JokoJokes

Success Jokes

122 success jokes and hilarious success puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about success that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the funniest jokes about success from popular comedians like Emmanuella and others. Explore the humorous side of customer success and the joys and frustrations of success and failure. Get ready to laugh out loud!

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Funniest Success Short Jokes

Short success jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The success humour may include short succeed jokes also.

  1. America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
  2. I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
  3. If the next president is white.... That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.
  4. i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
  5. McDonald's has paused operations in Russia. They've successfully established a No Fry Zone.
  6. I've decided to start carrying a knife. After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
  7. I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year... All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.
  8. My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
  9. I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago. After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
  10. Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.

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Success One Liners

Which success one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with success? I can suggest the ones about luck and fails.

  1. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  2. Today I successfully weighed a rainbow Turns out it was pretty light
  3. Why is Stephen hawking successful? He can't run away from his responsibilities.
  4. My cloning experiment is finally a success. I'm so excited; I'm beside myself!
  5. My wife has a successful Onlyfans account! I'm not sure how to tell her.
  6. Will transparent coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  7. What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
  8. My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name? Two canes
  9. What takes 3 years? Making a successful post on my cake day!
  10. I taught my maths class how to use a protractor, with varying degrees of success.
  11. Two rules for success 1. Never reveal everything you know
  12. What's Hillary Clinton's key to success? The Delete Key
  13. There are two secrets to success. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know.
  14. There are two secrets to success 1. Never tell anyone all of your secrets
    2.
  15. How to be successful in two easy steps 1) Never tell anyone everything you know

Customer Success Jokes

Here is a list of funny customer success jokes and even better customer success puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why was Disney's massage parlor so successful? All of their customers got happy endings.
  • I found a noose online that claimed to have a 100% success rate They must have been right because there were no customer reviews
  • Good gynecologists know the key to success Great customer c**....
  • Why was the friendly p**... so successful? Because he ensured all his customers that he would keep them in his thots.
Success joke, Why was the friendly p**... so successful?

Delightful Fun Success Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about success you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fortune jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make success pranks.

At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends
At age 17, success means having a driver's licence
At age 25, success means having s**...
At age 35, success means having money
At age 45, success means having money
At age 55, success means having s**...
At age 65, success means having a driver's licence
At age 75, success means having friends
At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my i**... logging business is a success.

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this s**......

A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.

The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.
The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.
A man asked the doctor what the line was for.
The doctor replied "that's the punchline."

Successful entrepreneur

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

Heisenberg gets pulled over (Nerd humor)

Finding great success as a scientist Heisenberg decides to buy a sports car. He is blazing down the highway when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and asks: "Do you have *any* idea how fast you were going?!"
Heisenberg looks at him and replies: "No, but I can tell you *exactly* where I am."

U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.

Or according to their tax returns, one of netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.

Did you hear about the baby that was born without eyelids?

Luckily the doctors were able to graft him a new pair from his f**.... The operation was a success, however now the baby's a little cockeyed.

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.

A successful woman needs four animals in her life...

A jaguar in her garage, a mink in her closet, a tiger in her bed, and a j**... to pay for all of the above.

Lions sleep 18 hrs a day..

If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is...having s**....
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 60 success is...having s**....
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully n**... man. "Hi, I'm Sess."

What was the most successful love story in Game of Thrones?

Shireen. She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.

If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be...

...I'd still be below average.

Jesus' crucifixion was a success...

They totally nailed it!

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.

What is the most successful hotel?

Auschwitz, 6 million stars.

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...

even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?

Vacation.

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have s**... with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....

Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

SECRET OF YOUR SUCCESS...

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter
asked a bank president.
"Two words"
"And, Sir,what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And,sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"

It appears international women's day was a HUGE success.

Women from all over the US demonstrated their femininity by not making up their minds about whether they wanted to celebrate it or not.

Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes

Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

There are 2 keys to success

Never tell them everything you know.

"The lobotomy was a success!"

Tom said absentmindedly.

My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...

I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.

I was bullied a lot in school.

Eventually I went on to musical success. Years down the line, I stopped in my hometown to do a show. It turned out the biggest of my bullies was hired to handle my displays.
I watched for a while as he tried to put up some cardboard cutouts of myself. Every time he would set one up, another one fell over.
Now that I'm in charge, he can't stand up two me's.

Me: The first step to success is denial.

Other person: No it's not.
Me: I'm so proud of you.

What does a wolf hunter consider success?

Smoking a pack a day.

A boy is born without eyelids...

A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his f**... to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult?

Razor thin margins.

Steps to success:

1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?

Success is like a f**....

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night
12 years old-Having a lot friends
16 years old-Being able to drive
20 years old-Having a lot of s**...
34 years old-Having a lot of money
54 years old-Having a lot of s**...
65 years old-Being able to drive
70 years old-Having a lot of friends
75 years old-Not peeing in your pants at night

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

How do you know if a Mexican party is a success?

When every Juan is dancing

Did you hear about the baby boy born without eyelids?

Fortunately, doctors were able to use his f**... to create functional eyelids. While an overall success, the surgery did leave him a little c**...-eyed.

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

There are only two rules in achieving success.

1. Never tell everything.

There was a p**... who became an entrepreneur.

Everyone said she put the "succ" in "success."

Inspirational quote of the day:

You can't spell "success" without "succ".

If the opening night of my m**...-smoked beef restaurant isn't a success, I could lose everything.

The steaks are so high.

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

What do a successful marriage and a successful m**... have in common?

They both end with one person watching the other person die.

What's the foot fetishist's secret to success?

Getting off on the right foot.

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I'll take Nunavut.

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.

He was a victim of his own success.

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.

A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer

A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer are tasked with solving a major world problem. The Scientist does the research and makes a discovery that the Inventor then uses to invent the thing that will solve the problem. The engineer refines the invention until it is ready for operation. Their solution is a huge success and very profitable. Who makes all the money?
The businessman.

Will glass coffins be a success.....

.....remains to be seen.

Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history?

Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.

North Korean scientists report 50% success at turning s**... into butter

Spreads fine, taste slightly off.

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?
Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were s**...."

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.
One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.
But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't connect to the internet.
They did not have enough bandwidth.

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.

Apparently, they don't give a s**....

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

Success joke, You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely f

jokes about success