what he needed.
The boy and his girlfriend were at prom dancing. After the music stopped, the girl asked for a glass of punch. The boy went to get drinks and there was no punchline.
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat
you up or anything?"
"No sir, we both get up about 4:30." replies the farmer.
All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"
The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't take it any longer.
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, what's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, "want a smoke?"
She replies, "Here? How?" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. The second one asks, "What's that?"
"Oh? You don't know? It's a condom!" They smoke, relax, and enjoy themselves. After they've been floating for a while, the second old lady says,
"And where can I get this condom?"
"Just over at the drugstore, easy."
Later that day, the second old lady walks into the nearest pharmacy, goes up to the teller, and asks for a condom. The teller is a young man who is quite bemused at this bent old lady coming in to buy a condom, so he decides to yank her chain a bit.
"And what size condom would you like?"
"Oh, I dunno, big enough for a camel."
A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"
and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."
"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"
"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."
"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"
"Naw, but I do have a John Deere."
"No, No, No, do you have a grudge?"
"Yup, park my John Deere in it evry night."
"Look here, do you have a suit?"
"'Course, wear it to church evry Sunday."
"You're not making this easy on me. Listen, is your wife a nagger?"
"Nope, but that last kid was, that's why I want one of them die-vorces."
Stark naked.
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.
Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
A man is sitting at the bar drinking a beer. He hears "nice suit". He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He shrugs it off, takes another sip. He hears "nice shoes too!" Startled, he looks around again this time searching for hidden cameras, or a television or some explanation for the voice. Still nothing. A few minutes pass and he forgets about it again going back to his beer. He then hears "you're very handsome". A little unnerved he asks the bartender "man, I don't want to sound strange, but I swear I keep hearing this voice talk to me..." the bartender replies nonchalantly "complimentary peanuts".
Two black guys come upon a new store that claims to have a machine that will turn them white for 10 dollars. The first black guy has a 20$ bill with him and the second only has a 5$ bill. So the first black guy says, "How about I go in and use the machine and then ill come out and give you my change?" They both agree on the plan and the first black guy proceeds to go in. About 15 minutes later, the guy comes out completely white. He has a nice Rolex Watch, and a business mans suit on. The second black guy that had been waiting says, "Oh my God it worked!! Can I get your change to get mine done?" He responds "Get a job nigger"
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow,
She's fat!
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"
Hopefully the USA will follow suit, and have their president deoranged.
On one particular farm he walks up to the farmer who was doing some work in one of his fields and says, "Sir, I'm from the DEA and I'm inspecting some farms in the area to make sure there are no illegal drugs being grown"
The farmer replies, "Alright, but just don't go in that field"
The DEA agent pulls out his badge and says, "See this fucking badge! This means I can go wherever the fuck I want to"
The farmer says, "Alright, suit yourself"
The DEA agent walks off and a few minutes later he's being chased through the field by a bull. The farmer drops his tools and runs to the fence yelling, "Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"
...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"
The bartender comes up to him and asks what's wrong. "I'm so wasted I just threw up all over myself! My wife said she would leave if I didn't quit drinking and when I get home, I'm done." The bartender says "I can help. Put a $20 in you coat pocket. Tell her you only had one beer, but a drunk idiot threw up on you and gave you the money to clean your suit. Crisis averted!" The guy says "ok" and goes home. Needless to say his wife was livid. He said "Honey, I'm not drunk, I only had one beer, but this drunk idiot threw up all over me, and gave me this $20 to dry clean the suit!" She said but this is a fifty!" He said "Oh, and I think he shit my pants too."
A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.
About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He didn't seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.
His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the brunette looked up to the blond and commented That man needs to get some Head and Shoulders.
The blonde got really confused before asking,
Wait, how do you give shoulders?
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
The man runs to greet her, "Am I ever happy to see you."
The girl says "Hi! Looks like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" The man says, "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
The man says, "Thanks!" The girl says, "So tell me, how long its been since you had a drink?"
The man replies, "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and out comes a flask of whiskey. The man takes a drink.
The man is so happy. "Wow. Thanks. You are a life saver!"
The girl begins to unzip the front of her wet suit. She says seductively, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Excitedly, the man says, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
he tells the attorney that he wants a divorce. "Do you habe any grounds?" asks the lawyer. The farmer says "ya, our house is on about fifty acres." "No no no," says the lawyer, "do you have a suit?" "Ya but I only wear it on sundays to church," says the farmer. "Do you have a case?" asks the lawyer, the farmer says, "no I got a john deere." "well sir do you have a grudge?" asks the lawyer, "well yes I got a grudge, thats wear I park the john deere." Frustrated the lawyer asks, "does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer replies, "no we both get up about 4:30." The lawyer blurts out "is your wife a nagger, sir?" The farmers replies "no shes a white girl, but that damn boy she had is, thats why I want a divorce."
"Will the defendant please rise"
As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case.
"Good god, what's that for?" His wife asks.
