string Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious string stories

What are the best String puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about String? Well here is a complete list of String to have fun with:

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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Irish fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth.'

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A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string...

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."

She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.

He replies,

"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."

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Tribal Experiment!

A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure?"

Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're half-way there," he replied.

"You've grown to 12 inches?!" she said, astonished.

"No... it's turned black," he answered.

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I swallowed two bits of string yesterday.

When they came out the other end they were tied together. I shit you knot!

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A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

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String

A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.

The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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A Linux Joke

In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?

Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.

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No Strings

Two strings wanted to go into a bar. The bar had a sign up "We do not serve strings" One of them said to the other I've got an idea. He slammed into the wall, scooted and twisted himself around on the ground and then began tearing at his ends. He walked into the bar and the bartender said "Hey aren't you a string?" He looked at the bartender and said "I'm a frayed knot"

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Can you Imagine?


Can you imagine stuffing pictures of your grandmother in a strippers G string?

Imagine you are Prince Harry

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A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, just pull the one in our pocket"
The guy is amazed at the answer, but then notices the male waiters had a string coming out of the pants fly and asks his waiter about it.
"The same Consulting Firm -the waiter responds- said when we go pee, we waste so much time washing our hands that pulling it our with the string keeps us from having to handle it, and therefore we save time not having to wash our hands"
Our guy sees a flaw in this and asks the waiter "Well, the string works pulling it out, but how do you put it back in?" to which the waiter says:
"I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon in my pocket"

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A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls down the heavily inclined street, bouncing into fencing, trees, garbage cans, and a small child.

The rope, now barely recognizable, picks himself up, marches back into the bar, and demands his beverage of choice. The bartender looks up, suspiciously, and asks "Ain't you that rope I just threw outta 'ere?"

The rope retorts "No, sir, I'm a frayed knot."

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This one time I swallowed a piece of string. When it came out it was all tied up.

I shit you knot.

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A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

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Did any of you hear about that pedo music teacher?

The one who broke a G string while fingering A minor.

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An elderly couple was watching a show on the Discovery Channel..

...about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a man reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?!"

"No, it's turned black.

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I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together...

I shit you knot!

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I accidentally swallowed a piece of string the other day. When it finally came out the back end, it was all tied up.

I shit you knot

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What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

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Swallowed two pieces of string

Swallowed two pieces of string this morning.

A little while ago they came out tied together...

I shit you knot!

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Party Trick

I've come up with a new party trick. Basically I swallow two pieces of string and a few hours later they come out of my ass in one piece. I shit you knot!

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Roll your Own

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk where he can find the tampons, so he can pick some up for his wife. He is directed to the appropriate "nasty women stuff" isle. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of kite string. The clerk hesitantly asks, " I know it's none of my business, but weren't you looking for tampons?"

The man replies, " Yeah, but then I remembered the last time I sent my wife out to get me cigarettes and she came back with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because it was cheaper. So this time she can roll her own."

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Did you hear about the string of bank robberies committed by a guy dressed up like Jesus?

The cops finally nailed him.

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My cousin pranked me by putting some string in my spaghetti....

Later that night, while using the restroom, I noticed two pieces of string had somehow tied themselves together.

I shit you knot.

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So a string walks into a bar...

and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

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I can swallow two bits of string...

And they will come out tied together.

I shit you knot!

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Why did Steve Irwin fail his computer science class?

String Arrays

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How can you tell if your bartender hates you?

You find a string in your Bloody Mary.

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Women, eh?

My wife is pissed off with me again.

Last night, whilst she was fast asleep, I gently removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.

I'm telling you, that woman has got no sense of humour at all..!

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(nsfw) How do you know the female bartender is mad at you?

There's a string in your bloody Mary

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A little girl lives next to a fire house...

She admires the fire fighters so much she makes her own firetruck. It consists of her wagon, with the team of her cat in front with a string tied to his testicles, and her dog which lacks the testicular string, however has a harness and reins for her to lead him with. The firefighters see it, and have to ask why the string on the cat. She replies "I need a siren too."

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and proceeds to jump up on a barstool while calling out, "Bartender! Give me a shot of your best single malt."

The Bartender looks over at the piece of string and snarls, "We don't serve your kind here - get out!"

The piece of string leaves feeling very dejected, until he has an idea. He immediately contorts himself into a half-hitch and then rubs one end on the nearby wall.

Ten minutes after being thrown out of the bar, the piece of string returns, again jumping up on the barstool while calling out, "Bartender! Give me a shot of your best single malt."

"Aren't you that piece of string I threw out of here a few minutes ago?"

"No. I'm a frayed knot."

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Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;

Apparently your cat, FlΓΌffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.

We're sorry for your loss.

Our resident String Theorist will contact you.

He can explain everything.

