stress Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious stress puns

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.


My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.


Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.


Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.


I've got a friend who is a structural engineer.

He's always complaining about stress at work.


Don't stress if someone says you are fat

You are bigger than that.


A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."

The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."

The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."


Normal Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.


When it comes to dealing with stress, studies suggest masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush


A man goes to see a doctor

A man goes to see a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have an orange dick!" The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm... I believe this is related to stress possibly caused by finances. You should sell your house. Move into a smaller place."
Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, moved into a smaller place, but I still have an orange dick!" The doctor leans back in his chair and after a moment says, "Hmmm... Maybe it was not your finances that were causing stress. It must then be stress related to work place. You should quit your job."
Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, I quit my job, but I still have an orange dick!" The doctor scratches his head and says, "If it isn't work place then it must be stress at home. Its a tough decision but I think you should leave your wife."
Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I sold my house, I quit my job, I left my wife, but I STILL HAVE AN ORANGE DICK!" The doctor scratches his head, pulls his hair and asks, "I have removed the 3 biggest stress causing issues from your life and it hasn't helped! What do you do all day?" The man replies, "Eat cheetos and watch porn."


Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."


The blonde went to see her doctor.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she said. "I've been very short-tempered lately. I'm always yelling at my husband and kids over the silliest little things."

"Sounds like stress," said the doctor. "Maybe you need to exercise more. Tell you what, try running ten miles a day. Call me in two weeks and let me know how things are going."

So two weeks later the doctor got a call. "Well, I followed your advice. I've been running ten miles every day."

"Splendid! And how are things between you and your family?"

"How the hell should I know? I'm 140 miles from home!"


"Don't talk to the Bird!"

Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Jill's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


I've been so stressed lately. I've been doing that Chinese remedy, with the needles

You know, Heroin


A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.

The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.

He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."

The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"

The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag him or stress him in any way."

On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So what's wrong with me, honey?"

The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry, honey, but you're going to die."


Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,

"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"


There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."


Lonely on the farm

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."


The first dog in space died due to stress.

Must have been from all of the vacuums.


A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."


A man gets pulled over

At the end of a bridge for speeding. The officer says, "son do you know how fast you were going?"

The guy tells him, "yes officer, I'm sorry it's just that my job is so stressful that I have to rush home each day to see my family and relieve my stress from the day."

The cop asks, "what kind of job is so stressful that you need to speed home this fast?"

The guy responds, "well sir, I'm a rectum stretcher, I stretch rectum all day long. I start with one finger then work another in there. Then one hand then the other. I stretch and stretch and I usually end up with a 6-foot asshole."

The cop asks, "what do you do with a 6-foot asshole?"

The guy says, "I give him a radar gun and put him on the end of a bridge!"


I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups.

Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.


Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.


My friend is a structural engineer.

He is always complaining about stress at work.


Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people


A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.

After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke. If you don't do the following three things he will surely die.

First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.

Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don't burden him with house hold chores.

Third, have sex with him several times a week."

On the way home, the husband asks the wife " I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?"

Wife: " He says you're gonna die."


Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.


Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.


Calling In Sick

Today I called in to work, "Hi, I'm not feeling well today, fatigued, drained, tired, stressed. I'll be staying in bed, so I won't be coming to work today"

The boss says, "You know, I really need you here today, extra work came in today. When I feel overworked, I go to my wife and we have wild sex, and this always works to release all that stress. So you try that"

a couple of hours later, "Hey boss it's me, I did what you said, and you were right, it's amazing. So I'll be on my way to work

Oh, your house look really nice by the way"


Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?


Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!

If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS

Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!



Why does the Mexican Air Force stress out Donald Trump?

Bc he can't stand the sound of twenty Juan pilots.


I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress"

My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.

And that it's useful.

And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.


I lost my child, and you cant imagine the stress...

that just went away.


"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"


You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.


The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.

Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.


I am a massive massive MASSIVE worrier.

I can't stress enough.


A captain is sent to a new company....

A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". After most of the tour is done, the captain notices a camel tied to a post. He asks " What's that camel for?" the sergeant answers " Well the men use to the camel to g.. " The captain interrupts him and says, " I get it, to get rid of stress, that's a bit disgusting if you ask me." The sergeant then brings him to his office, finishing the tour. A few months pass by, and the captain is getting sexually frustrated, he asked the sergeant to bring the camel in his office. He then proceeds to have sex with the camel the best way he could. When he was done he looks at the sergeant, who had a look of surprise in his eyes, and says "What? you never seen any of the men do this before?". The sergeant simply answers " Well, usually the men use the camel to go to town and find a hooker. It's great way to get rid of stress".


