The Best 46 Substance Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Substance jokes. There are some substance cannabis jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these substance cocain puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Substance Jokes and Puns

What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth?

Toothbrush.

Is that dog poo?

A guy is walking down the street and sees a brown lump ahead. "Is that dog poo?" He thinks to himself.

He approaches it to examine if it is dog poo. "Well it looks like dog poo." He bends down and sniffs it. "Smells like dog poo." He grazes the substance with his finger. "Feels like dog poo." His finger scoops up a part of the poo, and he licks it. "Tastes like dog poo.... Yep, this is dog poo alright."

"Well, good thing I didn't step in it."

After years of research scientists have discovered a substance that kill sex drive...

Wedding Cake

Substance joke, After years of research scientists have discovered a substance that kill sex drive...

What did the Chemistry teacher announce to his class?

"I have a substance problem."

I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears

I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.


The substance was mildly acidic on the pH scale

It was a solid 5/7

I run a nonprofit organization that helps keep homeless substance abusers warm during harsh winters.

It's called Snuggies for Druggies

Substance joke, I run a nonprofit organization that helps keep homeless substance abusers warm during harsh winters.

A Bilingual mexican dad was getting ready for work...

...and saw his son eating some cereal, but instead of milk there was a strange milk-like substance that smelled funny.

Dad: "what've you got there, son?"

Son: "cereal with soy milk."

Dad: "Hola Milk, soy tu padre!"

TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"

I replied "No, only guns."

My friend tried to convince me that hard drugs should remain illegal...

...but his argument had no substance.

What types of jokes are funnier than jokes with substance?

Jokes with substance abuse!

You can explore substance bile reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean substance periodic dad jokes. There are also substance puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it?

H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.

What's does a photon and Donald Trump have in common?

Both full of energy and momentum, both lacking substance.

A young boy's life changed when he found out he could shoot a white sticky substance

Only this young boy could also do it from his wrist. Hello spiderman.

They call me reverse Jesus.

I cant walk on water and I turn wine into a water like substance.

What do you call a substance that makes people attracted to both genders?

A bi-product!

Substance joke, What do you call a substance that makes people attracted to both genders?

I hate puke...

It's a bile substance

At school

A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

\- What substance is that?

\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!

\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!

I heard soap is quite flavourless

After all the substance is quite basic


Tea is an Evil Substance

Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!

What's the difference between cocaine and video games?

One is a controlled substance, the other is a controlled substance in Germany and Australia.

At a substance rehabilitation center, a sign is displayed on the lawn

"Keep off of the grass"

What is Michael Bay's favorite substance?

Cocaine. he blows it many times.

Apparently there was a Problem with a request to put Trump's Face on Mount Rushmore

It seems granite isn't a dense enough substance to accurately portray his head

What's Barcelona's favourite chemical substance?

What is long and hard that I shake every morning to obtain a white substance?

My shaving foam can you perv.

what do you call a substance which fails to reduce friction

lubrican't

What is fat, has no brain, and coated in an orange substance?

a Cheeto puff

People like to point out that the title of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" sounds like the substance that probably inspired the song...

...and sometimes I wonder the same thing about the title of the movie The Dark Crystal.

What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

My girlfriend bought me a Chemistry-related t-shirt that says, "I Like To Experiment" on the front.

So I bought one for her.

"Toxic Substance".

What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

What is the most abused substance in the water industry?

Plumber's crack.

What thing is around 6 inches long, you put it in and out your mouth repeatedly and wait for a white substance to come out?

Toothbrush.

What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?

Criptonite.

So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

Which illegal substance does the universe take?

Asteroids.

I am proud to call myself a true man of substance.

Cocaine, meth, heroin, you name it.

What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a barrel of radioactive waste?

Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled "dangerous substance"

When Spiderman shoots a sticky substance all over someone he's "amazing"...

But when I do it I'm a pervert.

As a kid, fart jokes are always funny...

But as an Adult, for a fart joke to be funny it needs more substance.

A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"

"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and buy a fancy car."

"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and buy two fancy cars."

"I would have hair," says Johnny. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Johnny, "my mom has a tiny strip of hair between her legs, and you should see all the fancy cars outside our house!!!"

Butane really is a magical substance

It's a heavy liquid but a lighter fluid

What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the substance kinetic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working substance meth piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes