Sue Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline.

You don't have much of a case, he replied.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline."

Lawyer: "I see, but you don't have much of a case."

I was going to sue my neurosurgeon.

But he changed my mind.

An Engineer ends up in hell

When the engineer gets there, he asks the devil if he can make some changes. The devil says sure and lets him do his thing. Pretty soon, life in hell starts to improve and its not as bad as before. God notices and gets annoyed, he tells the devil that he has to give the engineer to him because hell is supposed to be bad and improvements aren't allowed. The devil refuses because he likes the changes so far. God says if he doesn't give him the engineer then he will sue.

The devil says "oh yeah? and where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!

A lady walks into a pet store

A lady walks into a pet store and immediately sees a parrot in a cage.

The parrot sees the lady and starts talking to her;

Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!"

Lady: " What is it?"

Parrot: "You're ugly."

The lady gets offended and leaves the store.

The next day the lady comes back to the same pet store and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the day before, starts talking to her.

Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!"

Lady: "What is it?"

Parrot: "You're ugly."

The lady becomes furious and decided to talk to the manager. She told the manager that if they don't do anything about that parrot she will sue them. The manager apologizes and assures her that it will all be fixed and the parrot won't say anything offensive anymore, for it is a very smart parrot.

The lady returns to the same pet store the next day and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the last two days, starts talking to her.

Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!"

Lady: "WHAT?!"

Parrot: "...You know."

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

Fresh and Funny!

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?

Oh Harry, that would be lovely!

Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

How does a lawyer name their kids?

Bill and Sue

So an engineer ends up in Hell...

So an engineer dies and goes to Hell despite the fact he's supposed to be in Heaven. Being an engineer and all, he notices Hell is in a state of disrepair and fixes everything. God looks down and notices that Hell is in a relatively decent state.

He notices the Engineer, who simply shrugs, and yells at the Devil "He's supposed to be up here with me! I'm going to sue you!"

The Devil looks up and says "Yeah well where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.



20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.

He stands in his appartament on the top floor of the highest building on the continent, looking at the town of which he owns 3/4, with a glass of most exensive single malt in his hand, and he asks himself a question...



When did this all go wrong?

A lawyer hunting in the country shoots a duck...

...and it falls on the other side of a tall picket fence surrounding a rickety old house. As the lawyer is climbing over the fence, an old man comes scrambling out of the house yelling "That duck is on my property and it belongs to me!" The lawyer quickly retorts "I shot that duck! and if you make any move to take it from me I'll sue you for everything you own!" The old man says "Well hold on mister, down in this country we settle arguments with the old three kick rule. I kick you three times and you kick me three times until someone gives up." The lawyer, thinking he could easily take the old man, agrees. Immediately the old man kicks the lawyer once in the mouth, once in the stomach, and once in the groin, knocking him to the ground. The lawyer, after moaning for some time and still in quite a bit of pain, gets up and says "Alright old man, now it's my turn!" And the old man says "No I give up, you can have the duck."

I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

Ye fecker!!

Six guys - American, English, Russian, Chinese, Jewish and Irish - go to a restaurant. Each orders a glass of wine and each gets a fly in their glass.
The American yells at the waiter storms out of the restaurant, cussing and threatening to sue.
The Englishman politely asks the waiter to bring him a different glass.
The Russian takes the fly out and drinks the wine.
The Chinese guy takes the fly out, drinks the wine, then eats the fly.
The Jewish guy takes the fly out, drinks the wine, then sells the fly to the Chinese guy.
The Irishman, picks up the fly and screams "Spit it out ye fecker, that's my drink!"

God and the devil were arguing...

... about the fence that separates heaven and hell. "Your side is falling down," said God.
"just look at it!"
"So what?" the devil said.
"We're both responsible for keeping up our sides. Mine's perfect." God replied.
The devil shrugged. "What are you going to do about it?"
"If you force me to, i'll get a lawyer and sue you,"
said God.
"The devil laughed for ten minutes straight. "Give me a break. Where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Bubba Calls 911

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?' asked the operator.
Bubba replied, 'At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, 'How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?'

So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan

and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says
"You're on my propriety get off!"
The lawyer replies
"Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and sue you for all you got!"
To which the farmer say calmly
"Now, now you city-slicker, in Michigan we have a solution to settle these small disputes."
"Oh really?" says the lawyer
"Yes it's called the Three kick rule, I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and who ever gives up first loses and the winner keeps the duck."
"Well that sounds easy, lets do this!"
The lawyer asks for a moment then turns around and takes couple deep breaths then says
"I'm ready" and turns around. As soon as he turned around the farmer kicked him in the family jewels with his steel toed boots and that brought him down to his knees. The next to kicks are so pain full he nearly gives up the duck. He slowly stands up spits on the ground and says
"Now it's my turn to kick you old man!"
The farmer slowly smiles and says
"Nah, I give up you can have the duck."

