Amusing & Witty Submarine Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
Did you hear about the gay whale bothering the Navy?
It bit the head off a submarine and s**... all the s**... out...
What do you call a dog riding in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Blonde Inventions
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
If someone tells you he has a centrifuge on a submarine, don't believe him!
It's a subterfuge...
So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.
Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"
Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"
Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"
Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams...
and its dream was to be a submarine.
What do you call a Nordic God child m**... being fired out a submarine?
Thor-Peado
my old man had a joke from his days in the Air Force
Background: my dad was a biomed tech and did work for all branches throughout many areas.
One day, he's at a Navy submarine repair station. as him and his buddy are walking in, 2 Navy guys see em and say 'Air Force? what are you guys doing here? where are they going to put the landing s**...?'
the other Navy guys says, 'fuck that, where are they going to put the golf course?'
After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.
Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.
When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.
TIFU by destroying a friendly submarine
Whoops, wrong sub.
TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.
Oops, wrong sub.
You can explore submarine naval reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean submarine vortex dad jokes. There are also submarine puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you call a marine who can't swim?
A submarine.
Obama and Putin are walking on the beach.
Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil h**...! Do you have diesel?"
North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine
Woops, wrong sub
TIL that a Russian submarine was accidentally destroyed by a Russian warship that mistook it for an enemy submarine.
Oops, wrong sub!
Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach
The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."
The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."
The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail h**... we need Diesel!"
The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.
Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.
TIFU by getting on the wrong submarine
Oops, wrong sub.
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy
Oops, wrong sub
How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?
By how fast it sinks.
AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle
Oops, wrong sub.
A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology
The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.
The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days
Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says, "hey, I'm really worried about this mad cow disease going around".
The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a submarine!".
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "s**... globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
My grandfather was the kind of man who was proud of the fact that his back door was always open.
We think that's why his submarine sank.
The last joke my Italian grandfather told me before he passed.
Two italian soldiers are sitting on a beach in Normandy during WWII when a German submarine surfaces offshore. One Italian looks at the other and says, "Is thata UBoat?" The other Italian replies, "nope, not mine".
Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?
They're built with sub-standard materials.
What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine?
A not see you boat.
Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What's that?
— Just a can of people.
Why did the submarine quit its job?
It was under too much pressure.
What do you call a Marine that likes to follow orders?
A Sub-Marine!
*attempt at OC joke. I'm sure someone else has thought of this before me though.*
Why did they put Patrick Henry in a submarine?
Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".
How do you start a German submarine?
DOS Boot.
Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.
One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.
Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?
The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is
What's the difference between Madeleine Mccann and a submarine?
Nothing, now. They're both at the bottom of the ocean, full of s**....
My grandfather would always go on about the old days and how they could leave their b**... open
which is probably why his submarine sank.
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL h**... WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"
What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?
Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.
I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements
So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.
It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.
That would've been sublime.
I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.
It's a pretty good µ-boat.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A sub-woofer!
The other day, I was on a submarine tour.
I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.
Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.
"Err, this isn't the right sub."
Book Jokes.
I read a thriller in Braille.
You can really feel the suspense.
I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
I read a book about submarine construction.
It's riveting.
I'm reading a book about adhesives.
It has me glued to my seat .
I read a book on s**....
It had me on the edge of my building.
Feel free to insert more. :)
A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
What do you call a sailor who likes to get t**... and gagged during s**...?
A submarine
I f**... at work the other day..
then my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.
Aeroplane jokes tend to go right over my head.
But submarine jokes are beneath me.
Why is Google Chrome like a submarine?
They tend to get a little slow if you open too many windows.
What do you call a beached russian submarine
Whiskey on the Rocks
An Engineering Joke.
Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this moment a Uboat emerges from the depths and drives up to the beach. A hatch opens, and a man in uniform pops out. He looks at the three, raises an arm and shouts: " Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
What do you call a barking dog in a submarine?
A sub-woofer!
What do you call a h**... on a submarine?
A substitute
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub is doing even better!
What do you call a dog on a submarine?
A subwoofer (I'll see myself out)
Why did the d**... join the submarine crew?
...She's just got a thing for subs.
I Got Fired From My Last Job
\- Why?
\- I Opened A Window.
\- Just Because Of That? Where Did You Work?
\- ...The Submarine
BREAKING: Russia has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Black Sea, killing all 69 aboard
Whoops wrong sub
A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...
... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."
What do you call a Marine who joins the Navy?
A Sub-Marine.
I tried to join the Marines.
But I fell short of their physical requirements. So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.
Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea
Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"
Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"
Merkel stands next to them saying nothing.
Suddenly the sea is rambling and a submarine emerges next to them.
The top hatch opens and out pops and old man, raising his arm and shouting
"HEIL H*TLER, WE NEED DIESEL!"