I've been so stressed, I decided to finally try that Asian relaxing technique with the needles.



I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.

I'd just do a bunch of light reading all day.


Talked with a former officer in the Bomb Disposal Unit

I asked him how he dealt with the stress of the job?

"Never had any stress with it." he said

When I asked how come, he said, "It's easy. I either get it right, or it's suddenly not my problem anymore."


If you were stressed out yesterday

Does that make you past tense?


Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit the following month, and the man leaves.

Next month, the man returns, and the doctors inquires if his condition has changed. The man says: "The treatment you prescribed really made a difference. I feel like a new person. Thank you." The man, gets up and is about to exit. On the way out he says: "By the way doc, you have a beautiful home."


Whenever I'm stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.



Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.


When under stress, you have to choose between the fight or the flight response. Unless...

you're a fighter pilot...then you can do both.


A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".


I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...



Who is he?

After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.

At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no," she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."


A quick stress releasing scenario.

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "The World." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear, and you can easily make out the face of the asshole whose head you're holding under the water.


Stressed over finals? That's fine.

Just make sure your suicide note is in MLA format.


When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective


Why did the concrete fail at its job?

It couldn't take the shear stress


Old Man Goes to The Doctor

(This is my own joke so it shouldn't be a repost.)

An Old man goes to the doctor.

"Doctor, my wife keeps complaining to me that I don't make love to her anymore. I keep telling her that at my age its not easy, but the complaining never stops. So here I am."

The doctor prescribes him some Viagra and tells him to come back after a month to follow up.

A month later, the old man comes back, and he is beaming. Doctor asks him how hes doing.

"I'm great doc. No stress at all."

Doc: "I'm glad that you finally sorted out your sex life"

Old man: "Sex life? No doc. I just pop a pill in each ear and I don't her the bitch complaining anymore".


Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.


What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss?

I literally cannot deal.


What did the stressful robot order at the bar to loosen up?

A screwdriver


Hitting the gym

Hitting the gym to release stress it's not nearly effective as hitting the cunt that causes the fucking stress


How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress?

They have a lot of patients


Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.


Stressed Out

A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!' and I said 'Relax man, you're two tents!


In light of all the Islamophobic content on this sub lately....

I would like to stress that the letter P in ISLAM stands for Peace.


My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.


What was the stressed out toddler diagnosed with?



A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm still praying that you find out at the last second that my kidney works."

The surgeon, to try and calm his patient, responds:

"You know, I've done this operation hundreds of times, and I'm certain this time I'll succeed."


I'm worried I won't pass my stress test


TIL If coral get too stressed, they die. Their primary source of stress?

Current events


A friend told me she was going to bake some cookies to relieve some stress...

I told her, that makes scents.


A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..

The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.

The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.

The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.


Necessity isn't the mother of invention,

Stress is.


They say that sex relieves stress.

Not true. I had sex last week and the police have been after me ever since.


How does a bubble wrapped individual relieve stress?

the individual rolls.


I'm turning Rastafarian, but I'm worried about the stress it will put on my hair.

I'm dreading it.


What stresses fish out the most?

Current events.


Engineering Joke: What do you call a musical artist who screws up and fails due to stress?

Thread Shearin'


Three guys at the pearly gates

Three guys at the pearly gates, St Peter asks them why they are here. The first guy says "I got home from work and I found men's clothes on my bed, I asked my wife if she was cheating on me and she said no. I didn't believe her and I tore my house apart looking for the guy. I got so frustrated I picked up the fridge and tossed it out the window, the stress was too much and I had a heart attack and died."

The second guy says "I was walking down the street, and out of no where a fridge fell from the sky and struck me, killing me instantly."

The third guy says "So there I was, naked, sitting in a refrigerator..."


An English teacher felt odd after being fired

It was post-grammatic stress disorder


What do stressed out plants do?

They just go with the phloem.


My dad once told me that i should never hit a woman

That's why i relieve stress at the lgbtq conference.


Ask a counseling student how to reduce stress, they'll discuss mindfulness, work-life balance, etc. Ask an engineering student,

they'll ask back, "Normal or Shear?"


The doctor told me to relieve stress by improving my sex life.

So I started using some new search terms and I feel better already!


The majority of Americans said driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly people

, specifically if they don't cross the stress fast enough.


Why can't the professional origamist handle stress?

Because he folds under pressure.



There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband.
He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.
When the wife came out, the husband asked her, so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die? And the wife said, Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to die.


Why did the bridge commit suicide?

It was under a lot of stress.


A man who has been having terrible headaches goes to the doctor with his wife...