Three Southern ladies are sitting on the porch drinking cocktails

Betty Lou says, "After I had little Bubba Junior, Bubba bought me a brand new Cadillac convertible."

Bobby Sue says, "That Bubba is one sweet and generous husband."

Darla Jean says, "Well ain't that sweet."

Bobby Sue says, "When I gave birth to little Dale Junior, Dale said we needed a bigger house and bought me a new four bedroom with central air."

Betty Lou says, "I declare that Dale is a wonderful man."

Darla Jean says, "Well ain't that sweet."

Bobby Sue says, "Darla Jean, what did Lester get you after Les Junior was born?"

Darla Jean says, "He sent me to charm school."

"Charm school?"

"Yes, and it worked, too. I used to just say fuck you, but now I say, 'Well ain't that sweet'.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

Mary and Sue are discussing good-looking boys in their high school.

Mary asks "Have you seen that new Mexican kid Amal Garcia?"


"Garcia?" Sue responds. "No, but I think I've seen his brother Juan"

Mary replies "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

I'm really scared that the Fine Bros are going to sue me

because I just had an allergic reaction.

Tried to sue British Airways because they lost my luggage.

Turns out I didn't have a case.

The Harassing parrot.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey! Hey, you!" it said.

"What?" She asked.

"You *know* what!"

There was an old couple who wanted to have a child.

They went to a fertility clinic, and the doctor told them it was probably impossible, but they should still test. He handed the old man a jar and pointed to a bathroom down a hall. An hour later, they came out, wheezing and panting.
The old man says, I tried with my right hand, and my left, but couldn't get it. I had Mary Sue come in, and she tried with her left and her right. She even put her mouth around it, using her teeth and once without them. My daughter even tried by squeezing her thighs into it, and still nothing happened.
The old woman says, We just couldn't get that damn jar open.

I was going to sue U2 for stealing one of my songs

But I found out my lawyer was pro-bono.

I tried to sue a company that sold me an erectile dysfunction treatment that didn't work

But the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

I'm pretty sure that I experimented with homosexuality in college...

I'm not sue though, my memories are kind of Spacey.

The airline smashed my luggage

so I asked my lawyer if I could sue them... he said, "you don't have much of a case".

Fine Bros can't sue metal beams,

Because they don't react to jet fuel.

What is a name for a female lawyer?

Sue

There once was a lady named Sue...

..who didn't have much to do.

So she pulled out the vacuum,

and went to the bathroom,

and found a new way to go poo.

Hey Lady!

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

This continued for a couple weeks. Eventually, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store if the parrot did not stop insulting her.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!"

"Yes?", she said

The parrot said, "You know."

A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost? I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you so bad your grandchildren will feel it!"

The cab driver sighs and says, "You lawyers are all the same, only care about material things. Your door got ripped off, yet you didn't realize you also lost your arm."

The lawyer looks down to see his left arm missing, looks back and the cabbie and yells, "My Rolex!"

The parrot in a pet store

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue them. The manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.

"Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

I like defending myself in court.

So sue me.

A man who has a lawsuit with Folgers

has grounds to sue.

I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.

Turns out we had a lot in common.

Why did Papa John sue Papa John's?

He kneaded the dough.

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

Lazy asses!! Thug Life.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?  - Oh Harry, that would be lovely!  - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

A mans luggage was lost on an airline, so he attempted to sue them.

Turns out he lost the case.

Jack and Sue

The manager of a company has to make a hard choice, whether or fire Jack or Sue. They are both superb workers, but the company has been running into hard times.

The manager decides that whomever drinks from the cooler first will be laid off the following morning.

Sue, who always comes in bright and early, had a horrible hangover from partying to hard last night, and goes to the fountain to drink some water with her advil.

The manager walks up to her, sighs and tells her, "Sue, I'm sorry. I either have to lay you or Jack off."

Turning to face the manager, Sue smiles and says, "Please just jack off, my head is killing me."

God is walking on the border between heaven and hell...

God is walking on the border between heaven and hell.

He notices the fence on Satan's side is broken down and in disrepair.

He calls Satan over, and says, "Satan, fix this fence or I will sue you."

Satan looks nonplussed and says:

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET AN ATTORNEY?!?"

Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Sue's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm at the Hooters next to that."

Three doctors hire a nurse

Three doctors with a growing private practice decided they needed to hire a new nurse onto their staff to meet their needs. They hired a very qualified applicant named Sue, and met after a week to discuss the new nurse's abilities in her new role.

"She does a really good job with the patients, but I'm concerned Sue is mixing things up a bit. I told her her shift was from 7 AM to 5 PM and she showed up at 5 AM the next day." Said the first doctor.

The second doctor chimed in, "I have had some similar issues. I told Sue to tell the patient they needed to take one antibiotic every 6 hours and she told them they needed to take 6 every one hour."

