Stuck Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.

Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

Having gay parents must be terrible

Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"

Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

Having gay parents must be horrible ...

... you either get twice as much of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years?

The Church

I saw an advert that read: Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

I saw this advert in a window that said: Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full. I thought.....

I can't turn that down.

Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge..........

Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.


Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.


He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"


Justin burst out into tears.


"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.


Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

I saw this ad in a window that said: "TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full!"

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!"

The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.

What did the 3 tampons say when they walked past you?

Nothing! They were all stuck up bitches...

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."

What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!

Women are like a box of chocolates

I'm always stuck with the one's nobody wants.

I just fell victim to a dad joke

Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.

Me: I don't know?

Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.

on the eve of our anniversary....

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"

"Yup."

"Wow, can't turn that down."

What do you call it when you get your dick stuck in an Apple product?

A Steve Job

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..

Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"


Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."


Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

Having gay parents must be the worst

Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing...

But it's up there.

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body

Then my mother gave birth

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

Two blondes get stuck in elevator

One of them starts yelling: HELP, HEEEELP

The other one then suggests: Maybe we should start yelling together

The first blonde starts yelling again: TOGETHER, TOGETHEEEEER

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas.

Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

The worst part of gay couples adopting kids

The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother.

It must suck being raised by gay parents.

Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one series forever?

Church.

Why did the two tampons not talk to each other?

because they're both stuck up cunts

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!

On the eve of our anniversary my girlfriend and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex...

Come morning, I was up first, so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

A marine and a sailor are walking down the street...

When they spot a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The pair race up to the sheep, where the marine drops his pants and begins fucking the sheep. After a few minutes he finishes, take a step back and asks the sailor "you want to give it a shot?"

The sailor replies "hell ya" and promptly sticks his head in the fence.

A couple was driving through Arizona, it was extremely hot so they both got naked....

their car broke down and the husband put his clothes on to go find help, a cop pulls up behind the car and approaches the wife who uses her husbands shoe to cover her vagina. She tells the cop "Help were stuck!!" and the cop replies, "Ma'am if he's in that far I cant help you".

Two friends are driving along the road

When they see a goat with its head stuck in a fence. They pull over, and the driver gets out, goes over to goat pulls down his pants and fucks the goat. When he is done he gets back in the car and the passenger turns to him and says "you know, that actually looks like a lot of fun." The drive tells him to go give it a shot. So the passenger gets out, walks over to the goat and sticks his head in the fence.

I got my kid a puppy as a gift, but it died before Christmas...

Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

What's the worst part of getting your keys stuck in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as anything .

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

I was in the bar with my buddy last night and he was sighing heavily and staring into his beer glass..

"What's up dude"? I said. "You look worried"

"So would you man." he replied. "My five year old son has gone and gotten our next door neighbor's gorgeous eighteen year old daughter pregnant!"

I said "No way, that's not possible"

He replied "Yes it is! The little bastard went and stuck a pin in all my condoms"!

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .

When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.

Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.

A man and his coworker are at the water cooler...

A man and his coworker are at the water cooler talking during their break when the man asks,

"If you woke up with grass stains on your knees and a condom stuck in your ass, would you tell anyone?"

The coworker, disgusted, replies "No!"

"Wanna go camping this weekend?"

Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?

Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.

Jesus was doing a crossword

But he got stuck on 2 across

A blonde and a brunette are stuck in the elevator

Blonde: Help! Help!
Brunette: We should yell together!
Blonde: Together! Together!

Three tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?

None of them. They were all stuck up cunts.

Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles?

He always gets stuck on 2 Across.

What did one dick say to the other dick?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

I feel bad for children of gay parents

They either suffer from twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mother"

What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?

One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.

While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back.

I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"

-true story, just happened.

Tour guide

A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.

When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"

Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs

"give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"

In that case," replied the mugger,


"give me my money."

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

They helped.

two men are driving down the country road when....

...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has sex with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.

I walked into a shop and saw a radio for sale because the volume was stuck on high...

...I thought, I can't turn this down!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...

The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

Why don't pads like tampons?...

Because they're stuck up bitches.

There once was a family of moles in their mole hole when one smelled something sweet...

The father mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said "is that honey?" So the mother mole squeezed through the hole next to the father and smelled "that may be maple syrup! It smells so wonderful!" The baby mole, wanting to see what all the commotion was about, frustratingly couldn't fit between the father and mother mole. So he wailed " All I smell is molasses!"

Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.

The seller responded, "One dollar."

"Wow, only one dollar?"

"Yep, one dollar."

Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.

"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.

"So the volume is always turned up?"

"Yep."

"And it's only a dollar?"

"Yes, one dollar."

"Just cause the volume is turned all the way up?"

"Yep."

"Wow! Can't turn that down."

What's the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest?

The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor.

What are the funniest stuck jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Stuck? Well, here are the best Stuck puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Stuck pick up lines to share with friends.

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