The Best 71 Suicide Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Suicide jokes. There are some suicide jumpers jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these suicide death puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Suicide Jokes and Puns
I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest
A little upset to find out he came back
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ΒFuck it, soldier on!Β
I called a suicide prevention line.
It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.
I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers
They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"
The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?
"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"
A blonde was rushed to the hospital
A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to suicide.
Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.
You can explore suicide suicidal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean suicide sheriffs dad jokes. There are also suicide puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.
I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.
I lost my job at the suicide hotline.
Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.
I am suicide bomber AMA
Wow this blew up fast.
What did one suicide bomber say to the other?
"Dude, I don't think it worked."
Why did the French chef commit suicide?
he lost his huile d'olive
An old woman wants to commit suicide...
...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold
They just left him hangin'
why would you be a suicide bomber...
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr
What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back?
The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.
Where do suicide bombers go after they die
All over the place
If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now
"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"
What did the suicide bomber instructor say to his class?
Now pay attention class, I'm only going to do this once.
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine
He was soda pressed.
In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.
I just need to talk her into it now.
What does a suicide bomber say when he's teaching class?
Pay attention! I'm only going to show this once.
Suicide gone wrong [CORNY]
-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.
Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?
Because his life had no porpoise.
I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.
I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
A suicide vest gets something accomplished when triggered.
I tried out for suicide club
I didn't make the cut
What did the suicide bomber instructor say...
I'm only going to show you this once.
A blonde tried to commit suicide
Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.
What is a suicide bombers worst fear?
Dying alone!
Suicide Bombing Instructor
What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words?
"Now I'm only going to show you this once!"
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like
So I told him, "C4 yourself"
I called the Suicide hotline today
They left me hanging
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way outβ¦
Now all I need to do is talk her into itβ¦
Never die a virginβ¦
β¦ When you get to Heaven they will make you have sex with a suicide bomber.
How do Putin opponents commit suicide?
Two bullets to the back of the head.
My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...
... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
Do you know why libraries don't have books about suicide?
They never get returned
Why is suicide illegal?
destruction of government property.
How do you make a walrus commit suicide?
Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'
Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?
To kill his career.
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere
I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.
Would it kill them to write few sentences?
How do Russians commit suicide?
With two bullets to the back of the head.
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd?
suicide vest
Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older
Me "when I what"
My parents don't understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn't allowed to...
Me: all my friends do it
Parents: if all you're friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too
Me: ok it's bad enough that you won't let me joke about it but you don't need to be a hypocrite
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....
...if I could just get the right people to try it.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
It's only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan...
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his students?
"Right lads, I'm only going to show you this once!"
My wife left me for another man.
All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.
What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?
"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"
I called the suicide prevention hotline
They told me to hang on
What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?
Suicide.
What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?
Suicide.
A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.
She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn't sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.
I went to my psychiatrist recently.
I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.
He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"
To which I said "I didn't know that was an option
Whats at the end of every programmers suicide note?
Goodbye World
I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.
It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism
Dark pickup lines
Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.
Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.
Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.
Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.
Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.
Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.
Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the suicide seppuku jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working suicide suicide blonde piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.