The Best 55 Succes Jokes

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

Successful entrepreneur

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.

Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

Behind every successful man

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

A successful woman needs four animals in her life...

A jaguar in her garage, a mink in her closet, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for all of the above.

What is successful but always beat?

Rihanna

What was the most successful love story in Game of Thrones?

Shireen. She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.

The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.

His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. The first is the problem of not paying competitive salaries ..."
He then turned to the next page and read out, "From now on, you unappreciative pig, you're on your own ..."

What does a successful rapping cow struggle with?

Moo money moo problems

The most successful marriages and the very worst marriages end exactly the same way...

...with one partner watching the other one die.

Behind every successful man is a woman.

This game of hide and seek has been going on for too long...

The least successful Michael Jackson impersonator of all time:

Jared

I don't believe you can become a successful bodybuilder without the use of supplements.

There's just no whey.

My successful pancake business was recently shut down

Someone tipped off the police that I was selling them hot

Behind Every Successful man.

Teacher: Behind every successful man there is a women
what do we learn from this?
Student: we should stop wasting time in studies and find a woman.

If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be...

...I'd still be below average.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

What is the most successful hotel?

Auschwitz, 6 million stars.

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?

Vacation.

I'll always be less successful than Edgar Allan Poe

Nevermore

What is the most successful spinoff ever made?

The Bible

To have a successful marriage, every man has to follow these four steps...

1. Find a woman who will love you unconditionally.
2. Find a woman who will always cook for you.
3. Find a woman who will always want to have sex with you.
4. And most importantly, ensure that none of these women ever meet.

I had a really successful sex change.

I'm having more sex than I did last year.

E.T. became a very successful property manager. His slogan was...

"E.T. own home."

I don't know why I'm not successful yet! I learned all the rules!

Success is 50% attitude, 50% hard work, and 2% math accuracy

How to be a successful president:

Start every morning with a fresh cup of covfefe.

Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult?

Razor thin margins.

I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

Behind a successful man is usually a woman.

Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

Why was there never a successful "Antz" videogame?

Because they had too many bugs

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

With the success of American documentary shows like Moonshiners...

They should release a spin-off called Crackers

Success is like farts...

You only tolerate your own.

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

Success is my middle name!

But no one calls me by it.

I successfully made a real clone that looks exactly like me

I'm beside myself with excitement.

What do a successful marriage and a successful murder have in common?

They both end with one person watching the other person die.

Just want to tell you that I was successful in making it to every single Halloween party last night.

I went as a black dad.

Success isn't always valued

The gastrointestinal system's success is a complete human waste.

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

I'm very successful but I have my humble upbringing to thank

For example my father was just a blue collar road worker...but he really paved the way

Why did the successful comedian lose his job after a car accident?

It caused amputation of both his arms and lost his funny bone

Success is relative

The more successful I am, the more relatives pop out at my house.

PS. Most of them I've only seen just now

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I'll take Nunavut.

Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history?

Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.

How to be successful in two easy steps

1) Never tell anyone everything you know

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with all my pockets filled with ink cartridges."

Success is relative….

The more success, the more relatives you have!

We have a first successful pig heart transplant.

Bacon is now both the cause and the solution of our heart problems.

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?