sucks Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sucks stories

What are the best Sucks puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sucks? Well here is a complete list of Sucks to have fun with:

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.


I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.


If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.


An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"


I wish I was poor one day in my life...

Because being poor everyday sucks...


Why is Oklahoma so windy?

Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows


My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100.

She's a 10 but it sucks because she's imaginary.


3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... (NSFW)

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench...

First old man says "Oy, I HATE gettin' old. It's getting to now where I can't take a good healthy piss anymore!"

Second old man nods: "You ain't lyin'. Getting old sucks. Just ONCE I wish I could take a big healthy shit like I used to when I was a young man."

Third old man shrugs and says, "Well, fellas I gotta say...every morning - regular - right at 6 o'clock - I take a nice, long piss. And every morning at 7:00 - like clockwork - I take a really big healthy shit...

I sure wish I could wake up before eight."


The key to a happy marriage...

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to consult a marriage counsellor to try and resolve their problems. To begin, the marriage counsellor says the couple, "Tell me something you two have in common."

The husband quickly replies, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."


What's the difference between my job and a dead hooker?

My job still sucks


I heard this one today.

A man asks a woman:

*Do you know which two holes are the most important on a female body?*

**You pig! How dare you ask a lady such a question?**

*Well I'll have you know, it's the nostrils*

**Oh, I'm sorry, why is that?**

*So she can breathe while she sucks a dick.*

Sorry for a poor phrasing, English is not my first language.


What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.


I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater


I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.


Hippie jokes

Q: How can you tell a hippie has been at your house?

A: He's still there.

Q: What did he say when you told him to leave?

A: Namaste.
Q: What's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

A: The joint won't make it all the way around the circle.
Q: How do you starve a hippie?

A: Hide his drug money under the soap.
Q: What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of weed?

A: Man, this music sucks!
Q: What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common?

A: They both shower and change pads after 3 periods.
So this guy got his dog really high. He tells the dog "Play dead." And the dog says, "Nah man, play Floyd!"

Please add more if you think of them, most of my friends are "hippies" and these jokes freakin crack me up.


A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in weeks

...first thing he does is go to the next whorehouse, where he pays the first available hooker to give him a blowjob.
She goes down on him and sucks away for 15 minutes, before she looks up and says: "Man, doesn't your dick ever get hard?" to which the sailor replies:
"It's not supposed to get hard. It's supposed to get clean."


Having sex with a waitress sucks.

She only takes the tip.


Being attracted to my own flaccid penis really sucks.

But it does have its ups and downs.


I just bought the best vacuum ever

It sucks


You know your life sucks...

when your job sucks, your car sucks, your house sucks, but your wife doesn't.

- Sorry if it's a repost.


I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"


What has eight arms and sucks?



Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one's a total shih tzu.


Thoughts from 25-35 year olds

~Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.~

~I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.~

~I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.~

~I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.~

~Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...~


I heard that Elton John was pretty good on the piano

but apparently he sucks on the organ.


I'm a pretty neutral guy.

I find it hard to choose sides.

I mean, I have an uncle who drives a truck for Pepsi and a cousin who sucks dick for coke.


My friend was in a terrible accident, and now has to breathe through a straw could say he sucks at life.


Ever see the movie human centipede?

That movie sucks ass.


I've got a friend who got a job circumcising elephants.

The pay sucks but the tips are huge.


What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, a job still sucks!


What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.


A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up


Adam's new wife

Adam had been in the garden of Eden for several years without someone to share his life with. One day, he asked God for a companion.

God said to him, "I can give you a wife that will be everything you could dream of. Humble and submissive, she will make your life nothing but pleasurable. However, to make her I'll need an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "Aw what, that sucks! What can I get for a rib?"


If you're from it, sorry...

Q. Why doesn't Texas float away into the gulf?

A. Oklahoma sucks


Mickey's Yellow Snow Dilemma...

Mickey was angry because somebody was writing "Mickey sucks" in yellow snow outside of his front door every time it snowed. He ended up going to his friend who was a cop to ask for help. The cop checked it out and took some photos and samples. A couple of days later the cop came back to Mickey:
"Well, the good news is we've figured out that the urine came from your friend, Goofy. The bad news - it's Minnie's handwriting..."


Being single is like a vacuum cleaner:

its sucks when you're turned on


What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks


You know your life sucks when...

Your job sucks,
Your kids suck,
And your wife doesn't.


Why is Oklahoma so windy?

Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows!


Is Monica Lewinsky good at the piano?

I don't know about the piano, but she sucks at the organ.


My Life Sucks...

...I'm 22 years old and the only job I've had so far was working in fast food. My co-worker hates me and has tried to kill me. Also I have no friends except a southern girl I like and my other friend who only hangs out with me because he is mental. I have to ride my bike everywhere because I can never get my drivers license. And the worst part is, I live in a pineapple.ο»Ώ


What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, the job still sucks.


What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

And it sucks *hard*. ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)


Obama wakes up on a snowy morning at the White House and looks out the window see someone has peed "OBAMA SUCKS" in the snow. He asks the secret service to investigate. They come back and say, "sir we have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, Biden did it."

"What's worse than that?!" Says the president.

"Well sir, the worse news is, it was Michelle's handwriting."


A blind rabbit

So there is this blind rabbit hopping around the jungle when he trips on a snake. The rabbit says , 'Oh im so sorry sir, i didnt see where i was going because I am blind'. The snake says ' Hey its ok , i understand , I am blind too'. So the two strike up a rapport and get a few drinks and are talking. 'It sucks , being blind', says the rabbit, ' I don't even know what i look like'.

So the snake says ' hey no big deal , why dont i feel you up and i can tell what you look like. so they both agree and the snake starts feeling up the bunny. "hey you are all furry" , says the snake , " and u have long ears and a small tail, small feet. Hey you know what you must be a rabbit. my mom told me about them , they are really cute."

The bunny is really happy. He's like wow, he gets a warm fuzzy glow and all that. So he goes, 'hey why dont i return the favour and feel you up'. They agree and the bunny starts feeling up the snake.

So the bunny goes ..." lets see..'you have a scaly skin, you have no heart, no balls, you have a forked tongue...

"ah, I get it now.. You are a lawyer. "


Why is Chicago called the Windy City?

Because Indiana sucks and Wisconsin blows


Did you hear about the glory hole job opening?

The sob sucks but the tips are good.


Secret To Comedy

Guy 1: Hey! Ask me "What is is the secret to comedy?"

Guy 2: Okay ... What is the sec-

Guy 1: TIMING!!!

sorry if it sucks


What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?

A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.


What is the difference between Jedward and a vacuum cleaner?

A vacuum cleaner only sucks when you turn it on.



You've read some of the best sucks jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sucks gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

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