Stress Jokes

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

I've got a friend who is a structural engineer.

He's always complaining about stress at work.

Don't stress if someone says you are fat

You are bigger than that.

A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....

It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.

A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.

"Yep! They're finally dead."

A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."

The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."

The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,

"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."

"Don't talk to the Bird!"

Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Jill's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups.

Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.

Normal Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.

After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke. If you don't do the following three things he will surely die.

First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.

Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don't burden him with house hold chores.

Third, have sex with him several times a week."

On the way home, the husband asks the wife " I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?"

Wife: " He says you're gonna die."

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

Reasons to allow drinking at work



1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

Calling In Sick

Today I called in to work, "Hi, I'm not feeling well today, fatigued, drained, tired, stressed. I'll be staying in bed, so I won't be coming to work today"

The boss says, "You know, I really need you here today, extra work came in today. When I feel overworked, I go to my wife and we have wild sex, and this always works to release all that stress. So you try that"

a couple of hours later, "Hey boss it's me, I did what you said, and you were right, it's amazing. So I'll be on my way to work

Oh, your house look really nice by the way"

Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?

CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS

Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!

If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS

Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!

COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEEEEEENTSSSSSS!

I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress"

My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.

And that it's useful.

And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.

My doctor said I should start killing people.

His exact words were that I need to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Three of a kind

Coral turns white when it gets stressed. What could coral be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Eletrical engineers make mistakes when they get stressed. What could an eletrical engineer be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Berry farmers are seeing a drop in productivity due to stress. What could Berry farmers be stressed about you ask? Currant events.

The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.

Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

I've been so stressed, I decided to finally try that Asian relaxing technique with the needles.

Heroin

I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.

I'd just do a bunch of light reading all day.

A captain is sent to a new company....

A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". After most of the tour is done, the captain notices a camel tied to a post. He asks " What's that camel for?" the sergeant answers " Well the men use to the camel to g.. " The captain interrupts him and says, " I get it, to get rid of stress, that's a bit disgusting if you ask me." The sergeant then brings him to his office, finishing the tour. A few months pass by, and the captain is getting sexually frustrated, he asked the sergeant to bring the camel in his office. He then proceeds to have sex with the camel the best way he could. When he was done he looks at the sergeant, who had a look of surprise in his eyes, and says "What? you never seen any of the men do this before?". The sergeant simply answers " Well, usually the men use the camel to go to town and find a hooker. It's great way to get rid of stress".

Talked with a former officer in the Bomb Disposal Unit

I asked him how he dealt with the stress of the job?

"Never had any stress with it." he said

When I asked how come, he said, "It's easy. I either get it right, or it's suddenly not my problem anymore."

Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit the following month, and the man leaves.

Next month, the man returns, and the doctors inquires if his condition has changed. The man says: "The treatment you prescribed really made a difference. I feel like a new person. Thank you." The man, gets up and is about to exit. On the way out he says: "By the way doc, you have a beautiful home."

Whenever I'm stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".

When under stress, you have to choose between the fight or the flight response. Unless...

you're a fighter pilot...then you can do both.

I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...

Heroin.

Who is he?

After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.

At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no," she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Bro how do you manage your stress

Bob: Mike, I've a personal question. How do you manage the stress that comes with this work.

Mike: Bob that's very simple. When I reach home, I take my wife to a nice fine dining. I get her a nice bottle of wine, good food and amazing dessert. After that, my wife gives me so much pleasure in the bed, which takes the stress out.

Next day Mike asks Bob: what's up with your black eye.

Bob: I got punched following your suggestion.

Mike: really? What happened?

Bob: Your wife is not as good as you said. She is just evil.

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

Stressed Out

A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!' and I said 'Relax man, you're two tents!

Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.

A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.

The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.

He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."

The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"

The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag him or stress him in any way."

On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So what's wrong with me, honey?"

The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry, honey, but you're going to die."

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm still praying that you find out at the last second that my kidney works."

The surgeon, to try and calm his patient, responds:

"You know, I've done this operation hundreds of times, and I'm certain this time I'll succeed."

In light of all the Islamophobic content on this sub lately....

I would like to stress that the letter P in ISLAM stands for Peace.

Who helps me most when I need to relieve stress?

My right hand, man.

A friend told me she was going to bake some cookies to relieve some stress...

I told her, that makes scents.

They say that sex relieves stress.

Not true. I had sex last week and the police have been after me ever since.

A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..

The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.

The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.

The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.

What type of person lives to the east of Portugal and can't handle stress at all?

A Hispanic.

I'm turning Rastafarian, but I'm worried about the stress it will put on my hair.

I'm dreading it.

Engineering Joke: What do you call a musical artist who screws up and fails due to stress?

Thread Shearin'

The majority of Americans said driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly people

, specifically if they don't cross the stress fast enough.

The doctor told me to relieve stress by improving my sex life.

So I started using some new search terms and I feel better already!

Three guys at the pearly gates

Three guys at the pearly gates, St Peter asks them why they are here. The first guy says "I got home from work and I found men's clothes on my bed, I asked my wife if she was cheating on me and she said no. I didn't believe her and I tore my house apart looking for the guy. I got so frustrated I picked up the fridge and tossed it out the window, the stress was too much and I had a heart attack and died."

The second guy says "I was walking down the street, and out of no where a fridge fell from the sky and struck me, killing me instantly."

The third guy says "So there I was, naked, sitting in a refrigerator..."

My dad once told me that i should never hit a woman

That's why i relieve stress at the lgbtq conference.

We have collected gags that can be used as Stress pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Stress, here are one liners and funny Stress pick up lines.

Joko Jokes