Submarines Jokes

Following is our collection of battleship humor and navy one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Submarines puns for adults, dirty undersea jokes or clean vessel gags for kids.

There is an abundance of sailors jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 43 funniest jokes on submarines. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fleet witze you can hear about submarines.

The Best jokes about Submarines

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

There are more airplanes in the ocean

than submarines in the sky

Did you know there are more planes in the ocean..

Than submarines in the sky?

One of my dad's favorites about flying

"You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there."


TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL HITLER WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!"

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,

"Sieg Heil! We need fuel!"

BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines

Oops, wrong sub.


Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"

Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"

The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"

The German general is impressed and doesn't know what to say.

Suddenly they see waves appearing a little off the shore and with a splash, a submarine surfaces. The hatch opens and the emerging soldier raises his right arm "Heil Hitler! We are out of fuel!"

An American soldier, English soldier, and Chinese soldier and standing together on top of their respective submarines...

The English soldier says, "The English have phenomenal subs. We can stay under for a week without coming up!"

The Chinese soldier quickly replies, "A week! Our subs can stay under for a month, easy."

The American lets out a chuckle and says, "With our nuclear power subs, we can remain underwater for over three months!"

All of a sudden, a U-boat rises from the water and a man comes out. He asks, "Did we win the war?"

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.

The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".

The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing. Our submarines can go for a whole 3 years and never have to come to the surface once!".

At this point the North Korean starts laughing and says: "Oh boys, that's really cute and all, but we launched a submarine in 1968 and it hasn't surfaced yet!".

Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a waterfront

Trump says, "American submarines are the best. The best, let me tell you. They can stay underwater for two weeks, okay. Two weeks. When anybody asks me who builds the best submarines, I say America. Nobody builds better submarines than us."

Putin says, "That is good, Donald, but I'm afraid Russian submarines can stay underwater for two months at a time."

Suddenly, there is a big commotion in the water. As Trump, Putin, and Merkel turn their heads, they see a large submarine surfacing. Moments later, the hatch opens, and a man in uniforms pops out and says, "Heil Hitler, is ze war over yet?"

Fun WWI fact: There are more crashed planes down at the bottom of the ocean than-

-crashed submarines in the sky.

Obama and Putin are walking on the beach.

Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil Hitler! Do you have diesel?"

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines ovat the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-out but still in a good condition for it's age surfaces. An old grey-bearded man opens up the hatch and shouts to them:

"Heil Hitler! Haben sie Diesel?"


A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"

Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they can stay submerged for up to a year"

As the American opens his mouth to voice his reply, he's suddenly interrupted as a massive submarine surfaces right in front of them.A man steps out, looks at them and screams: "Heil Hitler, have we won ze war?"

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

Trump, Putin and Merkel are sitting at the North Sea...

..when Putin goes "We have submarines, that can stay up to 12 days under water without refueling!"
Trump replies "Ha, that's nothing, we have a huge tremendous one that can stay up to 2 month without refueling!"
Merkel feeling ashamed, staring down on the ground.

At the exact moment an old, rusty submarine is raising out of the water. The hatch opens, a man with long grey beard and dirty clothes climbs out and yells "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel!"

Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces?

Submarines.

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."

Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:

"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"

The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"

Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

The French, the British, and the American are talking about submarines.

So there's a French, British, and American submarine engineer, sitting at a café, overlooking the ocean.

The British says "Our new electric submarines can stay underwater for a full two weeks without surfacing," he brags.

The Frenchman replied "Zat is nothing! Our new French diesel submarines can stay underwater for a full month without surfacing!"

The American then says. "Oh ho. Yeah, well our new American nuclear submarines can stay underwater for a full three months without surfacing."

Suddenly, a submarine rises from the ocean. The hatch opens, a man gets out, raises his arm and says "Hail Hitler! Have we won the war?"

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

An English man, French and American walk near the sea

And argue who has the best submarines.


The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.


The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.

The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.

Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?

best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.

How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.

Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.

The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's keyboard has 2 buttons: if you pres the first one nothing happens and the second one cancels the command

So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"


P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO

What do feline submarines have?

Purriscopes.

TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines.

World Leaders

President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.

Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days."  Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!"  Merkel looks quite ashamed and shies away, when suddenly a U-Boot surfaces, the hatch opens and the commander looks out: "Heil Hitler, we need Diesel!"

Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a beach, arguing over whose Navy is the best.

Donald Trump says, The US Navy is the best navy! We have submarines that can stay underwater for a whole year without resupplying!

I've got you beat, Putin replies. Russian submarines can stay underwater for ten years without ever resupplying!

Merkel is about to respond, but she is interrupted by a splashing in the water. Suddenly, a massive iron ship surfaces and a bedraggled man hops out of it.

Heil Hitler! The man says. Which way to Berlin?

I have such dirty thoughts when it comes to submarines

Every night my mind sinks to new depths

Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...

...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"

Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."

Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil Hitler, wir brauchen Diesel!"

TIL the USS Colorado made nearly 12,000 career dives during WWII- significantly more than most modern submarines- and sunk the last Japanese warship of the war!

Sorry, wrong sub :(

Do you know how to sink a Russian submarine?

The Russians are perfectly capable of sinking their submarines themselves

I formed a band called the submarines...

None of our songs got out of the water

Canada's navy has 3 submarines!!!

Unfortunatley 2 of them are located in west Edmonton mall

How were naval losses announced in the Soviet Union?

"Comrade Stalin, seven of our destroyers have been recommissioned as submarines!"

Fun fact:

Fun fact: there's more air planes in the sea then there is submarines in the sky.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes