Submarine Jokes

Following is our collection of naval humor and sunk one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Submarine puns for adults, dirty vortex jokes or clean idc gags for kids.

There is an abundance of undersea jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on submarine. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any divert witze you can hear about submarine.

The Best jokes about Submarine

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It's a pretty good µ-boat.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

The other day, I was on a submarine tour.

I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.

Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.

"Err, this isn't the right sub."

Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams...

and its dream was to be a submarine.

I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements

So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.

What do you call a marine who can't swim?

A submarine.

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL HITLER WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"

Book Jokes.

I read a thriller in Braille.
You can really feel the suspense.

I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity.
It's impossible to put down.

I read a book about submarine construction.
It's riveting.

I'm reading a book about adhesives.
It has me glued to my seat .

I read a book on suicide.
It had me on the edge of my building.

Feel free to insert more. :)

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"

A man joined the Navy and was stationed on a sub

A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.

This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.

On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.

On the fourth day, it happened again.

On the fifth day, he was again, moved to another station.

On the sixth day, he asked the commanding officer.

The guy: Why are so many of us being moved to different stations frequently?

Commanding Officer: Reposts are common on this sub .

How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?

By how fast it sinks.

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.

The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".

The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing. Our submarines can go for a whole 3 years and never have to come to the surface once!".

At this point the North Korean starts laughing and says: "Oh boys, that's really cute and all, but we launched a submarine in 1968 and it hasn't surfaced yet!".

Obama and Putin are walking on the beach.

Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil Hitler! Do you have diesel?"

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines ovat the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-out but still in a good condition for it's age surfaces. An old grey-bearded man opens up the hatch and shouts to them:

"Heil Hitler! Haben sie Diesel?"

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"

Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

Barrack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel are having a meeting...

...and at one point they start bragging about their submarine fleets. Obama goes: "We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 4 months straight", to wich Putin replies: "Phwahaha, thats nothing! We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 8 months!" After that, they look at Angela, wondering what she has to say. And with a lot of embarassement and insecurity in her voice she says: "i don't really know a thing about our i cant tell"

And just at that moment a submarine emerges at the naval base in Kiel, a sailor steps out and yells: "Heil Hitler! We need diesel!"

Why did the submarine quit its job?

It was under too much pressure.

What do you call a dog riding in a submarine?

A subwoofer.

TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.

Oops, wrong sub.

Blonde Inventions

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Trump, Putin and Merkel are sitting at the North Sea...

..when Putin goes "We have submarines, that can stay up to 12 days under water without refueling!"
Trump replies "Ha, that's nothing, we have a huge tremendous one that can stay up to 2 month without refueling!"
Merkel feeling ashamed, staring down on the ground.

At the exact moment an old, rusty submarine is raising out of the water. The hatch opens, a man with long grey beard and dirty clothes climbs out and yells "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel!"

What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine?

A not see you boat.

TIL that a Russian submarine was accidentally destroyed by a Russian warship that mistook it for an enemy submarine.

Oops, wrong sub!

Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.

One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.

Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?

The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is

My grandfather was the kind of man who was proud of the fact that his back door was always open.

We think that's why his submarine sank.

What do you call a Nordic God child molester being fired out a submarine?


Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.

The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with vodka.

At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!

Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!

But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!

If someone tells you he has a centrifuge on a submarine, don't believe him!

It's a subterfuge...

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What's that?

— Just a can of people.

The French, the British, and the American are talking about submarines.

So there's a French, British, and American submarine engineer, sitting at a café, overlooking the ocean.

The British says "Our new electric submarines can stay underwater for a full two weeks without surfacing," he brags.

The Frenchman replied "Zat is nothing! Our new French diesel submarines can stay underwater for a full month without surfacing!"

The American then says. "Oh ho. Yeah, well our new American nuclear submarines can stay underwater for a full three months without surfacing."

Suddenly, a submarine rises from the ocean. The hatch opens, a man gets out, raises his arm and says "Hail Hitler! Have we won the war?"

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

TIFU by getting on the wrong submarine

Oops, wrong sub.

A navy crew aboard a submarine are called by their initials...

A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander. His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.

BO is quickly made fun of by OC, although FU, CK, and OOF enjoy BO's company as he is funny and kind. Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on board and nobody likes him.

The captain later comes in as OC is complaining about his poor treatment.

BO, FU, CK, and OOF, why are you guys so rude to one of our members!

Why doesn't anyone on this sub like OC!?

Why did they put Patrick Henry in a submarine?

Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer!

Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says, "hey, I'm really worried about this mad cow disease going around".

The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a submarine!".

The last joke my Italian grandfather told me before he passed.

Two italian soldiers are sitting on a beach in Normandy during WWII when a German submarine surfaces offshore. One Italian looks at the other and says, "Is thata UBoat?" The other Italian replies, "nope, not mine".

My grandfather would always go on about the old days and how they could leave their backdoor open

which is probably why his submarine sank.

What do you call a Marine that likes to follow orders?

A Sub-Marine!

*attempt at OC joke. I'm sure someone else has thought of this before me though.*

Three blondes are lost in a forest.

When they reach to a giant lake. It is to big to go around it, so they want to go straight trough it. And than, a good fairy appears. She says that she will give one wish to each of the blondes. First one wishes for a boat. With the boat, she gets to the middle of the lake, and there is a tiny vortex who sucks her in. The second blonde wishes for a submarine. With it, she gets all to the middle, but than the vortex sucks her. And the third blonde wishes to be brunette. After she is changed, the brunette says: Oh, look, a bridge.

So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"

P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO

Help, I just sunk the wrong submarine and I need legal advice

Whoops! Wrong sub.

TIFU by destroying a friendly submarine

Whoops, wrong sub.

Video: Finnish Navy and Yle mistakenly follow Russian nuclear submarine

Whoops. Wrong sub.

Why couldn't the submarine captain keep piloting the sub?

The pressure was killing him.

What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?

Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.

Did you hear about the gay whale bothering the Navy?

It bit the head off a submarine and sucked all the seamen out...

Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down?

Shame they went under

John and Jim were at the pub.

John timidly ask Jimmy,have you ever heard that joke about the submarine?

Jimmy, confused responds know what? It's never come up

How do you start a German submarine?

DOS Boot.

[US] Mexican Submarine Destroyed in the Gulf of Mexico

Oops wrong sub

The german submarine in the Atlantic brings in a new communications guy.

It's his first day on the job and he's given instructions on which istrument does what and chart for morse code. Very excited about the job, he tunes in and is left to his own by his CO after a bit.

In a few hours, he receives his first message. "This is the Royal navy. Mayday Mayday, we are sinking. I repeat, we are sinking!".

The german communications operator remains super composed. He slides the mic a little closer to him and presses the button to speak. He very calmly orates, " Zis.. is.. ze German command. What.. are you... zinking about?".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes