sucks Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sucks puns

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

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If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...

Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

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Easy as 1,2,3.....4.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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"There are three crows sitting on a branch,

you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack.
"None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are three ladies sitting on a bench eating a lollipop. The first one licks the lollipop, the second one sucks on it, and the third one bites it. Which one of them is married?
The teacher starts blushing and answers: "The one that's sucking on it."
"The correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

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I wish I was poor one day in my life...

Because being poor everyday sucks...

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Working at home sucks...

....if you're a firefighter.

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Whats the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

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Why is Oklahoma so windy?

Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows

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A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

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My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100.

She's a 10 but it sucks because she's imaginary.

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Why does Elton John play the piano?

Because he sucks on an organ.

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A 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old are sitting on a park bench...

A 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old are sitting on a park bench.
The 70 year old says,
"Man... It SUCKS being old... I'd do anything to take a healthy piss again!"
The 80 year old says,
"Are you kidding? I'd do anything to take a healthy shit again!"
The 90 year old says,
"Ah, you youngsters! Take better care of your health while you still can! See, at 7:00 every morning, I take a huge, healthy piss. At 8:00 every morning, I take a huge, healthy shit... I just wish I could wake up before 9:00..."

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Sucks to be this guy...

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

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3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... (NSFW)

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench...

First old man says "Oy, I HATE gettin' old. It's getting to now where I can't take a good healthy piss anymore!"

Second old man nods: "You ain't lyin'. Getting old sucks. Just ONCE I wish I could take a big healthy shit like I used to when I was a young man."

Third old man shrugs and says, "Well, fellas I gotta say...every morning - regular - right at 6 o'clock - I take a nice, long piss. And every morning at 7:00 - like clockwork - I take a really big healthy shit...

I sure wish I could wake up before eight."

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What is the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job still sucks.

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A boy and his father are in an argument

Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"

Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"

Son: *Stomps up stairs*

Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*

Son: "Jim Morrison sucks!"

Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"

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The key to a happy marriage...

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to consult a marriage counsellor to try and resolve their problems. To begin, the marriage counsellor says the couple, "Tell me something you two have in common."

The husband quickly replies, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."

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I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Because being ugly everyday sorta sucks...

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What's the difference between my job and a dead hooker?

My job still sucks

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If I had a dollar for every person over 40 that told me my generation sucks

I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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I heard this one today.

A man asks a woman:

*Do you know which two holes are the most important on a female body?*

**You pig! How dare you ask a lady such a question?**

*Well I'll have you know, it's the nostrils*

**Oh, I'm sorry, why is that?**

*So she can breathe while she sucks a dick.*


Sorry for a poor phrasing, English is not my first language.

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I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly everyday sucks

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My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100.

She's a 10, but it sucks because she's imaginary.

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My dick always leaves women begging for more.

Having a tiny penis sucks.

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What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

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You know what sucks?

Negative Pressure

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Losing game pieces sucks...

Especially when it's hide and seek...

I'll never forget you, Brian..

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Dad: Go to your room!

Son: Jim Morrison sucks!


Dad: what did I tell you about slamming The Doors?

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What's the difference between a married woman and this joke?

This joke sucks.

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I wish i was ugly for just one single day..

Because being ugly everyday just sucks!

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I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

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I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

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An insolent teenager is having an argument with her father

And as she storms off she shouts, "Oh and by the way, Jim Morrison SUCKS!"

The father looks back and responds, "Hey, there will be no slamming of The Doors in my house."

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Oh So Creamy

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.Β 

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.Β 

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.Β 
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.Β 

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looksΒ at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!", He screams.

So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well."
So the nurse drinks that one as well.Β 

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says: "See honey - its not that hard."

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Bono from U2 is the voice of my car's GPS

It sucks. The streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

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Do you know why Elton John plays the piano?

Because he sucks on the organ

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A banana, a pickle, and a penis are sitting in a bar...

They are all bullshitting about their lives and how bad they each have it.

The banana pipes up and says "Man, my life really sucks. Ya know, when I get big, ripe, and juicy they take me, slice me up, and throw me on an ice cold ice cream sundae."

The pickle says "Ha! That's a laugh! I got it 10 times worse than you! Cause' when I get big, ripe, and juicy they take me, slice me up, and throw me on a searing' hot hamburger with all the fixings!"

