String Jokes

What are some String jokes?

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.

The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".

So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".

The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".

To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

and tries to order a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"

The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.

The string goes back into the bar and orders again.

The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says sorry we don't serve you kind round here

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says sorry aren't you the same guy from before

The string replies I'm a frayed knot

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear and a banana in her left. The woman says

"Doctor, I don't fell so well."

And the doctor replied

"Well for one thing, you're *definitely* not eating correctly."

A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

String

A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.

The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

A Linux Joke

In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?

Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.

No Strings

Two strings wanted to go into a bar. The bar had a sign up "We do not serve strings" One of them said to the other I've got an idea. He slammed into the wall, scooted and twisted himself around on the ground and then began tearing at his ends. He walked into the bar and the bartender said "Hey aren't you a string?" He looked at the bartender and said "I'm a frayed knot"

Can you Imagine?


Can you imagine stuffing pictures of your grandmother in a strippers G string?

Imagine you are Prince Harry

Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.

This is for the Christmas period only.

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

Did any of you hear about that pedo music teacher?

The one who broke a G string while fingering A minor.

Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor.

I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.

So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.

It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls around.

"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls around.

"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"

"I blew it off I had a gig."

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Why did the audience hate the pedophile guitarist?

Because he broke a G string while fingering a minor

The String Theory might be the answer to everything...

..but then again, it might knot.

A poor man fall asleep one night and the devil appears in his dream

The devil says to him "I shall grant you any worldly wish you desire but at a price"

The poor man asks "I've only got my six string and very little money, however I can earn money if I play guitar well. So I wish to be the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen."

The devil replies "the price for that is merely your human soul."

The man thinks for a moment and responds "that's a lot to lose. I don't think I'm willing to pay that. What can I get for a dollar?"

The devil responds "the greatest bass player"

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, just pull the one in our pocket"
The guy is amazed at the answer, but then notices the male waiters had a string coming out of the pants fly and asks his waiter about it.
"The same Consulting Firm -the waiter responds- said when we go pee, we waste so much time washing our hands that pulling it our with the string keeps us from having to handle it, and therefore we save time not having to wash our hands"
Our guy sees a flaw in this and asks the waiter "Well, the string works pulling it out, but how do you put it back in?" to which the waiter says:
"I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon in my pocket"

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls down the heavily inclined street, bouncing into fencing, trees, garbage cans, and a small child.

The rope, now barely recognizable, picks himself up, marches back into the bar, and demands his beverage of choice. The bartender looks up, suspiciously, and asks "Ain't you that rope I just threw outta 'ere?"

The rope retorts "No, sir, I'm a frayed knot."

An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.

Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day finally comes, they strap him into the chair and the guard throws the switch. Sparks fly and smoke curls upward from the straps and skullcap, but the old man is unhurt. The switch is thrown again and again, but always with the same result. Finally he is released from the chair, and the next day the governor commutes his sentence to life in prison.

When a reporter asks him about the incident and why he thought he survived, the man replies, "Well, I've always been a poor conductor."

Two pieces of string walk into a bar

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. One of them sits down while the other goes up to the bar and says, "two pints of Guinness, please." The barman looks the piece of string up and down and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here."

So the piece of string goes back to his friend and explains the situation, and the friend decides to tie himself into a knot and fray his ends. He walks up to the bar and orders two Guinness's. This time the barman starts to fill the order but halfway through he looks up and says, "Hold on a minute... You're not a piece of string are you?" To which the piece of string answers:

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

Did you hear about the string of bank robberies committed by a guy dressed up like Jesus?

The cops finally nailed him.

A string walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign that says "no strings allowed".

A string walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign that says "no strings allowed".

So the string goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and comes back into the bar. The bartender yells "aren't you that string I just kicked out?" The string replies "I'm a frayed knot!"

So a string walks into a bar...

and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

A woman on her period is like a chainsaw

yank on the string and she'll make alot of noise

How to milk a cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.

"Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender kicks him out while yelling "I don't serve your kind in here, string!" The string really wanted a drink though, so he bent over and rubbed his head on the ground for a bit. Then he ties himself in a bow and walks back inside. The bartender sees him and immediately starts yelling "Aren't you that same string I just kicked out?!" To which the string replies "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn't want her daddy's help sorting it out.

