Suicidal Jokes
131 suicidal jokes and hilarious suicidal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about suicidal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the potentially crass practice of using dark humor in the form of suicide jokes to address mental health issues. From suicidal chemistry to suicidal fruit, these jokes often make light of a serious topic and raise the question of whether they can be a healthy way of expressing feelings of despair. Does this approach to mental health represent a cry for help, or help to defuse a potentially dangerous situation?
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Funniest Suicidal Short Jokes
Short suicidal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The suicidal humour may include short depressive jokes also.
- I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line... Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck... - I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts He said I have to start paying in advance
- Some consider romeo and juliet a tale of true romantic love... But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...
- My eldest came to me and he told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.
- A depressed man went to the doctor The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"
And the doctor said "Pay in advance." - An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there... ... by shooting them himself.
- What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster? One drinks bleach and watches spirits; the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.
- At the doctor "Doctor, I have suicidal thoughts what should I do?"
"First you should pay your visit." - A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward. The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."
- Everyone seems to hate inflation, but today it saved my friend's life. He was suicidal and all the money he had been saving to buy those cyanide pills was suddenly not enough.
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Suicidal One Liners
Which suicidal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with suicidal? I can suggest the ones about self destructive and psychiatric.
- What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five? You leave him hanging....
- I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts but now I don't.
- What does a suicidal man say to a suicidal girl? Hey, wanna hang?
- Like a suicidal Humpty Dumpty, I crack myself up
- Why did the suicidal guy cross the road? To get to the other side.
- I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people I said "hang in there!"
- Why'd the apple jump in the grinder? He was suicider.
- Takes a second to understand. The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people.
- What does a suicidal teenager do on the weekends? Hang at home.
- Bad advice to a suicidal person Hang in there
- Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together? A: A Hangover
- What do you call a suicidal cat? Curiosity.
- Who performs the most assisted suicides. Youth in Asia.
- What's one thing you should never say to someone suicidal? Hang in there.
- A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients. I hear his jokes killed.
Suicidal Thoughts Jokes
Here is a list of funny suicidal thoughts jokes and even better suicidal thoughts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If I had a penny for every suicidal thought I have had... I wouldn't be suicidal anymore
- do you know what a casual youtube blogger and a primary school teacher have in common? suicidal thoughts
- Do you want to here my one tip for getting rid of suicidal thoughts? Give in
- Why did the ballon go near the needle? Because it was having suicidal thoughts.
Suicidal Emo Jokes
Here is a list of funny suicidal emo jokes and even better suicidal emo puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an emo OC? A Mary Su-icide.
- For those possibly wondering why the popularity of the emo movement disappeared If your social group is defined by a suicidal nature, don't expect it to last a long time
Cheeky Suicidal Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about suicidal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tragic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make suicidal pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a s**... forest
A little upset to find out he came back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called a s**... hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brazilian people killed.
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Depression
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the s**... Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit s**... yesterday....
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, f**... it, soldier on!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not worried about Muslim s**... b**...
They can only do it once. Those hindu s**... b**... are the real threat.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about s**...?"
The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?
"Worst case of s**... I've ever seen"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.
A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"
The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have s**... with me? I haven't had s**... in 25 years."
The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."
The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"
The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde was rushed to the hospital
A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to s**....
Doctor: you shot your finger for s**...?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I saw a sign for a s**... helpline on the back of a bus.
I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was found dead eight years after committing s**...
Sort of proves his point, doesn't it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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In a crime scene....
"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"
"Well, the vic was found n**... in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut m**... case if you ask me"
"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during s**..."
"So it was a s**... then...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
iPod Shuffle
Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a s**... note.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
new job in call center
I got a new job with the local s**... hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I lost my job at the s**... hotline.
Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Ronda Rousey says she contemplated s**....
Holly Holm declined the rematch though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I am s**... bomber AMA
Wow this blew up fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A s**... bomber tripped outside a news kiosk
He's all over the front pages.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A s**... bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins...
But all he sees are other men just like himself.
Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did one s**... bomber say to the other?
"Dude, I don't think it worked."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police
Worst case of s**... they had ever seen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My roommate called the s**... hotline and they put him on hold
They just left him hangin'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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It must be pretty bad being the wife of a s**... bomber...
Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Did you hear about the physics student that committed s**... by jumping off a skyscraper?
What a shame. He had so much potential.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now
"Everyone in Moscow commits s**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on s**............
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A really sad man committed s**... by crushing himself with a vending machine
He was soda pressed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Me and my wife decided to form a s**... pact...
Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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s**... gone wrong [CORNY]
-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist s**... bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend said that China might be considering assisted s**... for teenagers
He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Who are the best readers in the world?
s**... jumpers : hundreds of stories in a few seconds
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I tried out for s**... club
I didn't make the cut
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What did the s**... bomber instructor say...
I'm only going to show you this once.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What has 3 d**... and is suicidal?
Me with 2 d**... in my mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What's the best part of having a suicidal coat?
It hangs itself
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the m**... of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a paper cut while writing my s**... note.
It's a start.
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I'm like a s**... vest.
If you do me right I'll explode on your chest.
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I just found out my girlfriend faked her s**....
Not a nice way to leave me hanging.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A guy was wondering what being a s**... bomber was like
So I told him, "C4 yourself"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My therapist committed s**... today.
Hi s**... note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there no female s**... b**...?
Good luck convincing a girl by telling her if she do it, she will meet 70 virgins in heaven.
I tried training for the Samaritans once.
But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.
-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the s**... hotline today
They left me hanging
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that s**... is the only way out…
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Never die a v**...…
… When you get to Heaven they will make you have s**... with a s**... bomber.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My girlfriend and I planned to commit s**... together...
... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you pick up a s**... bomber?
With a dustpan
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Do you know why libraries don't have books about s**...?
They never get returned
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Why is s**... i**...?
destruction of government property.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do you make a walrus commit s**...?
Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'
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I was trying to come up with a good s**... joke...
But I couldn't figure out how to end it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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That's the problem with writing books about s**... techniques
... you only get negative reviews.
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What do you call a dead journalist with 2 gunshots to the head?
A Russian s**...
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My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
They don't let me volunteer for the s**... prevention hotline anymore.
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Why did Logan Paul go to the s**... forest?
To kill his career.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I was being trained as a caller in a s**... prevention hotline...
...On my first day of training, my manager said;
"Let me show you the ropes!"
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I've been meaning to make more friends recently...
So I've joined a s**... cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I hate when people don't leave a s**... note.
Would it kill them to write few sentences?
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I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.
He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...
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How do Russians commit s**...?
With two bullets to the back of the head.
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How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit s**...?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Hitlers s**...
One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did h**... commit s**...?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd?
s**... vest
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Two police officers walk into a crime scene.
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your s**... jokes when you get older
Me "when I what"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My parents don't understand my generation joking about committing s**... and said I wasn't allowed to...
Me: all my friends do it
Parents: if all you're friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too
Me: ok it's bad enough that you won't let me joke about it but you don't need to be a hypocrite
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've realized that s**... would solve all my problems....
...if I could just get the right people to try it.