The penis looks up, chuckles, and says " I got it worse than both of ya! When I get big, ripe. And juicy they take me, stretch a plastic bag over my head, and throw me in a dark room where the bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out! And this is at least 3 times a week!"

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Hippie jokes

Q: How can you tell a hippie has been at your house?

A: He's still there.

Q: What did he say when you told him to leave?

A: Namaste.
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Q: What's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

A: The joint won't make it all the way around the circle.
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Q: How do you starve a hippie?

A: Hide his drug money under the soap.
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Q: What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of weed?

A: Man, this music sucks!
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Q: What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common?

A: They both shower and change pads after 3 periods.
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So this guy got his dog really high. He tells the dog "Play dead." And the dog says, "Nah man, play Floyd!"
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Please add more if you think of them, most of my friends are "hippies" and these jokes freakin crack me up.

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I got a job at the circus circumcising the elephants

....the pay sucks, but the tips are huge!!

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A Cucumber, Banana and a Penis are having a conversation...

The Banana says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big and grown up my skin gets ripped off and I am shoved into a dark cave before being crushed to pieces."



The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? As soon as I get big and grown up, they slice me up and put me in a salad."



The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big and grown up they throw a plastic bag over my head, hit my head against a wall ina dark room - until I puke and pass out!"

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A salesman knocks on a door

A salesman knocks on a door, as soon as the door opens he throws a mound of dirt on the floor of the house. The house owner begins to confront the salesman in a state of rage but before he can say anything the salesman pulls out a vacuum and sucks up the dirt with ease. The salesman says "I'm here to sell you this vacuum!" The house owner, amazed at the display, immediately buys the vacuum. Another salesman sees this exchange and goes up to the same house later that day. This salesman knocks on the door, as soon as the house owner opens the door the salesman shoots him dead. He then proclaims "I'm here to sell you life insurance!"

(be easy I just thought of this joke myself)

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An old man is spending his first day inside a nursing home.

He wakes up with a rock hard erection and immediately a beautiful busty blonde nurse walks in, gives him a sponge bath and sucks him off. When she leaves he calls his son and tells him he loves it, this is the greatest place ever and that he's going to get some breakfast. As he's walking out the door he trips and falls on his face. From behind a big muscled male nurse starts pulling his pants down and trying to have his way with the old man. After a few minutes of struggling the old man slips away and runs to his room with his back against the wall. He calls his son and tells him how much he hates the place and wants to go home now. When his son asks him why such a quick attitude change he says "well here's the deal, very seldom do I wake up with an erection but I fall down all the fucking time!"

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A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in weeks

...first thing he does is go to the next whorehouse, where he pays the first available hooker to give him a blowjob.
She goes down on him and sucks away for 15 minutes, before she looks up and says: "Man, doesn't your dick ever get hard?" to which the sailor replies:
"It's not supposed to get hard. It's supposed to get clean."

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Having sex with a waitress sucks.

She only takes the tip.

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What's the difference between your job and your wife?

After five years your job still sucks.

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Do you know what's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your job sucks.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis

One day a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were having a conversation.


The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.


The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.

The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, fishy room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

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Being attracted to my own flaccid penis really sucks.

But it does have its ups and downs.

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I just bought the best vacuum ever

It sucks

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You know your life sucks...

when your job sucks, your car sucks, your house sucks, but your wife doesn't.

- Sorry if it's a repost.

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If I got a dollar everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined.

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I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

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What has eight arms and sucks?

Nickelback

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Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.

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Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!

(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)

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What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, a job still sucks

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Thoughts from 25-35 year olds

~Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.~

~I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.~

~I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.~

~I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.~

~Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...~

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I heard that Elton John was pretty good on the piano

but apparently he sucks on the organ.

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I'm a pretty neutral guy.

I find it hard to choose sides.

I mean, I have an uncle who drives a truck for Pepsi and a cousin who sucks dick for coke.

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My ex-wife is like a tornado

First she blows, then she sucks, then she took my house and dog.

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It's not that hard [NSFW]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside is all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks
at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says

- "See honey - it's not that hard."

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My friend was in a terrible accident, and now has to breathe through a straw

...you could say he sucks at life.

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Ever see the movie human centipede?

That movie sucks ass.

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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sulking over his drink...

He asks him:

"What's the matter, dude? Why are you so blue?"

"Oh, my father died three months ago, he left me 10,000€."

"Oh, man, I didn't know... My condolences."

"Yeah, and month after that my mother dies, leaving me 15,000€."

"Damn, that sucks..."

"And just last month, my aunt died, leaving me 20,000€."

"Man, it must be so hard for you, losing three close relatives in three months."

"Tell me about it... This month I haven't gotten a single cent."

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What's the difference between a job and marriage to a woman?

After ten years, the job still sucks.

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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Job still sucks after 5 years.

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What do you call an Egyptian god who sucks at CS:GO?

A-noob-is.

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I've got a friend who got a job circumcising elephants.

The pay sucks but the tips are huge.

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What sucks about being an egg?

You get laid once, and it's by your mom.

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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years your job still sucks.

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What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

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What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After ten years your job still sucks.

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It sucks to be a dick..

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

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You know what sucks when you're married?

Not your wife.

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Being Bipolar sucks...

I love it

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What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, a job still sucks!

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Elton John is great on piano

But sucks on the organ

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Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

A: Your Job still sucks

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A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.

A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.

Cucumber: Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us

Pickle: Man, that's nothing. When I'm plump and juicy they slice me up, lay me on a hot slab of beef and smother me with bread then proceed to eat me

Penis: Laughing, You guys have it so easy. When I'm big and plump, they stick a rubber trap over my head, throw me in a dark room and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!

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What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.




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People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.

After 10 years, my job still sucks.

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Hillary Clinton sucks!

No she doesn't, because if she did Bill wouldn't have Monica.

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Gone Fishing.

So a man walks up to his his wife and says, "Honey, today you the dog and I are going fishing." The wife says, "I hate fishing so much, I refuse to go." "Alright", says the husband, " in that case I will give you three options. Give me head, do anal, or go fishing." The wife takes some time to think about it and then later walks up to her husband and say, "I have decided that I will give you head." She gets down and sucks her husbands dick and is drawn aback and say, "Your dick tastes like absolute shit!" The husband say, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up

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I've been going to the gym for five years now and I still don't have abs.

It sucks being the cleaner.

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i wish I could be ugly for 1 day

being ugly everyday sucks.

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It sucks being a grown up.

Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

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Elton John is a great piano player...

...but he sucks on the organ.

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Adam's new wife

Adam had been in the garden of Eden for several years without someone to share his life with. One day, he asked God for a companion.

God said to him, "I can give you a wife that will be everything you could dream of. Humble and submissive, she will make your life nothing but pleasurable. However, to make her I'll need an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "Aw what, that sucks! What can I get for a rib?"

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That fucking guy.

Three guys are drinking at a bar. There is a guy who is completely wasted by himself at the bar, sitting near them. He looks at the group of guys and says, "I boned yer mother last night!" "He's drunk just ignore him," says one of the 3. "Yer mother sucks my cock!" Screams the drunk guy. The 3 guys just ignore him, again, but their patience is running low. The drunk guys then says, "I boned yer mother up the ass last night!" One guy finally has had enough, he stands up and says, "Dad your drunk go the fuck home."

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My friend finally got married at 45...

I asked him how his wedding night was:

- I fucked up so bad! When we were done, I got a 100$ bill and left it on her nightstand out of habit!
- Shit, what happened?
- That's when it got worst. She gave me back change!

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PS. Roughly translated from my native language, my English sucks blablabla...

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A man goes to the doctor

...he says, "Doctor, my secretary loves to give head. First thing when I get to work in the morning, she sucks me off. She does it again before I leave for lunch, and once more before I go home in the evening."

The doctor nods and says, "Okay, but what's the problem?"

The man continues, "Also, my wife is kind of a nympho. She wakes me up every morning by mounting me, then insists that I come home during my lunch breaks for a quickie. Then, she fucks me again when I get home from work, followed by a 90 minute marathon session before bed every night."

The doctor raises an eyebrow and says, "So why are you here?"

The man says, "Well, every time I masturbate I get a headache."

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If you're from it, sorry...

Q. Why doesn't Texas float away into the gulf?

A. Oklahoma sucks

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Mickey's Yellow Snow Dilemma...

