suffering Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious suffering puns

My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.


During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."


My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction


Today, I played God.

I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...


A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"


Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll


Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring.

Then comes the suffering.


I was taught there are 3 rings in life.

The engagement ring. The wedding ring. And the suffering.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”


A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.

"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"

The woman looked strictly at her daughter.

"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."


My favorite psychiatrist joke

A man gets mugged on the street and is lying on the ground, suffering from his wounds. A psychiatrist happens to walk by and sees the man and says, "Whoever did this to you needs some serious help!"


Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake


I was suffering from constipation the other day but I really didn't care

In fact, I didn't even give a shit.


I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Forget it.....Soldier on!


After both suffering depression for a while the wife and i were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better so i thought fuck it, soldier on.!


A woman stopped me in the street today and told me a joke.

After hearing it, I thought it had all the ingredients of a great joke: child abuse; incestual rape, tears, poverty and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline.

Something about $10 a month...


Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.


During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?


I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.


A charitable organization noticed that the richest man in town had never donated.

A representative of the organization called the man. "Our research shows that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd like to donate some amount to help those in need."

The man responded, "Did your research show you that my mother is suffering from a chronic illness, and cannot afford her medical bills?"

"Erm, no..."

"Did your research take into account my sister, whose husband died and was left broke with four children and no job?" the man said.

"I'm so sorry..." the rep began but was abruptly cut off

"Or perhaps my brother, who is a disabled veteran and is confined to a wheelchair, and long wait lists at the VA just to see a doctor?"

The representative was speechless.

Then the man said, "And I don't give any money to them, so why the hell should I give any money to you?"


A woman's doctor prescribes her testosterone

...for better bone density, libido, and mood. The woman is a bit dubious, but readily follows the doctor's orders.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Smith?" he asks.

She replies, "Oh, just wonderful. I am noticing a positive change on these hormones. I *am* suffering from a little extra hair growth, though."

"Oh, a little extra hair is perfectly normal when on a testosterone course," the doctor says reassuringly. "Where is the hair growing?"

The woman replies, "On my balls."


Two firefighters

Two firefighters are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The chief walks in and yells,"what the fuck is going on in here?" The one firefighter says," he was suffering from smoke inhalation." So the fire chief asks," why didn't you try mouth to mouth?" The firefighter says," how the hell do you think this got started!"


A teacher reminds her class for tomorrow's exam

A teacher reminds her class of the yearly test tomorrow.

"And remember class, there is no excuse for missing the test tomorrow, not a hurricane, not a funeral, not a nuclear attack, nothing!"

Little Johnny in the corner then pipes up and says

"What would happen if I came into class suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The whole class bursts into laughter. The teacher walks up to Johnny and smiles and says

"I'd guess you'd have to write the test left-handed."


A man suffering from persistent headaches for years finally decides to go to the doctor.

After several exams, meetings with consultants and various tests, the doctor tells, "You have an unusual condition in which your testicles are pressed up against the base of your spine, causing your headaches. We don't know how this is caused, but the only long term solution available is to remove them permanently."

After much angst, the man decides to go through with the procedure. The operation is complete, and the man wakes up headache free. Delighted with his new lease on life, he decides to treat himself to a new custom made suit.

Arriving at the best suit-maker in town, the tailor tells the man he's so good that he doesn't need a tape measure to know his sizes.

Intrigued, the man said "prove it."

"Very well. You shirt size is a 42" collar"

The man nods.

"Your jacket is a size 40"

Impressed now, the nods again.

"Your waist size is 36" and your legs 34""

"Right again" said the man. "But I bet you can't guess my underwear size."

"I would say a 32, sir" said the tailor

"Wrong!" said the man. "Worn a size 30 all my life."

"Oh no, sir, you wouldn't want to do that. A size 30 would push your balls up against your spine and give you terrible headaches."


I think my wife is suffering from Bulimic Amnesia

She keeps eating and eating and eating, and then forgetting to throw up



An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......
"Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."


Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness.

"You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.

Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.


Sadly, my best friend passed away yesterday, so I went to see his wife today...

I said to her, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."

She replied, "But he wasn't ill, he died suddenly."

I said, "I know, I meant, being married to you."


A little boy, suffering with diarrhea, asks his mom for some Viagra...

"What!" asks the shocked mother, "Why on Earth would you ask for that?"

"Well," replies the boy, "isn't that what you give dad when his shit can't get hard?"


Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.


I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.


So a guy sees his doctor about his Viagra prescription...

Doctor: How have you felt since taking Viagra?

Guy: I've felt great! Sex is better than it's been in years!

Doctor: So, you haven't been suffering from blurred vision?

Guy: Suffering? Have you seen my wife?


Did I ever tell you the joke about the guy suffering from dementia?

Did I ever tell you the joke about the guy suffering from dementia?


I've been suffering from amnesia.

Or was it dyslexia?

All I know is that I can't remember it and I sure as hell can't spell it.


What are the most funny Suffering jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Suffering? Well, here are the best Suffering dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Suffering pick up lines to share with friends.

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