sucked Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sucked puns

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

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What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

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I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

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I tried to be gay once...

I sucked.

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Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man.

Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay.

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Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

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Guy at a bar

I was sitting at a bar one night. Another man came up to me and yelled "Hey! I fucked your mom last night!" I simply ignored him and kept drinking. Later, the same man came back to me and said, "Your mom really enjoyed it, too!" I continued to ignore him and kept drinking. Again, that same man came up to me a third time and said, "She even sucked my dick!" Finally, I had had enough and screamed back, "YOU"RE DRUNK, Dad! Go home."

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What does wearing crocs and having your dick sucked by a man have in common?

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 4 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

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What does wearing Crocs and getting your dick sucked by a dude I have in common?

They both feel really good but when you look down you know you're gay.

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Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.

"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."

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I think my Gay test might be broken

So I've heard that every group of friends has a gay dude. The easiest way to tell if a guy is gay is if his dick tastes like shit. I decided to line up all my friends and sucked all their dicks, I've done this a dozen times so far and all their dicks taste fine.

I'm still trying to figure out who the gay one in my group is.

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What's six inches and not getting sucked today

Whitney Houston's crackpipe

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Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine sucked"

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Why was the glass-blower forced to retire?

He sucked...

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Big pussy

A woman walks into a bar, stands on a chair and shouts:

"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."

A big dude gets up and takes off his size 16 work boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises.

"Is someone else in here?" he asks.

"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.

"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the big guy says.

"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

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After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

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Porn gives unrealistic expectations.

The plumber took his usual £60 per hour, even though I sucked his cock.

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A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, can you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face

"Dad, can you see that horse?", he asks

"Yes, I can, son"

"So, I sucked its blood"

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says

"Dad, can you see that wall?"

"Yes, I can, son", replies the father

"I couldn't"

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My wife got mad after telling this story.

You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:


I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and girl on the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy sucked it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.

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Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own. One day, they found a stray dog and decided to keep it. But, just like her mom, she sucked at naming things. So they decided to call the dog, "That". After years, and years of a happy life, 90 and her husband became old and ill, eventually losing their memory. They didn't know who their children were or what their dogs name was. Only 90's kids will remember that.

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Statistics say that 85% of gay men are simply born homosexuals

The rest are sucked into it

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

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So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.

The exam the next morning sucked.

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Being a gentleman I decided to hold the door open for a lady.

The bitch just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane. Now I know better than to try and be nice.

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A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

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Three cowboys are standing around a fire...

...trading stories about how tough and manly they are.

The first cowboy says, "Well I was ridin' the trail the other day, and was lettin' my horse rest, when a coral snake bit me on the leg. I sucked the poison out, then I roasted that sumbitch and ate him for dinner."

The second cowboy said, "Hell, that ain't nothin'. I got caught in a blizzard, and a bobcat leapt at me from outta nowhere. I caught it, ripped it apart with my bare hands, and made a pair of boots with its skin."

The third cowboy didn't say a word, just looked at the other two and continued stirring the fire with his dick...

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My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side

I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work

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All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school

But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

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I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

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Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did.

All of mine sucked.

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Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

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This happened over the weekend

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

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What are the best Sucked jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sucked? Well, here are the best Sucked dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sucked pick up lines to share with friends.

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