Mickey was angry because somebody was writing "Mickey sucks" in yellow snow outside of his front door every time it snowed. He ended up going to his friend who was a cop to ask for help. The cop checked it out and took some photos and samples. A couple of days later the cop came back to Mickey:
"Well, the good news is we've figured out that the urine came from your friend, Goofy. The bad news - it's Minnie's handwriting..."

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Mickey called the police because someone had written "Mickey Sucks" in urine in the snow in front of Mickey's house.

The officer told Mickey,
"I've got some good news and I have some bad news."
"What's the good news?" Mickey asked.
"The good news is that we were able to identify whose urine it was. It was Goofy's."
"How could the bad news be worse than that?"
"It was Minnie's handwriting."

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My vacuum sucks

So I decided to sell mine, it was just collecting dust.

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Being politically correct sucks. I can't even say "black paint" anymore.

Now I have to say, "hey Jamal would you please go paint that fence over there?"

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Being single is like a vacuum cleaner:

its sucks when you're turned on

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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me this generation sucks

Then I could afford a house in this economy which they've ruined

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What's the difference between your wife and your work?

After 5 years, your work still sucks.

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What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks

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Life is like a box of chocolates

It sucks if you have diabetes

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It's a well know fact that Elton John is an excellent pianist.

But did you know he sucks on the organ?

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The dos and don'ts of Mirroring

Mirroring is a social trick to get people to like you. You emulate them and they will be more comfortable; enjoying your interactions with them. I do it at work all the time on emails, convos, or whatever it be. Just don't emulate people don't like about themselves, they don't like that. Learned that lesson the hard way, cause apparently my ex didn't like me emulating her cheating nature. Sure when she sucks someone else's dick it's fine because she's a free spirit and all that, but when I do it, then I'm a gay cheating son of a bitch.

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Autocorrect sucks ass

I asked my son if he wanted to go rape some leaves

I meant girls.

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Old USSR joke about free speech

In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."

In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."

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You know your life sucks when...

Your job sucks,
Your kids suck,
And your wife doesn't.

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A cucumber , a pickle , and a penis

were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said "Man my life sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says "You think you have it bad! Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, sticks me in a jar and hides me for months."

The penis glared at them both and said
"You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy they put a rubber trap over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out !"

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A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time...

He tells them that it's really important that they familiarize themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do."

He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus, pulls it out and sucks on it.

Then he lines up the students and says "Now your turn."

Obediently, one by one, grimacing as they do, they all in turn, put their fingers in the guys ass and then suck on them.

Once they all complete the task, the surgeon says "It's also important that you learn to be observant. I put my ring finger in his ass and my index finger in my mouth."

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Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean west?

Minnesota sucks.

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My friend sucks, seriously.

But $20 is $20.

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Why is Oklahoma so windy?

Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows!

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Is Monica Lewinsky good at the piano?

I don't know about the piano, but she sucks at the organ.

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My Life Sucks...

...I'm 22 years old and the only job I've had so far was working in fast food. My co-worker hates me and has tried to kill me. Also I have no friends except a southern girl I like and my other friend who only hangs out with me because he is mental. I have to ride my bike everywhere because I can never get my drivers license. And the worst part is, I live in a pineapple.ο»Ώ

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The cucumber, the pickle and the penis...

After a long, difficult day, a cucumber, a pickle and a penis are all sitting at a bar and talking about all the reasons life sucks. The cucumber goes first.
"I know I've got it the worst; when I get big and juicy, they slice me up and put me on a bed of leaves or drown me in water, it's terrible."
The Pickle chimes in.
"No way buddy, I know I've got it worse then that; when I got pig and juicy, they packed me in a small, glass room with all of my brothers and pour in this disgusting liquid, then after what seems like forever, they take us out one by one and spear us and eat us."
That's when the Penis had had enough.
"You guys don't know how good you have it! When I get big and juicy, they throw a rubber sack over my head, shove me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"
He lights a cigarette.

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I have two problems in my life.

My math sucks.

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What has 10 legs 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

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My friend really sucks at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.

The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked

Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?

Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

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I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.

On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.



It said "It sucks to be you."

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What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, the job still sucks.

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Whats the difference between a wife and a job?

After ten years the job still sucks.

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A woman and baby are in the doctor's clinic

The doc is concerned about the baby's weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?

The woman replies, "Breast fed."

The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."

Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"

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Getting old sucks.

But getting sucked never gets old.

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What sucks most about German food?

Their sausage is the wurst.

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Son: Dad, what is sex?

Dad: Well, you are not old enough to talk about it yet.

Son (yelling): No no, tell me now.

Dad (sighs): OK, when a man and woman love each other, they kiss each other, they remove clothes, man suck woman's boobs, she sucks his penis, he licks her vagina, and then he put his penis in her vagina. That is called sex.

Son (shockingly): Well, how am I supposed to write all this in a little box on the school form?

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What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!


And it sucks *hard*. ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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What do college fish study?

Algae brah... I know it sucks but it was the only joke I've ever come up with!

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She's good on the piano.

But she sucks on the organ.

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Yellow Snow on the White House lawn

One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill Sucks" peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.

After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, "I have bad news and I have worse news."

"Ok, let's hear the bad news."

"We did an analysis on the urine and it belongs to Al Gore."

"And the worse news?"

"We did a handwriting analysis as well. It belongs to Hillary."

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I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer

The cancer sucks, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!

Wait

No

I do

I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide...

Well, at least I don't have cancer.

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The new mailman really sucks at telling jokes

He needs to work on his deliveries more

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Why do all the trees in Kansas lean south?

Because Oklahoma sucks.

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I wish I could be a dopey teenager with acne for one day

Being one everyday sucks balls

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Obama wakes up on a snowy morning at the White House and looks out the window

...to see someone has peed "OBAMA SUCKS" in the snow. He asks the secret service to investigate. They come back and say, "sir we have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, Biden did it."

"What's worse than that?!" Says the president.

"Well sir, the worse news is, it was Michelle's handwriting."

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Why is Chicago called the Windy City?

Because Indiana sucks and Wisconsin blows

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A blind rabbit

So there is this blind rabbit hopping around the jungle when he trips on a snake. The rabbit says , 'Oh im so sorry sir, i didnt see where i was going because I am blind'. The snake says ' Hey its ok , i understand , I am blind too'. So the two strike up a rapport and get a few drinks and are talking. 'It sucks , being blind', says the rabbit, ' I don't even know what i look like'.


So the snake says ' hey no big deal , why dont i feel you up and i can tell what you look like. so they both agree and the snake starts feeling up the bunny. "hey you are all furry" , says the snake , " and u have long ears and a small tail, small feet. Hey you know what you must be a rabbit. my mom told me about them , they are really cute."


The bunny is really happy. He's like wow, he gets a warm fuzzy glow and all that. So he goes, 'hey why dont i return the favour and feel you up'. They agree and the bunny starts feeling up the snake.

So the bunny goes ..." lets see..'you have a scaly skin, you have no heart, no balls, you have a forked tongue...

"ah, I get it now.. You are a lawyer. "

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Did you hear about the glory hole job opening?

The sob sucks but the tips are good.

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What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?

A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

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What is the difference between Jedward and a vacuum cleaner?

A vacuum cleaner only sucks when you turn it on.

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You know what sucks about being an agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

You end up staying awake all night wondering if there is a dog

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Secret To Comedy

Guy 1: Hey! Ask me "What is is the secret to comedy?"

Guy 2: Okay ... What is the sec-

Guy 1: TIMING!!!



sorry if it sucks

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What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your job sucks

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What's the difference between you and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks....

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Working at home sucks.

If you're a firefighter...

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My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!

Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's
gone straight to voicemail ever since.

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A guy sits down at a bar...

... and tells the bartender that he has a joke he'd like to tell, but is worried about offending him. The bartender says I've been working here for a long time, and I've heard a lot of jokes, and none of them have ever offended me. So go ahead. The guy agrees and asks what has four arms, four legs and sucks dick?

The bartender, somewhat amused, ponders the question for a bit before ultimately conceding that he does not know. The guy replies, you and your brother. The bartender frowns and tells the guy you know what? I think that actually offended me. To which the guy replies well, why don't you go tell that joke to the man at the end of the bar and see if it offends him? The bartender agrees. He goes up to the man at the end of the bar and asks what has four legs, four arms, and sucks dick?

The man says I don't know what? The bartender replies me and my brother.

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What has nine arms and sucks?

Your mom on Def Leppard's tour bus.

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What are the best Sucks puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sucks? Well, here are the best jokes about Sucks to have fun with.

Joko Jokes