Strong Man Jokes
111 strong man jokes and hilarious strong man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about strong man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Strong Man Short Jokes
Short strong man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The strong man humour may include short hard man jokes also.
- How many nice guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just compliment it for being a strong, independent bulb until a real man comes along and screws it under their noses.
- Did you know that Popeye the Sailor Man doesn't seem strong to the Swedes and the Norwegians? He is, however, strong to the Finnish.
- Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess... ...they're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.
- Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli? He was pulled under by a strong currant
- My friend is a man with strong convictions. The main reason is he couldn't afford a good lawyer.
- What's the difference between a hoedown and a hootenanny? It takes a bunch of people to have a hootenanny, but one strong man can hold a hoedown...
- My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn't figure out what was his blood type. But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.
- Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards... ... but he's strong to the Finnish!
- A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"
"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear." - What's behind every strong beautiful woman? Her man asking if she's done doing her make-up.
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Strong Man One Liners
Which strong man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with strong man? I can suggest the ones about big man and wise man.
- Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range... But it wasn't his strong suit
- Iron Man and the Silver Surfer should team up. They'd be strong alloys.
- What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of my hand.
- I'm a strong man, I don't need no woman! Is what I would like to say, but I miss you Mom!
- A man drowned this morning eating a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled him under.
- What do you call a man who's so strong he can lift a car? Jack
- A man drowned in his cereal... ...he was pulled in by a strong currant!
- How did the man drown in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled him in.
- First man to fap in space? Neil Arm'strong!
- I'm a man of strong convictions. The District Attorney in this town is pretty good.
- Man drowned in Muesli Got pulled in by a strong currant
- The p**... hand... Strong enough for a man, made for a woman.
Strong Man Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about strong man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rich man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make strong man pranks.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a r**.
.., violent river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first blonde prayed to god saying, "Please god, give me the strength to cross this river."
p**...! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this the second blonde prayed to god saying, "Please god, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." p**...!
God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third blond had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to god saying, "please god, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river."
And p**...! God turned her into a man.
He looked at the map, then walked upstream and across the bridge.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.
A runaway man from prison that was sentenced for life, has stayed in for 25 years.
While trying to find a place to hide, he enters a newlywed’s house, ties the man in a chair in a corner of the room and ties the woman in the bed.
He climbs on the bed, on top of the woman and appears to be kissing her neck.
Then he gets up and leaves the room.
Immediately the husband drags his chair up to the bed and whispers to his wife: "My love, this man hasn’t seen a woman for many years. I saw him kissing your neck and rushing out. Just play nice with him and do as he asks you to. If he wants to have s**... with you just agree and pretend that you like it. Whatever you do, don’t go against his will and upset him. Both our lives are at your hands right now, be strong and remember that I love you."
As soon as the half n**... woman recovers from the shock of what she just heard, she says: "Honey, I feel very relieved that you see it this way. You are right, this man has not seen a woman for years but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering to me. He said that he finds you very cute and asked me if we have Vaseline in the bathroom! Be strong and remember that I love you too!"
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "
If I have 5 cookies, and I give you 2, how many cookies do I have left?"
Little Johnny replies, "Zero, you're giving me more than just 3 cookies. I'm taking all 5 baby!"
The teacher just facepalms herself. "I can strongly suggest that you work on your math skills Johnny." the teacher suggests.
"Oh I know math, one man plus one girl, subtract a c**..., equals a baby!" Little Johnny says.
A guy walks into a welfare office...
to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her s**... urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.
The welfare clerk behind the counter said, Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her s**... urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!
The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
A frustrated woman on an airplane. (Sexism)
A woman had just gotten onto an airplane after a very rough day. She had been fired, her boyfriend had dumped her, and now she had to sit on this irritating airplane just to get home. A quarter of the way through the flight and she's had enough. She stands up, holds her hands up in the air and exclaims loudly to the whole plane that she just wants to feel like a woman. "I just wanna feel like a woman!" A man in the seat in front of her stands up. He is tall and good looking. He starts unbuttoning his shirt and she can see that he is very strong. He finished unbuttoning his shirt, and hands it to her.
"Iron this."
Be strong honey.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A guy walks into a...
A guy walks into a local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her s**... urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
An older man goes to see his doctor...
...for a physical. The doctor tells the man the results are fine and asks him how he is doing.
"I feel great!" he replied, "God and I have made a really strong connection lately."
The doctor find this a little odd, but is respectful and asks "How so?"
The man says "Well, when I wake up to pee in the middle of the night, God turns on the light for me. And when I'm done, he turns it off again."
Now the doctor is curious as to what the man is talking about. He sends him on his way and calls the man's wife.
"Hello ma'am this is your husbands doctor. His checkup was fine, however he said something strange about God turning the light on when he gets up to pee in the night, and turning it off again when he's done."
The wife sighs and says, "d**... he's peeing in the fridge again."
A guy escape from prision
A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants s**..., do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!
"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "
Strength vs. Intelligence
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be d**...," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
An argentinean and a Brazilian get lost in the desert...
They proceed to find a lamp. The argentinean rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. Seeing as the two are lost, he decides to give one wish to each of the men.
First, the argentinean man says his wish:
"I wish that there was a wall on the borders of my country, so big and strong that no one would be able to invade it!"
The genie grants his wish, and a gigantic wall appears on the borders of Argentina.
Then the brazilian man goes to say his wish, but before he asks a question:
"Is the wall really strong and big?"
"Yes" the genie answers.
"Then fill it with water" the brazilian man says.
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
Three guys were at the gates of Heaven.
God says to each of them, "If you tell me how you died, I'll let you into Heaven."
The First guy looks at God and says, "I live in an eight story apartment building and my apartment in on the seventh floor on the west side of the building. I had left work early because I had an assumption that my wife was cheating on me.
"So I had made it home and saw my wife in bed, clothed in only a bath robe, and she was sweating. I searched around for the guy she was cheating on me with, but I couldn't find him.
"So I go outside on my balcony and I see a pair of hands hanging from the balcony. I just knew that was him! I tried stepping on his hands but his grip was too strong; so I go inside, which is the kitchen, and tip my refrigerator over and push it off the edge. Unfortunately, my leg was caught by the cord and I fall to my death."
God allows the man into Heaven.
The Second man, furious, says, "I live in an eight story apartment on the top floor. I am a business man. I was outside sorting paper work when a gust of wind blows my papers in the air. As I reach for them, the fence to my balcony breaks and I was hanging on for dear life a floor below when this idiot steps on my hands and throws a refrigerator at me!"
God allows him into Heaven.
The Third guy looks at God and says, "Picture this... You're in a refrigerator... n**....."
I love you, honey!
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'
Found this on Facebook hope you like it.
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
Father, what causes arthritis?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
Abe & Becky are in bed ....
Abe says to Becky t**... nightie' to which Becky says 'No'
Abe tries again 'Please t**... nightie'. 'No' says Becky.
Abe is really frustrated, gets up and goes out for a walk slamming the door behind him - so Becky locks it.
When Abe gets back he hammers on the door and asks Becky to open it which she refuses to do.
Abe is really annoyed now so he batters the door down. As he is standing there Becky says :-
'What a man. Strong enough to batter a door down but not strong enough to lift a nightie' !!!
A man was drinking in a British pub
...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.
"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.
"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
A plane is going to c**......
The passengers on board know they only have a few minutes left to live and one woman stands up from her chair and calls out to everyone. "We're all going to die...but before we do, is there anyone on board who can make me feel like a woman?"
A young handsome man rises up from his seat with a look of strong determination and nods with certainty. "Of course, I can!" And he pulls his shirt off at once.
He holds it out to her and says "Here, iron this!"
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...
...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
How did the man drown in a bowl of muesli?
A strong raisin pulled him under.
(source: my mother, who never could remember jokes)
The escaped convict. :D (worth the read)
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
Husband and wife and a convict...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
ESCAPED CONVICT
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Escaped Convict Joke I Saw On Facebook.
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie.
''You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish,'' the genie tells her.''See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man,'' she says.The genie agrees and – p**...! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.''Do you have anything to say before we make love?'' she asks.''Yes,'' he says. ''I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week.''
A Convict Breaks out of Jail
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
She responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL
and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy
her s**... urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
s**... drive."
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
A black man walks into a bar...
And sits down with a parrot on his shoulder. When the bartender asks what he would like to drink, the parrot answers instead.
"v**...!" it squawks.
Amazed by the trick, the bartender got him his drink and stood back in awe. A few minutes later, the curiosity became to strong for the bartender and he had to know.
