The Best 87 Suck Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Suck jokes. There are some suck spits jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these suck gulp puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Suck Jokes and Puns
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Why Does Jesus suck at hockey?
He's always getting nailed to the boards.
Why do indie kids suck at karate?
They never got past the white belt.
Why does it suck to be a black Jew?
You have to sit in the back of the oven.
A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary
That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom naked and starts playing with her nipples.
"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"
"I wanna to suck them dry," he says.
She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"
"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.
She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"
"I think I did a pretty good job at both."
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.
Man, threading a needle is tough!
What does the NFL have in common with Brokeback Mountain?
The Cowboys suck.
*(I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, but I don't lack a sense of humor.)*
If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...
...it'll be a vacuum!
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just suck on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
What does the NFL and Broke Back Mountain have in common?
Cowboys that suck.
Microsoft will start making ...
vacuum cleaners. It will be the only thing they make that doesn't suck.
You can explore suck vant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean suck mommas dad jokes. There are also suck puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So a tech support has a house call...
When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."
Women are like stars...
At first they are small and hot, then they get bigger and bigger, then finally they suck the life out of everything around them.
why don't spiders go to school..
Because they learn everything on web.
:(
i know i suck at jokes.
Why do feminist picnics suck?
Because no one ever makes sandwiches.
Even though I don't smoke cigarettes, I exclusively date women who do...
I figure if they're willing to suck on something that nasty, they'll suck just about anything.
You know your life sucks when...
Your job sucks,
Your kids suck,
And your wife doesn't.
What sucks about being an egg?
You get laid once, and it's by your mom.
I suck at sports events
It's a good way to make a quick buck.
Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?
Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because...
According to Bill, she doesn't suck.
I have been try to come up with a funny joke about leeches.
I couldn't because they all suck
Hillary Clinton doesn't suck!
Just ask Bill
Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son.....
*Son: Yes father?
*Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found!
editted for format, which I suck at apparently
It would suck to be named Will in the army.
"Fire at Will"
Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year
The first Apple product that doesn't suck
(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)
My problem with self-deprecation...
is that I suck at it.
Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke.
If you let her have more she might suck it too.
I suck telling jokes..
Because I start laughing even before I reach the punchline. The doctor says I have a premature hehejaculation.
It must really suck working for a calendar company
You can't take any days off
Sex with a weatherman must suck.
Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.
I don't like generalizations...
They all suck.
I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night
When I thought.. "Hang on a fuckin' minute"
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really suck at Guac-a-mole.
You know what sucks when you're married?
Not your wife.
If life gives you lemons...
I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna suck.
I love self deprecating humour...
Too bad i suck at it.
Why do risky people suck at origami?
Because they never fold
Why do Mexicans suck at playing Uno?
They always keep all the green cards
Words that start with "S" suck.
Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.
Boy: Tell me.
Girl: Words that start with s suck.
Boy: What do you mean?
Girl: Well, snakes suck. So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.
Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%
Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.
"I know what you have been sucking on"
My nephew has a habit of sucking his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that suck their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been sucking on" in the middle of the store.
A time traveler tries to go back to the 1980's
But when he gets there, he sees a very old man wearing a toga.
Confused, he asks the man what if it's 1980. The man replies "Of course it's 19AD!"
.
.
.
.
I just came up with this joke, so feel free to modify it, because as we can all see, I suck at making jokes :)
My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome
It means that they make a ton of noise and don't suck anymore.
My wife is an English teacher
She always corrects my grammar while having sex. I'll go "suck it good" and she'll reply "it's suck it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".
She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.
It must suck being raised by gay parents.
Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."
The dating scene at Hogwarts must really suck.
Since every girl there has a magic wand, they don't really need the boys at all.
Vacuums
They suck when they work and they suck when they don't
Dyson is planning to release an electric car by 2020...
I bet they'll suck.
What do Apple and the NFL have in common?
The Chargers suck.
You know what sucks?
Negative Pressure
My lesbian GF and I suck at saving
Guess we need to stop eating out
Why do Americans suck at calculus?
White people have never been good at integration.
Getting old sucks.
But getting sucked never gets old.
An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"
Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.
This process is commonly called marriage.
I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?
pear
A man is sitting next to woman on a bus
The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, if you don't start sucking, I'm going to give it to the man next to me , but the baby still refuses.
After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!
It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.
"Fire at will"
I feel bad for people who have asthma
Because out of all the things you could be bad at, you suck at breathing.
My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia
I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"
"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,
"What'd he say? What'd he say?"
"You're gonna die..."
I am not a sexist but...
female mosquitos don't belong in a workplace. They the suck the life right out of you.
If you suck at playing the trumpet,
That's probably why.
It sucks being a grown up.
Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn't suck the way it used to.
Husband: Neither does the dish washer.
Jokes and sex have one thing in common....
...they both suck when you force them.
They call me Love Master
Because I suck at tennis.
How is sex work different from other occupations?
You get fired unless you suck at your job
An old grandma brings a bus driver
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
If you could suck five toes at once
That'd be quite a feet
Why do colourblind people suck at dating?
Because they fail to see the red flags in a relationship
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me
. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.
I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?
Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn't I?
If you suck at playing the trumpet...
...that's probably why.
My neighbor who had horrible jokes passed away this week. This was one of his favorites. Enjoy a good (bad) pun in his memory.
what's the difference between your girlfriend and your job
in 5 years your job will still suck
This sucks, 2022 is going to be terrible
Because 2022 is 2020, too
A teenager got suck in well.
He calls 911.
Boy: 911?
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Boy: I'm stuck in a well.
Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?
Boy: im14andthisisdeep.
If at first you don't succeed
Then suck another seed.
The rapture will suck
Let's be honest, no matter what it's gonna be like, people will just be standing around and complaining that the book was better.
My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one
I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don't wanna start off on the wrong foot.
I have sychic powers.
For eg. right now you are thinking I suck at spellings, it's psychic
My dating coach told me I should suck in my cheeks to look more attractive.
It didn't work and ended up giving me a wedgie.
Here's the thing about vacuum cleaners
It doesn't matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.
What's the square root of 69?
I suck at math, but I think it's ate something
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the suck blowjob jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working suck suction piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.