Stuff Jokes
120 stuff jokes and hilarious stuff puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stuff that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for funny takes on hot stuff, free stuff, really good stuff, Mutt and Stuff, and short stuff – we've got you covered! This article rounds up the best stuff jokes, letting you know which material is pure gold and which is just total rubbish. Get ready for a crack-up!
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Funniest Stuff Short Jokes
Short stuff jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stuff humour may include short material jokes also.
- Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
- My wife is furious at me because I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right left away.
- Why does Russia put the letter Z on all their stuff? Because they'd rather not be called "Not Z's"
- I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?" I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."
- I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
- My wife kicked me out. She says it's because I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
- I went to the National Air and Space museum in DC... There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected
- /u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff. Username checks out.
- Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science! Me: Don't you mean history?
Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!
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Stuff One Liners
Which stuff one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stuff? I can suggest the ones about tools and matter.
- Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
- What's that black stuff between an elephants toes? Slow Natives.
- My GF said she hates my sense of direction. So I packed my stuff and right.
- My dad said I have no sense of direction in life. So I packed my stuff and right
- I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong I mean, it's not rocket surgery
- Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff? Amazon.
- You know what most people hate about ambiguity? Stuff.
- Jokes are like Apple The best stuff has already been been done better by someone else.
- I'll never forget my son's 89th sentence Dad, you remember weird stuff
- I was just at a lecture about how to fasten metal together. Riveting stuff.
- Why should you distrust atoms? Because they make up an awful lot of stuff.
- People often ask what I do at the teddy bear factory. Just stuff.
- My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.
- What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes? Slow natives.
- What do taxidermists do for fun? Oh, you know... Stuff...
Free Stuff Jokes
Here is a list of funny free stuff jokes and even better free stuff puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Monopoly is amazing but it has some pretty old stuff that one can't relate to anymore I mean there is free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff. There's free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.
- Every body loves guns! Everytime I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
- What do you call an adult male who believes that a man with a white beard hands out stuff for free? A communist
- Black monday is way better then black friday, look at the deals these people in Ferguson are getting. Stuff is free!!
- Liberals just want free stuff. Like building a wall and having Mexico pay for it.
- Nut allergic people can't get anything for free Because the stuff they buy must be nut free
- What is the similarity between a psychologist and a p**...? They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.
- People say the best stuff in life are free But those people have clearly never had s**...
Hot Stuff Jokes
Here is a list of funny hot stuff jokes and even better hot stuff puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Historic quotes "Man this stuff is hot"
- First guy caught on fire - Back in the 90's, a gay man slapped me on the a**... and called me "hot stuff" at a farmer's market I thought about leaving, but I stayed because I really enjoy some fresh fruit.
- What's young, hot, and makes a s**... of stuff? A sweatshop.
Short Stuff Jokes
Here is a list of funny short stuff jokes and even better short stuff puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What are some very short, witty, funny, punny jokes than you can use to start a conversation with a girl? (no extreme s**... stuff) But compliments would help
- IamA (Blank) AMA! **My short bio:** Enter stuff here
**My Proof:** Enter link here
Really Good Stuff Jokes
Here is a list of funny really good stuff jokes and even better really good stuff puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
Delightful Fun Stuff Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about stuff you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean piece jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stuff pranks.
Just finished watching that Documentary on the invention of the shovel...
Ground Breaking Stuff.
Aftershave's aftereffects.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like.
Dean, to the physics department:
"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.
One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."
The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
JOB INTERVIEW
"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me.
"I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny."
"How come?" she replied.
"Because I said blah blah blah."
families
so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
Frank's wife goes missing
Frank's wife goes missing and a week later he bumps into his friend Larry on the street. "Frank! How are you? You look a little worse for wear. Any news on your wife?"
"Hi Larry, I'm alright. They said I should be prepared for the worst."
"Oh god that's awful!" Larry sympathises.
"Yeah I know right. I had to buy all her stuff back from the thrift shop this afternoon."
My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning
Seems he was their favorite rabbit
Three men are on a boat back to North America...
A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.
*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*
Winning the lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
My wife says we should spice up our s**... life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"
I got security cameras fitted outside my house.
Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.
"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"
A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like."
A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff
I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for s**...
I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
Dad, are ghosts real?
Dad: No son, of course not
Son: The nanny said they are
Dad: Okay, pack your stuff... We don't have a nanny
A Chinese guy walks into a bar...
A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?
• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.
I have a buddy that likes to have s**... with inanimate objects.
We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.
Boss p**...
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
I never use the term "feminazi"...
Because the n**... actually got stuff done.
I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...
This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.
Wife and husband are in the living room.
She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."
A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."
Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."
Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."
I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff
Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery
Jesus loves you.
A beautiful sentiment to hear at church.
The stuff of nightmares in a Mexican prison.
There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...
...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...
A man visits a psychic
He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."
"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"
"Ha! That's what you think!"
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.
Now it's considered kid stuff.
A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.
He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice j**... and vases and stuff.
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having s**....
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
Should I beat my kids?
I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated
My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.
But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And with the lockdown in place we can't get out the house either, which doesn't help the situation
Anyway, I just really wanted some advice before I take drastic measures, because I'd really like to enjoy playing Mario Kart normally again without letting them beat me
A daughter thinks I don't respect her privacy
Why would she write such stuff in her diary?
My 3 year old daughter asked
My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does p**... come from?
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?
Yes , she replied.
Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as p**....
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?
A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...
"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Wow that's awesome," his boss asks, "What do you have in there?" The guy answers, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"
"that's nuts" I replied.
What's simmilar between Twin Towers and genders?
There used to be 2 of those and now you can't joke about that stuff.
My son got busted at school for m**....
When I got home, I burst into his room shouting you can't be doing stuff like that boy, you'll go blind!
He said, I'm over here Dad!
First Night in Prison
I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married
When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he's a hero and a amazingly kind man
When I do it I get arrested for trespassing and being a child predator
I visited the National Air and Space Museum.
I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.
*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER IT g**...!
Me: 911, what's the emergency?
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff
As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
My mother-in-law just asked for "bath stuff" for her birthday
She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her
I have a friend who is s**... attracted to inanimate objects.
I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.
Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my b**... onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.
I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try b**... stuff just so we can hold hands.
The surgeon's going to hand my a**... to me.
If I high five someone did they technically s**... my a**...?
A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have b**... sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car c**... at the intersection. I want to dip.'
my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!
The entire situation was just two in tents.
Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...
Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."
A duck walks into the drug store
A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.
Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".
Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."
Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."
Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."
My doctor said
"I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."
You can keep your beer cold with the same stuff that makes it clear
Isinglass