The Polar bear.
I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.
It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside.
I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
I really hate my job at the crematorium.
Here's mine:
A panda walks into a bar and orders his food and drinks. When he's done, the panda gets up and pulls out a gun, which he then shoots into the ceiling. He promptly leaves.
The next day, the panda goes into the same bar, at which point the bartender says, "Hey! You can't come in here after what you did yesterday, you didn't even pay!"
To which the panda says, "bartender, look up the definition of a panda in the dictionary."
The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads aloud, "panda - eats shoots and leaves."
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
What do you call a fat monster who's okay-at-best at his job?
Meaty ogre
So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that lever his whole life. He had wondered his whole life if it actually worked or if it was just some elaborate hoax. So one day, Nate decided to try to pull the lever. Nate ran for the lever and was quickly shot down. I mean, it was better Nate than lever. *ba dum tiss*
Honor roll.
What do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Dec 25 = Oct 31
To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back
Let's get together and make some cents.
A barber is cutting a man's hair when a boy walks in. The barber chortles and tells the boy to come to him and tells the man, "Look here, this is the stupidest boy in the world." He held out in one hand a quarter and in the other a dollar. "Here, pick whichever one you want." The boy takes the quarter and leaves.
"What did I tell you?' he says to the man, "Stupidest boy in the world."
As the man leaves, he sees the boy sitting on the stairs. Curious about the boys decision, he asks him, "Why did you choose the quarter over the dollar? Clearly, the dollar is worth more."
The boy looks up and slowly smiles.
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
I never said you were stupid, but when I asked you how to spell Mississippi and you asked me if I meant the river or the state, you kinda caught me offguard.
There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, I'll stay! God will save me!
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said Come on mate, get in!
No replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.
No, God will save me! he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God Why didn't you save me?
God replied, For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter
No one is that stupid.
I fucking hate my job at the crematorium.
What do you call a stupid bell?
A dumbbell.
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With My Parents.
Police: Where Do Your Parents Live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where Do You All Live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where Is Your House?
Me: Next To My Neighbours House.
Police: Where's Your Neighbours House?
Me: If I Told You, You Wouldn't Believe Me...
Police: Tell…
Me: Next To My House. Lol.
Help me make this girl at work smile. She loves stupid jokes about animals.
So there are two cows eating grass in a paddock. One cow looks up and says "moo". The other cow says "hey, I was gonna say that!"
I really love jokes with the construction:
What's the difference between x and y? One is a(n) __________ and the other is a __________
Now, the thing that kills me about these is where there's the turn in the punchline, like (making this up):
What's the difference between your mom and a dog? One tries to lick its own asshole and the other one is a dog.
Obviously my joke is awful, but does my construction make sense? Does anyone know what this is called? Is there a name for it?
I feel like I need a joke expert like some people know literary devices!
I really love jokes with the construction:
What's the difference between x and y? One is a(n) __________ and the other is a __________
Now, the thing that kills me about these is where there's the turn in the punchline, like (making this up):
What's the difference between your mom and a dog? One tries to lick its own asshole and the other one is a dog.
Obviously my joke is awful, but does my construction make sense? Does anyone know what this is called? Is there a name for it?
I feel like I need a joke expert like some people know literary devices!
I really love jokes with the construction:
What's the difference between x and y? One is a(n) __________ and the other is a __________
Now, the thing that kills me about these is where there's the turn in the punchline, like (making this up):
What's the difference between your mom and a dog? One tries to lick its own asshole and the other one is a dog.
Obviously my joke is awful, but does my construction make sense? Does anyone know what this is called? Is there a name for it?
I feel like I need a joke expert like some people know literary devices!
I worked from desk till dawn.
That when the teacher asked her to do an essay, she fucked a mexican.
She killed herself for life insurance
Because U-KNIGHTED AIRLINES
A parents with their child went to a naked beach. The child talked to his mother:
+ There are so many women with bigger boobs than yours here
+ Well, the bigger the boobs, the more stupid they are son! - mother replied
+ And there are many men whose D**** are bigger than dad here - The child continue to talk
+Hmm the bigger the D is, the more stupid they are son!
After wondering around, the child came back and said to his mother:
+ Hey mom, dad is talking to the most stupid woman on this beach... and the more he talks, the more stupid he becomes!
A man walks in to a doctor's clinic with a hot woman on valentine day, he told the doctor that his wife 's vagina in closed. "That can't happen" said the doctor, the man insisted and told the doctor to proceed to examine her, inside the exam room the doctor fingered her and both gets aroused and started to have sex. He then return to the man and told him that his wife is fine. The man asked to check by himself, he went inside the exam room and had sex with the woman. He came out and told the doctor that his wife's vagina is open now and that thanked the doctor. Couples of months later they saw each other from a distance at a party , the doctor told his friend while laughing: I fucked this man's wife on my clinic. The man told his friend while laughing last valentine day I was horny and all the hotels were booked so I fucked a prostitute is this doctor clinic.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Stup? Well, here are the best Stup dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Stup pick up lines to share with friends.