" hey, where did u get that? It's so well trained!"
"Africa" answers the parrot.
A man was at the bar one night...
He had a few too many when he saw three obese girls come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention.
The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, the man looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" One of them spoke up, with a loud, n**... attitude and said "It's WALES you idiot!!!"
The man apologized with a little slur and said "I'm so sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?'
A man goes to a job interview...
His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"
A prisoner escaped..
And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"
So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...
**Feminist:** Why isn't the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She's obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she's not in a bar, she's um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That's so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won't tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can't tell a joke without being sexist then you're not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.
So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar...
So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar. The first says "I'm I-10, baby! Atlantic to Pacific! Long and Strong. All day, traffic, truckers and they're flying along at ninty miles per hour. Cuz I'm the Best!" The other piece of highway snorts. "You got nothin! I'm I-95. Always busy! Always full and Always bringing the business! Semis! Tandems! All of it! Bartender! More whiskey!"
As the bartender is refilling their glasses, a small piece of gravel and dirt trail walks in and sits at the end of the bar. "Excuse me, Bartender? Could I get a cranberry juice?"
The first piece of interstate starts to pick on the little fellow. "Hah! Cranberry juice!?" But the other piece of highway stops him. "Hey, don't mess with that one man." "Why not?" Asks the other.
"Cuz he's a cyclepath."
I moved out of my parents place and became a strong independent man. Now I can buy anything
my girlfriend allows me to buy
An old man went to a store to buy laxative...
He ask the clerk:"How strong is the effect of this laxative?"
Th clerk says:"There is a public toilet 50 steps away from this store, if you take the laxative now, exits the store and run straight there, as you sit down on a toilet your poops will be pouring out."
The old man seem satisfied, he bought the laxative, took it and exits the store.
After 5 minutes, he returned to the store.
The clerk asked:"What happened? It didn't work?."
The old man answered:"No, it works fine. I am just here to tell you the public toilet is actually 52 steps away."
A man was found drowned in a bowl of muesli...
Apparently he was pulled in by a strong currant!
There was once man.....
That was really strong. He also loved drinking punch. That was the reason he went to parties. His name?
Juan. Juan Punch Man.
An old blacksmith ...
... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
What do you want to be when you grow up...
A teacher in front of her three students asks them about what they want to be once they grow up. She walks up to the first boy.
Teacher: so, John what do you want to be when you grow up?
John: A firefighter.
Teacher: you will grow up to be a strong brave man .
Teacher: and you Mary, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Mary: A Lawyer.
Teacher: You will grow up to be a smart strong lady.
Teacher: and finally, Sam, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Sam: I'm never gonna grow up, and neither will John or Mary.
Teacher: what do you mean Sam? Of course your gonna grow up.
Sam: then I'm gonna be the luckiest t**... to ever live.
87 year old man makes love to a 20 year old girl
Halfway through, he as aneurysm but finishes strong. The girl goes to visit him at the hospital.
Girl: I didn't know you had it in you! I'm impressed!
Man: I've still got some strokes left.
A man walks down the street with a large pole on his shoulder
A person across the street asks:
"Are you a pole vaulter"
(With a strong German accent): "No, I'm a German but how did you know my name is Walter?"
A man suffering for weeks from terrible nightmares goes to the doctor…
Man: Please doctor, you've got to help me with these nightmares!
Doctor: What type of dreams are you having?
Man: Well, I always dream of these awful rats playing football. Seeing them crawl, tackle, squeal night after night—it's terrible! Do you have a remedy for me?
Doctor: I've got the cure for you right here. This pill is so strong, so powerful, you will never have nightmares!
Man: Ok great! Can I take this pill tomorrow night?
Doctor: Yes, but why don't you want to start today?
Man: Well, it's just that the championship match is tonight.
A woman places a personal ad in the papper...
Ad goes as follows...
"Woman seeking man with strong arms to hold me. Must enjoy long walks on the beach, and above all else, is good in bed."
A few days later her door bell rings. She answers the door to a quadriplegic man in a wheel chair. He says, " I here because of the ad." Which she replies to " Well you have no arms to hold me, and no legs to walk. How are we suppose to make this work?". Which he replies, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?".
Sorry for formatting, on mobile.
There's an old adage which says that behind each and every strong man, there is an even stronger woman.
Even moreso if you work for the Weinstein Company.
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "d**... if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"
Two friends are in a psych ward....
....when one pulls out a strong flashlight and points it at the ceiling, flicking it on and off in their dark room. The man says to his friend, Hey, why don't you try climbing the light?
The friend goes, Do you think I'm an idiot? You'll just flick it off when I'm halfway up.
-My grandma last night
A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:
Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"
Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"
Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"
Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."
A heartbroken guy walks into his bar and orders a strong drink.
"You theem pretty upthet", the barman says, with a strong lisp, "I'm a good lithener if you wanna talk about it?"
The man swigs his beverage and tells the barman about how his wife has fallen out of love with him. He explains that he's decided to give her some room in hope that the time apart will make her miss him.
"No no, thath not the anthwer", says the barman and hands him a large bottle.
"Oh, I can't drink this", says the man, "I hate aniseed".
"It'th not for you, it'th for your wife... abthinthe makth the heart grow fonder".
On a faraway island lived a solitary genius
On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.
His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the end he had to give up..
It simply proved too hard to draw Cong Clu's Ions from the experiments.
A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"
"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
A Rabbi, A Noose, A Sapling . . .
A young rabbi was out for a walk when he came across an older man sitting next to a newly-planted sapling. Around the man's neck was a noose, with the other end of the rope tied to one of the tree's twigs.
The rabbi greeted the man, then said, May I ask what you're doing?
What does it look like? answered the man, gruffly, I'm hanging myself!
But it will be years before this tree is strong enough to bear your weight, argued the rabbi.
The man shrugged, then asked, What's the rush?
(I wrote this joke for Tu B'Shevat, and I couldn't be prouder!)
I strongly believe in karma.
Like this other day i noticed a homeless man sitting in front of the supermarket. He seemed to have a difficult time.
I went into the supermarket and collected some stuff to give to the homeless man, i wrapped it up neatly in some wrapping paper and went back outside
The homeless man asked if i had some spare change. I told him "I dont have any spare change for you but i do have this present for you".
The homeless man couldnt help but put a big smile on his face and said: "My good sir i would happily take this gift"
I replied "You may have this gift under one condition". "Anything sir" the homeless man replied
"Dont you dare open it before you get home"
A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.
After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.
The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do something before getting his inheritance, like take up a sport, go back to school or get a job.
Would this really work? asks the Scot.
You bet, replies the lawyer as he downs a shot of whiskey. It'll be strong enough to make your heir curl.
A strong man owned a restaurant.
The man had a challenge to anyone who came in. The strong man would squeeze all the juice out of a lemon then challenge the other person to squeeze out at least one more drop.if they win they get a free dinner. many strong people came, but not one could do it.until a small and scrawny man walks in. he takes the challenge. the strong man squeezes.then the small man, and he squeezes out THREE more drops! the strong man was amazed and asked what job this man had to be so strong. the small man replied "I work for the IRS".
A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.
Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.
A mans wife was in labor when the doctor said...
You know, there is an experimental technology that can transfer your pain to the father, but he will feel the pain 10 times as much
The husband, seeing his wife in pain hurt him too much and said, Do it. I'm strong enough
The doctor then did it, and the man didn't feel a thing, which the doctor found odd.
Later, the couple came home, and found their mailman, on their driveway, dead.
My dad tried to translate a joke from Spanish to English once.
His English translation:
There was a man driving his Mercedes on a deserted road at night. He reached an old rickety bridge that didn't look strong enough to hold his car. He got out and went to inspect the bridge, and stomped all the way to the other side to make sure it was safe. He decided it was, and turned back to his car and said Mercedes, come.
That's is that's the joke.
Fun fact, in Spanish, the word for -come- is ven and in Spanish, the v sound is pronounced more like the b sound. Mercedes Benz... get it.
Not all jokes translate well.
I'll try to translate this joke from Spanish
A man is walking down the road carrying a shovel when his friend sees him.
Friend: Hey Pablo, you sure do look tired. What have you been up to?
Pablo: I come from burying my mother in law.
Friend: And you're that tired? Even with how strong you are?
Pablo: The massive b**... wouldn't let me!
A guy in a Canadian city wants to get hammered.
He goes up to the local pub with a strong man blocking his way.
"I want to drink the night away!"
The muscular guard takes off his sunglasses and says,
"What would you do for a Klondike bar?"