The Best 63 Suggest Jokes

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

I was wondering the other day...

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

Where do conspiracy theorists keep their ideas?

In a skeptic tank.

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(Note: I just made up this joke earlier today. I'm not 100% sure the joke is obvious; feel free to suggest a better wording!)

What do you call a Psychic Compromise?

A Happy Medium.

Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing.

A drunk is walking around downtown...

When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

It's a fair notion to suggest that I'm quite keen on oral contraceptives.

I asked a girl to have sex with my one night.

She said "No."

The wife's back on the warpath again...

She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

it has been suggested that men think about sex every 8 seconds

I can tell you that's a complete phallus

Catholics don't believe in condoms which is fair enough, but how do they suggest I smuggle heroin!

Unidan and I are planning a summer road trip.

I don't think I'm going to enjoy it. Every place I suggest we stop at I'm outvoted 5 to 1.

German Mining Company

German miner, "herr supervisor, we're working so many hours and we're so efficient that within a year we will run out of ore to mine."

Mine Supervisor, "this is a problem. A very bad problem."

Miner, "what do you suggest we do?"

Supervisor, "Mein Fuhrer."

I suggested a threesome to my girlfriend.

"That's fine," she said, "Just not with another girl."

"OK then, I'll call up James and Daniel." I replied.

I suggest we all go to Russia for Christmas..

They'll have fried Turkey

Donald trump

The last American president was black, polls suggest that the next president will be Donald trump.....

Huh. I guess orange is the new black

New research shows that birthdays are good for your health

Studies suggest that people with the most birthdays live the longest

Alphaterrorism

Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack. It's not yet known which letter had anything to do with the atrocity, but early reports suggest G had.

**Suggestion for you**

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

"Mr. Obama, how exactly does someone impeach a president?" "The american people have made their decision. To suggest we impeach a president before he's had a chance is an outrage! Regardless of your opinions and the flawed system we're under the election was held fair and square...

...Now would you *please* stop asking that, Mr. Trump?"

Nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda.

The one that doesn't lives in Flint, Michigan.

What a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

So a man and a wife were walking....

The wife sees a dog licking itself and whispers to her husband
"I wish I could get down like that."
The husband replies "I suggest you ask if you can pet em first"

If you ever have a few extra minutes on your hand...

If you ever have a few extra minutes on your hand...
I suggest going to get a more accurate watch.

Problem Child

Psychiatrist to the mother of a problem child:
"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I'm going to prescribe some tranquilizers for you. I suggest you take them regularly."
On the next visit: "So, have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes, they have."
"And how is your son now?"
"Who cares?!?"

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

My proctology test results just came back...

it said "blooming reef, suggest patient relocate to ocean".

My friend from Beijing asked me to suggest some nice Taylor Swift songs so I asked him to listen to "T.S.1989" album

I haven't heard anything from him since

If there is anything that really bothers you, I suggest that you let a friend know.

That way, they will be bothered by it too.

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

I suggested to my wife that she should buy a taser so that she could stop men trying to force her to have sex with them.

I was shocked when she actually took my advice.

I suggested to my WiFi that it should main Reinhardt on Overwatch

It's great at tanking during pivotal moments.

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

I am planning to take my girlfriend out for a movie tonight.

Could someone suggest me a good girlfriend?

If you're looking for a well paying job, I'd suggest looking into becoming a baker.

I've heard they make a lot of dough.

An obese woman goes the the doctor.

The doctor attempts to suggest diet and exercise. The woman responds, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese, my sister is obese, my brother is obese, my cousins are obese. Obesity runs in my family." She doctor thinks for a second and responds, "It sounds like no one runs in your family."

How did the woman react when the doctor suggest she have a brain biopsy?

She gave him a piece of her mind.

Penises are an important part of human culture and anatomy and must be honoured

I suggest we erect a statue

A second opinion

Doctor: Your test results came back, I'm afraid you do have cancer. I suggest we treat you with chemotherapy as soon as possible.

Patient: Hmm I don't know.... I'd like a second opinion.

Doctor: Okay. You are also ugly.

In 20 years, computers will be over 10,000 times more powerful than they are now

In fact, some researchers suggest they may even be able to run Windows 10 without crashing.

Someone suggested that when you are having a bad day that you should do your best to turn it around

But I'm not sure how to enjoy a yaddab either.

If Donald Trump really wants to get his wall and slow down illegal immigration

I suggest a rock climbing one

A man is planning his vacation,

As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant, then, in 2013 you suggested France, and, guess what? My wife got pregnant, again!
-Well that's not my fault! You should just start taking your wife with you!

I suggested my wife that she'd look better with dark hair

Apparently that's an offensive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

Hard to swallow

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!" he proclaimed.
"What kind of pills were you taking?" I asked.
"Oh, they weren't pills. They were suppositories."

If you really like a girl and you ask her out, and she says I love you like a brother

Suggest a weekend in Alabama.

Unless you are from Alabama, in which case she is your sister.

The prostitute said we could do it as long as we both wore surgical masks and persepex visors.

Suits me. They normally charge extra when I suggest that.

In these trying times, we all need to put our differences aside and make a special prayer for President Donald Trump. I suggest Psalm 109:8 ...

... "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

Studies suggest that parents can do 1/3 of their kids' math assignments

However, they struggle with the other 3/4

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

Ok folks, all you automobile experts, I need your advice. I'm ready to buy a brand new top model fast car, budgeting around a million. Can you please suggest..............

..............Where can I get the money from?

Cleveland Indians are going to change their name....

....I suggest Cleveland Bharati.

I was thinking about watching a romantic movie with my girlfriend tonight,

can anybody suggest me a good girlfriend? :)

Studies suggest that masturbation is twice as effective as sex for dealing with stress.

So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush

I have this theory about my sex life lately

Actually, it's more of a hypothesis since I have no physical evidence to suggest it even exists.

An Antarctic explorer has a sore ass from sitting on the ice all day.

Since there's currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says it's probably just piles, but since I can't examine you, you'd better send a photo just in case it's something more serious.

Worried, the explorer blurts out how the hell do I take a photo of piles on my own butt in the middle of Antarctica?!?

The doctor replies I'd suggest a polarrhoid camera.