strokes Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious strokes puns

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

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Why do old people like golf?

Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

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The baby

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this… Β 

Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault.

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Why did the ska guitarist take twice as long to fap?

He only knows up strokes

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A blonde goes golfing with her father

She is feeling good about her game recently, so she challenges her father: "If you beat me, I'll buy you dinner and drinks. If I beat you, you give me $20 to go shopping. The father agrees.

After the round, the father adds up the scores. "Ha! I beat you by 3 strokes. Let me think about what restaurant I want," he says triumphantly. The blonde grabs the scorecard to try adding it herself. Not wanting to make a mistake, she pulls out her phone and calculates it carefully.

After 10 minutes, the father is starting to get impatient. Finally the blonde looks up. "Well, did you finish adding it up?"

"Yup," she replied. "Nice try, Daddy, but I got the higher score!"

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NSFW. Bob is complaining about his sex life..

.. to his friend Joe.

"It's so boring, just one position, in-out repeat as necessary while Jane just stares at the ceiling."

Joe strokes his chin thoughtfully and says "you need to start being dynamic, spontaneous, dominant and innovative! As soon as she comes to bed just surprise her and have your way with her!"

Later that night as soon as Jane enters the bedroom she is thrown against the door and ravished vigorously, Bob is hugely turned on by her groans and screams and says to himself "I'm a goddamned sexual tyrannosaurus!"

When Bob is done however and getting ready for bed he can't help but notice Jane is still against the door moaning and groaning.

"I knew I was good but not that good." Bob boasts.

"I..I..can't..move...you idiot...the doorknob is stuck in my asshole."

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A Politician's Tells

Especially given recent events, it's important to be able to understand how to read a politician. Every politician has similar tells, you see...
When a politician rubs their nose, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their chin, they're telling the truth.
When a politician strokes their beard, they're telling the truth.
When a politician loosens their tie, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their ear, they're telling the truth.
But when a politician opens their mouth, that's when you know they're lying.

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What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

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What does rock music and my grandpa have in common?

The Strokes

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How to wave a towel... (my Dad's favourite joke, this version was found on the net)

No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to

consult their rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following

suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over

you.

That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they

make love.

It doesn't help and his wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed."

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

They go home and hire a strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an

enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him

triumphantly:

"'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.

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My extremely religious dad burst in

There I was, on my vinegar strokes, trembling, sweating and panting, phone in one hand cock in the other.

"Boy do you realise that sinning this way will strike you blind?" He screamed

"I'm over here dad" I said.

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John and Bill decide to play some golf one morning...

...and they're not very good. So bad, that old ladies start passing them before they hit the back nine.

At the sixteenth hole, they're both playing from the rough after their first strokes.

Waiting at the tee box they see a skinny bearded man. "Mind if I play ahead?", the man asks.

"Sure thing, buddy! Lord knows how long we'll be here.", Bill yells back.

The man hits the ball over their heads and into the rough.

Laughing and amongst themselves, they meander through the woods to find his ball being held by a squirrel. The squirrel runs up a tree, but is then swooped up by an owl. The owl takes flight over a water hazard and drops the squirrel, still holding the ball. The bearded man joins them and they walk towards the edge of the water. As they approach the water's edge, an alligator leaps out thrashes his head towards the group, spitting out the squirrel holding the golf ball. The squirrel rolls down green and into the hole, only to emerge without the ball and scurry away back into the woods. The three men run over to find the golf ball resting at the bottom of the hole.

"Jesus Christ!", John yells out.

The man nods.

"Yup."

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Why do old men prefer golf more than sex?

The fewer the strokes the better you are at it ;)

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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.

What did you do? asked the man of the rabbi.

I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.

What did he say? asked the man.

He said, Funny you should come to me...

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A woodchopper from the Middle East is looking for a job...

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, "Okay, here's an axeβ€”let's see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree and felled it with one blow. The foreman, amazed, said, "Okay, try that big one over there." The woodchopper went over to the treeβ€”biff, bamβ€”in two strokes the tree was down. "Fantastic!" cried the foreman. Of course you are hired, but how did you ever learn to chop like that?" "Oh," he replied, "I've had plenty of practice in the Sahara Forest." The foreman thought for a moment. "You mean," he said, "the Sahara Desert." "Oh yes," replied the woodchopper, "it is now!"

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An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.

The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.

The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."

The instructor feinted.

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A pedophile spots two 12 year old girls walking in the forest

He approaches them and says:

'I'll give you a lollipop each if you let me pet your hair!'

The two girls glance at each other, shrug, then nod. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently strokes their hair.

'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me carress your shoulders!' says the pedophile.

The girls look at each other again, shrug, and say 'Okay'. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently carresses their shoulders.

'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me pet your backs!' says the pedophile.

The girls look at each other again, and one says to the other:

'By the time this guy gets to screwing us, we'll get diabetes!'

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A priest sees God

After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a hair's breadth to me.
The priest: And time?
God: Billions of your years are but a second to me.
The priest: What about money?
God smiles and says: Money means absolutely nothing to me, all the money in the word is less than a cent to me.
The Priest, gathering courage then asks God: Almighty, would you mind than, maybe, creating few millions for our impoverished parish?
Sure - says God - just a second.

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Ice Cream Truck

My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.

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Golf is like the opposite of masturbating

It's gets more impressive the fewer strokes it takes you to finish

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Pinocchio goes to the doctor...

and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do."

The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This should clear up the splinters in no time."

Pinocchio thanks the doctor and heads off. A few months later Pinocchio returns for a regular checkup. During it the doctor asks "So, how have things been with your girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied "Who needs a girlfriend?"

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My nursing home golf team won again...

We had the least amount of strokes!

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Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

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Three Penises in a bar

There's three penises in a bar drinking. They've been in jeans all day and need to relax. Well, they have a few beers and get to talking. They decide to see who's master was the best.

Penis #1: My master holds me all the time, and he let's me out whenever I want.

Penis #2: My master shows me off all the time, strokes me every day, and let's me hang in the cold water when he sits.

Penis #3: ( head down ) *sigh* well you guys win, my master is awful, every night he puts me in a rubber suit, throws me into a dark fishy smelling cave and makes me do push ups until I spew.

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Why do artists die early in life?

Too many strokes.

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A different kind of Jewish joke

A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps.
"Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"
"What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"
"Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Christian!"
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should mention that. My son too went to Israel, and he too came back a Christian..."
At this moment, a bright light parts the clouds and a booming voice sounds from on high: "Funny you should mention that..."

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What do vaginas and row boats have in common?

Both can't get anywhere without a few strokes

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What is the difference between sex and golf?

In golf, less strokes is enough to win.


I could actually use some help refining the punchline on this one if anyone has some ideas.

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As far as I know original golf joke

So what does a bogey have in common with a dead golfer?

One too many strokes.

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A husband gets home after playing golf.....

And his wife asks how it went to which he replies "It went very well, except when I hit that goose on the 8th hole" The wife then replies "How many strokes is a goose?"

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Did you hear about the golfer who passed away?

He had two strokes over 80.

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Life is like golf

The less strokes, the better

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What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm?

Different Strokes

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What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, I built this bar with my own hands .

I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as The old man who builds bars ? No.

The old man stands up, Come outside, young man.
Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and this wall has stood here for 20 years. Am I known as The old man who builds walls ? No.

The old man gestures to the pier. Look at this pier. My father & I, we hewed these logs, we slung them together, we sunk the posts and built the pier. Am I known as The old man who builds piers ? No.

You fuck one goat

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What are the most funny Strokes jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Strokes? Well, here are the best Strokes dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Strokes pick up lines to share with friends.

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