Following is our collection of naval humor and sunk one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Submarine puns for adults, dirty vortex jokes or clean idc gags for kids.
There is an abundance of undersea jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on submarine. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any divert witze you can hear about submarine.
It's a pretty good µ-boat.
Oops, wrong sub
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"
Oops, wrong sub.
Woops, wrong sub
I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.
Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.
"Err, this isn't the right sub."
and its dream was to be a submarine.
So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.
A submarine.
Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL HITLER WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"
I read a thriller in Braille.
You can really feel the suspense.
I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
I read a book about submarine construction.
It's riveting.
I'm reading a book about adhesives.
It has me glued to my seat .
I read a book on suicide.
It had me on the edge of my building.
Feel free to insert more. :)
That would've been sublime.
The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."
The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."
The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"
A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.
This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.
On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.
On the fourth day, it happened again.
On the fifth day, he was again, moved to another station.
On the sixth day, he asked the commanding officer.
The guy: Why are so many of us being moved to different stations frequently?
Commanding Officer: Reposts are common on this sub .
By how fast it sinks.
Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.
When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.
A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.
The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".
The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing. Our submarines can go for a whole 3 years and never have to come to the surface once!".
At this point the North Korean starts laughing and says: "Oh boys, that's really cute and all, but we launched a submarine in 1968 and it hasn't surfaced yet!".
Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil Hitler! Do you have diesel?"
Russian: "Our submarines ovat the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."
American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."
Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-out but still in a good condition for it's age surfaces. An old grey-bearded man opens up the hatch and shouts to them:
"Heil Hitler! Haben sie Diesel?"
They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".
The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"
Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".
...and at one point they start bragging about their submarine fleets. Obama goes: "We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 4 months straight", to wich Putin replies: "Phwahaha, thats nothing! We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 8 months!" After that, they look at Angela, wondering what she has to say. And with a lot of embarassement and insecurity in her voice she says: "i don't really know a thing about our fleet...so i cant tell"
And just at that moment a submarine emerges at the naval base in Kiel, a sailor steps out and yells: "Heil Hitler! We need diesel!"
It was under too much pressure.
A subwoofer.
Oops, wrong sub.
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
..when Putin goes "We have submarines, that can stay up to 12 days under water without refueling!"
Trump replies "Ha, that's nothing, we have a huge tremendous one that can stay up to 2 month without refueling!"
Merkel feeling ashamed, staring down on the ground.
At the exact moment an old, rusty submarine is raising out of the water. The hatch opens, a man with long grey beard and dirty clothes climbs out and yells "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel!"
A not see you boat.
Oops, wrong sub!
One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.
Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?
The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is
We think that's why his submarine sank.
Thor-Peado
They're built with sub-standard materials.
So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.
The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with vodka.
At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!
Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!
But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!
It's a subterfuge...
— Just a can of people.
So there's a French, British, and American submarine engineer, sitting at a café, overlooking the ocean.
The British says "Our new electric submarines can stay underwater for a full two weeks without surfacing," he brags.
The Frenchman replied "Zat is nothing! Our new French diesel submarines can stay underwater for a full month without surfacing!"
The American then says. "Oh ho. Yeah, well our new American nuclear submarines can stay underwater for a full three months without surfacing."
Suddenly, a submarine rises from the ocean. The hatch opens, a man gets out, raises his arm and says "Hail Hitler! Have we won the war?"
The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.
The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days
Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"
Oops, wrong sub.
A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander. His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.
BO is quickly made fun of by OC, although FU, CK, and OOF enjoy BO's company as he is funny and kind. Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on board and nobody likes him.
The captain later comes in as OC is complaining about his poor treatment.
BO, FU, CK, and OOF, why are you guys so rude to one of our members!
Why doesn't anyone on this sub like OC!?
Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".
A sub-woofer!
The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a submarine!".
Two italian soldiers are sitting on a beach in Normandy during WWII when a German submarine surfaces offshore. One Italian looks at the other and says, "Is thata UBoat?" The other Italian replies, "nope, not mine".
which is probably why his submarine sank.
A Sub-Marine!
*attempt at OC joke. I'm sure someone else has thought of this before me though.*
When they reach to a giant lake. It is to big to go around it, so they want to go straight trough it. And than, a good fairy appears. She says that she will give one wish to each of the blondes. First one wishes for a boat. With the boat, she gets to the middle of the lake, and there is a tiny vortex who sucks her in. The second blonde wishes for a submarine. With it, she gets all to the middle, but than the vortex sucks her. And the third blonde wishes to be brunette. After she is changed, the brunette says: Oh, look, a bridge.
Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"
Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"
Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"
P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO
Whoops! Wrong sub.
Whoops, wrong sub.
Whoops. Wrong sub.
The pressure was killing him.
Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.
It bit the head off a submarine and sucked all the seamen out...
Shame they went under
John timidly ask Jimmy,have you ever heard that joke about the submarine?
Jimmy, confused responds No...you know what? It's never come up
DOS Boot.
Oops wrong sub
It's his first day on the job and he's given instructions on which istrument does what and chart for morse code. Very excited about the job, he tunes in and is left to his own by his CO after a bit.
In a few hours, he receives his first message. "This is the Royal navy. Mayday Mayday, we are sinking. I repeat, we are sinking!".
The german communications operator remains super composed. He slides the mic a little closer to him and presses the button to speak. He very calmly orates, " Zis.. is.. ze German command. What.. are you... zinking about?".
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.