Substance Jokes
60 substance jokes and hilarious substance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about substance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will explore the topic of substance-related jokes, which involve the consumption of recreational drugs and alcohol, and how they can be used to address bile, often through comedic means. Learn more about how to make and share these types of jokes in a safe and responsible way.
Funniest Substance Short Jokes
Short substance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The substance humour may include short material jokes also.
- TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
I replied "No, only guns." - I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer" Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.
- The most toxic substances known to mankind. 1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community - What's does a photon and Donald Trump have in common? Both full of energy and momentum, both lacking substance.
- What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it? H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.
- I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.
- So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool" Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?
- I've heard someone discovered a new substance that makes people around it very serious This is a no joking matter
- At a substance rehabilitation center, a sign is displayed on the lawn "Keep off of the grass"
- When Spiderman shoots a sticky substance all over someone he's "amazing"... But when I do it I'm a pervert.
Share These Substance Jokes With Friends
Substance One Liners
Which substance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with substance? I can suggest the ones about molecule and subject.
- I read a whole book on adhesive substances last night, I just couldn't put it down
- Butane really is a magical substance It's a heavy liquid but a lighter fluid
- What do you call a substance that makes people attracted to both genders? A bi-product!
- I'm afraid of lukewarm substances. They fill me with tepidation.
- What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth? Toothbrush.
- what do you call a substance which fails to reduce friction lubrican't
- The substance was mildly acidic on the pH scale It was a solid 5/7
- What is the most abused substance in the water industry? Plumber's crack.
- What is fat, has no brain, and coated in an orange substance? a Cheeto puff
- I heard soap is quite flavourless After all the substance is quite basic
- What's Barcelona's favourite chemical substance?
- What's the stickiest substance known to man? A stick... idiot!
- What did the Chemistry teacher announce to his class? "I have a substance problem."
- Whats a humble substance under a ph of 7 called? Aaah me? No..... acid
- What substance do healers take to get high? Healium
Substance Abuse Jokes
Here is a list of funny substance abuse jokes and even better substance abuse puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I run a nonprofit organization that helps keep homeless substance abusers warm during harsh winters. It's called Snuggies for Druggies
- My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them. It wasn't nice… to witness substance a**....
- What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance a**... ? An Ex-Stasi
- What types of jokes are funnier than jokes with substance? Jokes with substance a**...!
- You hear about the molecule that beat his wife? I heard it was substance a**...
- If Chuck Norris were a substance, he would a**... you.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Substance Jokes
What funny jokes about substance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chemical jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make substance pranks.
Is that dog p**...?
A guy is walking down the street and sees a brown lump ahead. "Is that dog p**...?" He thinks to himself.
He approaches it to examine if it is dog p**.... "Well it looks like dog p**...." He bends down and sniffs it. "Smells like dog p**...." He grazes the substance with his finger. "Feels like dog p**...." His finger scoops up a part of the p**..., and he licks it. "Tastes like dog p**....... Yep, this is dog p**... alright."
"Well, good thing I didn't step in it."
A Bilingual mexican dad was getting ready for work...
...and saw his son eating some cereal, but instead of milk there was a strange milk-like substance that smelled funny.
Dad: "what've you got there, son?"
Son: "cereal with soy milk."
Dad: "Hola Milk, soy tu padre!"
They call me reverse Jesus.
I cant walk on water and I turn wine into a water like substance.
I hate p**......
It's a bile substance
At school
A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:
\- What substance is that?
\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!
\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!
Tea is an Evil Substance
Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!
A story from a factory
One day, this guy's at work at a factory that makes glue and whiteout. These two substances are stored in these large vats. One day, the guy falls into one of the vats. His supervisor comes to help and the two start a conversation:
Guy: I'm okay. I just fell into the vat of glue.
Supervisor: You actually fell into the vat of whiteout. See, it says so right there.
Guy: I stand corrected.
People like to point out that the title of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" sounds like the substance that probably inspired the song...
...and sometimes I wonder the same thing about the title of the movie The Dark Crystal.
What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?
p**... evaporation
What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?
Criptonite.
What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a barrel of radioactive waste?
Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled "dangerous substance"
Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.
I mean, it's basic science.
I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.
I gave my catalyst.
As a kid, f**... jokes are always funny...
But as an Adult, for a f**... joke to be funny it needs more substance.
My wife and I have been arguing a lot because she thinks I'm too pedantic
So I've started drinking.
She told me, Alcohol isn't a solution.
Actually, I replied it's excellent at dissolving many substances.
anti crocodile substances
a man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town
one day his neigbhour called the police because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets
when the police came they asked the man:" what are you pouring on the streets? "
the guy said: "i was pouring anti crocodile liquids "
the officer said:" but there are no crocodiles in this town"
the guy said" you are welcome"
A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"
"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and buy a fancy car."
"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and buy two fancy cars."
"I would have hair," says Johnny. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Johnny, "my mom has a tiny s**... of hair between her legs, and you should see all the fancy cars outside our house!!!"
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
