Sucked Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

I tried to be gay once...

I sucked.

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 4 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.

"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."

What's six inches and not getting sucked today

Whitney Houston's crackpipe

Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine sucked"

Why was the glass-blower forced to retire?

He sucked...

After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, can you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face

"Dad, can you see that horse?", he asks

"Yes, I can, son"

"So, I sucked its blood"

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says

"Dad, can you see that wall?"

"Yes, I can, son", replies the father

"I couldn't"

My wife got mad after telling this story.

You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:


I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and girl on the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy sucked it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.

Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own. One day, they found a stray dog and decided to keep it. But, just like her mom, she sucked at naming things. So they decided to call the dog, "That". After years, and years of a happy life, 90 and her husband became old and ill, eventually losing their memory. They didn't know who their children were or what their dogs name was. Only 90's kids will remember that.

Statistics say that 85% of gay men are simply born homosexuals

The rest are sucked into it

So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.

The exam the next morning sucked.

A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side

I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work

All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school

But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did.

All of mine sucked.

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

This happened over the weekend

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

There's a legend about a bar in NYC

This bar has a magic mirror. Whenever someone tells the mirror a true fact about them self, they are granted a wish. Whenever someone tells a lie to the mirror, they are sucked into it to never be seen again. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into the bar.

The brunette walks up to the mirror and says "I think I am the smartest girl in this bar" and is sucked in.

The redhead says "I think I am the prettiest girl in this bar" and is sucked in.

The blonde says "I think..." and gets sucked in.

Gentleman

Despite the fact that I'm a gentleman, I have no luck with women, I just always seem to screw things up.

Recently I saw an attractive woman. I decided to open the doors for her. Unfortunately, she got sucked out of the plane.

I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her...

But she just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.

So a redhead, brunette, and blonde walk into a bar...

This bar has a magic mirror that consumes anyone who lies

The redhead comes in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and she gets sucked in

The brunette comes in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and she gets sucked in

The blonde comes in and says "I think-" and she gets sucked in

Men will be Men.

Girl : Look your husband is talking to a pretty female.

Wife : let him.. I want to see how long he can talk to the female with his stomach "sucked in".

When I was young...

...my teacher said I was nothing but a stupid loser, and I'd never amount to anything.

Now, I look back on my life and I realize that being home-schooled really sucked.

I used a vaccum cleaner inside of an elevator

It sucked on so many levels...

Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...

When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"

Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"

"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"

"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"

So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"

"You jews, all you think about is money!"

There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

A man sucked the blood of a vampire and he said..

Hmm, irony.

Getting old sucks.

But getting sucked never gets old.

I never thought I was gay...

I guess I just got sucked into it.

Guy goes to a bar and starts buying everyone drinks.

The bartender asks him where he got all the money. The guy said, "I sucked some dicks for $1000.10". The bartender asks him, "Who gave you the 10 cents?". The guy says, "They all did."

I had a couple dates and one of them sucked.

So I stopped seeing the other one.

I got my first blow job today

It sucked

The Romans must have sucked at Algebra

Because X was always 10.

Another joke translated to English from my Uncle.

Little "peter" was in class when his teacher was talking about fruits, and she brought up the question, "Which fruits can be sucked on or smothered?"

A boy raised his hand and said, "An orange!" The teacher replied, "yes, correct!"

A girl raised her hand as-well and said, "A peach, teacher!" To which the teacher also agreed.

Finally, little Peter raised his hand and said, "A set of PJ's!"

The teacher, confused, said, "no, you cant suck PJ's..."

Peter quickly replied, "Then why did the other night my Mom told my Dad, 'take off your pj's cause I'm going to suck it."

It's better in Spanish = \

I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

What's 3 inches long and hasn't been sucked in nearly 3 years?

Amy Winehouse's crack pipe.

Who was the worst U.S. President of all time?

Hoover, his administration really sucked.

I used one of the first vacums ever invented today

It kind of sucked

Just returned my hair drier.

It sucked.

Why did Liberace like playing the piano?

Because he sucked on the organ.

An old man is being interviewed on live TV

Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what's your secret?

During the war, I sucked off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.

I meant about your age.

Ah… Eating healthy.

I got completely sucked into a three hour documentary about a toad.

It was ribbeting.

How is Colin Kaepernick like Al Bundy?

They both sucked at Football and then moved on to sell shoes

Liberace was great on the piano.

But he sucked on the organ.

Last night I dreamt I was a vacuum,

it really sucked.

One of my favorite nun jokes.

Three nuns are sitting with a priest. The priest says 'if all of you wish to be sure of access to heaven, tell me if you have ever had a sexual encounter.'
The first nun says 'I confess i once touched a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The second nun says 'I once sucked a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The third one says 'I was sexually assaulted as a child.'
The priest says 'God damnit Mary! I told you not to tell anyone!'

Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."

The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't"

What's six inches long and isn't getting sucked this Friday night?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

What's about 6 inches long, and hasn't been sucked in over 6 years?

Whitney Houston's crackpipe.

A vacuum cleaner company removed their latest model from stores a week after launch,

All user reviews said that it sucked.

Man, today sucked

First my wife got run over by a bus. As if that wasn't enough, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

What are the funniest sucked jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Sucked? Well, here are the best Sucked puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Sucked pick up lines to share with friends.

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