"Well, there's low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two?"
His wife takes him to the funeral home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"
The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."
"No problem", the funeral director says.
The day after, the wife walks in and sees the husband in a perfect, tailor made blue suit.
"That's perfect!" she says. "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, nothing", the director responds.
"Why nothing? It surely must have cost something!"
"See, yesterday another woman whose husband had died came in. He was the same size and same height as your husband, and was wearing a blue suit. She wanted a black suit on her husband.
So, I did the logical thing, and swapped the heads".
Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy?
Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door….an then the Husband started crying…
Inspector: Don not worry sir,… we will find your car.
A guy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes. Excited, the guy goes to dress shop to get a tuxedo but there is a very long line. After buying the suit he goes to buy flowers for his partner. So he gets in another very long line in the flower shop. Finally after hours of waiting he goes to prom. After dancing for a while his partner asks him to get punch for her. When he gets there, their is no punch line.
The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into the supervisors office and declares loudly that she's quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on" says the supervisor. "What's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"
"He's a fucking midget".
One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)
This really nerdy guys is walking along the beach one day wearing his bathing suit and notices this lifegaurd surrounded by a bunch of hot chicks. Curious, he walks up to the lifegaurd and asks him what his secret is, and how he can get girls too. The lifegaurd looks him up and down and says, "It's easy man, just put a potato in your pants."
The next day the nerdy guy comes back to the beach. While he's strutting his stuff he notices that all the girls are laughing at him.
Aggravated, he approches the lifegaurd again and says, "Hey what the hell!? I did what you told me to and put the potato in my pants, and now all the girls are laughing at me. Is this some kind of curel joke?!"
The lifegaurd responds, shaking his head and trying to hold in a chuckle, "No man, you were supposed to put the potato in the front."
My girlfriend's grandfather told me this beauty last night.
Bob no longer wants to be a Gynecologist and decides that a mechanic job would best suit him.
He attends a class on the basic of car repairs. After finishing the course Bob receives a grade of 150/100. Bob, confused, goes and takes to the instructor.
Bob: "Could you please break down the grade I received? I'm a little confused how I got 150%."
Instructor: "Well you get 50% for doing the undercarriage perfect! You get another 50% for doing the engine work perfect!"
Bob: "And what about the other 50%? Where did that come from?"
Instructor: "I gave you the extra points for being able to fix the carburetor through the muffler!"
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
and he gets flagged down by the beachside bathing suit store owner. Monsieur, you cannot wear cutoff jeans to the beach here, and talks him into buying a speedo type, telling him: "the women will drool over you when you're wearing it." He puts it on and leaves for the beach. The tourist comes back an hour later saying that the women still ignore him and give him disapproving looks as he walks by. The store owner looks down at his crotch and then hands him a potato and says "Monsieur, put this down your suit and the women will be unable to resist you for sure". The tourist comes back after 15 minutes, and says that now the women were throwing things at him and one even threw up when he walked past her.
The store owner says: Monsieur, the potato goes in the front of the suit!"
The Russian turns to the rest and pulls out a bottle of vodka, drinks half and then throws it out of the window. The Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all give him a confused look and ask why he did that.
"I don't need that, where I come from, is plenty of vodka," the Russian replies.
The Frenchman smiles and pulls out a bottle of very fine wine, drinks half and, following suit, throws it out of the window. "I don't need that. Where I come from, there is enough wine."
The Brit then picks up the Pakistani, and throws him out of the window.
Fe-Male
Breathtaking
For Sale: Wedding Suit, Worn Only Once By Mistake
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
...and he is approached by guy in a threadbare suit, who says, "Please, mister, I really need your help. My wife, she needs an operation, and I was just told today, if she doesn't get it, she's going to die! My dear wife, the love of my life, might die! Please, anything you can give me would help. Anything at all."
The man says "C'mon, man, look around you. How do I know you're not going to take anything I give you and gamble with it?"
The panhandler says, "Oh, I ***got*** gambling money."
The defendant.
An Irish farmer gets a phone call from the taxman informing him that he's being audited. For fuck sake, he thinks, thats the last thing I need at this time of year with the cattle needing branding etc. A few days pass and a car pulls up to the farm, out steps a young man in a suit. He asks to speak to the farmer promptly and the farmer comes back to the farmhouse to do so.
The young man begins inquiring about who the farmer employs. He says that he is aware of a young woman employed by the farmer. The farmer tells him that this is the milkmaid and shows the young man her wage receipts. The young accountant then asks about the a young man who the farmer employs. The farmer tells him that this is his farmhand and again can show his wage slips. The young man then asks him if there is anyone else employed on the farm. The farmer tells him that yes there is in fact, he employs a simpleton who works 14 hours days, 6 days a week for less than minimum wage who occasionally is allowed to sleep with the farmers wife. Outraged the young accountant demands to speak to this exploited worker. The farmer replies "you just have been you fucking eejit."
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