Good thing I'm learning violin too and could help.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve no scrawny pieces of string in here."
The piece of string leaves, goes around back, ties himself up, ruffles his hair and re-enters the bar.
The bartender says, "Say aren't you that sorry piece of string that I told to beat it?"
The string replies, "frayed knot."

A string of jokes I heard a while ago

How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper?

Two in the front, two in the back.


How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper?

You can't because of all the elephants.


How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?

Same way you get to Wales in any other car, down the M4, over the Severn Bridge.


How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.


How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?

You can hear them giggle when the lights go out.


How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?

You can't *quite* get the door closed.


How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

There's a mini cooper parked outside.

The Old Fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

"Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth."

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar...

Three pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve strings here." So the pieces of string walk outside again.

They're sitting on the curb outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning until he finally ties himself into a knot as a disguise. One of the other strings sees this and decides he will fray his ends as a different disguise.

The two pieces of string walk back into the bar. The bartender looks at them a little suspiciously again and says in a stern voice "Sorry, we still don't serve strings here!"

So the strings go back outside and tell the third piece of how they had failed. The third string then decides he will tie himself in a knot, and also fray his ends.

The third string walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him and says "HEY, are you a bit of string?!"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of the conductor's score, to alert them so they can get back in time.
Performance night rolls around, and the curtains roll up to a magnificent opening segment. The bassists duck behind the percussion and run to the nearest bar. They order a couple of drinks and joke to themselves about how ridiculous they look in tailed, double-breasted tuxedos when suddenly they are approached by a man dressed even more formally, wearing a crown and long gown. He introduces himself as the Count of Bavaria, a true regal fellow. Before they know it everybody is chatting it up and the Count orders a *huge* plate of nachos. This is a massive plate - big enough for three men - but the Count, he must be starving because he eats every last bite. The bassists are enjoying their drinks and starting to get a bit drunk, when they notice they've got to rush back... Meanwhile, back at the performance, the conductor has turned the last page. He sees the string, and it dawns on him: it's the bottom of the ninth, the bassists are loaded and the count is full.

I am a fried nut

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

My neighbors called the cops on me, but when the police came to my house all they found was my collection of string instruments.

I got charged with domestic violins.

A string walks into a bar. . .

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Didn't you see the sign?!? We don't serve strings!! Get outta here!!

Agitated, but determined to get that double shot of tequila, the string secretly messes up his hair in a sad attempt of creating a disguise. He confidently walks back into the bar.

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you that string that was just in here?

String: No, I'm a frayed knot.

So a piece of string goes into a bar...

The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here."

The string goes outside, twists itself, and parts its hair.

And the string goes back inside, and the bartender yells, "aren't you the same guy from earlier!"

The string replies only with, "I'm a frayed knot."

Why did Steve Irwin fail his computer science class?

String Arrays

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.

Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.

The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is.

The kid picks up and says,

"Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

A young music student is talking to Mozart

Student: "Herr Mozart, I'm thinking of writing a symphony, and was wondering if you could give me some instruction."

Mozart: "How old are you, young man?"

Student: "I'm seventeen."

Mozart: "Well, that's a bit young to write something as complex as a symphony, isn't it? Why don't you start with something on a smaller scale, like a string quartet, and then work your way up?"

Student: "But Herr Mozart, you wrote your first symphony when you were only eight years old!"

Mozart: "Yes, but nobody had to teach me how."

A seamstress accidentally pulls a string and unravels her life's work...

Oops, wrong thread.

A string walks into a bar looking really tired and dirty, disheveled and twisted and the bartender says: "Hey buddy, are you okay?"

To which the string replies: "I'm a frayed knot!"

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender glares at him and rudely tells him,
"Get to going strang! We don't serve your kind 'round here!"

The string gets up and leaves, but makes his way into an alley. He loops his body around and tugs his body together, and then he musses up his hair for good measure. He then walks back into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink one more.

The bartender eyes him wildly and asks,
"Say, ain't you that strang?"
The string replies, "No sir. I'm a frayed not."

Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding?

It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.

Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

First one goes up and asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender says 'sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of strings here'. The string sits down and his mate says 'I'll give it a try'. Again, the bartender explains that they don't serve pieces of string in the bar. The third piece of string says 'don't worry fellas, I'll get this'. He ties himself in a bow to neaten himself up, messes up his hair and walks up to the bar. He asks for three drinks. The barman looks at him and asks 'are you a piece of string?' 'No, I'm a frayed not.'

Just saw that Wayne Rooney has been to see Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital. His speech is definitely improving and he can now just about string a sentence together.

Said Sir Alex

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bartender yells, "Get out, we do not serve string in here!" About an hour later the string walks back in but he is all twisted, dirty, with his ends torn up. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the string I threw out of here?" The string replies, "No I'm afraid not."

Can anybody else here tie pieces of string with their mind?

Thought knot...

A string walks into a bar...

And orders a beer. The bartender tells him "We don't serve your kind here." The string walks outside and ties himself in a knot and separates his strands.
He walks back inside and orders a beer. The bartender asks him "Hey, didn't I tell you we don't serve your kind here?"

To which the string replies "I'm a frayed knot."

A string walks into a bar...

The tender goes 'Jackass, we don't serve strings here.'
The string leaves the bar and twists and pulls and deforms himself, ruffles his hair a bit and struts back in, incognito.
The tender goes 'Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out?'
The string answers, 'Frayed knot.'

A String Walks Into A Bar

Inside the bar, the string asks for a beer. Sadly for the string, though, the bartender states "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." So, the string walks out of the bar, frazzles up his head, twists his stomach and walks back in. The bartender, noticing the string, says "Hey!- aren't you that string from earlier?" The string replies "Nope, I'm afraid not."

A piece of string walks into a bar.

The bartender says, I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here.

Hearing that, the piece of string walks out, parts its hair, ties it up, combs it, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender asks, Didn't you just walk in here?

The piece of string says, I'm a frayed knot.

A piece of string wanted to get into a club

A piece of string wanted to get into a club that didn't let in pieces of string. So he twisted himself up, and frayed his top end.
The bouncer asked "Hey, aren't you a piece of string ?"
The piece of string said "No, I'm a frayed knot"

Yo mama so nasty,

She had to cut the string off her tampon so the crabs stop hanging themselves.

A little girl lives next to a fire house...

She admires the fire fighters so much she makes her own firetruck. It consists of her wagon, with the team of her cat in front with a string tied to his testicles, and her dog which lacks the testicular string, however has a harness and reins for her to lead him with. The firefighters see it, and have to ask why the string on the cat. She replies "I need a siren too."

I finally watched that movie about the Psycho clown that destroyed the lives of innocent children.

Halfway into it I realised it was just a string of old McDonald's Ads.

Prince Harry's bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.

He was putting pictures of his grandma in a strippers G string.

(2 for 1) A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says Hey we don't serve your kind here,

Mushroom says why not? Im a fun guy

—-

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says Hey we don't serve your kind here,

The string goes out feeling dejected and sits on the curb. He absently ties a knot in his lower half before going back into the bar.

The bartender says Hey! Aren't you the guy that was just in here?

The string say I'm afraid not

Today I broke a G string while fingering A minor

Dammit, playing guitar is hard!

A group of strings go on a night out

They walk up the the first bar and ask for a pint of guinness and 2 carlsbergs. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes. The barman tells the string "we dont serve string here". So the group walk away in a huff. The second string walks up to another bar and asks for the same order. Again, the barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes, the barman tells them they dont serve string. The third string had an idea. He messes up the end of his hair and walks up to the third bar. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string replies "no, im a frayed knot."

A man loved to tie knots

It was his favorite hobby. He spent all of his time tying knots in string and rope, and inventing new, stronger, or more interesting ways to tie knots. He tried to show his ropes and strings to his friends but nobody cared. He wasn't very talented at anything else, because he had spent his entire life tying knots. Everyone was disapointed in him, and he got depressed. He was depressed for months, and then he got fired from his job at a restaurant. That was the final thread. He couldn't take it anymore. He hung himself later that day. At least he died doing what he loved.

Why do strings never win?

Because they only tie.

How to make String jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about String to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about String? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny String pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes