The Best 68 Successful Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Successful jokes. There are some successful accomplishment jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these successful invest puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Successful Jokes and Puns

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.

One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.

Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.

Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."

Successful joke, The Secret of the Red Shirt

The two troublemakers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...


Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.

A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling.

Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.

Successful joke, A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fing

Two secrets everyone needs to know for a successful life:

1. Never share everything you know.

Some men are discussing the meaning of life...

Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life.

One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a funeral, gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?"

One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband".

The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too".

"I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"

Fishing secret

A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says.
"What??"
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm"
"I'm sorry, I just can't understand you."
"Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand.
"You've got to keep the worms warm."

If we truly become what we mock...

...I think I'm going to start mocking some smarter, more successful people, for a change.

You can explore successful failures reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean successful wealth dad jokes. There are also successful puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.

Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Successful joke, My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.

After that my mugging attempts have been very successful

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space.

Successful

Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful...

...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.


Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful

Thought of this in traffic yesterday

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me.....

I've had over 9 successful marriages.

Ever wonder why African dating agencies are so successful?

The clients always click

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.

My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".

After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me

Now my muggings are more successful.

My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name?

Two canes

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

I've decided to start carrying a knife.

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have sex with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.

Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.

Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.

its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years

Why is Chick-fil-a so successful?

They figured out how to sell fried chicken to white people.

Why was the dwarfs mining business so successful?

Because his overheads were very low.

TIL the movie Starship Troopers was never adapted into a successful video game because...

...bugs.

Why was the fishing show so successful?

They had a great cast

The key to a successful relationship

Find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

After a mugging attempt a few years ago, I started carrying a knife.

My muggings are much more successful these days.

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

My dad told me that I would only be successful when pigs fly.

WELL GUESS WHAT DAD?! Swine Flu.

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.

"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.

The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door naked.

The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my operation was successful and I can see everything now."

Why are lesbian carpenters the most successful?

No Studs, everything is tongue & groove, and all projects are done lickety split!

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.

Four men are at a bar bragging about how successful their sons are

One says"my son is a successful brick layer and he bought his friend a Lamborghini just because"...the second man says"my friend is a successful real estate agent and he bought his friend a yacht just because"the third man says"my son is a great lawyer and he bought his friend a mansion just because"....their was a minute of silence and the second man asks the fourth man what his son does ...the fourth man replies"he's a gay stripper"..the third man says"oh you must be ashamed I'm sorry"which the fourth man says"not really his three boyfriends bought him a Lamborghini,a yacht,and a mansion just because"

What takes 3 years?

Making a successful post on my cake day!

How would you write I changed a light bulb on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

A man goes in for hernia surgery

After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.

"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your testicles during the surgery."

The man was immediately furious.

"You bastards! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"

The surgeon calmly replies "Now sir, you don't have the balls."

Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history?

Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.

How to be successful in two easy steps

1) Never tell anyone everything you know

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

Why was the friendly pimp so successful?

Because he ensured all his customers that he would keep them in his thots.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.

Yet the woman wed the second man.

Because no matter how gross you pictured him to be...

The first man was just a little grocer.

To become rich and successful all you need is to make sure you get your foot through the door.

The only thing that can stop you is when someone figures out who broke into their houses.

Why are orphans successful?

Because its either go big or go home. What choice do they have?

An Elvis Presley fan decides to get his likeness tattooed on each of her thighs.

However, she was not entirely pleased with the end result. One night, during a particularly successful tinder date, she decided to get a second opinion. Flipping on the lights and lifting her frock she asked her date "Does this look like Elvis to you?" After a moment of careful study, her date replied "I don't know about Elvis, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson."

We have a first successful pig heart transplant.

Bacon is now both the cause and the solution of our heart problems.

I left my illustrious football career behind to become a relatively successful farmer.

Field goals

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"

Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"

Woman: "Sofia"

Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."

Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."

Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"

Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"

Zelensky recieves a call from an unknown number (a joke)

Anon: Sir, I have a clear shot at putin. How much will you pay me for successful elimination?

Zelensky: 1 million dollas for not killing putin.

The man shocked at the response, asks for a reason for this.

Zelensky: No way the next guy they put in is going to be this incompetent

Last night I dreamed I was the author of a successful fantasy series…

Wife said I've been Tolkien in my sleep

Just got offered a job working for Formula1

After a very successful zoom interview.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the successful panhandler jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working successful success piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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