8{>

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Guy on holiday in a small city in the German alps. It's getting dark. He decides to go out for dinner. ~[nsfw]

Finds a restaurant, is seated and reads the menue when he notices the waiter has a piece of red string hanging out of his zipper.
Guy asks: "What is up with that red twine?"
Waiter says: "Our owner had some consultant come in and try and improve business. We now carry this bag with an extra spoon. In case we drop a spoon we dont have to waste time running back in the kitchen but can just hand out this one."
Guy asks again: "And the string was also the consultant's idea?"
Waiter says: "Yes. It's tied around our Penis. On the toilet we can save time by pulling it out with the string and dont have to wash our hands, since we didn't touch it."
Guy asks: "So, how do you put it back in you trousers?"
Waiter answers: "I dont know how the others do it, but I just use this extra spoon we carry."

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A String Walks Into A Bar

He says, "hey bar keep, I'll have a beer". The bartenders sternly replies, "we don't serve strings here". The string walks away discouraged.
He comes in a few days later and tries again, "hey bar keep, I'll take a rye". The bartender, more aggravated replies, "I told you, we don't serve strings here!" The string leaves disappointed.
The string figures he will try again a few days later. He walks up to the door of the bar and thinks for a second....This time he ties himself in a loop and messes up his hair. He walks up to the bar and says, "hello bar keep, I'll have a rum and coke". The bartender replies, "hey, aren't you a string?" The string replies, "no, I'm afraid not"

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Knot too shabby

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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The rain was pouring . . .

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth one today,' the old man answered.

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Strings

Three pieces of strings are standing outside a bar with the intention of having a drink. The first one walks in and the bartender asks, "are you a piece of string?". He answers, "yes". The bartender yells, "get outta my bar". The second goes in and the same thing happens. The third then says to the other two, "quick tie me into a frayed knot". They do so and he walks into the bar and the bartender asks, "are you a piece of string?". He says ,"No. I'm a frayed knot"

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A man drops his spoon on the floor

.....the waiter swoops in and hands him a spoon from his vest.

The man asks the waiter "Why do you have a spoon in your vest?"

The waiter says "Well our new manager says that 20% of the time customers drop a utensil. So to be efficient, we carry spare utensils in our vests."

"Wow that's is efficient!"

The man then notices there's a piece of string going from the waiter's zipper to his pocket.

"Hey why is there a piece of string coming out of your zipper?

"Well our new manager says we can have 60% faster pee breaks with the string."

"How?" says the customer

"Well the string is tied around my dick. When I need to to pee, I pull it out using the string thus no need to wash my hands!"

"Well that is efficient! But wait, how do you pull your dick back in?"

"I don't know about the other guys but I use the spare spoon."

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There should be a football team called the Tampons...

...of course, they would only be good for one period and they would have no second string.

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A string walks into a bar...

and the bouncer told him,"We don't serve your kind here." So, the string went outside and saw a man. He told the man to tie a knot around his upper portion and undo his lower portion into frays; finished, the String thanks the man and goes back inside. The bouncer said,"haven't I seen you before?" To which the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."

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Irish Fishing

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the
end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a
drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their
whiskey, the gentleman asked, And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth.'

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A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"

The bartender replies "We don't serve strings here"

The string walks outside messes up his hair, ties himself in a knot and walks back into the bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"

The bartender asks " aren't you the same string that was just in here?"

The string replies "I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot)

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So, a piece of string walks into a bar...

... And asks for a glass of water, and the bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve string." So, the string, furious with himself, storms out, angry. He starts thrashing around and pulling at himself, until he finds himself all tattered and tangled. He walks back into the bar, again, and asks for a drink, again. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the string that just came in here and asked for a drink?" and the string replies, "No, I'm a *frayed knot*"

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Skrillex used to play string instruments in the orchestra,

until he dropped the bass.

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What do you call a pepper on a string that comes back to you?

A Jalapenyo-yo

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What did the string say to the harp?

No, you're a lyre!

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Three strings walk into a bar...

and want to order a couple of beers. The first string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, 3 beers for my friends and I please.". The bartender replied"I don't serve your kind here.". The string goes back to the table and says"Sorry guys, he doesn't serve our kind..". Eager to get beers for him and his buddies, the second string goes up to the bartender and asks"Hey, can you get me 3 beers for my friends." He yet again replied with " Look buddy I told yer friend I don't serve your kind here!". The string comes back angry. "Still wont serve us.". The final string, fed up with being denied drinks, ties himself into a knot, and frayed the top of his head and says "watch this, I will get us beers." and walks up and says to the bartender"Hey man, can you get me three beers." The bartender says "Oh, sure coming right u- wait WAIT A MINUTE. I thought I told your buddies I DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND!". The string replies with"I'm a frayed knot."

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It's party time

My girlfriend is pissed off with me again.

Last night when she was fast asleep i removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper, leaving the string out.

I'll tell you, that woman hes no sense of humor.

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A string walks into a bar

and orders a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings in this establishment." So the string goes outside, messes up his hair, does some twists and walks back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string that tried to buy a drink earlier?" The string says to the bartender, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best string jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty string gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these string jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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