...the doctor examines him and afterwards takes his wife aside. The doctor confides in the wife that the man has a terrible strain on his body and will die if undergoes any undue stress. "That means," the doctor says, " you can not let him do any chores around the house. You must let him watch what he wants on television. He needs to be kept in a state of relaxation at all times. If he needs something you bring it to him, if he asks for something, he gets it. He should be kept in his favorite chair, with his favorite food and favorite things all around. Sex is right out, except for you giving him oral sex when he wants it. Do you understand what all this means?"
The woman, shaken replies, "Yes, doctor, yes I do." She thanks him and collects her husband.
Once in the car, her husband asks, "So, what did the doctor tell you?"
The wife looks at her husband and says, "Honey, you're going to die."


I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin


I am so stressed I am going to try that Chinese thing with the needles

Oh yea, Noodles


What did R Kelly give those girls?



I'm stressed. Sometimes I identify as a tipi. Other times as a marquee.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn't worry though, that I'm just too tense.


Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:

Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?

Bride: 8



An extremely Italian man sees a doctor about his eating disorder

Doctor, I need your advice: I stress eat soppressata to suppress'a my feelings


My parents keep complaining that I'm unemployed. I don't know why all the stress, I already made my resume.

Companies are welcome to come and take it. I'm home 24/7.



My own stress is stressing me out


My therapist told me to write angry letters to the people I hate and then burn them to relieve stress.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.


What did the stressed-out man say after he finished masturbating?

Well, that's a load off my mind.


My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!


A stressed out young attorney walks into a bar

He was texting


I got really anxious after I watched a play yesterday

I must have Post Dramatic Stress Disorder


How to relieve stress from your anus?

By taking a shit


Despite the stress of the court case and abuse allegations they say that.....

Bill Cosbys wife hasn't lost any sleep over it.


Got fired from my job and one of my testicles got bigger

That must be my stress ball.


I got very stressed running my small camp site.

It was two tents.


Where is one sentence where if you stress one word it changes the meaning of the sentence

I never said he liked my asshole.


Nothing is permanent in life

except STRESS.


What do you call a male stream stress?

A Homosexual.


I hate when Jewish people

....stress the smallest details. I'm kinda anti-semantic.


Masturbation is often said to be a form of stress relief

now go fuck yourself and calm down!


My teacher told me eating ctrl+v in class is an unhealthy way to cope with stress.


What's the most stressful tree to climb?

A decision tree.


What did the stressed out thread say to the spool?

I'm all wound up.


Why doesn't Trump care that the stress from being investigated is making him lose his hair? (OC)

Because he is so over Comey.


I went to the hospital for a stress test.

They connected the machines and made me watch my wife parking my car !


James Bond had to disarm a bomb headed to earths core before it reached there, it was at the ocean floor now...

Unfortunately the stress got to him, and he fell apart under pressure.


When I need money I don't stress

I just call a cab and say "put it in reverse".


Don't cry over the past, you can't change it...

Don't cry over the past, you can't change it.

Don't stress about the future, it will come when it comes.

Forget the present, I didn't get you one


I too wish i was black...

So i wouldn't have work related stress.


I was always stressed,so i turned it around...

...with desserts.


I was gonna make a pun...

But the stress of making them is unbearable.


Do you suffer under post traumatic stress disorder and panic attacks?

The answer might surprise you!


I cannot stress enough the importance of being your most entertaining self at celebratory social gatherings.

You must be fun at parties.


What happens to stressed out Sailors?

They become Emotional ship-wrecks!! :)


When I'm stressed, I go to the gym

Cause then I could workout my problems


Every Wife is a "Mistress" of Her Husband

Every Wife is a "Mistress" of Her Husband.

"MISS" for One Hour
"STRESS" for 23 Hours Everyday..:-)


When I'm stressed I do that Chinese needle things...

You know, opium injections.


North America blames Pacific for his extreme build up of stress. Pacific replies "It's not my fault"

It's San Andreas fault.


Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation?

He needed some time to himself to decompose.


Genetic link to male ageing and stress found

in the XX sex chromosome.

Hopefully it translates well enough into english.


DYK Mozart never suffered from stress

He always kept his composer.


I tried publishing my novel...

in which I stress the danger of global warming by describing my experience battling encroaching fire ant colonies. Every publisher called it ant-I-climatic.


I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired.

I just have bad fear of flying, and I masturbate to relieve stress.


When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stress


What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.


My Doctor told me to start killing people....

Well not exactly in those words, but he said "I had to reduce the stress in my life".


What are the best Stress puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Stress? Well, here are the best jokes about Stress to have fun with.

Joko Jokes