The Best 66 Suicidal Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Suicidal jokes. There are some suicidal suicide jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these suicidal suicide blonde puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Suicidal Jokes and Puns


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

What does a suicidal teenager do on the weekends?

Hang at home.

What do you call a suicidal cat?


Suicidal joke, What do you call a suicidal cat?

I called a suicide prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

What did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge?

Don't do it! You have potential!

I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people

I said "hang in there!"

Suicidal joke, I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people

Did you hear about the redneck woman's husband who killed her father and her brother?

Supposedly she didn't even know he was suicidal

Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."

The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."

The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"

The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

What does a suicidal man say to a suicidal girl?

Hey, wanna hang?

Suicide Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the suicide-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?

I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

You can explore suicidal hang reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean suicidal bipolar dad jokes. There are also suicidal puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

They told me to get help when I was suicidal. My guy was terrible--

he wouldn't even pull the trigger!

What do you call a Jewish person who is suicidal?

A Yamikaze.

What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster?

One drinks bleach and watches spirits; the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.

What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?

You leave him hanging....


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything that I called the Suicide Lifeline. I was forwarded to a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they asked if I could drive a truck...

Suicidal joke, Depression

Takes a second to understand.

The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people.

I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts

but now I don't.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

Suicidal girls give the best head

Cuz they go down and don't have to worry about breathing

Bad advice to a suicidal person

Hang in there

What does kind of treatment does a suicidal cancer patient take?


What has 3 dicks and is suicidal?

Me with 2 dicks in my mouth.

What's the best part of having a suicidal coat?

It hangs itself

I'm starting to worry about my suicidal friend

But I'm sure he's hanging around somewhere

The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.

*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.

-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)

How can you tell the difference between a golfer and somebody suicidal?

One of them is happy to get a stroke

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

I don't know the meaning of the word "quit." I was going to look it up, but...

I still have some suicidal thoughts, but most of them have already killed themselves.

I'm a perfectionist. I've been writing and rewriting a suicide note for twelve years. It's killing me.

My friend asked, Must you write so many suicide jokes?
Don't worry. I'll stop soon.

How do you reassure a suicidal person?

You tell them to hang in there.

I told my suicidal friend that time heals all wounds, and he agreed with me.

His body was later found at the bottom of Big Ben.

Why did the suicidal man get his pilot's license?

Because he didn't want to die alone.

What do you call a suicidal soviet?

A commie-kazi

I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.

He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My daughter has said she's been having suicidal tendencies and she asked for my support.

So I bought her some rope.

I love dating suicidal women...

because I hate long-term commitment.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

What do you call an emo strip club?

Suicidal Thots

My eldest came to me and

he told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.

I like my women like i like my humor

Dark and suicidal

My buddy was feeling suicidal and approached me for support

I told him to hang in there.

Why did the suicidal guy cross the road?

To get to the other side.

What's one thing you should never say to someone suicidal?

Hang in there.

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

I went to give a suicidal person a high five....

But he left me hanging.

The more suicidal people get

The less suicidal people there are!

Like a suicidal Humpty Dumpty,

I crack myself up

I told my therapist I had suicidal tendencies

From then on he made me pay in advance!

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

A man is suicidal and is about to jump off a building

Don't do it! shouts another man from behind him. God loves you and has given you life for a purpose.

Really? says the suicidal man.

Yes. Do you believe in God?


Me too! Christian or non-Christian?


Me too! Which denomination?


Me too! Which sub-denomination?


Me too! KJV or ESV Bible?

ESV Bible.

Die, heretic! And the second man pushes the first man out of the building.

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

My roommate is into auto-erotic asphyxiation, but he's also suicidal.

I can never tell if he's coming or going.

I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts

He now makes me pay in advance

I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression

I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"

And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"

At the doctor

"Doctor, I have suicidal thoughts what should I do?"

"First you should pay your visit."

A Suicidal person and a Homicidal person are roomed together in a psyche ward

The homicidal person says "we share a common interest"

A dumbass,a suicidal person and a gamer walk into a bar

The bartender says: you are 13 why are you in a bar

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

Did you hear the one about the suicidal soviet pilot?

He was a commie-kazi.

What do you call a suicidal pig?


Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the suicidal psychopathic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working suicidal seppuku piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes