The Best 72 Success Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Success jokes. There are some success perform jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these success crucial puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Success Jokes and Puns

At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends

At age 17, success means having a driver's licence

At age 25, success means having sex

At age 35, success means having money

At age 45, success means having money

At age 55, success means having sex

At age 65, success means having a driver's licence

At age 75, success means having friends

At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

Success joke, I just successfully robbed a bank!

Heisenberg gets pulled over (Nerd humor)

Finding great success as a scientist Heisenberg decides to buy a sports car. He is blazing down the highway when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and asks: "Do you have *any* idea how fast you were going?!"

Heisenberg looks at him and replies: "No, but I can tell you *exactly* where I am."

U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.

Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.


Did you hear about the baby that was born without eyelids?

Luckily the doctors were able to graft him a new pair from his foreskin. The operation was a success, however now the baby's a little cockeyed.

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

Success joke, Success is like being pregnant

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.

Lions sleep 18 hrs a day..

If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."

You can explore success failure reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean success successfull dad jokes. There are also success puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

Two rules for success

1. Never reveal everything you know

If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be...

...I'd still be below average.

Jesus' crucifixion was a success...

They totally nailed it!

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

Success joke, I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...

even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?

Vacation.


What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

There are two secrets to success

1. Never tell anyone all of your secrets

2.

To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have sex with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

It appears international women's day was a HUGE success.

Women from all over the US demonstrated their femininity by not making up their minds about whether they wanted to celebrate it or not.

Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes

Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

"The lobotomy was a success!"

Tom said absentmindedly.

My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...

I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.

Me: The first step to success is denial.

Other person: No it's not.

Me: I'm so proud of you.

A boy is born without eyelids...

A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his foreskin to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

There are two secrets to success.

1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

Steps to success:

1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

How do you know if a Mexican party is a success?

When every Juan is dancing

Did you hear about the baby boy born without eyelids?

Fortunately, doctors were able to use his foreskin to create functional eyelids. While an overall success, the surgery did leave him a little cock-eyed.

If the opening night of my marijuana-smoked beef restaurant isn't a success, I could lose everything.

The steaks are so high.

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

Will transparent coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I'll take Nunavut.

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.

He was a victim of his own success.

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

Will glass coffins be a success.....

.....remains to be seen.

Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history?

Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.

How to be successful in two easy steps

1) Never tell anyone everything you know

North Korean scientists report 50% success at turning shit into butter

Spreads fine, taste slightly off.

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't connect to the internet.

They did not have enough bandwidth.

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it

then my illegal logging business is a success

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

In 1974, Volkswagen introduced the Golf to Europe as a small car with a trunk large enough to stuff your golf clubs…

American companies would follow the success of this model, with Ford soon releasing the Escort in 1980.

*still working on this one

Success is relative….

The more success, the more relatives you have!

The truth about job promotions

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

There are two steps to achieve success in life.

1. Never say everything you know.

We have a first successful pig heart transplant.

Bacon is now both the cause and the solution of our heart problems.

Good gynecologists know the key to success

Great customer cervix.

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

Meeting at the bank

I need everyone to wish me luck today. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I'll be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask....

My cloning experiment is finally a success.

I'm so excited; I'm beside myself!

A man tried robbing a bee farm without success.

He broke out in hives when he broke into hives.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the success successful jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working success wealth piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes