Suffered Jokes

What are some Suffered jokes?

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Gandhi...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts

but now I don't.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.

My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses

I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.

Mahatma Gandhi...

...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.

She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Jim and his sex life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.

You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his sex life has suffered because of it.

Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.

Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"

His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"

So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.

On the 30th day his doctor phones.

Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"

Jim: "Yeah I did doc."

Doc: "Well how's your sex life? Did it improve?"

Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"


Told to me by my grandmother

Mahatma Gandhi wanted to be a babysitter...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Nevertheless, in his final years he decided that he wanted to be a babysitter and sent an application to the Babysitter University. Unfortunately they rejected him, stating that they could not accept an applicant that was "A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis".

1916 in France

The germans and the french sat in their trenches. The german army suffered from great losses, so the german general had to come up with a plan. Because he couldn't find a solution for their problems he decided to ask his soldiers. Only one had an idea.

'We should find out the most common french name, shout it over no mans land and kill whoever is stupid enough to react to it.'

Since it was the only idea, the german general gave the order to find the most common french name and use this information to kill as many french soldiers as possible. One of his officers discovered that the most common french name was Pierre.

The germans tried this tactic and, surprisingly, many french soldiers were stupid enough to stick their head out of the trench when they heard their name.

Over the next couple of weeks the french lost uncounted men to the german tactic so they decided to copy it. They assumed the most common german name must be Hans. Their first attempt to try this tactic went as followed:

French soldier: 'Hans!'

No reaction

French soldier: 'Hey, Hans!'

German soldier: 'Hans is away!'

French soldier: 'Where is he?'

German soldier: 'Shitting! Is that you, Pierre?'

And the french soldier stuck his head out of the trench

I've suffered from identity crisis since I was a little boy.

I mean girl.

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What Roman dictator suffered from Epilepsy?

Julius Seizure.

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.


She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'll have a lovely day together, cheer, laugh, have fun, but she wont remember a thing in the morning.


We have our burdens, but I wouldn't leave her for anything in the world! I admire the way she handles her difficulties and I am proud of her.


Also: did I mention that, you know ... in the bedroom, she's willing to try anything, just once, to see if she likes it.

So far, more Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola.

And the Ebola victims suffered less.

I heard a report!

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently, 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can't stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

A Man and Woman are getting it on for the first time

She takes his socks off and notices his gnarly toes

"What happen to your toes?" she asks

he says " when i was a child i suffered from Toelio"

She says "you mean Polio?

He says "no it's like polio but of the toes"

She isn't willing to let this stop her. And she slides his pants down and notices his oddly colored weirdly shaped knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asks

"in my teens i had the kneesles" he says

She said "you mean the measles?"

he says "no it's like the measles but of the knees"

Still this won't stop her. She slides his boxers down. She giggles and says "let me guess...smallcox"

A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...

She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:

"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"

Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:

"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.

I only suffered super fish oil injuries, but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

Hospital Bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."

'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."

The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".

:D

Newlyweds went on their honeymoon...

and were getting undressed to be together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks, revealing some grotesque toes.
"What happened to your feet?" she asked.
"As a child I suffered from tolio." he replied.
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio. It only affects the toes."
He proceeded to remove his pants and she saw that his knees were twisted and contorted.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.
"You see, I also had kneesles." he answered.
"You mean measles?"
"No no, kneesles. It only affects the knees."
When he removed his boxers his wife exclaimed "Wait, don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

I could never date a jewish woman

Because i believe the jews have suffered enough

An ethnically diverse group of people are doing something…

An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, "My native land has suffered from all the people stolen away by slavery. I wish for all my people to be returned to Africa to start a new age of African success." As he finishes speaking, poof, he is gone. The Mexican-American is inspired and says, "My native land has suffered from all the people run out by the cartels and corruption. I wish for all my people to be returned to Mexico to start a new age of Mexican success." As he finishes speaking, poof, he is gone. The Jewish-American feels the same way and says, "My native land has had my people chased out for thousands of years. I wish for all my people to be returned to Israel to start a new age of Israeli success." As he finishes speaking, poof, he is gone. The white guy is clearly taken aback with all that has happened. He says, "Let me get this straight, all the black, mexicans, and jews are gone? Lemme get a diet coke."

A young couple decides to have sex for the first time.

As they're undressing each other, the woman removes the man's shoes and socks. "What's the matter with your toes?"

"Oh that, when I was younger I suffered from toelio"

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, no, toelio, it's like polio but it only affects the toes."

They go a little farther and she removes his pants. "What's wrong with your knees?"

"I had kneesles. It's like measles but it only affects the knees."

When she finally removes his underwear, she takes one look and says, "Let me guess. You had smallcox too!"

Did you hear about player safety in the super bowl?

Both teams suffered from blackouts

How come Hitler's Germany had no people who suffered from ADHD?

Because he sent them all to concentration camps.

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the new "The Land Before Time" movie, but was told my insurance wouldn't pay for it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.

A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.

Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained, the doctor said.

The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

A local convent, which had no security system, suffered a kidnapping.

No fence, nun taken.

Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada.

He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight.

Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

I'm against gay marriage.

They've suffered enough.

Have you heard about the ATM that got addicted to money?

I heard it suffered from withdrawls.

So I was brushing up on Egyptian history the other day...

and I was reading about King Tut. Apparently he suffered from IBS, which caused him to pass the most ungodly smelling gas (reminiscent of rotting animal carcasses seasoned with rotted potatoes). Due to this, it was hard to find servants willing to happily serve him, but one day, Tut's parents encountered a servant who suffered from the same condition and was used to the smell, so he was more than happy to serve the future Pharaoh. From that day forward, the Servant and Tut were always together, both excreting the foul stench from their derrieres. Most people agreed that they had a Tutankhamen.

Donald Trump was on a fact finding visit to Israel

When he suffered a heart attack and died. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that he can have his body transported back to the USA for a fee of $50,000 or they can bury him in the holy land for Just $100.

The diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes, they come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Trump shipped home.

The undertaker looks puzzled, Why would you pay all that money when it would be wonderful for him to be buried here in the holy land for Just $100?

The diplomats replied Long a go a man died and was buried here and he rose from the dead, we just can't take that risk

Did you hear about the Japanese man who suffered burns trying to save a bar?

He did it for his own Sake

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

Ancient artifacts hint Jesus may have had a wife and kids

So he likely suffered a lot more than we think.

I was speaking to a black man the other day, when I said I suffered from Deuteranopia he asked 'Are you being racist?'

I said 'no, I don't see colour'

The sore throat

Carl, a young man, woke up and suffered from an awful sore throat and all but lost his voice. The small town's doctor operated out of his own home, so Carl made his way over, scratching at his sore throat.

Dr. Wendell's wife answered the door, "Yes?"
Carl, in a very quiet, breathy voice replied, "Is the doctor in?"
Mrs. Wendell replied in the same whispering tone, "No.... come on in!"

*-Groucho Marx*

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

Jesus was originally supposed to come back on the second day...

But he suffered from some resurrectile dysfunction

Hickery dickery dock. The mice ran up the clock.

The clock struck one,
And the others suffered minor injuries.

My local butcher's shop is so clean

You could eat a raw sausage directly out of the butcher's trouser pocket. I know this because I spotted my wife doing it in the back of his shop the other day and she seems to have suffered no ill-effects.

Ireland has suffered its worst aviation disaster in history after a 2 seat Cessna crashed in a graveyard this evening...

Irish Search and Rescue say they have recovered 835 bodies so far and expect to find far more as digging continues throughout the night.

I had a minor accident at work...

I won't go into details, but it affected my eyes.

The left one is okay, but the other one actually suffered enough trauma to where it popped out. It was "unsalvageable", doctors said.

When they broke the news, I couldn't help but get emotional.

I knew I'd never see right again.

A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire.

He suffered a Corona discharge.

Did you know that Stalin suffered from bulimia?

He didn't binge, though, he just purged.

I have a childhood friend who has suffered from schizophrenia his whole life. In fact, he never moved out…

He still lives in my head.

I was in a horrible accident a few years ago, and I suffered some brain damage and lost feeling to my whole left side.

I'm feeling all right now

Since Christians believe that God is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit

Clearly states that Jesus Christ suffered from Tripolar Disorder.

What Roman emperor suffered from head pains?

Julius Seizure

Why couldn't the alligator get it up

He suffered from ereptile dysfunction

I drink Coffee for the Same reason im a Christian..

I like to know someone else suffered in my place.

I once met a dyslexic who suffered from vertigo.

Her name was Dizzy Spells.

The Snake Handler

The snake handler suffered from a reptile dysfinction

One day an obnoxious atheist asked a pious Muslim man to explain to him why people suffered If God existed. The Muslim calmly thought for a minute

And then hacked that disbeliever's head clean off.

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