Success Jokes
118 success jokes and hilarious success puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about success that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funniest jokes about success from popular comedians like Emmanuella and others. Explore the humorous side of customer success and the joys and frustrations of success and failure. Get ready to laugh out loud!
Funniest Success Short Jokes
Short success jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The success humour may include short succeed jokes also.
- America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
- I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
- McDonald's has paused operations in Russia. They've successfully established a No Fry Zone.
- I've decided to start carrying a knife. After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
- My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
- Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.
- Why are orphans successful? Because its either go big or go home. What choice do they have?
- Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.
- TIL the movie Starship Troopers was never adapted into a successful video game because... ...bugs.
- Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog
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Success One Liners
Which success one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with success? I can suggest the ones about luck and fortune.
- Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- Today I successfully weighed a rainbow Turns out it was pretty light
- Why is Stephen hawking successful? He can't run away from his responsibilities.
- My cloning experiment is finally a success. I'm so excited; I'm beside myself!
- My wife has a successful Onlyfans account! I'm not sure how to tell her.
- What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
- My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name? Two canes
- What takes 3 years? Making a successful post on my cake day!
- I taught my maths class how to use a protractor, with varying degrees of success.
- What's Hillary Clinton's key to success? The Delete Key
- There are two secrets to success 1. Never tell anyone all of your secrets
2. - "The lobotomy was a success!" Tom said absentmindedly.
- Why was the fishing show so successful? They had a great cast
- My Poem to you Roses are 0xff0000
Violets are 0x0000ff
return(SUCCESS); - Why was the dwarfs mining business so successful? Because his overheads were very low.
Customer Success Jokes
Here is a list of funny customer success jokes and even better customer success puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I found a noose online that claimed to have a 100% success rate They must have been right because there were no customer reviews
Delightful Fun Success Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about success you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean progress jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make success pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my i**... logging business is a success.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just successfully robbed a bank!
Now what to do with all this s**......
A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.
The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.
The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.
A man asked the doctor what the line was for.
The doctor replied "that's the punchline."
Successful entrepreneur
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"
U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.
Or according to their tax returns, one of netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.
The ladder to success
A broke young woman is walking down the road. She happens to come across a very large ladder in the middle of road. So she asks a man standing nearby what its there for, he replies saying "well, its the ladder to success!". She then proceeds to climb the ladder very eagerly. She then finds her way to the top. There stands a bright red door, so she knocks on the door. And suddenly a very large man comes out with a big grin saying " Hey there, my name's Sess"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Success is like being pregnant
Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A successful woman needs four animals in her life...
A jaguar in her garage, a mink in her closet, a tiger in her bed, and a j**... to pay for all of the above.
Lions sleep 18 hrs a day..
If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."
The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully n**... man. "Hi, I'm Sess."
What was the most successful love story in Game of Thrones?
Shireen. She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.
His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. The first is the problem of not paying competitive salaries ..."
He then turned to the next page and read out, "From now on, you unappreciative pig, you're on your own ..."
I don't believe you can become a successful bodybuilder without the use of supplements.
There's just no whey.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be...
...I'd still be below average.
Jesus' crucifixion was a success...
They totally nailed it!
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common
They both take risks and get positive results
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...
even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.
What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?
Vacation.
I recently found out my blood type is A+
However, in my tests I only get B or less. Doesn't success run in my blood?
My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film"
So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."
The line "Do you come here often?"
Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.
I was climbing the ladder to success
Then a guy poked his head out of a window and said "Hi, I'm Cess!"
I'll always be less successful than Edgar Allan Poe
Nevermore
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a really successful s**... change.
I'm having more s**... than I did last year.
My friends asked me to impersonate a lion.
It was a roaring success.
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
Whenever I find the key to success,
someone changes the lock.
SECRET OF YOUR SUCCESS...
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter
asked a bank president.
"Two words"
"And, Sir,what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And,sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes
Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.
My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...
I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.
I was bullied a lot in school.
Eventually I went on to musical success. Years down the line, I stopped in my hometown to do a show. It turned out the biggest of my bullies was hired to handle my displays.
I watched for a while as he tried to put up some cardboard cutouts of myself. Every time he would set one up, another one fell over.
Now that I'm in charge, he can't stand up two me's.
Me: The first step to success is denial.
Other person: No it's not.
Me: I'm so proud of you.
What does a wolf hunter consider success?
Smoking a pack a day.
Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult?
Razor thin margins.
Steps to success:
1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?
A group of celebrities are at a party hosted by Michael J Fox
The night is a huge success and everyone is enjoying themselves. Michael's working the bar when he's approached by Daniel Craig
Daniel Craig: Martini. shaken not stirred
Michael J Fox: *Looks up* There's a difference?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Success is like a f**....
It only bothers people when it's not their own.
Russian census ended with success
there were still people to count!
Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....
Chapter 11
Why was there never a successful "Antz" videogame?
Because they had too many bugs
How do you know if a Mexican party is a success?
When every Juan is dancing
People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.
The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.
I think with the recent success of Elon musk's not a flamethrower sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes
He could call his first brand Elon's musk
My thermometer is really inconsistent
It is having varying degrees of success
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a p**... who became an entrepreneur.
Everyone said she put the "succ" in "success."
Tom Hiddleston doesn't make a big deal about all the success he had in the MCU
Plays it Loki
Inspirational quote of the day:
You can't spell "success" without "succ".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If the opening night of my m**...-smoked beef restaurant isn't a success, I could lose everything.
The steaks are so high.
I successfully made a real clone that looks exactly like me
I'm beside myself with excitement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a successful marriage and a successful m**... have in common?
They both end with one person watching the other person die.
Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work?
Because in Soviet Russia you don't make jokes, jokes make you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the foot fetishist's secret to success?
Getting off on the right foot.
Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.
They are. It's called wrestling.
I'm very successful but I have my humble upbringing to thank
For example my father was just a blue collar road worker...but he really paved the way
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A few guys grew some w**...
A group of friends decided to experiment with growing w**... one day. It proved to be a success and they were very proud of their work.
However, one member of the group decided to take all the credit for himself. This was foolish as it was obviously a joint effort...
Do you guys wanna know what success looks like?
6s
I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...
I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey dad if you were a bubble, you could blow yourself.
When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...
I'll take Nunavut.
My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.
He was a victim of his own success.
My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women
Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s
In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves
They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine
Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum
The ex-spearmint was a complete success
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer
A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer are tasked with solving a major world problem. The Scientist does the research and makes a discovery that the Inventor then uses to invent the thing that will solve the problem. The engineer refines the invention until it is ready for operation. Their solution is a huge success and very profitable. Who makes all the money?
The businessman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
North Korean scientists report 50% success at turning s**... into butter
Spreads fine, taste slightly off.
Doctor the operation was a success
Patient really?
Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.
I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...
and everybody brought gifs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were s**...."
As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.
Sometimes I take it for granite.
During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.
It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.
One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.
But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't connect to the internet.
They did not have enough bandwidth.
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.
Apparently, they don't give a s**....
