Success Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Success is like getting pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

Being successful is like getting pregnant..

..Everyone will come to congratulate you but no one dares to ask how hard and how many times you were fucked.

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one ever asks how many times you've been fucked to get there.

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."

Success is like Pregnancy

Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Will transparent coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

Success And Shit ...

Success Is Like The Smell Of Shit, It Can Only Be Tolerated If It Is Yours .
^_^

Success is like being pregnant,...

Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.

Being successful is like being pregnant..

..Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you've been fucked.

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

It makes sense that Bernie Sanders supports Marijuana legalization...

...because his success has hinged upon high voter turnout.

HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck, I need to sleep...

Two rules for success

1. Never reveal everything you know

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.

There are two rules for success:

1) Never tell them everything you know

What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged

The highly unusual and somewhat risky procedure, known as an elephantaplasm, involved grafting a baby elephant's trunk on to the end of the patient's member.

The operation, however, was apparently a success. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to celebrate at a very fancy restaurant.

To his horror, after preliminary cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girlfriend was startled and exclaimed, What was that?

Suddenly, the penis reappeared, took another bread roll and just as quickly shot back under the tablecloth.

The girlfriend sat in stunned silence for a moment, then finally said, I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw . . . can you do that again?

The man smiled uncomfortably and replied, I'd like to, unfortunately I don't think my arse can take another crusty roll.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes

Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

There are two secrets to success.

1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman and asked ," Sir, are you a doctor?"

"No, ma'am, I work for IRS.


We are trained to squeeze the balls of everyone to make them cough up the last penny."

There are two secrets to success

1. Never tell anyone all of your secrets

2.

Rancher Abe and his mating bull

Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a vaginal smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the vaginal juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose

Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy and began to mate that day.

After a long day of success Abe headed back to his home where his wife was sound asleep. He saw his wife laying there and though maybe he'd give the vaginal smear technique at try on himself. He reached into her panties, fondled around and smeared the juices all over his nose.

Instantly he felt a surge, he was up and ready to go. He tried to wake up his wife, "Honey! Honey get up! I have something important to show you!"

Abe's wife looked at him in shock "Abe! You woke me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?!?!"

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have sex with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

So a man dies and goes to heaven

While there he finds out there are different stages of heaven.
He begins on the first stage. On the first stage, there is the hottest girl he has ever seen, she is in jeans and a jumper. She looks at him and says "you can stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
The man decides it can only get better, so he climbs the ladder.

On stage 2, there is another girl, even hotter than the last, but she is only in a bikini. She looks at him and says "you can stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
Again, the man figures it can only get better, so he climbs the ladder.

On stage 3, there is another girl, hotter than both the other girls combined, she is butt naked. She looks at him and says "I am the second last stage, you can either stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
The man can barely contain his excitement to see what the the last stage holds for him, so he climbs the ladder to the final stage.

As he arrives, he sees a big, fat, naked man standing in front of him, the naked man looks him dead in the eye and says "Hi, I'm cess"

Success is like a clitoris.

I can't seem to find it.

U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.

Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.

A lawyer is working late one night. There's a knock on his door, and in walks Satan...

Satan walks in, takes a seat, and starts talking.

"I'm here to make you an offer. I will give you all the fame, success, power, and wealth that you've ever desired. You'll be the top of your field; you can even get into politics, if you want. Schools will adopt your name. Want to own an island? How about three islands? All of that, and more...
"...and the only thing I ask for in exchange is a promise from you. You promise that your soul, the soul of your wife, and the souls of your children will be mine for all eternity."

The lawyer says nothing. He stands up, scratches his chin, and wanders around the office for a few minutes, thinking. Finally he turns to Satan and says incredulously, "All right, all right, wait just a second here. What's the catch?"

the greenhorn

A greenhorn comes from back east to try his hand at prospecting. He buys his gear and heads off into the hills. He has a couple of lonely weeks, with a little bit of success finding gold.

He's sitting by his campfire one evening when this crusty old prospector shows up and says "Howdy there, neighbor. My spot's just over the hill there. I wanted to invite you a party."

Greenhorn: "That sounds wonderful! I haven't seen a soul in weeks!"

Prospector: "I got to warn ya though...there's likely to be some dancin'!"

Greenhorn: "I love to trip the light fantastic! I'll bring my dancing shoes."

Prospector: "I got to warn ya...there'll be drinkin'!"

Greenhorn: "Oh, don't worry, I can hold my liquor."

Prospector: "There's likely to be some fiightin'."

Greenhorn: "I'm not inexperienced when it comes to fisticuffs!"

Prospector: "There'll be ... fornication."

Greenhorn: "Well...it is the Wild West...and I have not seen a lady in quite some time."

The prospector nods gruffly to himself and begins to leave. The greenhorn says, "Say, what should I wear to this soiree?"

The prospector pauses and says, "Oh, any old thing...it'll just be you and me."

climb the ladder to success

A woman who is down on her luck was walking down a street when she came across a rusty ladder on the side of a building with a sign saying, "climb the ladder to success!" Thinking that she's got nothing to lose, she climbs the ladder, only to find a naked man standing there, with his dick out. The woman asks, "who the hell are you?"
The man said, "Hi. My name's Cess."

That's the word I was looking for! (Possibly NSFW)

A man walks into a doctors office and says to the doctor "I want you to castrate me"

The doctor says "NO! I will never do such a thing"

Man: "What if I give you $1000 in cash?"

Doctor: "No"

Man: "What about $5000?"

Doctor: "Well... if you insist"

And so, the doctor puts the man under anesthesia to perform the castration



When the man regains consciousness, the doctor tells him

"The castration was a success. And, since you paid me so much, I decided to give you a circumcision as well"

The man slaps himself on the forehead and says

"CIRCUMCISION! That's the word I was looking for!"

"The lobotomy was a success!"

Tom said absentmindedly.

There are two rules for success in life:

1. Don't tell them everything you know.

The ladder to success

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess".

Towel Flapping Skills

Paddy and his wife have been married for 10 years, but in that time Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm. To fix this they go to a sex therapist, who suggests that his wife might be too hot and they should buy a fan. Paddy, being a bit cheap, doesn't buy a fan but gets his mate to stand in the corner to flap a towel instead. So Paddy and his wife go at it, Paddy's mate flapping the towel the whole time. After hours without success, Paddy's mate suggests they swap places. Paddy agrees and after 5 minutes of Paddy's mate and Paddy's wife going at it, his wife is screaming in ecstasy. Eventually, once they finished, Paddy says "Now that how you flap a towel!"

A boy is born without eyelids...

A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his foreskin to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.

There was once a group of Friars

Who began selling flowers instead of cheese. They found great success in this new calling, so much they were putting a local florist shop out of business.

The local florists were angry and decided to hire thugs to intimidate the friars into ceasing their flower sales. Thug after thug, no one was able to stop these men of God - until a man named Hugh made the friars scurry away from the town entirely!

This important story teaches us a valuable lesson: only Hugh can stop Florist Friars

So 4 guys are talking in a bar.

So 4 guys are talking in a bar, one leaves to go to the restroom while the others continue to talk. They start talking about the success of their sons, the first man says "my son's car company is so successful he was able to get his best friend a new Ferrari for his birthday." The second man boasts "well my son's real estate company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third man says "my son's airline company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a private jet for his birthday. The forth man comes back from the restroom and asks what everyone is talking about, they reply back "we're just talking about the success of our sons." The forth man says "oh, my son is a gay stripper," the other three men feel sorry for him and apologize, but the forth man simply says "don't worry about it, it's not that bad, for his birthday he got a new ferrari, house, and a private jet from his three boyfriends."

Accident

A young woman's face is badly injured during a car crash. Before surgery the surgeon removes a large part of skin from her husbands buttocks so he can transplant it to her face. The operation is a success and the woman looks almost the same as she did before. Gratefully, the woman thanks her husband: 'You're so sweet you did this for me, when we get home I will make sure you'll have the night of your life'. 'No need' the man says, 'It's thanks enough to know that every time your mother kisses you, she will be kissing my ass!'

How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"

Try this at the bars, guaranteed 18% success rate:

You: Do you have a permit to carry that?

Her: Carry what?

You: DAT ASS! Then issue a citation with your phone # on it.

A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spotted a chicken.
Rabbit: What are you?
Chicken: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Chicken: Let's have sex first...
--Love Making--
Chicken: I'm a chicken.

And the rabbit went HOP HOP HOP until it ran into a sprukotok...

Girl/Guy you are telling the joke to: What's a sprukotok?
You: Do you really wanna know?

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.

The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.

When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"

The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,
I don't want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early .

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

Im a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!

Sure enough, the manager tells him to go home.

The second worker, seeing the success his friend had, decided to start packing up his things.

The manager asks, What are you doing? The work isn't finished yet!

To which the second worker responds,

How am I supposed to see without a lightbulb?

Mr. Bean and Einstein

Mr. Bean and Einstein were taking a coffee when Einstein challenges Mr. Bean to a knowledge challenge.

**Einstein**: here is the deal, Bean. I'll make you a question. If you don't know the answer you give me 1$. Then you ask me something and if I have no answers for you, I'll give you 1000$

**Mr. Bean**: Fine.

Einstein, sure of his upcoming success, proceeds to ask Bean his question.

**Einstein**: What's the basic of quantum physics?

**Mr. Bean**: ehm...
He gives Einstein $1.

**Einstein**: alright, it's your turn now.

**Mr. Bean**: What has four legs while crossing the street, five legs when sitting down and two legs while flying?

Einstein thinks once, twice... But he really can't come up with an answer so he gives Mr. Bean $1000.
But then...

**Einstein**: But what was the answer?

*Mr. Bean gives Einstein $1*.

Success means different things at different times of life

At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success means having friends.
At age 17, success means having a driver's license.
At age 25, success means having sex.
At age 35, success means having money.
At age 45, success means having money.
At age 55, success means having sex.
At age 65, success means having a driver's license.
At age 75, success means having friends.
At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

Steps to success:

1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?

Steve goes to see his doctor

Steve goes to his doctor for a checkup after a hernia repair. The doctor says to him, "Well Steve, it looks like your operation was a success, everything is looking normal and you should be fully healed in about 6 weeks. However, due to the nature of your condition, you must not lift anything heavier than 5 lbs, due to the risk of damaging the affected area."

Steve looks blankly at him and replies, "Well how on earth am I supposed to take a piss, then?!"

Jesus' crucifixion was a success...

They totally nailed it!

Golf Outing

Four fathers are on a golf outing. One of the fathers has to take a leak, so he wanders into the woods. The other three start talking about how their sons have been.

The first dad says "Well, i'm really proud of my son, he's become a major success in the real estate business and just got a free house!"

The second father chirps in, "Well my son is doing better than I could have imagined! He's gotten major promotions at his car dealership and got himself a free car!"

The last father says "That's great and all, but my son is a wall-street mogul and he got a killer stock portfolio that has turned quite a profit for free!"

The fourth father finally emerges from the woods. They all ask him how his son is doing. The fourth dad sighs.

"Well there's good news and bad news about my son... The bad news is he just revealed that he is gay...

The good news is that he just got a free house, car, and stock portfolio from his past three boyfriends."

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...

I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.

If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be...

...I'd still be below average.

The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...

even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

Did you hear about the baby boy born without eyelids?

Fortunately, doctors were able to use his foreskin to create functional eyelids. While an overall success, the surgery did leave him a little cock-eyed.

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

The ladder to success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Lions sleep 18 hrs a day..

If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!

What are the funniest success jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Success? Well, here are the best Success puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Success pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes