Stressed Out Jokes
120 stressed out jokes and hilarious stressed out puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stressed out that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Stressed Out Short Jokes
Short stressed out jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stressed out humour may include short stressful jokes also.
- My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
- I've got a friend who is a structural engineer. He's always complaining about stress at work.
- The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
- Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they've noticed their owners are now wearing masks Cats are unaffected though as they're yet to notice their owners at all
- I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups. Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.
- So i bought some of that Anti-stress shampoo. Don't know why people like it so much, I drank the whole bottle, I feel worse if anything.
- Bomb diffusal tech on being asked how he deals with the stress of the job It's not stressful, I'm either right or it's suddenly not my problem.
- My doctor said I should start killing people. His exact words were that I need to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.
- My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?" She smiled and said, " No"
I said, "One day, one day" - I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.
And that it's useful.
And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.
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Stressed Out One Liners
Which stressed out one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stressed out? I can suggest the ones about overworked and anxious.
- Don't stress if someone says you are fat You are bigger than that.
- When I'm stressed, I like to iron my clothes It's a great way to let off steam.
- What do you call a stressed Darth Vader? Panickin Skywalker.
- Why are skeletons bad at high-stress jobs? Because they're easily rattled!
- My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress So I didn't open his bills
- Why do fish gets stressed ? Current events
- What does a webpage do after a stressful day? Refresh
- What stops a Latino from performing well in a stressful situation? His panic.
- Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress… They'll run when it gets hard.
- To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit... ...or strong spirits
- What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine? You seem stressed.
- Why was the Taiwanese woman so stressed? She had a Taipei personality
- do NOT— and I cannot stress this enough wake me up before you go-go
- Why is one-fifth so stressed? Because he is two-tenths
- What do coral get stressed about? Current events
Silly & Ridiculous Stressed Out Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about stressed out you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exasperated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stressed out pranks.
My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
Another long and stressful day of work for the doctor is coming to an end
He really is at the end of his patients
I don't understand why women get so angry and stressed on their period.
It's such an o**... action
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
" I love to pamper my wife "
I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work for women.
Every time they miss a period, they get really nervous.
Gone Fishing.
This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."
"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."
So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"
"How did I pack?" the wife asks.
"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.
"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box."
They say that s**... relieves stress.
Not true. I had s**... last week and the police have been after me ever since.
Need a Break!
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that I would do something crazy. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office....
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going?"
He replied, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.
I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And thats how the fight started....
'Calm Your t**...' is derogatory.
Feminists reccomend, instead :
'De-stress the b**...",'Soothe your b**...', 'Give that Chest a Rest', 'Don't have a Rack Attack'
and
'Hakuna the Tattas'
Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?
CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!
If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!
COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEEEEEENTSSSSSS!
Whenever I'm feeling stressed I go to the house of mirrors...
I find it's a really great place to reflect.
Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work?
'Cause it had a hard drive.
What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?
I've been really stressed out lately, I know it's not your fault, but please stop cracking jokes about me
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that chinese thing with the needles.
You know...h**....
What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress?
By opening the door.
My girlfriend has been trying new things in the bedroom lately..
...I have a headache, I'm stressed, and I've eaten too much are among her many new techniques.
Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life
The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.
Life has never given me lemons
It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for s**... people
Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, m**... is twice as effective as s**...
So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.
A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man
... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."
The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."
The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."
*Extremely Offensive* If you ever feel stressed just know that someone...somewhere...
...has parkinsons and is currently going through their crush's Instagram history
I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...
h**....
Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out.
I figured I'd sleep on it.
I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.
He prescribed me a relaxative.
Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs?
The steaks were low.
When under stress, you have to choose between the fight or the flight response. Unless...
you're a fighter pilot...then you can do both.
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
So I went into mcdonalds and ordered some fries.
There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out. She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes. I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries. After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait" I said "no problem chubby, you're bound to lose it sometime".
Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...
She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.
He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.
A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.
Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"
I've been so stressed, I decided to finally try that Asian relaxing technique with the needles.
h**...
I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...
...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Whenever I'm stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.
I'd just do a bunch of light reading all day.
The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.
Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.
Was asking my EOD friend...
"Don't you ever get stressed out on your job?"
He shrugged his shoulders and replied "No, I'm never stressed out. The way I see it is I'm either right or suddenly it's not my problem anymore."
Talked with a former officer in the Bomb Disposal Unit
I asked him how he dealt with the stress of the job?
"Never had any stress with it." he said
When I asked how come, he said, "It's easy. I either get it right, or it's suddenly not my problem anymore."
Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...
A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.
I got fired for getting stressed and k**... the project I was working on.
I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really stressed.
A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist
He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".
I love pampering my girl
I love to pamper my girl after she has had a stressful day all day at work..
So when she texts me saying shes on the way home, I get the hot water
running mix in a little soap and swirl around the bubbles and time everything
just perfectly so as soon as she walks through the door...
The dishes are all piled up and ready for her...
I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...
... it's so stressful.
It's just been one Thing after another.
On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism
To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job...
...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem.
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
This pandemic has been particularly stressful for flat earthers..
A lot of them are worried it's going to push people over the edge
Three of a kind
Coral turns white when it gets stressed. What could coral be stressed about you ask? Current events.
Eletrical engineers make mistakes when they get stressed. What could an eletrical engineer be stressed about you ask? Current events.
Berry farmers are seeing a drop in productivity due to stress. What could Berry farmers be stressed about you ask? Currant events.
Studies suggest that m**... is twice as effective as s**... for dealing with stress.
So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush
Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job?
Because there was no margarine for error.
I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.
After the c**... pretty much everything went to s**.... I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.
Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.
People say that stress can make you lose your hair...
and pulling your hair can be a root problem.
Stress relief
Doctor : What do you do when you feel stressed?
Patient: I go to the temple...
Doctor : Good...and u pray there ?
Patient : No... I mix-up all shoes kept outside and watch people more stressed than me..... and my stress goes away
How do you pass a test with 0?
When it's a covid-19 test.
(Just had the test and thought this was funny as a teacher. Don't know if it's the stress making me laugh)
Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needle
You know, h**...
My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.
Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when the wife is pregnant,
Tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when BOTH are pregnant!
A man wakes up the mental ward
Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.
What's that?
Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.
Okay.
Now that you're awake, I'll call your wife in...
My what?
m**... is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...
and i still got thrown off the bus
Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older...
It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
Ah.. chemistry!
My roommate bursts into our apartment, totally stressed out from her chemistry finals.
Her: If anyone even says one more word related to Chemistry, I'm going to scream!
Me: K
Her: (goes bananas…) ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Parenting is stressful! Parenting is a sacrifice, it's exhausting, it's expensive and at times it feels thankless but….
Eventually you die! -Jim Gaffigan