The third doctor looked shocked, "I have had no issues so far -"

The three heard a blood-curdling scream from the next room over.

"Oh," said the third doctor, "I see what you mean. I just asked Sue to prick the boil on the patient in the next room."

I was really angry when my wife tried to sue me for impotence

But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue

There once was a lady named Sue...

There once was a lady named Sue

She didn't have much to do

So she pulled out the vacuum

and went to the bathroom

And found a new way to go poo

**I just want to say this is not a repost. I wrote this Limerick, with the exception of the first two lines.*

Talking Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a talking male parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're fucking ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way to work .

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're fucking ugly!" She was super pissed-off now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would punish the parrot and make sure he didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" he said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn't have a leg to stand on

When I was a young boy I tried to get the leader of our church to touch me inappropriately during confession so that I could sue him...

But he just told me to stop pastor baiting.

Started reading the bible.

Could not bother finishing. Jesus is such a Mary Sue and lacking in any true character development. 1 star.

My wife tried to sue me for impotence

But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court

No lawyers up there

Once an engineer got sent to hell by mistake and helped Satan fix hell
Seeing this god contacted Satan

God: There seems to be a mistake , We would like to have the engineer back

Satan: No way, Damn guy is a magician fixed up everything wrong with this place
now we even have central air conditioning here

God: You can't do that
Satan: Oh yeah, what you gonna do?
God: I will sue you
Satan: And where are you gonna find a Lawyer?
God: Oh shit.....

In light of recent events, I am so scared that I have stopped masturbating....

....I am worried my dick will sue me for groping, sexual harassment and over-use!

My friend got crushed when a Billy bookcase fell on him in Ikea yesterday. He's decided not to sue though...

He says it was a shelf inflicted injury.

I went to my WIFES doctor and told him I was going to sue him.

When he asked why I explained that ever since my wife left his care she hasn't been sexually interested in me.

The doctor said all he done was cataract surgery and now she can see.

The airline lost my prosthetic leg

To make matters worse, a baggage handler dropped a heavy suitcase on my foot... I wanted to sue the airline, but my lawyer said I didnt have a leg to stand on.

So you know how you get nicknames from longer ones like Bob from Robert, or Sue from Susanne? Well, how do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask nicely.

Someone tried to sue me over my bottomless pit

But there weren't any grounds

Why did the weatherman sue the clouds?

They wouldn't let him see his sun!!

Why did the blackboard sue the dry erase marker?

Because the dry erase marker would only work with the whiteboard.

Why didn't the patient sue the dentist for pulling the wrong tooth?

Because it was accidental.

Why did the gay man sue the mental hospital?

They held him in a straightjacket.

Jury awards $22 million to man locked in closet by East Cleveland police for four days with no food or toilet.

R Kelly is going to sue the East Cleveland police for copyright infringement.

Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab?

Because life isn't fare.

So I'm at the dentist's office...

...in the waiting room when this woman comes storming out, shouting curses and threatening to sue. When she's gone, the dentist is standing in the doorway, speechless, so I ask him, "gee, doc, what's got her knickers in a twist?" And he says, "I don't know, I just asked her to take a shot in the mouth."

There once was a Little Girl named Sue...

She likes a lot of celebrities. But, every person she idolises commits suicide. Because they're Sue's idols! Hahaha?

What did the laywer name his daughter?

SUE!

Miners to sue a harmless tree-hugger. If you ask me, those miners are just making...

A molehill out of the mountain.

Never try to sue an origami

This action will eventually fold back on you

Don't give a man a fish. Teach a man to fish. Then sue that man for fishing on your property.

So a guy goes to a mechanic....

...to get his car fixed. After leaving the shop withe the vehicle as good as new a few days go by and he gets a phone call. The mechanic is on the other end and asks for him to bring the car back.

The guy pulls into the shop and the mechanic pops the hood and pulls a tool out, then closing the hood.

The guy immediately responds- "if you were a doctor...I'd sue you for malpractice! "

The mechanic replied " if I was a doctor....I'd charge you for having to go back in!".

Amazon should sue Samsung....

For infringing on the copyrights of their Kindle and Fire.

I'm going to have to sue the zoo...

... I visited the apiary and there weren't any monkeys at all, just a stupid bunch of bees.

God, the devil and a lot of lawyers

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

What do you do if you have an ugly kid with a hot partner?

Sue for false advertising

I tied to sue an airport for misplacing my luggage

I lost my case

Halal in the streets but Haram in the sheets.

stole from a comment thread dont sue

You're in a bar and a guy throws a punch at you

You can't even react back or TheFineBros will sue you.

I tried to sue Santa for skipping our house on Christmas

...but he had a clause in his contract that allowed it

What are the funniest sue jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Sue? Well, here are the best Sue puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Sue pick up lines to share with friends.

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