Delightful Fun Stuff Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
Just finished watching that Documentary on the invention of the shovel...
Ground Breaking Stuff.
Aftershave's aftereffects.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like.
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Why should you distrust atoms?
Because they make up an awful lot of stuff.
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
What's that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow Natives.
My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"
I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."
Winning the lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
My wife says we should spice up our s**... life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.
You can explore stuff bullshit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stuff whatnot dad jokes. There are also stuff puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC...
There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected
You know what most people hate about ambiguity?
Stuff.
Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?
Amazon.
"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"
A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like."
I was just at a lecture about how to fasten metal together.
Riveting stuff.
A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff
I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for s**...
I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
A Chinese guy walks into a bar...
A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?
• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.
I have a buddy that likes to have s**... with inanimate objects.
We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.
Boss p**...
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.
Hope she likes her toaster.
I never use the term "feminazi"...
Because the n**... actually got stuff done.
I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...
This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.
Wife and husband are in the living room.
She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."
Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science!
Me: Don't you mean history?
Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!
A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."
Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."
Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."
I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff
Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...
I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
Jokes are like Apple
The best stuff has already been been done better by someone else.
I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong
I mean, it's not rocket surgery
Jesus loves you.
A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.
There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...
...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.
Now it's considered kid stuff.
My wife kicked me out. She says it's because I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.
He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice j**... and vases and stuff.
My wife is furious at me because I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right left away.
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having s**....
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.
Username checks out.
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
My 3 year old daughter asked
My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does p**... come from?
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?
Yes , she replied.
Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as p**....
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?
My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"
"that's nuts" I replied.
First Night in Prison
I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married
I visited the National Air and Space Museum.
I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.
Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore.
There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER IT g**...!
Me: 911, what's the emergency?
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff
As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
I'll never forget my son's 89th sentence
Dad, you remember weird stuff
I have a friend who is s**... attracted to inanimate objects.
I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.
Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my b**... onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.
I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try b**... stuff just so we can hold hands.
The surgeon's going to hand my a**... to me.
If I high five someone did they technically s**... my a**...?
My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have b**... sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car c**... at the intersection. I want to dip.'
Why does Russia put the letter Z on all their stuff?
Because they'd rather not be called "Not Z's"
my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!
The entire situation was just two in tents.
Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...
Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."
A duck walks into the drug store
A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.
Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".
Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."
Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."
Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."
My doctor said
"I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."
A guy walks into a bar
... and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."
My dad said I have no sense of direction in life.
So I packed my stuff and right
Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.
Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.
I've been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac
I've been taking all kinds of stuff for it
You can keep your beer cold with the same stuff that makes it clear
Isinglass
Stuff in the air...
The Country is on the lookout for flying objects.
Today, on Valentine's Day, Cupid almost got taken down by the National Air Patrol...
